Kings Gameday: Red Dawn 2

LA Kings vs. Washington Bolsheviks

7:30 PST, Fox Sports West


Tonight is Russian Heritage Night at Staples Center, which is a great idea because it gets all of them in one spot so we can capture them. I stopped paying attention to politics in 1989, so I don't know too much, but I do know that commies are bad and I hate them. They tried to trick me with that whole Glasnost thing, but I know what's up: Russians, having failed to take over the world economically, are now trying to take over through hockey. They've infiltrated our nation's capital, led by their furry leader, Alex Ovechkin. His comrades Alex Semin (hehe) and Sergei Fedorov are probably "out" tonight, but I'm pretty sure it's all a ruse for some sort of un-American activity.* Standing in their way? The good, solid, American squad of Los Angeles Kings, led by Drew Doughty, Anze Kopitar and Erik Ersberg. The Kings are the only thing standing in the way of a Russian invasion, and I'll be damned if they're going to fail. "Wolverines!"


*We really should start some sort of committee to investigate all these Un-American activities. I think the House of Representatives should get on this.


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As part of Russian Heritage Night, the Kings are offering a ticket that allows you to get two free vodka drinks. Does that seem offensive to anyone else? Are they going to have a African-American heritage night and offer Kool-Aid? I don't get why we as a society let stuff like that slide and yet when I offer my penis to the girls' soccer team I'm the asshole. Geez, you've never seen 10 year-olds create such a commotion.

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As promised, here's your chance to vote on a new nickname for the Patrick O'Sullivan-Anze Kopitar-Dustin Brown line. I vow to call this line whatever nickname you pick for the rest of the season or until I get bored. The popular option in the comments was Danzick O'Brownitar, and commenter Reeces came up with this picture (I think he used Kopitar's eyes):


Weird that you can take three ugly guys, combine them, and the result is James Marsden.

What to Name the O'Sullivan-Kopitar-Brown Line

Terry Murray has reunited the Patrick O'Sullivan-Anze Kopitar-Dustin Brown line that was such a surprising success in the 2nd half of last season. If that sentence sounds familiar it's because I wrote it about 3 weeks ago the first time Murray did this; then they played one game together and Murray put O'Sullivan on the 4th line. Now O'Sullivan is seemingly back and I think it's time the line deserved a name. because I had this all set up before Murray dicked them (and me around). Here's a few options I came up with, and then I'll take a few good suggestions in the comments and have a vote tomorrow. Hooray for democracy!

Option A: LAPD, Central Division- This option evokes memories of the old LAPD line (Allison-Palffy-Deadmarsh), but it has the added bonus of being a little bit more rough 'n tumble than the old line. The name works because their names work (Anze-Patrick-Dustin) and it's similar to the older incarnation because all three had a niche that complimented the other two. The downside to this name is obviously the fact that all three LAPD members were out of hockey 4 years after they first hooked up. Also, the name isn't entirely original.



Option B: Dawn of the Dead Line- A solid comedy option, the name works because the line is unyielding and relentless; also, all three of them look like zombies. I chose "Dawn" because they're all young and at the dawning of their career. (I'm clever.) This line could also be called the Sandman Line, although I'm starting to think that Dustin Brown should take that name for himself. The best part of this nickname: when they score, the entire arena could moan, "BRAAAIIIINNNSSS." It admittedly wouldn't make much sense, but it would be funny.

Option C: The Whew Line- "Shit, is that Kyle Calder? Oh, it's just Patrick O'Sullivan. Whew."

Option D: The Maxi-PAD Line- So called because their names line up (Patrick-Anze-Dustin) and because they give maximum effort on every shift. The downside is... actually, I can't think of one. Try to make fun of that name, pundits!

So there you go. Let me know if you have any good ideas in the comments. Something involving raccoons would be appreciated.

Update: This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but I'll be damned if it's not the most adorable thing I've ever seen: