Kings Gameday: Arr?

Los Angeles Kings (3-5-1) vs. Calgary Cammalleris (6-3-1)

7:00 PST, Fox Sports West

This are the lines for tonight's game:

Moulson-Kopitar-Brown
Frolov-Moller(?)-Calder
O'Sullivan-Handzus-Simmonds
Stoll(???)-Boyle-Ivanans


Me and Mutton (the name I gave the dog in the picture) are confused. It was just the game prior that the Kings reunited Patrick O'Sullivan with Anze Kopitar and now the lines have been changed again. Basically the Kings have replaced Alexander Frolov with Patrick O'Sullivan on the stopper line (don't know why), moved Moller to center (don't know why), and moved Stoll from 2nd line center to 4th line winger (haven't a clue). Weird. That 2nd line looks pretty terrible, so hopefully they're not playing big minutes. Should be an interesting game to watch. What would I like to see?

Moulson-Kopitar-Brown
Frolov-Handzus-Moller
O'Sullivan-Stoll-Purcell
Richardson-Boyle-Armstrong

***

The Kings' biggest problem this season has been their 3rd defensive pairing. Tom Preissing and Peter Harrold are the Kings' best options for that position but they play pretty much the same game. Denis Gauthier brings a physical element but that's about it and he's been killing the team with his defensive play. The Kings need to look into bringing someone up for Gauthier, I reckon. (Reckon?)

***

Mike Cammalleri is 2nd on the Flames with 11 points in 10 games. He's a fast starter and will probably cool off a little bit, but good for him so far. Todd Bertuzzi is tied for the team lead in goals with 6. He can go fuck himself.


Prediction: Kings win, 5-4 (so). Every goal by Kyle Calder, who then comes to my house and beats me up. Can't say I blame him.

BoC Gameday: I Just Want a Goal

Los Angeles Kings (2 gutsy losses) vs. Anaheim Ducks (2 embarrassing defeats)

7:30 PST, FSN West

The Kings' 2 games against the Sharks illustrated the importance of the last change in hockey. In the game at San Jose, the Sharks matched up the Thornton line against the Kopitar line while Mike Grier skated against Alex Frolov. The result? 13 shots on goal for the Kings. Kopitar and Brown couldn't do anything with the puck because Thornton never let them have it. It was extremely frustrating to watch your top line go out there and then flail around like a little nerd trying to get his backpack back from 2 bullies.



The 2nd game was in Los Angeles and the Kings looked a lot better. Kopitar's line was able to skate against Jonathan Cheechoo's line most of the time while Michal Handzus was able to skate against Joe Thornton.* The Kings were able to shut down the Sharks, for the most part, and generally looked competitive. They still couldn't score (legally, anyway) but they didn't look that bad.

*Matt Greene is kind of built to slow down Joe Thornton isn't he? He's big and mean and he's not very fast, but neither is Joe so it's not that big of a detriment. He's going to get destroyed by guys like Gaborik and Kane but he's good against guys like Thornton.

***

The Kings skated Matt Greene with Denis Gauthier after Jack Johnson got hurt in the last game, while Doughty and O'Donnell skated together. Drew Doughty ended up leading all defensemen in ice time last game, which is both awesome and terrifying at the same time. He looked much better the last game, but I worry about him tonight against that Anaheim forecheck.

***

In the Saturday game the Kings skated Kyle Calder and Brad Richardson, while in the Sunday game they skated Brian Boyle and Patrick O'Sullivan. O'Sullivan was the best forward on the ice for the Kings in my opinion and seems like he's ready to go. I liked Boyle more than Richardson because Boyle is big, but I like Richardson more than Simmonds. I think Simmonds and Moller could both use more time in the minor leagues.

***

I would try to guess what the Kings' blueline is going to look like tonight, but it doesn't really matter; we're just fucked. All I want tonight is a goal. I missed Frolov's goal because I was en route to a buddy's house to watch the game and they had both goals called back on Sunday. I just want to shout, "Yeah!" and then look around awkwardly while my roommates tell me to get a life once, okay?

Yeah, this? Didn't see this.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-3. Goals by Kopitar, Handzus, Moller and Gauthier. Brian Boyle and Raitis Ivanans get their first fights in.


Edit: Matt Stairs, after his game-winning home run:

"You want to get that one big hit where you feel like you're part of the team,'' Stairs said. "Not that I don't feel like I'm part of the team, by no means, but when you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys, it's no better feeling than to have that done.''

OT: Go Dodgers

Russell Martin's Canadian, so this counts as appropriate for this blog. The Angels can go fuck themselves.

