The 5 Ways I'd Change the NHL

As you know, everybody and their mom has been invited to write a lazy post postulating 5 ways they'd change the NHL over at Puck Daddy. Everybody except me. (Whatever, Wyshynski, Bon Jovi sucks. There, I said it.) Still, not being invited to something has never stopped me before (e.g., the prom, my parent's 40th wedding anniversary), so I made my own list. These are my 5 ways I'd change the NHL.
1. Institute the shootout in the playoffs. God, is anything more boring than overtime in the playoffs? I stayed up late watching that interminable Stars-Sharks game 6 and I almost missed my seaweed wrap the next day. Luckily Gunther didn't have an appointment the next hour, but I was so distressed I couldn't properly enjoy it. I guess more hockey is good, but only to a point. Put the shootout in the playoffs and let us all get a good night's sleep.


2. Put a cap on the number of Canadian players. Canadians like to say that hockey is their game, but the reality is that over half the revenue in the league comes from the United States. American viewers won't watch a game if there's not Americans in it, so let's cap the number of Canadians at, say, 30% and fill that void with good, honest, hard-working Americans. Don't worry about those Canadians losing their jobs, though; from what I understand, they have a great welfare system going on.

3. Make every game an outdoor game. We all saw the Outdoor Classic and thought it was awesome; why not have that atmosphere every game? Make every NHL game an outdoor game and the media will pick up on it, the 30% of Canadian players will feel like they're back at home, and sponsors will love it. People sometimes complain that the NHL doesn't get enough attendance, so putting the league in larger venues means they'll get more people, right? I see no reason this wouldn't work.

In a similar vein, I'd put the Super Bowl on every week.

4. Erase Winnipeg and Quebec City. I mean literally erase them with a nuclear strike. Hey, it's a little radical, but I figure if Roger Goodell can suspend NFL players that have never been convicted of a crime then I can commit a little mass destruction. Erasing Winnipeg and Quebec City means that I don't have to put up with the insane pleas of desperate fans who don't realize that the NHL isn't going to move into an arena with a maximum capacity of 16,000. That way we can give new franchises to cities that really deserve it: cities like Las Vegas, Houston, and Mexico City.

Umm, if he were gay then he wouldn't be married.

5. Shut down the pensblog. I'm sorry but I just don't get it.

Letter From a Coyotes Fan

SOS

its so hot

send water

and maybe sunscreen

SPF 15 is recommended

hey look a jack rabbit

please help m

Letter from a Stars fan

Dallas! Stars!

Dallas!

Stars!

(Air guitars to Pantera's Stars theme song)

Howdy there hockey fans. With all these Cal-ee-forn-ee queers throwin' their two bits in this there here blogger thang I was fixin' to spit the damn bit! I reckon it's time for me to list the reasons why us Stars fans are the best god damn ice hockey fans in the world!

For one thang, we've been around longer than any of those stupid Cal-ee-forn-ee teams 'cept I guess those Los Angle-ess Queens. They started that dumb ass team in '88 with Dwayne Gretzky, right?

Second thang, the Stars gave those treehuggin' pinko California teams a good old fashioned ass-whuppin' in the playoffs this year. And why not? We got the best team with the most talent.

Mike Modano skates like a god damn rooster in a chicken coup, unlike Billy Joe Thornton or whateverthefuck his name is. Then we got Brenden Morrow. He kicks way more ass than that Teamo Salami guy.

Too bad Tony Romo don't got half the heart of Brenden Morrow – if them Cowboys just learn from the Stars and think with they dicks AFTER the season we'd win a god damn SuperBowl.

Shit, look at our goalie, fuckers. We got Ed Belfour. That drunken sumbitch is a better goalie than any of those LA Queens goalies … and he's usually seein' four pucks by the dadgum third period.

Really, I reckon my only problem with them Stars is that they got so many dadgum people from other countries. Shit, Hull, gimme more last names I can understand! Jokinen – Niskanen – fuckin' hokeypokinen.

Awww shit, son, you got me so worked up I lost track of time and 'ah burned my god damn steak! Oh, welp, I guess I better go.

Go Cowboys!

