Why Isn't the NHL on USA?

The biggest problem facing the NHL is still the lack of a major television deal in the United States. The league was dumped a few years ago by ESPN and rebounded with the nice but ultimately inadequate Versus.* I think we can all agree that the NHL needs a network with a little more panache and a little less rodeoing, but they can't by all rights go back to ESPN because one, ESPN sucks and two, they already have too many things going on as it is. So who does the NHL turn to? Why not the USA Network?

*Versus probably cries after sex.

Yes, USA, the network that loves characters and formulaic mystery shows. Some may be wondering how the USA Network is qualified to show the NHL, but USA already has some experience broadcasting sports (they had a lot of Olympics coverage and recently showed the US Tennis Open). Besides, did TNT have experience before they started showing the NBA? Or TBS, before they acquired the rights to Major League Baseball? Most other leagues have a deal with ESPN and a non-sports network to diversify their coverage, and the NHL should follow that. A weekly schedule with a major game on Monday on Versus and, say, Thursday or Friday on USA would be great for the NHL. Plus, USA is owned by the same company that owns NBC, so it would seem pretty easy to add something to that existing agreement.

The USA Network is perfect because it's high profile enough to garner notice among casual fans while still needing original programming to fill their time slot. NBC has to worry about the Stanley Cup Playoffs impacting sweeps, while USA only has to shuffle their weekly Monk marathon. Putting the NHL on USA would be a boon for hockey and would help spread the game to a wider audience. It should happen.

Brett Favre: Pigskin Hero to Pig-Skinned Zero?

Favre the enforcer? It might be his best option.
Well, I’m late to the show on this story, but I guess in a quest for Midwest relevance, the Ducks’ new AHL affiliate the Iowa Pigs have offered a contract of some unknown capacity to former NFL great Brett Favre. Now on the face of things, this is a more ridiculous idea than even the Kings moving to Kansas City, and I’m not even sure the relevant question is “Can Brett Favre play hockey?”, but what the heck? It’s a summertime story.

Now I really don’t have a ton to say about this marketing gimmick, because even though this is a somewhat Ducks-related story, I may be one of the least-knowledgeable internet voices on the subject.

• As I note regularly, I don’t follow the AHL at all, as it’s not televised in any way in SoCal. I probably cannot name five players who played for the Portland Pirates (Anaheim’s previous affiliate) last year—those that I can name were introduced to me when they were called up to the big club.



• I have no idea how well or badly hockey sells in Iowa. This may be the key to answering the question, “Is this a good idea or not?” [EDIT: Puck Daddy provides a good Iowa perspective about hockey.]



• I don’t know very much about Brett Favre, as I avoid the NFL like Todd Bertuzzi avoids backchecking. I basically know that he’s a long-time Packers quarterback who has had some recent retirement controversy (the football fan staying in my house filled me in on this last night), but still remains one of the top 10 most recognizable and appealing names in sports.

So, from my seat of ignorance, I don’t know how well to commend or condemn the new Iowa ownership for their certainly brazen gimmick; if it generates enough buzz to get more eyes on Pigs Hockey, probably it’s a good idea. Still, what’s next for the Iowa Headline-Makers? What other former athlete, now estranged from the sport that made them famous, could help bring this club to local prominence?

Barry Bonds on the blueline? Michael Vick on the wing? Let’s get some suggestions to help put this Pig club on the map.

What Now? Part 3

As related in the last 2 segments, the Kings aren't going to be very good next year. They're going to score a lot and give up a lot and will most likely finish 5th in the conference again. With that knowledge, one might wonder how the Kings are going to possibly attract any fans. Last year, the Kings had the tagline, "We Play for LA," which I did not like. The Kings focused on Anze Kopitar, Dustin Brown and Jack Johnson near the end of last year, which I imagine they'll continue doing. Still, they'll need a little more to appeal to the LA consumer, an incredibly fickle lot. Since I'm smart and incredibly good looking, I thought I'd help out the Kings and come up with a few slogans for them. Granted, my only marketing knowledge comes from that 30 seconds of Mad Men I caught once, but I think that's more than enough. Feel free to come up with your own ideas in the comments.


"LA Kings- Young, Dumb, and Full of Cum." Hey, c'mon, they are.

Take it off!

"We're adorable!" I'm not going to lie, the Kings have a good looking team. Frolov has that smitten look on his face all the time, Jack Johnson's got a "come hither" smile, Jarret Stoll has a Harry Osborne quality about him, and Dustin Brown... well, he just has a big dick. And the new guys are also adorable. Look at Brian Boyle, he looks like Joe Millionaire! And I want to adopt Ted Purcell. I say the Kings try to tap into that cougar market. Make a calendar, give Kopitar a puppy to hold, and the Kings are golden. Sure, they're going to get scolded when they get into a fight, but Sean Avery isn't going to start shit if he knows he's going to pelted with pocket books on his way to the bus.