What Now? Part 3

As related in the last 2 segments, the Kings aren't going to be very good next year. They're going to score a lot and give up a lot and will most likely finish 5th in the conference again. With that knowledge, one might wonder how the Kings are going to possibly attract any fans. Last year, the Kings had the tagline, "We Play for LA," which I did not like. The Kings focused on Anze Kopitar, Dustin Brown and Jack Johnson near the end of last year, which I imagine they'll continue doing. Still, they'll need a little more to appeal to the LA consumer, an incredibly fickle lot. Since I'm smart and incredibly good looking, I thought I'd help out the Kings and come up with a few slogans for them. Granted, my only marketing knowledge comes from that 30 seconds of Mad Men I caught once, but I think that's more than enough. Feel free to come up with your own ideas in the comments.


"LA Kings- Young, Dumb, and Full of Cum." Hey, c'mon, they are.

Take it off!

"We're adorable!" I'm not going to lie, the Kings have a good looking team. Frolov has that smitten look on his face all the time, Jack Johnson's got a "come hither" smile, Jarret Stoll has a Harry Osborne quality about him, and Dustin Brown... well, he just has a big dick. And the new guys are also adorable. Look at Brian Boyle, he looks like Joe Millionaire! And I want to adopt Ted Purcell. I say the Kings try to tap into that cougar market. Make a calendar, give Kopitar a puppy to hold, and the Kings are golden. Sure, they're going to get scolded when they get into a fight, but Sean Avery isn't going to start shit if he knows he's going to pelted with pocket books on his way to the bus.

(Do women carry pocket books or am I just 90 years old?)

STOP STRIKING OUT, ASSHOLE!

"We don't have Andruw Jones." There's a lot of Dodger fans out there, and most of them are just as disgruntled as myself. Why not try to lure them over by pointing out the advantages of being a Kings fan; namely that you don't have to watch some fat asshole flail around 4 or 5 times a game like you do when you watch the Dodgers. Goddammit.

"We're the Lakers." This suggestion is a little out there, but I think the Kings should change their name to the Lakers. I figure at least a few people will get confused as to which Lakers team is playing and will accidentally show up to a hockey game. Hopefully they'll just decide to stay and watch the game. Hey, it could work.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

"ThE KiNgS r SiCk BrO!" There are a lot of douche bags in Los Angeles, as any native knows, and the Kings should exploit that. They could advertise in LA Weekly, give discounts to people that wear American Apparel, have Fall Out Boy play the national anthem, stuff like that. I couldn't go to the games anymore because 1) I wouldn't be able to see because jackasses would be standing and waving at the jumbotron the entire time and 2) I'd kill someone, but that's okay, I don't go to many games anyway. If every douche bag in LA went to just one game, the Kings would dominate attendance numbers.


"It's hockey." That's really all I need.

We're Talkin' Baseball

This is usually how my year goes:

October-November:  Hey, the Kings are pretty good, maybe they'll make the playoffs this year!

December-January:  Dear God, they'll never win again.

February:  Man, this sucks, I hate hockey.  

March:  Lousy Kings.  Wait, what's that?  Hey, baseball's almost here!

April:  Wow, the Dodgers look unbeatable right now.

May-June:  Hey, it's alright, everyone slumps every once in a while, they'll go on a run soon.

July:  Woohoo!  NHL Draft!  Oh, and the Dodgers are kicking ass too.  I smell playoffs!

August:  Goddammit.

September:  Well, they're terrible... wait, hockey's almost here!

The two seasons dovetail nicely into one another, allowing me to get my soul crushed twice in 1 year.  This year will be different, though.  For you see, the Dodgers actually look good this year.  I swear!  The best part is, they're doing it the same way the Kings are doing it: with good young talent.  Of course, since it's baseball they can also outspend everyone else in their division by double, but let's not focus on that.

"But wait, I hate watching baseball."  That's the beauty of baseball; you don't really have to watch it!  Have it on in the background while you're washing dishes, doing your laundry, 'bating, whatever.  I've been seriously following the Dodgers for 4 years now and I've watched a handful of games from beginning to end.  No offense to people who like baseball, but it's boring as hell and only pussies populate the sport.  ("Oh, I broke my nail.  I'm out for 2 weeks!")  Baseball's about numbers, people, and you can always just check the boxscores to see what's up.

Still not convinced?  Here's a little comparison of the Dodgers and Kings youngsters to help you cheer for your new favorite team.  Just pick your favorite King and transpose them for a Dodger and voila, you're all set!

Anze Kopitar becomes Russell Martin

Both are young but already lead their team.  Both come from unique places for their sport (Martin from Canada, Kopitar from Slovenia).  Both made their first All-Star team last season.  I have uncomfortable feelings about both of them that I can't fight no matter how hard I try.