Regards,

Willie Ray Hunter

Letter From a Kings Fan

Hola! Soy Julio Díaz y he sido un fan desde los Kings'89, también conocido como el año en que obtuvo 99. No es fácil ser un fan de los Kings, sino que hacemos lo que podemos. Kings' fans son los mayores estadistas en California y constantemente tienen que soportar molestos con patos' fans y pretencioso Sharks' fans. Tengo entradas para Diehard Kings juegos y por lo general tienen un buen tiempo a los juegos… por lo menos, cuando yo puedo recordar. Nada me da más placer que golpear a otros equipos y su fanbases cada vez que tratan de entrar en Staples Center.Mi jugador favorito en este equipo es, sin duda, Anze Kopitar. Él me recuerda un montón de Dmitri Kristich, excepto Kopitar es realmente buena. También tengo mi vieja escuela Steve Duchesne jersey y, por supuesto, un jersey Deadmarsh. Deader! Cuando no estoy en desplazamiento letsgokings.com o golpear a los hippies Normalmente estoy viendo mi'92-93 recapitulación de vídeo. Es bastante bien desgastado, pero aún el amor. Acabo de detenerlo cuando hay 5 minutos y luego golpearon a mi Patrick Roy muñeca por un tiempo corto.

Los Kings no son buenos ahora, pero estoy bastante seguro de las cosas recogerá muy pronto. Tengo fe en Luc Robitaille y estoy seguro de que el comercio Patrick O'Sullivan (nunca fue a los playoffs) y una 2 ª impresionante para alguien como Jay Buowmeester. Hágalo, Deano! Aparte de eso, voy a ser feliz a sabiendas de que los reyes no llevan gay culo de color cerceta o naranja al igual que los otros equipos. Estamos desgaste púrpura y varonil que es como el infierno.

Bien, tengo que llegar a mi turno, así que mejor parar aquí. Estoy bastante convencido de los Reyes harán los playoffs esta temporada porque no tenemos que fuck Rob Blake y ya deshacerse de Marc Crawford, que probablemente nos cuestan 10 victorias la temporada pasada. Si no, voy a romper Dean Lombardi las piernas.

VAMANOS KINGS!

Julio Díaz

Letter From a Sharks Fan

Greetings, fellow hockey fans! I'm John Tanabe and I'm one of the bigger San Jose Sharks fans you'll find 'round these parts. Some people might be surprised that the Sharks have such a knowledgeable and sizable following, but actually we have one of the best fanbases in the league. Have you seen it? You should, it's true. I swear. Anyway, the Sharks have had a little trouble getting over the hump in their long and storied history, but we're sure to win the championship this season. I'd be willing to bet my '89 bottle of cab franc on it, and it's quite expensive!

I've been a season ticket holder since all the way back in '96, except for a few years at the turn of the century when I had a little cash flow problem thanks to the bubble burst. (I honestly thought pets.com was going to last forever.) They do a great job making you welcome at the "Shark Tank": free wifi, special parking for my Prius, and the tofu! Oh god, the tofu! It really is a modern paradise. The fans really do a great job of making the place great, too; did you know that the Sharks have some of the best fans in the NHL? It's true. One Toronto fan told me, "You guys are just like Canadiens fans," which I'm pretty sure he meant as a compliment. Look at how well-received Brian Campbell was when he came here for the stretch run! It was great and was in no way pathetic at all.

Trying to pick a favorite player of mine is obviously difficult because the Sharks have so many great ones. My first love was actually Owen Nolan, especially when he pointed before his shot against Dominik Hasek in the All-Star Game. (Did you know that was in San Jose? We did a great job setting that up.) Today my favorite player is definitely Evgeni Nabokov. I can't believe he didn't win the Vezina this year, he totally got jobbed! I mean, I know Brodeur had a better save percentage and the Sharks had the 2nd fewest shots allowed in the league, but, uh, Nabokov should have won anyway. You see, they allow good shots, but they don't allow bad... if you'll see this chart... boy, this wine sure is good.

Alright, I'd better get going, I have to fix a bug in our system before my ignorant boss throws a fit. (He's a Ducks fan.) I'm glad I was able to inform you about how much you're missing by not being a Sharks fan. I have to go to meet a couple compatriots of mine for a hockey game (we're testing out NHL '09) so I'll catch you guys later. Look for me: I'll be the guy looking down on you from the top of the standings. Haha, zinger!

