Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

BoC United: Schneider for Tukonen

The Los Angeles Kings need a leader. Right now they're deplorable on defense and need someone to help muster their woeful defensive unit into something resembling a fighting force. They need a leader on the power play, preferably left-handed. Most importantly, they need a solid, dependable player who can show this young team how to act and perform in the NHL. Oh, and he should be Jewish.

Not him. He's a Muslim Christian, not a Jew.

The Anaheim Ducks need space. They're right up against the cap and they need room for Teemu Selanne. They have a plethora of defenseman and can move one of them for the requisite cap space. They need to find a team that has plenty of cap space and needs a defenseman. They can't take too much salary back in return, so hopefully that team will have plenty of prospects or picks next year to trade. The Ducks have one more good run in them; they just need another team to help them out.


Friends, I come before you as a Ducks hater from before the team took the ice. I've mocked, ridiculed, blasphemed and slandered the Ducks for as long as I've known the word "gaytarded." But it's foolish pride to let one's own biases get in the way of what's good for the franchise, and what we have here is a good opportunity. The Kings need a veteran defenseman, the Ducks need cap space. Why shouldn't the two teams help on another? Earl, Ken, and I have discussed this and we have come to the same conclusion: the Ducks should trade Mathieu Schneider for Lauri Tukonen.


Ducks fans might feel this deal is a little one-sided. ("Why should we trade a good defenseman for some guy and also I'm a douche bag?") First off, assholes, the Ducks aren't really dealing from a position of strength; teams know that the Ducks are severely hindered if they don't move some salary around. Plus, you can't really afford to get a roster player in return because you need the space, so it's pretty much just down to prospects. Secondly, Tukonen is a unique guy. He was drafted 11th overall in 2004 but has been done in by injuries and under-performance so far. He needs a fresh start with another team; the Kings have always had an expectation that he'll become a superstar, but with another team he can focus on becoming a solid complementary player. He's great in the corners and an excellent forechecker, attributes greatly appreciated by Brian Burke. His career maps out similarly to Rob Niedermayer and the Ducks could help guide him. If you want the Kings to throw in a 4th or something, fine, whatever. The only other real option are the Ottawa Senators, and I don't see those two teams matching up.


Kings fans might wonder why they should help the Ducks. ("Why should we give them space to sign Teemu Selanne and possibly win the Cup again?") First off, you beautiful babies, we should do this deal because it's good for us. The Kings need a power play quarterback and Schneider is good at it. It's retarded to not do something because the Ducks might also gain something. Plus, if the Ducks do win the Stanley Cup, they can't rub it in our faces because they wouldn't have been able to without our help. I mean, let's be honest, this may be the closest we come to winning the Cup for a while. Losing Tukonen will hurt, but the Kings already have Dustin Brown, Ted Purcell, Oscar Moller, Wayne Simmonds and Marc-Andre Cliche at the right wing position. And hey, maybe the Kings should do it because it's what's best for Tukonen.

So, there you have it. The Kings should trade Mathieu Schneider for Lauri Tukonen. It might feel awkward to play one another, but we'll get used to it. Neville Chamberlain and Adolf Hitler once set aside their differences to come to an agreement in 1938; if they can do it, why not the Kings and the Ducks?

54 comments:

Earl Sleek said...

Let's get this done!

His career maps out similarly to Rob Niedermayer.

Of course without Rob Niedermayer's greatest characteristic -- bloodline ties to all-star greatness -- but still, I'm all for this.

RudyKelly said...

Well, similar to Niedermayer in that he's a high draft pick with the skill set that translates to being a good 3rd liner.

Nut said...

The ducks would probably rather a draft pick or a player the kings haven't given up on but hey, they took J.S. Aubin, so apparently they're stupid. Then again, we signed J.S. Aubin, so apparently we're stupid too.

Chris in Torrance said...

There's one important thing that you guys have overlooked. Tukonen is European and with very few excetions (Selanne, Pahlsson, Hiller) that doesn't fly on Burke's radar. Find a Canadian prospect and the deal might get done

Earl Sleek said...

Yeah, Burke's racism is a bit of a concern, but he has shown a slight willingness to put a Finn in the minors (Wirtanen).

Besides, as Rudy notes, the dollars matter more than anything in this sort of exchange. Beggars can't always be choosers, and Burke may have to suck it up and take a kid born overseas.

And hey, at least the kid's not Russian (right?). That would likely be a hard deal-breaker.

