Cue "Taps"

WOW. Someone just played Panic's entrance music. If things looked bad for the Stars just a few days ago, now the team is pondering meteor shower insurance. Rudy posted the news but if you have anti-scroll disease, Brenden Morrow is out for the season.

The Stars are effectively "fixed." As in they've been de-balled.

With Marty Turco having a mini-meltdown and Brad Richards giving weepy interviews in emo shirts, trading away Jussi Jokinen and Mike Smith is looking closer to Bochenski for Versteeg these days. Honestly, Richards had enough positive moments in the playoffs that he gained a ... sort of flattering nickname in the "Five Dollar Shake." No Pulp Fiction jokes for him now, though. Although perhaps a "do I LOOK like a bitch?" might work.

So, with chicken little getting on the first trip to DFW Airport, I thought it might be fun to look at the different ways this mess can shake out:

1. The put-your-head-between-your-legs-and-pray approach

The plane's losing cabin pressure. Oxygen masks just popped out over your head. Babies are crying. Virgins are tearing off each others clothes and all you can do is prepare for a fiery grave.


In the Stars case, they are hoping the after-life includes one of the top two draft picks. There seems to be some hockey nerd slap fights over who's going to be the number one pick, but it's pretty hard to imagine John Tavares suffering an Angelo Esposito-type fate (or Aaron Rogers type fate, for you hockey borderliners). But even if Tavares suffers from a Fannie Mae-ish drop in stock, the Stars could benefit from getting the next big hype machine (Tavares) or Victor Hedman, Sweden's answer to Zdeno Chara.

Let's face it, kids, Smokin' Sergei Zubov is aging as hastily as Meg Ryan (seriously, what butcher of a plastic surgeon made her lips into couch cushions?). Turco's struggles are well documented, but even if he rights the ship he's not exactly a young man either. And the Stars' offense is anchored by really old players (Modano) and guys who are hovering around the dreaded 30-zone (Morrow, Mike Ribeiro). (Oh, and of course douche bags like Sean Avery)

In other words, this might be the perfect time for the Stars to have a free fall to a high-end pick. Dallas doesn't have NHL draft savants like Detroit so those perpetual playoff runs and future mortgaging trades make it tough to bring in high-end offensive talent. The defense has some guys who still have a chance to be good again, but no Jack Johnson, no Erik Johnson or any other future franchise D guy not named Johnson.

So maybe the Stars can pull a San Antonio Spurs - a team that hovered around good for years, had one atrocious year and ended up with Tim Duncan. Just sayin'.

2. Us against the world?

Something tells me that Linda Cohn and Co. left the Stars bandwagon in a ditch somewhere in podunkia. Allowing awful end of the period goals, taking stupid penalties and generally shitting the bed means that the Stars can go back to being way under the radar.

Could that be a good formula for a rebound? Stranger things have happened and Morrow, despite his playoff heroics, was struggling too this season. *Shrug*

3. Liquidation time!!! Clearance sale!!! All underperforming players must GO!

Never hurts to dream.

Then again, the Stars COULD go apeshit and go into full-on rebuild mode. After all, the economy is shit and the crowds will get sparser by the meltdown. Carrying an expensive losing roster might not be feasible with the economy getting gang raped. And if nothing else, the Stars have some big contracts and big names who could actually have decent trade value.

Turco might not exactly be at his most valuable level, but he has a huge contract. Who knows ... maybe a miracle could happen and they could move him for Jason Spezza.

WOW! This is fun! Making up completely unsubstantiated rumors is almost as fan as playing Gears of War 2!

In all seriousness, the Stars could look to shop players (kinda doubt Turco will go anywhere though). Zubov is a high-skill, high-age guy who could be a splendid trading deadline candidate. Richards might be too expensive, but he's still a very talented player. Ribeiro is a tool and an injury faking douche. This is undeniable. But he's also been a point per game player. He actually was really good in the playoffs and didn't writhe around on the ice like an asshole last year.

Would there be anyone crazy enough to take Avery off their hands?

If there's anything the NHL has shown me, it's that stupid trades and free agent signings happen all the time. It would be nice if the Stars came out on the winning end this year.