Cheers,

John Tanabe

Letter From a Ducks Fan

Hey guys! My name is Jacquie and I am, like, the biggest Anaheim Ducks fan ever! I know you are too, and it's pretty much the bestest thing ever. I've been a Ducks fan since all the way back in 2005, which I think is when this league they play in was found. My dad's company has tickets and I try to go to as many games as I can. Me and my friends Aubrey, Audrienne, and Crystyna go to almost every game and we always have such a blast trying to get on the jumbo-thing. I love everything about hockey, from the hot guys to the little kids skating in between innings to the free drinks I get from old guys. It's sooooo awesome!


My favorite player is definitely Ryan Getzlaf. Have you seen his cheekbones? He's sooo cute! I also like George Parros (he looks like my older brother!) and of course Teemu Selanne. I definitely assume hes one of the best guys in NHL history, right? Waaaayyyy better than that jerk, Paul Kariya. I don't know who that is, but my boyfriend said he's bad. My dad loves some guy named Pahlsson, but he doesn't even score! Don't you love my haircut?


What's up with other fans being jerks all the time? Every time a Candadian team comes along, people are all mean and say we dont know anything about hockey, but that's totally not true. They're all like, "Sit down you stupid bitch, you can't take pictures during the middle of a game!" and I'm all like, "Whatevs!" I mean, if we didn't know anything about hockey, why would we have a team? I'm pretty sure that means I'm smart.


Okay, I have to get going to an Angels game, and then I'm going to Coldstone and then maybe head over to Mackenzie's, but I might just go to my boyfriend's instead, I haven't decided. Thanks for taking time to read, I know how hard it is. I think the Ducks are definitely going to win the championship this year, thanks to my future boyfriend Ryan Getzlaf and that one big guy with the pads in the net thingy. If you make it out to a game, look for me: I'll be the one looking adorable! Byeeeee!!

XOXOXO,

Jacquie

Special Guest Post: Marcel Goc

As most of you are aware, Marcel Goc writes for the San Jose Sharks website. His blog is, in a word, amazing. My pal Megalodon was able to convince Marcel to write a special post for you people here at Battle of California. Ladies and gentlemen, Marcel Goc.


Hello again and welcome to my blog. My name is Marcel. I hope you enjoy it.

I have been in Germany for the summer. It is nice to be home. California has nice weather but every day is the same. In Germany we have seasons, which I miss sometimes. But sunshine is nice too.

Many changes have happened for the team in the past few weeks! I haven't been paying much attention, but my good friend Christian Ehrhoff told me that he has re-signed with the team for three years. That is good. He is also from Germany, which is where I am from too.


I have been playing a lot of chess. I can usually beat my grandfather most of the time. He has a weak brain. He is 96.

My agent handles all the business stuff for me. He told me that we are going to do something called "arbitration." He said that means I will get more money. I do not really care. As long as I have hockey, chess, and SOCOM, I am fine. I would like to get into the lineup more though. I am a good player. I am definitely better than Jody Shelley, who has a name like a woman. He has a weak brain.

In Germany every July we have a big summer festival. It is kind of like July 4th in America, but instead of fireworks we throw stones in the air. When someone gets hit with a stone it is a sign of good luck for the year. It is lots of fun, especially for the children.


I am confused about one thing. When I look at the Sharks website roster, my name is not there. Did my name get taken off because of this "arbitration"? That makes me sad.

Well, I had better go now. Christian Ehrhoff is coming over and we are going to play SOCOM. I can usually beat him because he doesn't know how to concentrate. He has a weak brain.

Live every week like its Shark Week

Word.

Kings Gameday: Tape-Delayed Blog

Los Angeles Kings (10-14-1, Last in West) vs. Edmonton Oilers (12-14-1, 12th in West)



7:30 PST, FSN West

Cammy is listed at 5'9" and Hlinka is listed as 5'10". One of those is wrong.

I promised a live-blog tonight so you guys can look forward to that, but first I wanted to tide you over with a few quick-hits:

-The Kings called up forward Gabe Gauthier and goaltender Johnathan Quick and sent down Matt Moulson; they also retroactively put Frolov on the IR just to try to confuse everyone a little more. Basically, Frolov and Labarbera will be back after tonight's game but they wanted Quick to back up Aubin tonight. Gauthier is probably up instead of Moulson because they wanted someone with more defensive presence since Moulson had been playing with Handzus and Calder.

-There's a quick little review of the Kings' junior prospects up over at Hockey's Future if you're interested. You get a lot of good little nuggets of information, including, "Josh Kidd was diagnosed with 'osteitis pubis' in November, which is an inflammation of the tissue connecting the two bones that make up the pelvis, and will miss at least a month of action." Okay, so I guess there's 3 injuries you can miss hockey with. Christ.

