The Sharks offered Steve Bernier for Sean Avery and the Rangers turned it down.
The Rangers turned it down.
The Rangers. Turned it down.
THE RANGERS TURNED IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love that the Sharks couldn't get Sean Avery so they went out and got Brian Campbell.
I'm confused.
Anaheim Ducks (28-22-7, t-5th in west) at New York Rangers (27-23-6, 7th in east)
Well, the Ducks certainly didn't take the easiest route between New York games. Most of the Ducks took a quick trip to Washington, D.C., to meet President Bush (as is customary for cup champs to do). Bush opened his comments with this one-liner:
"Have you noticed a lot of security around here? It's because the Vice President heard there were some Ducks around."I won't comment on the merit of the joke itself, but allow me to reiterate how good it is that Ottawa didn't win the cup finals; Bush would have had hours of material ("The last time I got together with this many Senators, we passed the Homeland Security Act, yuk yuk").
For some people, today is Super Tuesday. For others, it is Fat Tuesday. For even others, it's just another muthafuckin' day of the work week.
But as for Rudy and Earl, we're celebrating for a whole other reason today. Bottoms up!
4:00 PST, FSN West
(Wait, what? "Flies?" That doesn’t make any sense.)
Happy Election Day! I hope all of you go out and participate in the democratic process. I voted for Lubo because of his "Pro-Cookie" policy. Despite it being one of my favorite days, I'm still a little bummed because the Kings dicked me over. The problem with the current newspaper situation in Los Angeles is that no beat reporter travels with the team, so when something happens we don’t find out about it until right before the game. Hence, the gameday post I wrote for the game against New Jersey was outdated before the puck was dropped. (Now I know how newspaper reporters feel.) What I missed:
Do you need a healthy ankle to shoot 10 feet wide?
Rob Blake is out for two weeks with a broken ankle. I’m not really quite sure what to think of this. Is he sitting out so he’s rested when he gets traded to a contending team, or is he sitting because he's not going to be traded and they want him rested when they trade everyone else? The mind reels, my friends. (Also, how does Blake miss 2 weeks with a broken ankle, yet Sidney Crosby is out 6 with an ankle sprain? This once again proves my theory: Sidney Crosby is a pussy.)
Brian Boyle and Peter Harrold were both called up. Boyle played well, tallying a goal and an assist. Man, is he a big mother fucker. I’ve always heard that he skates like shit, but I didn’t really think so. He has a long stride, but that doesn’t mean he’s slow. I’m pretty sure his playing means that Hugh Jessiman is the only 1st rounder from the 2003 NHL Draft that has not played in the NHL. Way to go, jackass. Harrold was okay; he played the fewest minutes of any Kings defenseman. I think they were just trying to get his feet wet, so hopefully now they’ll give him a shot on the power play.
So yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. This is a crazy team. (Also, they still haven’t called up Purcell to take Willsie’s spot. You have 3 days, Mr. Lombardi.) The Rangers have been playing well lately, winning 6 of their last 10 games. The New York media is attributing this recent success to the return of Sean Avery. Sigh… let me tell you how this is going to go. You’ll think he’s a little bit of a spark plug and sign him to a reasonable longer-term deal in the off-season. Then he’ll start doing stupid shit and maybe get into a fight with Marek Malik or call Georges Laraque a monkey again. You’ll start losing a little and then suddenly he won’t be that fun anymore. Eventually you’ll get tired of him and ship him off to some other team, where the cycle will repeat again. Good luck with that.
Prediction: I desperately want Dustin Brown to paste Sean Avery. That’s not really a prediction, I guess so here’s one: I will be very happy if Dustin Brown pastes Sean Avery.
Edit: Son of a bitch, I wrote this entire thing and then saw on Inside the Kings that Brown is taking a leave to be with his pregnant wife. Lord knows why he'd want to be there, it's disgusting. Has he seen Children of Men? Anyway, they'll probably call up Purcell now. Hopefully. For the love of God.
Edit #2: You have got to be kidding me. Cammy is coming back. Good lord am I bad at this.
I remember it like it was yesterday. The Kings were struggling and had decided that it was time to trade veterans for youth. On the other side of the country, the Rangers were on the verge of a Cup run and needed to add some scoring power as well as feistiness. They soon found one another and came to an agreement. I was just settling into a long day at work when I heard news of the trade. Reports were sketchy at first, but I soon learned that the Kings had traded for a player who would soon change my life forever: Jason Ward.