(Do women carry pocket books or am I just 90 years old?)

STOP STRIKING OUT, ASSHOLE!

"We don't have Andruw Jones." There's a lot of Dodger fans out there, and most of them are just as disgruntled as myself. Why not try to lure them over by pointing out the advantages of being a Kings fan; namely that you don't have to watch some fat asshole flail around 4 or 5 times a game like you do when you watch the Dodgers. Goddammit.

"We're the Lakers." This suggestion is a little out there, but I think the Kings should change their name to the Lakers. I figure at least a few people will get confused as to which Lakers team is playing and will accidentally show up to a hockey game. Hopefully they'll just decide to stay and watch the game. Hey, it could work.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

"ThE KiNgS r SiCk BrO!" There are a lot of douche bags in Los Angeles, as any native knows, and the Kings should exploit that. They could advertise in LA Weekly, give discounts to people that wear American Apparel, have Fall Out Boy play the national anthem, stuff like that. I couldn't go to the games anymore because 1) I wouldn't be able to see because jackasses would be standing and waving at the jumbotron the entire time and 2) I'd kill someone, but that's okay, I don't go to many games anyway. If every douche bag in LA went to just one game, the Kings would dominate attendance numbers.


"It's hockey." That's really all I need.

Why the Kings are less popular than the rival Ducks

Besides the obvious winning aspect the Ducks have over the cross town Los Angles Kings, i feel that its more of advertising. The Kings have great young talent and once they solve a few minor issues in the line-up the team could be very dangerous in the Pacific division. So why are the celebrities going to Ducks games? It's not just the Ducks winning, its not that Orange County is more hockey friendly, if anything its not. The issue is poor Kings marketing, which even for a Ducks fan like me makes me sad.

Heres my evidence of poor Kings advertising:



Its a great thought, but i feel like the Kings organization hired the guys from South Park to do this. If the Kings chose to make a more flashy appeal to fans, maybe they would be able to build a great fan base for all the young talent they have.

I would even go as far as using the previous Kings video posted on here by another writer as a female advertisement to gain Kings fans. Call it Kings All access!

*Disclaimer*- This is purely a joke, and in no way do I mean any disrespect to Kings fans. I am in no way a Kings fan but would like to see them do well and I am excited for the future of Kings hockey with all the young talent. Anyway, enjoy the video. Its a little more G rated than some I've seen on here.

The NHL, Boring? No Way!

-Did anyone else think it was weird that they had a "NHL Young Guns" feature during tonight's hilarious NHL Awards ceremony and of the 3 California teams they showed... Corey Perry. Really? Perry? Not Getzlaf, who is the same age and way better? Not Kopitar, Brown, O'Sullivan? Hell, not even Milan Michalek? Seems weird to me. Oh, I'm sorry, you were busy showing 10 clips of Carey Price and not even one of Jonathan Toews or Patrick Kane, I'll shut up now. (Did they? I didn't think I saw one.)

-You have to think that Gary Bettman was hoping at least one English-speaking player won an award. Thank God for Vinny Lecavalier.

-When did Adam Graves turn into fucking Edward Scissorhands? I thought he was going to turn Cammi Granato's hair into a lawn figure.

-I knew chemo could make your hair fall out but I had no idea it could turn you into a mole. Hey Jason, it's called the Sun; you should hang out.

-Holy fuck are these the worst award ceremonies ever. I love hockey, and I love making fun of people, but I don't think I can get through this. They should have livened things up a bit by hitting Red Kelly in the face with a pie while screaming, "T-t-today, Junior!" Fuck this, I'm watching Monk. Look, he's afraid to touch things! Oh Monk, your zany ways make me feel better about my miserable life.

Even the Shirtzooka is working against the Kings

Nice attempt JT, but the non-remix Eastern Motors ads are in a class by themselves. This shirtzooka ad for I'm not sure which company, sums up the Los Angeles Kings season pretty well.

Best hockey ad alltime is still a tie between the Nike French Canadian cabdriver and the Nike Mats Sundin vs Mats Sundin fan ad. Honorable mention to the ESPN Ball of Hockey knowledge ad.

Best hockey ad out of San Jose was either an eye doctor one with "NHL Super Star" Stephane Matteau, if a board could act its name would be Stephane, and an old Sportschannel ad that just had a loud fuzz pedal guitar riff and guys dropping pucks on bubble hockey players. Joe Thornton is making a run at the top spot with his Do these pants make my Butt look big and toaster ads.