Dustin Brown becomes Matt Kemp

Both Brown and Kemp are 23 and have seemingly unlimited potential.  Brown leads the Kings in goals this season, while Kemp is a solid bet to be among the league leaders in home runs.  Whether it's a devastating check or a laser beam to home plate, both can do amazing things.  The only problem with both is their relative inexperience and their need to work on the little parts of the game (defensive awareness, baserunning).

Patrick O'Sullivan become James Loney

O'Sullivan was a late bloomer among Kings prospects, not really securing a job on the team until the age of 23.  He busted out this season and has all the natural talent to score 40 goals a season.  He learned that talent wasn't enough, however, and worked on his defensive game to become one of the better defensive forwards on the team.  While he does still have his deficiencies (his shot needs to get more accurate), he seems to be a cornerstone on this team for a few years to come.

Loney was a late bloomer among Dodger prospects, not really securing a job on the team until the age of 24.  He busted out last season and has all the natural talent to drive in 100 RBIs a season.  He learned that talent wasn't enough, however, and worked on his defensive game to become one of the better defensive first basemen in the league.  While he does still have his deficiencies (he still needs to develop more power), he seems to be a cornerstone on this team for a few years to come, or until the Dodgers sign Mark Teixiera in the off-season.

Jack Johnson becomes Chad Billingsley

Both Johnson and Billingsley were well-hyped coming into the big leagues but struggled a little bit while adjusting to the pace of the game.  Both soon realized that they couldn't get along on natural ability and began to learn the nuances of the game.  Billingsley is older (think of him as being 2 seasons ahead of Johnson), so he's pretty much ready to become one of the best starters in the NL West, but look for Johnson to join him sooner rather than later.  (Umm, as a great player, not one of the best starters in the NL West.  You know what I mean.)

Jonathan Bernier becomes Clayton Kershaw

Both Bernier and Kershaw play the most important position in the game (goaltender and pitcher) and both can completely dominate their fellow 19 year-olds.  Fans clamor for them to join the big team but management eschews in the way of caution, for fear of hindering their development.  Kershaw has developed a nickname of "Minotaur" because he is a mythical beast that can not be spoken of for fear that something might go wrong.  Bernier, likewise, is referred to as "Cerberus," but that's really only by me.  People ask who the hell that is and I explain that it's the dog that guarded Hades and isn't that clever since both Bernier and Cerberus guard something?  Then I wake up in a dumpster and my wallet's missing.

So there you go!  Now you're all set to root for you favorite player, but there's still one important part missing: trash talk!  Yes, you too can chide the Giants fan at work without resorting to last season's Barry Bonds jokes.  Here's a quick cheat sheet to keep them straight:

San Diego Padres- Fans hate LA, although LA fans don't give a fuck about them.  Use this against them. Also, their park is giant and nobody hits home runs there.

Sample Trash Talk- "Wait, we're playing you guys?  Oh good, that'll give us a break from all these intense division battles with the Giants.  They're our real rival, you know."

San Francisco Giants- Traditional rival from back when both teams were in New York.  They've been good recently but they are going to be biblically awful on offense this season.

Sample Trash Talk- "Hey, there's something wrong with this scorecard, it says you guys have Benji Molina batting clean-up.  Wait... hahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Colorado Rockies- Last season's NL Champs thanks to a miracle run, their fans are extremely confident this season because they don't realize miracles are a one-time thing.  Also, they have a ridiculous offense but they're relying on 2 rookies to prevent their rotation from being a smorgasbord of shit.

Sample Trash Talk- There are 2 choices: comparing Todd Helton to Bluto (from Popeye), or comparing Matt Holliday to the bad guy from Mallrats.  Let your creativity be your guide.

Arizona Diamondbacks- Last year's division winner, they're the Dodgers' competition for the next few years.  They do everything right, from playing their kids to trading for good young pitchers.  They look good.

Sample Trash Talk- I don't know, tell them the snake on their jersey looks gay or something.

So there you go, people, you are now officially Dodger fans.  I guess you could always cheer for that other team, the one that came after the team in LA and was a laughingstock for years before they got a new owner and suddenly won a World Championship.  You know, the Angels.  But why would anyone want to do that?

Dodger Blogs-  Dodgerthoughts, TrueBlueLA, 6-4-2 (for both Angels and Dodgers info)

Blimey.

Hey, nice save Labar... oh wait, dammit.

The Kings and the Ducks apparently didn’t like the parts they were playing in game 1 and decided to switch scripts in game 2. The Ducks just dominated down low and in the corners of game 2, pretty much doing whatever they wanted against the Jack Johnson-Jaroslav Modry line. They made a conscious decision to get after Lubomir Visnovsky every time he had the puck, and I think it rattled him a little bit. They also decided to get inside Anze Kopitar’s jersey, which made it very difficult for him to get anything going. Labarbera didn't play that bad but he was left out to dry 3 times. (The last goal was just him being a big slow idiot.)