Jason Ward instantly made an impact in a Kings uniform. He electrified the line-up when he played; guys always had to play harder when he was on the ice. The former first-round draft pick soon made the Staples Center crowd forget all about Sean Avery, mucking it up to the tune of 4 penalty minutes in 7 games. He proved he was a prolific set-up man as well. Remember the goal that Kopitar scored when he went around two Nashville defensemen, out-waited Vokoun and went around the net, and then put the puck into the top-left corner? You know who gave him that puck? That’s right: Jason Ward. Sure, that was his only point in a Kings uniform, but we all know how unreliable scorekeepers can be.
The Ward era seemed destined to go on forever (it lasted 528 whole hours!) but it ended all too soon. This past trade deadline, Jason Ward was traded to the Tampa Bay Lightning for a king’s ransom (a fifth-round draft pick) so that they too could get a taste of the Wardgic. (Ward + Magic = Wardgic) There were other trades made by the Kings that day (some guy named Nordstrom got traded, but I never remember him playing), but losing Ward hurt the most. When I heard he was traded, my innocence died. I honestly thought we’d be together forever, but it just wasn’t meant to be. The only thing I can do is remember the good times we had and hope that, one day, we’ll be together again. Godspeed, Jason Ward. I love you.
I'm working on a much bigger heckling guide that should come out (relatively) soon. But for now, whet your appetites with the one I geared toward Dallas fans (sort of) in The North Texas Daily. It appeared in the October 4th edition, if you're wondering.
Note: Because of space limitations, teams including the Kings were taken out. In the full-on Heckling Guide, expect "Full House" jokes aplenty. Or at least one.
NHL heckling guide
Since the baseball playoffs started last night, people might miss the flowing mullet sneaking past the radar. The NHL is back in action tonight after a surprising comeback last season.
You don't have to be a hockey expert to enjoy a Stars game - after all, it is about a 45-minute drive and nosebleed tickets often go for around $10 a piece. This guide can help you heckle several teams coming to Dallas this season.
For teams that come more than once, their first appearance is listed in parentheses.
New Jersey Devils (Saturday)
The Devils and Stars play each other in the Stars' home opener, so the atmosphere should be close to playoff-level. And considering the fact that the Stars never make it past the second round anymore, you might want to breathe it in for as long as you can.
Vancouver Canucks (Oct. 23)
Last year, the Canucks were more fun to heckle. Not only did the team trade outright villain Todd Bertuzzi this summer, it also fired coach Marc Crawford, owner of one of the funniest haircuts in the NHL. Double bummer.
Detroit Red Wings (Oct. 27)
Do you hate old people? Then bring a walker to the AAC when the Red Wings come to town and heckle 44-year-old defenseman Chris Chelios.
St. Louis Blues (Nov. 1)
Keith Tkachuk made headlines last year when he came to training camp well overweight. The posters and jokes just write themselves, but if you need a hint, call him "Ka-chunk."
Nashville Predators (Nov. 22)
Many fans will remember former Star Jason Arnott for getting thrown out of a 2006 game against the Avalanche with a face full of blood.
Minnesota Wild (Dec. 2)
Jacques Lemaire's wicked comb over used to be the only thing interesting about this team. It beefed up its offense, so now it might be worth watching. Not to take anything away from Lemaire's comb over.
San Jose Sharks (Dec. 4)
Joe Thornton is the NHL's version of Peyton Manning. It's a guilty pleasure to watch him crumble under pressure in the playoffs.
Phoenix Coyotes (Dec. 6)
The Coyotes are the latest home of perennial loudmouth Jeremy Roenick, infamous in the Dallas area for injuring Modano and then promptly getting his jaw broken by former Star Derian Hatcher.
New York Rangers (Dec. 14)
If you have a mullet wig, put it on when the Rangers come to town. The team's biggest star, Jaromir Jagr, once sported one of the most legendary mullets in the history of the NHL.
Anaheim Ducks (Jan. 11)
The Ducks are giving hockey fans everywhere a reason to snicker, and this time around, it's not because of Emilio Estevez jokes. Chris Pronger's wife is the NHL's answer to Yoko Ono. Heckling him should be worth the price of a $10 nosebleed ticket.
Pittsburgh Penguins (Jan. 26)
Sidney Crosby might be the closest thing to the next Wayne Gretzky. Let's hope that is without the whole Mafia gambling scandal.
More on the ill-fated series of cartooning the NHL Teams:
Previously: Pacific, Northwest, Central
And now, to the good ol' Atlantic Division, who will be visiting the Pacific this year. We haven't seen these teams since before the lockout.
From left to right, the Pittsburgh Penguin, the New York Thousand Islander, the New Jersey Devil, the New York Power Ranger, and the poor Philadelphia Flyer, who of course is undergoing the rigorous airline screening procedure we are all starting to know and love.
Oh, the humanity.