-------------------------------------------------------

So, those seem to be the three paths the Stars can take. Without bias or any "research" to get in the way of my opinions. Hope you enjoyed it.

Brenden Morrow Out 6 Months With a Torn ACL

You know, I've been predicted every season for the past 6 seasons that the Stars were going to falter, and every season they've made me look like a jackass. This season I finally don't predict a letdown and this looks like the season they finally falter. Just thought you'd like to know how this is affecting me personally.

Brown's Hits on Robidas and Ribeiro

Brown doesn't knock Robidas over the boards, he knocks him above the boards. That's one of the better board shots you're going to see.





Brown got a 5-minute boarding major for this one. Like I pointed out during the off-season, Brown hardly ever gets penalties as a result of his hits and I don't really think this should have been 5 minutes. At the same time, however, Brown hit a guy on the numbers and his face hit the boards, so it's definitely boarding. It was mostly an accident and a result of Ribeiro flinching away from contact, but I wouldn't be too surprised if Brown got a one-game suspension out of it. Morrow got a penalty for instigation and is supposed to get a one-game suspension and a fine, but I assume the league will rescind it after considering the score and the situation.

Ribeiro had a really nice shootout goal and followed it up with pointless showboating, first putting his hand to his pouty lips to silence the crowd and then skating by the Kings bench and mouthing off. I love the idea of a guy talking smack when not 5 minutes earlier he was lying crumpled on the ice, but I guess that's what the Dallas Stars are now. I feel kind of bad for Mike Modano and Segei Zubov: those guys have been class acts their whole careers and have led that team to so much glory and now their twilight years are being spent surrounded by a bunch of crowing jackasses. Oh well, I'm sure they'll have a lot to crow about today, seeing as how they're sitting at the bottom of the Pacific Division.

This May Only Interest Me: Aggression Penalties

Dustin Brown led the league with 311 hits, which is all very cool. More important, however, was the fact that Brown led the league in hits while still being remarkably clean. I was bored so I took a look at the top 3 leaders in hits (Brown, Mike Komisarek and Brenden Morrow) to see how many "aggression penalties" (elbowing, roughing, charging, etc.) each guy got. The result? Brown's worth is enhanced by the fact that he gets his hits without taking additional penalties. As a bonus, he hardly ever takes himself out of the game through fighting and often goads the other fighter into additional penalties.

Dustin Brown

311 hits
55 PIM
3 Fights

Dustin Brown only had 6 minutes of "aggression penalties," 2 roughs and 1 elbow. He had 3 fights:

-against Eric Brewer, who fought Brown because Brown clicked him with a high stick
-against Daymond Langkow, who received a 2-minute roughing penalty (and got his ass kicked)
-against Brent Seabrook, who got an instigator penalty for rightly fighting Brown after Dustin elbowed Jonathan Toews

Brown's other penalties were for hooks and trips and the like. That's pretty remarkable that he can get that many hits without getting many penalties. It says to me that Brown is looking for the play, not the hit. He could cut down on his other penalties, but that negative effect is likely outweighed by his excellent ability to draw penalties.

Mike Komisarek

266 hits
101 PIM
5 fights

Mike Komisarek had 12 minutes in aggression penalties: 5 roughs and an instigation. He had 5 fights and didn't goad an additional penalty in any of them. In the playoffs, Komisarek had 10 aggression penalty minutes in 12 games. I guess he got a little excited. Overall, Komisarek is getting the job done with his hitting but he needs to reign it in a little bit to cause more impact. Plus, the dude could stand to stop taking so many penalties period. He is his team's best penalty killer but he's usually the one in the box.

Brenden Morrow

260 hits
105 PIM
5 fights

Morrow had 18 aggression penalty minutes: 4 roughs, 2 elbows, 2 charges, and a knee. Eclectic. Morrow had 5 fights and took an additional penalty in one of them while goading an instigator in one. The problem with Morrow, at least to me, is who he fought: Steve Bernier, Aaron Voros, Nathan McIver, Adam Burish, Ryan Suter. Morrow is way too valuable to the Stars to be wasting his time in the penalty box with Aaron Voros.