Nut said...

Just to be clear, the ducks are Hillary Clinton, Jack Lemmon, the gay dork with the beard, and Dwight to the Kings Obama, Walter Matheau, Cool miner guy, and Jim

Mike in OC said...

Keep your Euro bust pick from 2004.

Burke is holding out for the Kings 1st pick in next years draft. The way things are shaping up for the Kings right now (and yes I know it's still REALLY early) it should be a lock for Tavares.

Get it done!

Earl Sleek said...

I like your greed, Mike, but frankly the Kings don't need this as badly as the Ducks do. It's not like Schneider pushes them over the top into playoff or cup contention.

Frankly, this is a convenience trade--I don't know if either team is better off trying too hard to "win" this one.

Plus (Crawford and Cloutier notwithstanding), Lombardi's no fool. He's held tightly to his top picks in recent history, and I don't know why he'd deviate from that strategy now. It might end up a pick instead of a player, but at best I think we're talking about a 2nd rounder (and even that may be off limits).

Mike in OC said...

I know your right Earl, and It's a damn shame too. That pick is lookin like gold.

Julian said...

By then Burke will be out the door so we might actually draft someone useful, too.

Mike in OC said...

Deno - message from future Deno:

Trade first round pick for Schneider


-Deno

P.S. don't drink the cofee today!

Earl Sleek said...

By then Burke will be out the door so we might actually draft someone useful, too.

Heck, let's just throw Brian Burke in the trade also.

PJ Swenson said...

Why all the discussion over two teams that will finish last and next to last in the Pacific next year?

VeryProudofYa said...

Probably because talking about second round chokers gets boring the 4th time around, PJ.

RudyKelly said...

Did the Coyotes brick up their net or something?

Ksy92003 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ksy92003 said...

I'm not sure the Kings are gonna finish in fifth place in the Pacific. I'm looking at a seventh- or eighth-place finish in the division for this team.. even though they've gotten rid of Crawford and Cloutier.

Us Kings fans have lived in futility for far too long. Who are we to believe this season could be any different?

Earl Sleek said...

Anyone think that today's sort of a boring day in the NHL offseason?

Well this might liven things up a bit.

My favorite part is where Burke is asking the league whether Lowe saying "trade him our way" about Corey Perry officially constitutes tampering.

HA HA HA! Hooray for legalism!

RudyKelly said...

Haha, Kevin Lowe got owned and now he looks like the lunatic and Brian Burke looks calm and measured.

heed said...

clearly the ivy league princess doesn't like being called a moron. i think "douchebag" would be more appropriate.

tampering...please...

Earl Sleek said...

tampering...please...

Oh, of course it's a bullshit claim, any fool can see that. It's really the part that makes the whole response even more hilarious, though.

Classic Burke, offering his own version of "silence".

heed said...

if he doesn't get fined for this, it's pretty clear that he's gary's right hand man...and by hand...i mean handjob.

ps lowe's 6 vs 1 comment was childish but burke clearly has ring envy.

PJ Swenson said...

Bryzgalov for President.

Earl Sleek said...

if he doesn't get fined for this, it's pretty clear that he's gary's right hand man...and by hand...i mean handjob.

Well, we'll see. I don't know what Gary's ultimatum really was, but I'd guess Burkie knew how far he could go, and obviously went there. I don't think automatically that no fine = Gary looks the other way.

ps lowe's 6 vs 1 comment was childish but burke clearly has ring envy.

Lowe should just send Burke two of his rings and end this whole thing. :)

heed said...

Lowe should just send Burke two of his rings and end this whole thing. :)

maybe he will send him his next one. GOILERS 4 LIFE!

Earl Sleek said...

Bah, predicting cup rings is just a less-prosecutable form of tampering, isn't it?

Learning from my GM :)

heed said...

not until you forsake all that is good and holy can you truly learn from the dark lord.

Nut said...

Because clearly Kevin Lowe was the defining reason the Oilers won those cups. Plus, Lowe hasn't won any as a GM. Thats like Neil Armstrong bragging to a Lockheed engineer that he's more badass at building space shuttles because he's been on the moon. On the other hand, that makes no sense.

heed said...

who needs a squirrel when you already have a nut?

Earl Sleek said...

Does anyone get the feeling that Burke is also trying to stick it to the NHL for interfering in this feud, too?

I mean, from the sounds of it, there are two new investigations Burkie has called for here (the ridiculous Perry tampering and the Scott UFA signing), plus whatever review this set of comments needs to go through.

Is he putting Gary and his boys to work, as a message to get off his back?

Mike in OC said...

If you think about it Burke took a shot at both Lowe and Bettman.

Now everyone wants to see how Bettman rules on his 2 new issues.

How can you hate that guy? (Unless your in his gun sights, like Loe an co.)

Mike in OC said...

beat me to it again Earl. I have to type faster. (or at least refresh the comments before I hit submit)

Sqb. said...

Obama is Christian, not Muslim.

Earl Sleek said...

Heh, it's cool, Mike. At least I know I'm not the only one possibly overthinking this set of comments.

How can you hate that guy? (Unless your in his gun sights, like Lowe an co.)

No kidding. He might be an overrated GM, but we're certainly not cheated out of any entertainment.

Mike in OC said...

Obama is Christian, not Muslim.

I just re-read that caption with Christian in place of Muslin and came away with the exact same impression...

heed said...

i'm not so sure it was the niedermeyer signing that was at issue. part of me thinks he may be referring to the "team suspension" last year. that whole affair stank to high heaven. who knows? who cares? it didn't work.

Earl Sleek said...

Heed, I think Lowe was pretty clear in his round that he was talking about the lockout signing of Niedermayer, and Burke has spelled it out fairly cleanly also. What I don't really understand is what the actual accusation was (all Lowe gave was some innuendo).

As for last year, I have a different read on whether the Niedermayer semi-retirement "worked". The guy didn't retire, and he's going to be in uniform this year, and that alone tells me "success". The team was drastically improved upon his return, and enabled a more expensive team to hit the playoffs than could be afforded for 82 games.

Sure, there wasn't a cup at the end of the road, but that's an awfully luck-based measure. Niedermayer wasn't the problem for the postseason Ducks; Pronger returning from suspension and Perry returning from injury were much bigger factors.

If you want to see the Scott effect, this post is my go-to on how Scott's return impacted the team.

heed said...

no one is going to argue about niedermeyer's effect on your team. i just don't think lowe even suggested tampering. that was brian's song. i figured it must be "team suspension" related since nothing was said at the time. who knows how this will end? i just hope it ends soon because listening to burke is painful. he seems to think he is part of the show which couldn't be further from the truth.

Mike in OC said...

I would not call it painfull as much as hilarious. It really is pretty funny.

I think the innuendo was the thoery that Burke was tampering with Scott prior to FA through Rob.

i.e. Rob, talk your brother into joining us..

Earl Sleek said...

Obama is Christian, not Muslim.

Well, Rudy doesn't seem to be around, so I doctored it. RK--feel free to alter it back, if you are on an Obama-misinformation mission.

i just don't think lowe even suggested tampering.

Here is Lowe's quote: "Don't even ask me about Scott Niedermayer, I've already lowered myself in terms of (talking about) how they acquired him. That's a story for another day, but they were able to bring Niedermayer and Pronger in and they won a Stanley Cup."

Like I said, not very clear, but he was talking about 2005.

heed said...

agreed earl. i went back and listened to it again. i just wish this whole thing would go away. i just want the season to start. i'm sick of talking about hockey...i wanna start watching it again. although gary roberts was just on the local sports station, waxing about the good old days and the battle of alberta. that was some good talk.

ps the nhl couldn't prove tampering if it happened in the league office.

Earl Sleek said...

i'm sick of talking about hockey...i wanna start watching it again.

Yeah, that itch hasn't hit me that hard just yet (quite possibly because we had the shortest offseason ever last year). However, if Schneider gets traded and Selanne signs tomorrow, then in my view the offseason will then be "over" and I'm sure I'll be right there with you.

ps the nhl couldn't prove tampering if it happened in the league office.

Agreed there. I'm not even sure if the league could prove that there was a lockout.

heed said...

Yeah, that itch hasn't hit me that hard just yet (quite possibly because we had the shortest offseason ever last year).

you smug bastard!

Earl Sleek said...

Half-smug, that is.

I'm definitely smug about the Ducks playing into June. I'm a little less smug about the Ducks starting their season in September in London, but hey, we got through it.

la patineuse said...

Of course without Rob Niedermayer's greatest characteristic -- bloodline ties to all-star greatness -- but still, I'm all for this.

