All-Time Sharks, Part 2

Time to continue my post from many moons ago -- that is, the All-Time Sharks, selected on the strength of a single season. While RudyKelley may be looking at the big picture and Earl Sleek may be getting in the spirit of election season with public opinion polls, I'm getting into my theoretical time machine, plucking a bunch of players out of certain times in their career, and sticking them on to a sheet of ice together.

(You know how in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure the dynamic duo pluck Joan of Arc, Socrates, Napoleon, and other historical figures for an all-star history presentation? It's kind of like that, except with Owen Nolan and Jonathan Cheechoo.)

Here's Part 1 of my post to refresh your memory. And now, the third and fourth lines...

3rd Line:
C-Vincent Damphousse 99-00
There can be arguments for Igor Larionov in his pre-Hockeytown stay but I'm going with Damphousse during the true breakout season for the entire Sutter-era. Damphousse managed to create offense despite a ridiculously stifling Sutter emphasis on defense, he played the penalty kill and took face-offs, and he managed to make Dave Lowry look good during the playoffs (Owen Nolan had a big part in that too). Side note: I may be very critical of many of Darryl Sutter's strategic moves during his time in San Jose but sticking a grinder like Lowry on the top line to pester Chris Pronger in the St. Louis series was genius.

Rw-Sergei Makarov 93-94
Oh, that magical 93-94 season when the Red Wings were toast, a foreigner's grammar goof became a rallying cry ("Like wall!"), and Sergei Makarov's 68 points in 80 games led the team at the advanced age of 35. The Ov-attack of Makarov, Larionov, and Johan Garpenlov made the newly post-Cold War era seem so much more lovable, and Makarov gave Bay Area hockey fans goal-scoring skill they hadn't seen before and really, wouldn't see much of again for another five years or so. Side note #2: Todd Elik, the second-leading scorer on that squad, put up a whopping 98 points in 53 games for an Austrian team in the 2006-2007 season at age 40, beating out much younger former NHLer Tavis Hanson.

LW-Marco Sturm 03-04
Marco Sturm's point totals were fairly steady throughout his time with the Sharks, so why pick the season when a nasty crash into the boards forced his foot to bend one way and his leg to bend another? Well, before the injury, Sturm was on pace for a career year. Put on a pure-speed line with Patrick Marleau and Wayne Primeau (if you don't remember, Primeau was ridiculously fast and had no hands at all), the trio made plenty of defensemen look flat for a good stretch of that season. After that injury, Marleau went into a funk until the playoffs and the Sharks cowered against the might of Jarome Iginla in the Conference Final.

4th Line:
C-Mike Ricci 01-02
RW-Niklas Sundstrom 01-02
LW-Scott Thornton 01-02

While I picked the top three lines based on talent and statistics, I'm leaving the fourth line to a grinding/checking group -- but boy, could these guys score. This group comes together as a unit, and if you remember seeing them in action, you'll remember why they earned the monicker "Best 3rd line in hockey." When Darryl Sutter needed a goal, he'd tap his third line to work the boards until the could grind one out, sometimes even on the power play. The line had it all: Ricci's face-off abilities and strong work on the boards, Sundstrom's smooth hands and wicked passes, and Thornton's previously untapped goal-scoring abilities (that season with a career high of 26). For whatever reason, the chemistry fell apart the next year, and soon after, injuries slowed down Ricci and Thornton while Sundstrom was traded.

Still, something has to be said for a checking unit that kills penalties, shuts down the opposition's top line, and puts up almost a combined 150 points. Reech, Scotty, we still love you. Sunny, um, well, you're like that old college lab partner that was fun to talk to and got the job done even though you never became a good friend. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Kings Gameday: Uncle Kracker?