(The guy really needs to calm down when he's playing the Ducks. He had 18 minutes in penalty in the 8 regular season games against them, a lot of them while battling Francois Beauchemin. That kind of makes me laugh. I mean, of all the people on the Ducks, you hate Beauchemin?)

Hits are like stolen bases in baseball. Sure, it's nice number, but you have to understand that there is risk associated with it. It's great if a guy steals 50 bases, but if he's getting thrown out a third of the time then it's kind of worthless. In the same way, Brenden Morrow's positive impact is likely countered by his penalties that take him off the ice completely. Aggression is great, but only if it's controlled and dedicated towards winning the game. Guys like Komisarek and Morrow are BJ Upton; Dustin Brown is Ichiro.



*I expected the difference in aggression penalties to be a little more extreme, to be honest. It looks like amount of aggression penalties you take is proportional to the amount of other penalties you get. That might invalidate this whole thing, I don't know, but I spent the time looking this up so I'm throwing it out there. It's possible that guys like Brenden Morrow don't care about the number of penalties they take because they think the stuff they get away with makes up for it. Maybe?

Red Wings - Stars Part 2: some juicy storylines

Expect a more thorough breakdown of the D and O groups for both teams on Wednesday. For today I thought I'd just take a free-form approach to some of the more interesting subplots of a rivalry renewed.

1. How good are Ribeiro and Morrow, really?

The resounding rise of Ribeiro and Morrow is one of the most interesting stories of this year's postseason alongside Not Ready for Primetime Price, Malkin sort of upstaging Crosby and the unexpected explosion of Johan Franzen.

McRib silenced, or at least befuddled, many of his critics who remember him only for his shameful MENSA moment years ago in that surprisingly memorable series against Joe Thornton's Boston Bruins. After gathering a nice amount of momentum last season, Ribeiro put up a career-best season with 83 points in 76 games (not to mention a fantastic plus-21). He was so good, in fact, that he tied Marian Gaborik for 5th place in scoring among Western Conference forwards.

Naturally, the question was whether or not he could keep that going when the ice became clogged like Ken Hitchcock's post-cheese steak arteries. All but his greatest admirers doubted that he could maintain his level of play being that his previous playoff high in points was a measly 3.

To his credit, Ribeiro maintained his fantastic chemistry with Brenden Morrow. He is now tied for second place in playoff scoring with the likes of Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin! Ribeiro is flourishing thanks to the scoring depth provided by Brad Richards and the space Morrow creates with his gutsy style of play.

Ribeiro's playoff year reminds me of the year Eric Staal had during the Hurricanes' unlikely Stanley Cup run. Naturally, Staal didn't have quite the same baggage that Ribeiro does, but both players produced well beyond even the most optimistic projections. And like Staal, Ribeiro is doing even better when every goal and assist matters the most. But yet, if Ribeiro's team wins the Cup, he'll most likely be an honorable mention for the Smythe...

...because of the balls-to-the-wall, all over the ice play of their hearty Canadian captain. In this case, Morrow takes the place of Rod Brind'amour. With Ribeiro and Morrow clicking together at such a high level, Morrow produced the best year of his career, hitting a new high in points (74) while limiting his penalty minutes to an ideal-for-power-forward number of 105.

Statistically, the Morrow-Ribeiro line ranks as one of the best in the NHL at this moment in time but you never hear them spoken about in the hushed tones reserved for superstars. So, really, where on the NHL totem pole do they rank?

If they can keep producing against the likes of Nicklas Lidstrom and that fragile but talented Kronwall kid, then I think it would be about time that hockey pundits give sizzle (Ribeiro) and steak (Morrow) their hard-earned dap.

2. Mike Modano, checking center?

You'll rarely, if ever, hear hockey fanatics (outside of Dallas) refer to Modano as a hockey icon. But Modano is to the Stars what Mario Lemieux was to the Penguins and Steve Yzerman was to the Detroit Red Wings. My guess is that most people are jealous of his almost incomparably awesome life.

Still, if you need a reason to feel like life's not always been on a gravy road with biscuit wheels for Modano, I submit this bit of circumstantial evidence. Edit: After seeing the comments, I'd like to express to you the importance in watching the entire clip. Especially if you hate Mike Modano (thanks Anonymous poster)...