You never know. Tukonen could be Teemu's fourth cousin eight times removed. BTW, speaking of bloodlines and the Niedermayers, Jason Strudwick signed with the Oilers. Not only is Strudwick fortunate to have shared bloodlines with the great Scotty Niedermayer, but he's also related to Scott's brother ;) Aw, actually I really do appreciate Rob.

We're 10 days in the free agent signing season, and there doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in Schneider, at least for his or the Ducks' price, so maybe this is what the Ducks get. Although the Kings first round pick would be nice (wishing, pretty please). Do it Burkie!

Speaking of Burke, he sure does have the lawyerese down pat. That was a pretty good response to Lowe's rant. It's funny to see Burke as calm, rational one for a change. But then again he much of what he says is for effect and I don't think this was much different. Hey Burkie, as one of the "pathetic market" denizens---thanks for having our backs!

RudyKelly said...

Yeah, I was joking about Obama being Muslim, but I guess either I suck at jokes or you guys are all stupid. I'm going to go with a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.

PJ Swenson said...

About the media coverage, Lowe is using some of Burke's prior statements against him.

Before Anaheim's Cup winning season one of the biggest stories of the offseason was the Times reduction in coverage along with the NYT and Washington Post. All 3 papers have definitely bumped up their coverage, but in the LAT's case it was more a product of the Stanley Cup run instead of a new direction taken at the paper like the WP and NYT.

The LA Times, Tribune's largest paper is going to cut 250 jobs, 150 jobs in the print and online news departments. Much of it is spurred by advertising revenue moving online, but some genius believes slashing reporting is going to drive more advertising to LAT.com? Right. NHL teams are going to have to take some forward looking steps to increase coverage, and outside of hiring Adam Brady the Ducks are not that kind of team. At least not yet.

heed said...

we got through it

life's rough. i tried to quit drinking right before our cup run in 2006. i had just come back from business in toronto for months and spent every night on the trip on a bar stool. let's just say my attempt was feasible at best. i was seriously panicking when they started talking about the beer shortage. thanks be to more truck drivers.

anyways,

ducks fans, if you promise not to stomp on me...i won't burn your child's cribs.

brokeyard said...

Adolf Hitler once set aside their differences to come to an agreement in 1938; if they can do it, why not the Kings and the Ducks?

Glad to see the Kings are finally comparing themselves to Nazis. I've been doing it for years.

On that note, what's this crazy obsession with Jews? Stay the hell away from us Ducks you freak.

Alexander Dubcek said...

Glad to see the Kings are finally comparing themselves to Nazis. I've been doing it for years.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but the Nazi comparison fits a lot better for the Ducks if you consider how the Ducks have a reputation for thuggery (kind of like the SA) and everyone here jokes about Burke's "racism" toward non-North Americans.

But, seriously, you've been comparing the Kings to Nazis? How does that make any sense?

Sarah said...

I'm so totally late to this post (damn two day power outage!), and most of it is semi-off topic anyway, but...

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that Schneider really is hard to trade (no matter what keeps being said here).

a) He's expensive and older

b) He's only got one year left on his current contract and has expressed his interest in staying (or returning again) to his offseason home and family in CA

c) Most of the teams in need of D have already gotten it elsewhere by now (i.e. Chicago, Ottawa, SJ), and have even paid way more for it

d) You said it Earl: "The Kings don't need this as bad as the Ducks." There is a lot in that statement. The Ducks are getting desperate and why would any team part with a prospect or pick to help out a competitor?

e) The NHL is a business. Sympathy trades are only in the minds of wishful thinking fans. Very rarely will a team take on an expensive player from another team as a favor. They will need to have a reason to actually make a trade, and "favors" aren't among them (especially when it is pretty much a known fact that the GM is only there for another year and won't be accountable for a returned favor)

e) If this GM piss-match has shown anything, it seems that NHL teams don't seem to like the Ducks very much. Thus, teams making a sacrifice (a prospect pick, or even just helping the Ducks maintain their strong roster) to get them out of the trouble they got themselves into wouldn't exactly be a high priority. Or at least for me, 'cause I'm a cold-hearted bitch and like to see jerks squirm.


Sorry for the novel... without power and the distraction of my beloved trash TV, I had time to read and take walks and think. GASP!

Sarah said...

oops, I have two e's.

PJ Swenson said...

Semi-off topic would be a great name for a blog.

*ducks4cup* said...

No thanks on Tukonen. He's a bust