Some of the best (or worst) commercial cameos with sport stars

In case you haven't been trolling the hockey blogosphere, the unintentionally hilarious performances of Colby Armstrong, Maxim Talbot, Sergei Gonchar and Evgeni Malkin have generated a lot of harsh criticisms from some of the most respected hockey bloggers. If you haven't seen it you owe it to yourself to watch it (I think I watched it about 7 times in a row out of amazement). Another big find by the unbeatable James Mirtle.

But I have to say, Eric McErlain was being a little unfair to the Pens. After all, DC is home to perhaps the most absurdly entertaining local ad campaigns I've ever seen in the form of the Eastern Motors commercials. Behold:

I thought I'd also include Troy Aikman's Wing Stop commercials since I've probably made 2-3 jokes about it on this blog. And hopefully to make anyone who's reading this around lunch uncomfortably hungry. You're welcome.

(Now THAT'S how you nail a local spot. Be the only person in the ad who isn't cripplingly corny. Only "considerably corny" by my count)

Anyway, I'd love people to link some of the funniest BoC area spots they've seen. Since this should be about the Stars I'll concede this half decent Brendan Morrow commercial from the Dallas Stars All-Star voting promos which also included Sergei Zubov making a stilted Office Space reference:

(Note to self: in order to complete my evil plan of becoming Stars co-GM, I must rise to the position of Ambassador of Fun. Screw all that Assistant GM/law school nonsense!)

NHL finds a new revenue source?

You should probably laugh at this now before it comes true.

Youtube video of the day: Sharks Mascot on Segway in Traffic

Even the mascots are better in Northern California.

Sharks fans like their beer fresh, and their Pronger flat?

Interesting advertisement from the Sharks marketing department. You might be a Sharks fan if... you like your beer fresh (check), your Pronger flat (check), you imitate a Latvian accent when you say 'Like Wall' (check), you have a pavlovian response to boo anything with the words 'Los Angeles' in it (check), you are still in denial and waiting for upcoming league nullification of Anaheim's "Mighty" Stanley Cup run (check).

But this advertisement makes one wonder, is the marketing department writing checks that the players on the ice can't cash? Mark Bell tried to flatten Shane O'Brien last season. Scott Parker did flatten George Parros with a 2-punch knockout. Ryane Clowe and Shawn Thornton unsuccessfully tried to flatten each other at the Honda Center regular season finale.

Throughout the intra-state rivalry, Chris Pronger remained relatively unflattened. Will it change this season? The San Jose Sharks marketing department believes so.

Do stupid uniforms make Cents?

Part of me thinks that NHL marketers are devious geniuses—they are purposely producing shitty Reebok designs so that fans will demand another design as quickly as possible. Consumers will pay twice—grudgingly buying a lackluster jersey this summer and enthusiastically buying an improved version the next.

Secrets and unveilings may be exciting, but remember: fans are the ones cheated by having no voice in the design of the product they are expected to buy. It would have been nice if the NHL sampled its fans' reactions prior to mass production, but then again, if the new uniforms looked too good off the bat, how could they get away with a re-re-design next summer?

Anyway, as for Scott and Teemu vs. retirement, there are still no concrete decisions as of yet. At the start of the summer, I decided that I wasn't going to write too much about offseason moves or projected lineups until those questions were answered, and I won't start today. I guess I still lean towards optimism about the players returning, but all summer I have mostly focused my attention on Scott's return status—I realize that I've been way too spoiled watching last year's double-Norris blueline, but dammit! It turns out I like being spoiled!

C'mon, NHL. Am I the only one with a brain for marketing?

I can't believe I'm giving the NHL a lesson in 'spin', but why all the negativity for Chris Simon the criminal? Why not instead celebrate Chris Simon the bloodthirsty warrior?

This is where we fight.

This is where they die.
Check theaters and NHL arenas for movie and game times near you!


NEW YORK (AP)--The NHL, in conjunction with Warner Brothers' release of the film '300', arranged a publicity stunt on the ice the other night during its Rangers-Islanders game to further promote both the movie's opening weekend and the notion that hockey is an modern on-ice version of the battle of Sparta. Aspiring Spartan Chris Simon of the New York Islanders was able to offer a sneak peek at one of the movie's several battle stunts on Hollywood extra Jason Hollweg, causing several onlookers to gush about the over-the-top choreography and drama that characterize both the film and the on-ice product.

"The NHL has been spending millions of dollars to convince me that players are gladiators doing blood-battle," said one observer, "but I didn't believe it until now. Gosh I can't wait to see this movie!" The league responded by saying that more such publicity stunts would be unveiled in the near future to correspond with America's fascination for body-count films.

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Let's start milking that Hollywood synergy, Bettman. It can't be any tougher than telling us that the lockout benefited fans or that Ryan Smyth was a hockey deal, can it?

Feel free to leave your own NHL spin-doctoring in the comments. (If it's good enough, maybe you'll get hired for the job!)