Mikey Mo certainly has taken his fair share of licks, as many Dallas fans/Calgary farmboys would say. I actually think the Yzerman-Modano parallel is quite apt, and not just because it will probably enrage zany, octopus chucking Wingheads.

Both guys are synonymous with their franchises. To this day, if you asked a random Dallas resident on the street what they think about when they hear Dallas Stars, most of them would probably say "Mike Modano." When you're with a team for as long as he has been (seriously, he was a Minnesota North Star...) you're going to have some lowlights to go along with the highlights, and it's been well publicized that Modano wasn't too pleased when they gave the C to Morrow.

Still, you'd be batshit crazy to criticize Modano if you're a Stars fan. Much like Yzerman, Modano eventually agreed to sacrifice offensive numbers and played a solid two-way game to lead his club to a hard fought Stanley Cup.

And much like Stevie Y, it's disgusting to imagine Modano in another uniform (which almost happened with Boston).

He still is one of the best skaters on one of the best skating teams in the NHL, which is an accomplishment in itself. Modano still shows his offensive prowess every now and then, but his main duty is harassing the Joe Thorntons of the world and he's done a more than admirable job.

If you're picking the greatest American hockey player of all time, is it Chris Chelios, Mike Richter, Jeremy Roenick, Brendan Shanahan or even Joe Mullen? Or could it be that the greatest talent ever developed by the old U-S-of-A might be the very guy who owns the all-time points record for a red, white and bluer? He at least needs to be on the USA Hockey Mount Rushmore (although some would probably argue that it would just feature Herb Brooks, Mike Eruzione and their big-screen dopplegangers)

3. Can Turco get yet another monkey off of his back?

4. Is this Johan Franzen character for real?

Before the days of the salary cap, the Red Wings were either the New York Yankees or Los Angeles Lakers of the NHL, depending on which teams you grew up hating the most. Along with the Avalanche and a handful of other teams, they'd always poach the Ray Bourques during the trade deadline and were the easy Goliath to root against.

Now that the Red Wings must play fair and stay under the cap, it's harder to hate them (though by no means impossible). But there's one element that still links them with the Yankees. There's a well worn cliche that players who were once lost causes somehow find a second life when they put on the pinstripes.

The beautiful "Original Six" jersey of the Red Wings often has the effect on players, as guys seem to come out of nowhere when they put on a jersey that seems equal parts elegant, Freudian and Russian.

While Franzen isn't a perfect example of that, he definitely seems to add another layer of validity to the hockey factory feel of the Red Wings. They always seem to find gems late in the draft - whether it's Henrik Zetterberg or Nicklas Lidstrom. Since the Red Wings series lacked substantial drama (although there was a brief bit of intrigue against the Predators), I haven't been able to catch the Wings that much in this year's playoffs. Still from what I've heard Franzen's hot streak started quite a while before the playoffs started, so he might simply be on fire.

This is bad news for the Stars, who will have their hands full with two absolute superstars in Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk.

5. Henrik Zetterberg looks like Jared Leto. And so does Ryan Miller

Am I right? Tell me I'm right...

That picture of Jared Leto (middle) was the worst I could find of the "Fight Club" actor/semi-decent lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars (searching for Danica Patrick and Willa Ford > Jared Leto). Well, uh...make that the...uh...almost worst photo I could find.

Good lord.

Speaking of Playoff Overtime...

Well wasn't that something last night? The seventh overtime period of the six-game series, grittily played from opening whistle until Brendan Morrow's final tally early on a Cinco morning. I got the following e-mail sent to me 10 days ago, but between my 'week off' and the zaniness of the Sharks-Stars series I've been waiting to post it, but I guess now it's as appropriate as it's ever going to be:

Earl--

My name is Jonathan Harris and I work at a human-powered search service called Mahalo.com.

I've been a big fan of The Battle of California for a few seasons now and appreciate the pro-Ducks coverage I can get there (I'm a die-hard Anaheim fan myself, and am still reeling from high expectations and disappointment.)