Los Angeles Kings (hepsch) @ Vancouver Canucks (25-17-5, t-6th in West)

7:00 PST, 1150 AM

At the beginning of the season I had a great idea to read through player bios and then decide if I like them more or less based on that information. It was a fun, quirky way to get to know the players a little better. Of course, I do that once and then the website I was getting the information from (lakingsjunkie.com) never updated again so I couldn’t continue the series. But you know what? Fuck it, I’m still doing it, I’ll just use the old bios from LaKings.com instead. I already judged Frolov and Cammalleri (which you can find here), so today I will be judging Anze Kopitar, Dustin Brown, and Scott Thornton.

Anze Kopitar

What I like: His favorite movie is Happy Gilmore, he likes Jessica Alba (who doesn’t?), and an interesting fact you might not know about him is that he loves pancakes… wait, HE DOES??? Holy shit. My mind is blown right now. That is the most interesting fact in the entire world.

What I don’t like: His favorite recording artist is Uncle Kracker. Who the hell likes Uncle Kracker? I don’t even think Uncle Kracker’s mom’s favorite recording artist is Uncle Kracker. There’s a couple other things that bother me about him, but this one is really all I need.

Overall: I like him less. Honestly, Uncle Kracker? Get the fuck out of here.

Are they scissoring?

Dustin Brown

What I like: His favorite movie is Fight Club, his favorite action hero is Batman, he likes Las Vegas, and he supports Leukemia. No, wait… he supports fighting leukemia. Sorry, I read that wrong.

What I don’t like: He likes World of Warcraft (nerd), he listens to Tim McGraw (what is this, baseball?), and his favorite TV show is King of Queens. The last one will be removed if he only likes it because of Leah Remini.

Overall: I like him more. I can’t dislike a guy who enjoys Fight Club. Plus, maybe he’ll read this and invite me to Vegas.

God, Mike Ricci is freakishly ugly.

Scott Thornton

What I like: Pretty much everything, but some of the highlights are that his favorite band is Social Distortion (see, that’s a hockey band), he hates slow drivers and yappy dogs, he likes The Godfather, his favorite actor is Ed Norton… basically, Scott Thornton is the coolest dude ever.

What I don’t like: Umm, I guess his nickname: Thorty. Honestly, hockey players are the laziest people in the world when it comes to nicknames. Why not, like, “The Godfather” or “Healthy Scratch” or something like that?

Overall: I like him more. I wish Scott Thornton was actually good at hockey because he sounds like a guy I’d want to have a beer with. He’s like Craig Conroy without the talent.

Prediction: Kings win, 3-1. Goals by Brown, Lubo, and “The Godfather.”

Kings Gameday: Who Would You Disappear?

Los Angeles Kings (worst) @ Detroit Red Wings (best)

4:30 PST, FSN West, TSN


The Kings have a lot of dead weight laying around. They have 2 players in the AHL, Peter Harrold and Ted Purcell, who have clearly shown that they deserve at least a few games in the NHL. Who’s going to make room for them, though? Depending on what kind of team you’re looking for, at least one of the following players is unnecessary. Which one would you disappear?

Kevin Dallman

Pros: Can play offense and defense… still relatively young… available to play the point on the power play… his last name sounds like a really shitty Batman villain.

Cons: Sucks… he’d never actually play defense (we’d just call someone up)… offensive defenseman, which we don't need... this is his only picture available on Yahoo!:

Raitis Ivanans

Pros: Fights… one of the better enforcers at actually playing hockey… has not killed a person yet (that I know of).

Cons: Sucks… can’t fight right now, which makes him worthless… takes bad penalties… always a possibility that he’ll learn how to read and find all the bad things I've written about him.

John Zeiler

Pros: Physical… makes a lot of noise when he plays… looks like he has a stick up his ass when he skates… can draw penalties… he looks like a guy I played college hockey with.

Cons: Sucks… falls all the time… his hits have no affect on the play whatsoever… has a two-way contract so not subject to waivers... kind of a jackass… I was never fond of that guy from college.

Jeff Giuliano

Pros: Good energy… effective on the penalty kill… can also help shut down other scorers… young... his face is quite humorous.