This picture is irrelevant, it just makes me laugh.

-The last game against Colorado was a good example of why it's sometimes a better idea to just sit a game out. Both Mike Cammalleri and Jaroslav Modry played despite extenuating circumstances (Cammy's groin, Modry's dad). Both played poorly, with Cammy ineffective and Modry responsible for 2 goals against. (Not the breakaway, though; I'm pretty sure that was Moulson's fault.) I know they just wanted to help the team and a big part of hockey is playing when you're not 100%, but ultimately they hurt the team. I just want them to understand that.

-I was at work today and we had cake for some unexplained reason. I work with pretty much all girls (it's not nearly as awesome as it sounds) and we were talking about some Secret Santa bullshit they want to do again this year. One girl mentioned that last year I got this chick Melissa that I work with Midol. Melissa has since moved back home because she got knocked up, so I replied, "Apparently I should have gotten her birth control." For some reason, that makes me an asshole. I don't get women. Anyway, here's Jim Gaffigan talking about cake and other delicious foods if you're bored. My favorite:

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me two years!"

The joke that Ducks messageboard moderators don't want you to read

I was lurking on Ducks messageboards last week, trying to get a handle on retirement rumors, when some user started a new thread with a Kings-Ducks joke. I copied it to e-mail it to one of my friends, but when I went back to link to it, moderators had already pulled the thread. I don't know who to credit this joke to, but it's BoC-themed enough; maybe this helps set the stage for London later this month.

One foggy night a Kings fan was heading south and a Ducks fan was driving north. While crossing a narrow bridge they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

The Kings fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive". Likewise, the Ducks fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too, feeling fortunate to have survived.

The Duck fan walks over to the Kings fan and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals."

The Kings fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck." The Kings fan then pops open the trunk of his car and removes a full undamaged bottle of Jameson's Irish whiskey and a 6-pack of Guinness. He says to the Ducks fan, "I think this is another sign that we should toast to our newfound friendship."

The Ducks fan agrees and grabs the bottle of Jamesons. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Ducks fan hands the bottle back to the Kings fan and says, "Your turn".

The Kings fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle and the Guinness over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."

Something That's Bothering Me...

For the first time since 2000, I’m feeling optimistic about this Kings team. There’s good young talent at every position and there’s a general manager in place that I trust. There’s just one thing about the Kings that’s bothering me: not many of them look like hockey players. The Kings probably have the biggest collection of babyfaces, whelps, and fops in the entire league. I mean, just look at these guys:

Alex Frolov: Professional hockey players should not have a facial expression that can best be described as “coy.”

Anze Kopitar: Do they sleep in Slovenia, or is it the heroin that gives those glamorous sunken eyes?

Dustin Brown: What's up, Baby Huey? I’m sorry, but he looks like he ate paint chips as a kid. Seriously, someone needs to check him to see if he has whatever Slingblade did.

Jack Johnson: I look at him and all I can think is: durrr.

Jason LaBarbera: Nice fu manchu, dumbass. Plus, you’re fat.

Joe Piskula: Hahahahahahaha!

Lubomir Visnovsky: He’s a cute kid; when he grows up, I’m sure he’ll be great.

Michael Cammalleri: Any man that gives me a boner shouldn’t be playing hockey.

Kevin Dallman: He kind of looks like a hockey player, but he also kind of looks like a rapist.

Michal Handzus: Oh what the fuck. He looks like the bastard love-child of Robert Carlyle and a muppet.

Derek Armstrong, Scott Thornton, Dan Cloutier, Raitis Ivanans

These guys, on the other hand, are members of the Kings that look like hockey players. I mean, look at Scott Thornton; there’s a guy I’d want on my side in a fight. Fuck, I’m afraid to look at Ivanans’ picture the wrong way for fear that he’ll show up at my house, rip off my arms, and shove one down my throat and the other up my ass so I can shake hands with myself. The only problem with all of them? They all suck at actually playing hockey. That’s the problem with the Kings; they ones that are good all look like doofs while the guys who look like hockey players suck balls at the sport. What does this mean for the upcoming season? I’m not sure, but I think the Kings may have to trade for a guy like Rod Brind’amour or maybe bring Bob Probert out of retirement just to satisfy the hockey gods. On the other hand, if the Ducks can win with Scott Niedermayer, Travis Moen and Corey Perry, maybe there's hope after all.