At any rate, one of my associates at Mahalo has recently completed a page celebrating the Best Hockey OT Winners in NHL history. We think this is a great page with original content and commentary and we're trying to get it featured on as many hockey/sports related blogs as we can. I thought you might like to see it, considering your love of the game and penchant for slightly off-beat hockey content off your own (I particularly like your recent cartoon of the Sharks and Flames begging each other to score first).

Take a look at the page when you get a chance. Let us know what we're missing and how we can improve the result!

Jonathan

Nothing gets my attention like a little flattery. So, if you're inclined, take a look at their collection of OT winners and offer your suggestions, either here or on their comments section. The plug e-mail also got me thinking, though, 'What was my favorite OT winner in Anaheim's playoff history?' It's not that easy a question, I think, because it should consider:

a) The prettiness or grittiness of the goal
b) The game up to that point (were goalies unbeatable to that point?)
c) The importance of the game and perhaps what followed
d) The game-winning hero

Based on that criteria, I am leaning towards Steve Rucchin's overtime winner in G4 of the first round of the 2003 playoffs, the goal that completed the sweep of the defending champion Detroit Red Wings. It wasn't the prettiest of goals, but it was the only time I ever saw defenseman Keith Carney carry the puck behind the opponent's net, and Rucchin was as appropriate a hero as Anaheim had on that squad. It was a huge statement goal, one that vanquished the Red Wings curse that had swept Anaheim in both previous playoff appearances, and helped propel the upstart Ducks all the way to the seventh game of the cup finals.

Still, I am open to suggestions on this one, so let me open it up to the comments: For any team, what was your favorite OT winner in your team's playoff history? Who was the hero, and why was it so special?

(Side note: Incidentally, today is the 5-year anniversary of the G6 when Anaheim ousted the Dallas Stars in 2003. I remember the date specifically, because a fan sitting next to me at that game had put together one of the more memorable signs I saw that playoffs: "It's Cinco de Mayo--Time to Sink DiMaio!" Rob DiMaio was just a bit player for Dallas, of course, but I've always been a sucker for stubborn puns.)

San Jose vs Dallas Game 2 photos

Here are a few photos from the Dallas Stars 5-2 win over San Jose in game 2. There are a few more photos and notes here.

Game 4: the first DVR-enhanced recap

I meant to post my thoughts last night, but was unable. Here's a grand assortment of what I wrote in my crusty little notebook while zooming through the Stars-Ducks Game 4:

• Todd Bertuzzi either needs to retire or go to Sweden, because he's a waste of life. I remember someone hit an outlet pass to Bertuzzi to set up a 2 on 1. Normally, I'm about to pass out when a team has a 2 on 1. But since it was Bertuzzi, it was easy as a Sunday morning.

Naturally, the play resulted in a flimsy, useless shot.

• Razor Reaugh was in playoff form on the mic in Game 4. There were many gems from the verbose one, but there were two moments that were particularly special:

When Stu Barnes fed Steve Ott for the Stars' third goal, Reaugh said "the architect to the plunderer." And when Chris Pronger was predictably receiving jeers from Stars fans, he said such a sound "might as well be on his iPod." Good stuff.

• Was the Ducks' team meal at Pei Wei or something? Sluggish city.

• Honestly, something seemed wrong with Scott Niedermayer too. I'd say he should retire, but I'll never get tired of watching Lightningbeard skate. His skating style reminds me of those chocolate bar commercials when they drizzle the chocolate onto nougat.

If that's not a compliment I don't know what is.

• Doug Weight was completely invisible. If no one else, Dead Weight needs to hang 'em up.

• If the Stars pull off an amazing Cup run, Brendan Morrow is the odds-on favorite to win the Conn Smythe. He's been a beast.

• It's always uncomfortable to watch a go-nowhere powerplay. You know the ones I'm talking about: when your team cannot even get the friggin' puck past the blue line. Those always flash me back to those awkward moments in high school when the teacher asks the class a question ... and not a single person raises a hand. Bad times.

• Special teams made the difference in this series. The Stars scored four powerplay goals in Game 1; two in Game 2; two in Game 3 and none in Game 4. The Stars scored more than half of their goals (8 of 14) on the man advantage.
  