Cons: Sucks… has a two-way contract, so not subject to waivers... so poor at stick handling I wonder how he can piss properly… he made me write that last comment… honestly, look at his face:

Brian Willsie

Pros: Umm... is not a cannibal?

Cons: Sucks… takes bad shots… no special teams ability… his blood burns through steel… not too sure about the cannibal thing.

Scott Thornton

Pros: Physical… good character guy… leader and elder statesman on the team… can fight… looks fetching in bike shorts.

Cons: Sucks… slow… no special teams ability… makes $1.5 mil…might have to get rid of him just to keep Crawford from putting him on a line with Kopitar… seriously, what the fuck… that’s ridiculous.

So, who would you waive? Ultimately, I think you have to go with Brian Willsie. Each of the other guys brings something that another can't: Dallman brings options, Ivanans will eventually instill fear into the hearts of men again, Zeiler instills energy, Giuliano gives Kopitar a rest on the penalty kill, and Scott Thornton provides leadership in the locker room. What does Brian Willsie bring? I honestly don't know. I know it's harsh, but I really don't think he's doing anything that a 22-year-old Ted Purcell couldn't do much better. Sorry, Brian; good luck in Europe next year.

***

This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but doesn't Joe Thornton's beard make him look like Snarf from Thundercats? Here's Joe (left):

...and here's Snarf:

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy.

***

Prediction: The Kings are the worst team in the league and they're playing Detroit, the best team in the league. Obviously, Kings win, 7-1. Goals by Brown x2, Frolov x3, O'Sullivan and Handzus. I've never been more confident in a prediction in my life.

BoC Gameday—Battle of the Thorntons Update

Anaheim Ducks (22-3-6, 1st in west) at Tampa Bay Lightning (14-13-2, t-9th in east)
Colorado Avalanche (13-13-2, 10th in west) at Los Angeles Kings (10-16-4, t-11th in west)
Nashville Predators (18-7-3, 3rd in west) at San Jose Sharks (20-9-0, 2nd in west)

Not to mention 11 other games today, featuring everyone except the Stanley Cup Finalists Edmonton Oilboys and Carolina Candy Canes.

Anyway, I guess I’d better feature this now, while gloating is still possible.

Battle of the Thorntons

Thornton	Team	GP	EV min	EV pts	EV pts/hr	+/-	PIM
Shawn	ANA	8	68:18	1-3-4	3.51	+7	26
Joe	SJS	29	414:51	6-6-12	1.74	-7	12
Scott	LAK	29	287:02	4-1-5	1.05	-9	19

Oops. They must have given that Hart trophy to the wrong Thornton.

Shawn, incidentally, has yet to be on the ice for an Anaheim goal-against.

[EDIT: I ran some Shawn Thornton numbers on last night's game. I think this is the first time Shawn has faced some tough minutes, as he played nearly 6 1/2 minutes against Ovechkin (about 57% of his ice time vs. AO). In fact, here's the elements of his Gordie Howe hat trick:

Goal: scored 31 seconds into his first shift. In his first game since Nov. 12.
Fight: initiated 35 seconds into his second shift. A decisive victory.
Assist: 22 seconds into his ninth shift, before the game was to the halfway point.

And the commonality? Omunchkin was on the ice for all of 'em. Sweet mother of mercy.]

Prediction: BoC 10, Challengers 5.

The Battle of the Thorntons

In a move that was so under the radar that it hasn’t been officially declared on Anaheim’s official site, the Ducks have completed the BoC trifecta by signing UFA punching bag Shawn Thornton (story here).

I don’t believe Shawn is blood-related to Joe (SJ) or Scott (LA), and is unlikely to crack the big club (and I’m not even 100% that this news release is true), so for now we’ll just leave the blog title alone.

Anyone in for a Thornton-Thornton trade?

[Edit: now it's official.]

Bye bye Scott Thornton

I guess the story about Joe and Scott Thornton not being really close as cousins was true. Otherwise, you'd think Joe would have lobbied for Scott's option to be picked up. Instead, the Sharks move forward without Scott Thornton -- a good foot soldier during his time here, but never a vital component once the Ricci/Thornton/Sundstrom line disintegrated during The Year From Hell (2002-2003).

