Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Something That's Bothering Me...

For the first time since 2000, I’m feeling optimistic about this Kings team. There’s good young talent at every position and there’s a general manager in place that I trust. There’s just one thing about the Kings that’s bothering me: not many of them look like hockey players. The Kings probably have the biggest collection of babyfaces, whelps, and fops in the entire league. I mean, just look at these guys:

Alex Frolov: Professional hockey players should not have a facial expression that can best be described as “coy.”

Anze Kopitar: Do they sleep in Slovenia, or is it the heroin that gives those glamorous sunken eyes?

Dustin Brown: What's up, Baby Huey? I’m sorry, but he looks like he ate paint chips as a kid. Seriously, someone needs to check him to see if he has whatever Slingblade did.

Jack Johnson: I look at him and all I can think is: durrr.

Jason LaBarbera: Nice fu manchu, dumbass. Plus, you’re fat.

Joe Piskula: Hahahahahahaha!

Lubomir Visnovsky: He’s a cute kid; when he grows up, I’m sure he’ll be great.

Michael Cammalleri: Any man that gives me a boner shouldn’t be playing hockey.

Kevin Dallman: He kind of looks like a hockey player, but he also kind of looks like a rapist.

Michal Handzus: Oh what the fuck. He looks like the bastard love-child of Robert Carlyle and a muppet.

Derek Armstrong, Scott Thornton, Dan Cloutier, Raitis Ivanans

These guys, on the other hand, are members of the Kings that look like hockey players. I mean, look at Scott Thornton; there’s a guy I’d want on my side in a fight. Fuck, I’m afraid to look at Ivanans’ picture the wrong way for fear that he’ll show up at my house, rip off my arms, and shove one down my throat and the other up my ass so I can shake hands with myself. The only problem with all of them? They all suck at actually playing hockey. That’s the problem with the Kings; they ones that are good all look like doofs while the guys who look like hockey players suck balls at the sport. What does this mean for the upcoming season? I’m not sure, but I think the Kings may have to trade for a guy like Rod Brind’amour or maybe bring Bob Probert out of retirement just to satisfy the hockey gods. On the other hand, if the Ducks can win with Scott Niedermayer, Travis Moen and Corey Perry, maybe there's hope after all.


andrew said...

I like it Rudy. Excellent work as always.

Also, Jack Johnson looks like Rocky Dennis in "Mask"

Sherry said...

Firstly, this entry is hilarious and I'm billing you for a new keyboard and cup of coffee.

And second-of-ly, dang! You're worse than some of the ladies at HLOG!

Earl Sleek said...

Good stuff, but seriously. Do you need me to make a question-mark-head the next time you're going to post a picture of 'Zus?

Kopitar is a raccoon-transformed-into-a-human, straight out of Pom Poko.

Nick S. said...

Cloutier looks like one of the background dancers from "Grease."

Lowetide said...

Ivanans forehead looks like a bumper from a 1965 Bel Air. He is now my favorite LA King.

Terrific article btw.

beingbobbyorr said...

Frolov always looks like he's posing for the cover of TigerBeat magazine (not that I read it or anything . . . I mean, ya can't help looking when it's just there at the grocery checkout, right?)

KMS2 said...

I'm convinced that Frolov is this nerdy Russian kid who is crazy good at computer stuff but just happened to find out that he's a decent hockey player and thought, "oh, ok, I guess I'll do that".

And as much fun it is to see Ivanans actually score, it's also the scariest thing in the world because he gets this crazed-psycho look on his face when he celebrates. He scares the shit out of me.

vakfan said...

Handzus looks like Rasputin.