• To give the Brad Richards trade a fair chance, you simply have to look past his $7.8 million contract. He'll never live up to that, but he does give the Stars an added dimension of creativity. Now the Stars need to give him a solid winger in free agency, because it's clear that his current line mates struggle to finish the great chances he sets up.

• Marty Turco posted a spiritual shutout, garbage goal be damned.

• I thought that if the Stars won this series, they would need to prove a lot. I never thought the Ducks would barely show up. I guess gooning it up takes a lot out of you these days...But we'll see if they have one last gasp of energy. The Stars have to treat the Ducks like a horror movie villain: keep killing them until they stop moving.
  

Stinky-nacho face wash

I managed to hop in my car at the perfect time twice today, catching some very entertaining interviews with Brendan Morrow then Mike Modano on Dallas's irreverent sports radio station The Ticket.

The best interview goes to the Stars' (relatively) new captain, who discussed among other things marrying a teammate's sister (note: not in a seedy, Martin Brodeur kind of way) and the ancient art of face-washing.* I can't quote his statements precisely, but he said that the key was having gloves that are six (though it sounded like he said sixty) years old so they "smell nasty, like old nachos."

Morrow went on to mention that although Steve Ott probably should be the franchise's elite facewasher, "he's small so he probably doesn't sweat a lot." Apparently, according to Morrow, Jeff Halpern has the nastiest gloves, yet sadly he doesn't use them in a face-washing capacity. (Perhaps Ott and Halpern should trade mitts?)

Judging from that brief but hilarious interview, Morrow could have a future on NHL TV.

Naturally, though, I'm sure an NBC studio show would love to have the Ticket's other guest Mike Modano before just about any other hockey player. Modano was pretty entertaining in his own right, as the Ticket guys did what any knowledgeable Stars journalists must do and mocked Brett Hull's former title of Ambassador of Fun ("Ambassador of Nothing," Modano joked).

Modano ribbed Hull pretty mercilessly, saying he "thinks he's not from Canada" because he got "cut" from the national team. He went on to accuse Hull of skirting co-GM responsibilities to see Led Zeppelin in London and take a two-week trip to Hawaii.

The interview finished with some Willa Ford-related hilarity. When asked what Modano would do if Ford demanded a baby, he replied: "I'd tell her to get ready."

When pushed for more details he said, "I'd guess I'd have her assume the position."

The Stars might have ruffled a few feathers when they gave Modano's C to Morrow, but let it be known that both captains can rock a microphone. Since Modano was adamant about not playing the role of a coach or any all-day hockey job in the future, may he be a natural studio host?

My current NHL studio show dream team: Bucci, Barry Melrose, Marc Crawford and Mike Modano.

C'mon. You know that would be awesome.

* - They most likely asked him this question because of a recent New York Times article, which Eric McErlain mentioned at FanHouse.

Some of the best (or worst) commercial cameos with sport stars

In case you haven't been trolling the hockey blogosphere, the unintentionally hilarious performances of Colby Armstrong, Maxim Talbot, Sergei Gonchar and Evgeni Malkin have generated a lot of harsh criticisms from some of the most respected hockey bloggers. If you haven't seen it you owe it to yourself to watch it (I think I watched it about 7 times in a row out of amazement). Another big find by the unbeatable James Mirtle.

But I have to say, Eric McErlain was being a little unfair to the Pens. After all, DC is home to perhaps the most absurdly entertaining local ad campaigns I've ever seen in the form of the Eastern Motors commercials. Behold:

I thought I'd also include Troy Aikman's Wing Stop commercials since I've probably made 2-3 jokes about it on this blog. And hopefully to make anyone who's reading this around lunch uncomfortably hungry. You're welcome.

(Now THAT'S how you nail a local spot. Be the only person in the ad who isn't cripplingly corny. Only "considerably corny" by my count)

Anyway, I'd love people to link some of the funniest BoC area spots they've seen. Since this should be about the Stars I'll concede this half decent Brendan Morrow commercial from the Dallas Stars All-Star voting promos which also included Sergei Zubov making a stilted Office Space reference:

(Note to self: in order to complete my evil plan of becoming Stars co-GM, I must rise to the position of Ambassador of Fun. Screw all that Assistant GM/law school nonsense!)