A few more thoughts on Dustin Penner

I went home last night to think through this Penner offer sheet a bit more, but I don't think my conclusion has changed. Here are some stats I've gathered that indicate that Penner should not be Anaheim's highest paid forward next year:

• Of all the Ducks that played more than 15 games this year (regular season + playoffs), Penner had the worst even-strength goals-against average on the team, and he wasn't even facing the opposition's best scorers.


• On the power play, Penner was 7th on the team in minutes and 9th on the team in scoring. His PP points-per-hour were the lowest for any forward not on the Pahlsson line.


• In his NHL career (reg. season + playoffs), Penner has scored a total of 69 points over 135 games. Five other Ducks surpassed that points total last year alone.


• Despite the Ducks' success in the playoffs, it is interesting to note that Dustin Penner was shut out completely for the month of May (10 games).

All that said, I don't predict Burke very well and I don't think I'd crucify him if he decided to match. It certainly would stretch the budget thin, but despite his flaws, Penner finished second on the team in regular-season goals as a rookie, and certainly should improve his game in the coming years, especially if Bertuzzi can effectively tutor him. Next summer, re-signing Getzlaf and Perry will be a pain regardless of where Penner plays this year, but Burke has shown an ability to ditch salary capably when he's needed to.

If Burke does match, then Penner and Bertuzzi would represent the team's top two salaried forwards, which is strange since neither is naturally assured a top-line spot. I'd probably have to use this nonsense price-per-pound metric to make sense of the salary structure:

Player	Avg. Salary	Weight*	Price per pound
Todd Bertuzzi	$4,000,000	242 lbs.	$16,529
Dustin Penner	$4,250,000	243 lbs.	$17,490
Andy McDonald	$3,333,333	185 lbs.	$18,018
Chris Pronger	$6,250,000	220 lbs.	$28,409
Mathieu Schneider	$5,625,000	191 lbs.	$29,450
J.S. Giguere	$6,000,000	200 lbs.	$30,000
Scott Niedermayer	$6,750,000	200 lbs.	$33,750

* Player weights taken from NHL.com
So I dunno, my take is still that Burke should take the picks and let the Oilers pay Penner, but I don't feel as strongly about it as I did yesterday. All offseason, I have been excited to see the first instance where Pronger throws a snapshot through a Penner-and-Bertuzzi 485-pound double-screen, so maybe that's clouding my judgment some.

In any event, I still should poke some fun at the L.A. Times online edition, who added a silly picture-question to their Penner story:
Uh, nice proofreading, guys, but I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that Francois Beauchemin stays...

Eff the Sharks?

This video has the production values of a DMV training video, what sounds like a background track from the latest David Hasslehoff album, and a punchline that takes several days to make itself clear, but I feel compelled to post it here nonetheless.

My rebuttal in video form.

Chris Drury's inspirational speech not enough for Buffalo, Ottawa Senators advance to the Stanley Cup Final

As the Buffalo Sabres co-captain, Chris Drury tried to boost the morale of his team after dropping the first three games of the Eastern Conference Finals to the Ottawa Senators. Drury invoked the Delta House motto in his locker room speech "Don't get mad, get even", and the Sabres came out blazing for a 3-2 win to prevent the bagel in Game 4. Alas, it was not enough. Maxim Afinogenov tied the fifth game at 2-2 with a late power play goal, but Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson scored the game winner in OT to advance to the finals with Anaheim, errrr, the Western Conference Finals winner.

Link via Sabre Rattling.

“I’ve never wanted to smell like Pine-Sol so bad in my life!”

Here's a fun link for your playoff Saturday: Tonight Show comedian Harland Williams makes a Duck Call special, chronicling his day with the Anaheim Ducks.

Among the highlights:

• Rob Niedermayer gets to challenge someone for having less hockey skill than he does.
• Ilya Bryzgalov makes a pad save and gets fussy over his equipment.
• George Parros learns a new fighting tactic.
• Scott Niedermayer's children hate each other.

It's always nice to see NHL players let down their guard and show some actual personality--much better than using them as shower props to remind us that hockey is back. So check it out, and leave your favorite moment in the comments.

Happy Cinco, everyone!

Last word to Google

As seen on Sabre Rattling.

A little premature, no?

Credit to Jes Golbez.