The only thing that was good about the game was Cammalleri’s goal (which puts him on pace for 123 this season) and Scott Thornton beating up George Parros. Overall, the Ducks adjusted, while the Kings did not. That’s okay, it’s only 1 game. I hope they don’t play like that again, though, because they’re not good enough that they can afford to play less than their best and still win.

(My favorite moment? When the announcers finished up their pre-game spiel and sent it back to the studio, the play-by-play guy said, "Like they say in England, 'Tally Ho!' (Awkward pause.) Do they say that?")

So now the Kings (and me) have a little time off until they play Saturday night. They have to get rid of one more player (I’m thinking Zeiler) to trim the roster down to 23. They may send Willsie down since he didn't play either game in London, but I think it’d just be easier to send down Zeiler since he won’t have to clear waivers. Enjoy the time off folks; it’s going to be an emotionally draining season.

(Oh, and Earl thinks he's so great for being on the radio, but I once talked to Jimmy Fox. He said, "Get the hell away from me!" That Jimmy, always kidding.)

***

Also, this is apropos of nothing, but according to Jon Heyman of SI.com, the Dodgers are interested in hiring Dusty Baker. In case you don’t follow baseball, this is the equivalent of the Penguins hiring Mike Keenan. The Dodgers are filled with young talent and Dusty Baker is notorious for being terrible with rookies. See you later, Chad Billingsley; enjoy your torn labrum.

Kings Sign J.S. Aubin, Rudy Shrugs

Meh.

He sucks. I’m not sure if this is that big a deal, other than for those Manchester Monarch fans out there. It may be an indication that Cloutier isn’t feeling too great, but it’s more likely that Dean Lombardi doesn’t want to get burned by a lack of goaltender depth like he did last year. At least we won’t have a goaltender with zero NHL experience backing up if either Labarbera or Cloutier get hurt. If this ends up becoming a big deal during the season, I'll probably be pretty pissed. I imagine the only time you'll hear about him is if Earl writes an article about Giguere and then picks the wrong tag.

***

The Kings also signed defenseman Drew Bagnall a couple of days ago. Bagnall was a Hobey Baker finalist last year with St. Lawrence last year. I like this because it’s not that big of a risk if he turns out to be a bust. Only good can come from this signing. Meanwhile, the Dodgers refuse to sign pitcher Kyle Blair in the draft over $400,000 and then give contracts to guys like David Wells and Shea Hillenbrand. One out of two ain’t bad.

Kings Gameday: I Figured it Out...

Los Angeles Kings (Better than Phoenix!) vs. Columbus Blue Jackets (28-36-7, 12^th in West)

7:30 PST, FSN West

As I was watching Long Beach State's basketball team get pasted by Tennessee today, I had a startling realization: I’m cursed. I have never been a fan of a team that won a championship in any sport. Long Beach State was once a national powerhouse in baseball until I started cheering for them; since then, there has been no mention of them on a national scale unless it’s attached to Jered Weaver (and I’m not exactly proud that I went to the same school as that guy; I mean, look at his hair!). The Kings, obviously, have been terrible ever since I started following them in the ’92-’93 season. My ex-girlfriend once asked me my favorite Kings moment and I told her about the time that the Kings came back and beat the Red Wings after being down 3-0 in the 2001 playoffs. She stared at me and then said, “You mean I have to put up with all of this [“this” being me making her watch games and then making her put up with my sour mood when the Kings lost] and a first-round playoff win is the best you can do?” She sucked, but the point is that the Kings haven’t had many good memories since I came around. The Dodgers have one playoff win since 1988 and recently gave a $50 million dollar contract to a guy (Juan Pierre) whose best attribute is his fondness for stirrups.

That's my bad, guys.

“But Rudy,” the voice in my head says, “what about the Lakers and the USC football team?” It's true that they've won recently, but I only started liking the Lakers after Shaquille O’Neal (the world’s biggest leprechaun) left. I started liking USC in 2005, when they got embarrassed by Vince Young. Even though these teams have won championships, it was only because I wasn’t there to suck the life out of them.

If you’re a fan of any of the above teams, I’m sorry. It’s my fault that they’ve sucked, but I can’t stop following them. I'm compulsively obsessed with sports, and I naturally feel a connection with certain teams. Asking me to cut out one of these teams (especially the Kings) is like asking Jonathan Cheechoo to stop eating moose, or asking Rob Neidermayer to not have a misshapen head.

I mock the Kings a lot, but I honestly think that they’re headed in the right direction despite having me as a fan; I just hope I’m still alive when they actually get to raise a Stanley Cup banner to the rafters. With my luck, the banner will probably fall and I’ll be crushed underneath. Truthfully, though, I can’t think of a better way to go.

Prediction: They’ll be up by two and then end up losing in overtime because I started watching the game. Sorry.