Thornton was counted on to be a power forward that would battle in front of the net while the rest of the Sharks used their speed. Unfortunately, Scott never consistently played with that grit this season. There were flashes here and there, especially right after cousin Joe was acquired, but Scott was rendered a non-entity for the majority of the season and his option at $1.5 million was nowhere near justifiable for pickup.

However, the Sharks still have grit to fill with Thornton's role now absent. There are plenty of free agent options out there, and they're not always going to be terribly expensive (I've always thought luring away someone like Mike Grier would be a good idea). Bottom line, whoever steps in on Thornton's spot on the third line needs to be faster than Scott and be more willing to plant himself in front of the net. Scott was effective when he did so, but he didn't always get there on a regular basis.

Sharks in review: Part 2

While Earl Sleek is busy recovering from last night's sucky suckitude, I'll wave my arms and try to grab the attention of what few remaining Sharks fans are reading this blog. Part 2 of the Sharks in review focuses on the 3rd/4th line guys:

Scott Thornton: A brutal season for Joe's older cousin. Aside from the odd big hit, not much went right for big Scotty T. Low point totals meant for another frustrating season -- perhaps Scott only plays well when paired with Mike Ricci. In any case, despite his insane dedication to being in shape, Thornton looks like time has passed him by. I often wondered why he wasn't placed in the slot on the power play and given the assignment of "Screen the goalie/don't freakin' move except to get a rebound" but I figure Ron Wilson is smarter than me and knows something I don't. Regular season: C-. Playoffs: C+

Ville Nieminen: It's hard to judge Ville's value after only being here a short while, but he certainly came as advertised -- hard hitting, hard working, good penalty killing, and a gigantic jaw that you can see for miles. The best thing about Ville's game was that he brought all those to the table without his trademark stupid penalties that marred his time in Calgary. Not too shabby, Ville. Regular season: B+. Playoffs: B+

Alyn McCauley: It was recently revealed that McCauley's knee had been bothering him since August, which makes me wonder why he didn't just get it taken care of then. Instead, we had a very sub-par season from McCauley who, despite being the Sharks top penalty killer when he played, noticably missed a step from the season prior. McCauley's a UFA and I'd love to see him back, but because of his health situation, I'd only sign him to a short-term deal. Regular season: C-. Playoffs: C-.

Mark Smith: If you could put Mark Smith's heart with Nils Ekman's hands, you'd have a hell of a hockey player. Unfortunately, Smith's only good from the defensive half of the ice. Get him a breakaway and he bobbles the puck like, well, like I do in my beer league games. Still, Smith did what his role dictated and set career highs in points. A few seasons ago, he was the Sharks go-to guy on faceoffs. Unfortunately, his faceoff abilities seem to have diminished. Regular season: B+. Playoffs: B-.

Patrick Rissmiller: When Doug Wilson gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Rissmiller isn't ever going to be a top two line guy, but that's ok -- he brings energy and a tiny bit of skill to the game. Rissmiller may be back as a fourth line guy, but he very well could be a career AHLer. It's not any fault of his own -- he knows his role and he did it well when given the opportunity. Regular season: B. Playoffs: C.

Marcel Goc: The Sharks had high hopes for the young German. While Goc started strong and was one of the best players on the team during the first two months of the season, his play tailed off dramatically and was a non-factor during the playoffs (in addition to getting smoked on almost every faceoff). Doug Wilson is still high on Goc, but here's hoping his sophomore campaign is much better. Regular season: C-. Playoffs: D.

Grant Stevenson: Stevenson's a career AHLer who played to the best of his abilities and had some fortunate bounces early on, but time showed that he couldn't cut it at the NHL level. If the Sharks make any roster additions during the offseason, it's pretty likely that that's the last we'll see of Stevenson up in the big leagues. Regular season: C-. Playoffs: C-.