Nobody judges talent like XBOX 360

Earl Sleek, September 24:

Thanks to NHL 09's Be a Pro Mode starting me out on the Iowa Chops, I feel that I'm now a qualified judge of minor league talent (and by my digital eye the keepers on that team are Festerling and Ebbett).

Anaheim Ducks website, October 2:

But Festerling and Ebbett are two players who have remained above the fray so far, surviving three rounds of roster cuts that have trimmed the team size from 54 at the start of training camp to 27 currently.

This is turning scarier and scarier, and if you haven't bought NHL 09 yet, it's not only terribly addicting, but it might make you look like a minor league genius, too! I should note that I have never even seen a real-life version of Festerling play, and other than a couple of call-up games last year, the same for Ebbett.

Apologies to Brokeyard (of malfunctioning 360 fame). Go Ducks.

Quick Impressions from the Preseason Opener

I don't have time to do a full write-up on yesterday's preseason opener between the Sharks and Ducks, but I did want to report on a few interesting items. It was a pretty fun preseason game, actually, between all the fights and goals. I didn't end up taking any pictures (that's PJ's specialty, not mine), but that doesn't mean that I wasn't there!

Look, there's half of me, grinning stupidly about two seconds before Evans got floored.


More photo evidence of the green shirt sent by reader Scott.
Here's the main three takeaways I wanted to point out about yesterday's game, though.

a) What the hell, Anaheim? There was a bigger crowd in attendance last night than I've ever seen for a Ducks preseason game, to the point where I was getting pissed off about it. I mean, I understand that full houses are good for the team's revenue, but preseason has always represented a chance for me to come to a half-empty arena and enjoy easy parking, short lines, and crummy preseason hockey. Yesterday all I got was crummy preseason hockey. I don't really know why so many people showed up (and it certainly wasn't a full house), but it definitely caught me off-guard.

b) Question for Sharks fans: Who is this midget named Vesce? During last night's game, I was trying to learn about Ducks prospects, and pointed out to my friend how Ryan Dingle reminded me a lot of Andy McDonald -- small, quick, and clever with the puck. My friend replies, "That's the smallest skater I've ever seen!" I say, "Aw, he's not that little," but then realize that my friend isn't talking about Dingle at all. No, in fact there's an even littler dude skating around for the Sharks, Ryan Vesce. He didn't end up getting very much ice time, but we spent a good deal of time devising offensive plays for the Sharks that went something like this: "OK, Alex Semenov skates into the offensive zone and calls for a pass. Then out of nowhere Ryan Vesce jumps out of Semenov's breast pocket, steals the puck, and scores!"

c) The fight highlight of the night: Clowe gets "Bravehearted". The first two periods were littered with fights, mostly from players trying to earn jobs in the future, but even legitimate NHLers decided to get into it. For some reason, Kent Huskins, a guy I've always considered soft and laid back, decided he was sick of my opinion and decided to trade blows with Ryane Clowe. I was kind of shocked, because Clowe does have NHL fight experience, and pretty much I hoped that Huskins wouldn't get too badly hurt.

However, not only did Huskins hold his own in the fairly lengthy fight, but he even managed to cut Clowe pretty good above his left eye (you can see some if it in the picture to the right), and by the time the fight was over, half of Clowe's face was covered in blood. Now in full honesty the fight was pretty much even, but based on the blood spilled, the Anaheim crowd gave Huskins the biggest ovation of the night.

Clowe did return to the game after getting cleaned up, but the emotional damage was done. We even ended up coining a term for it, too. Clowe, you got "Bravehearted", dude. By Huskins, no less. Who would have thought?

Go Ducks.

[Update] Earl Sleek made me famous - Battle of California. I think Northern California wins the battle of the blurry fight background cameo appearances. Hand on chin = smart.

Random Hockey Alert!

The Kings have been running their prospect development camp the past week and today they're going to broadcast the final scrimmage through their website. Game starts at 3 PM. It'll probably be stupid but it's hockey in the middle of July and it's not like you people have jobs or anything.


Team A Notables: Jonathan Bernier, Linden Rowat, Drew Doughty, Joe Piskula, Bud Holloway, Trevor Lewis, Andre Rankel


Team B Notables: Jeff Zatkoff, Oscar Moller, Alec Martinez, Wayne Simmonds, Marc-Andre Cliche, Viatcheslav Voinov, Colten Teubert, Andrei Loktionov, Drew Bagnall


Guys in bold are guys that might see time on the Kings next season. Thomas Hickey isn't playing because he just got pins taken out of his ankle. If you're bored, here's an article on my pet project, Marc-Andre Cliche. If I'm able to catch a good part of it I'll chime in with my uninformed opinion later today. Go Kings.

Update:

I think you know something's gone wrong in your life when you're watching a development camp scrimmage online in the middle of July. Anyway:

-The White team won, 1-0, a score that speaks to the disparity between offense and defense in the Kings' pipeline right now. That's okay, I guess, because the opposite is true on the big squad. The lone goal was scored by Garret Roe, the 7th round pick this year, on a nice play by Drew Drewiske.

-Doughty looked nice, destroying someone along the boards early on and making 2 0r 3 nice end-to-end rushes. He just controls the game when the puck is on his stick.

-Trevor Lewis was probably the best forward on the Purple Team, showing good puck possession and vision on the ice. Hopefully he'll step up this year in a more offensive role for Manchester.

-Oscar Moller is pretty awesome (although he needs to put on some weight) and Wayne Simmonds is a fucking freight train. Right now he's got all the coherency of a Dragonforce song right now, but he's going to be exciting to watch for the next few years.

The whole thing was ridiculous and low-rent, but it was fun to watch and I'm glad the Kings put it online. Now I'll have something to go back and watch when the Kings are mired in that 10-game losing streak in January.

Bobby Ryan Looks To Show He's The Right Man For The Job in Anaheim

Recently within the Anaheim Ducks organization Bobby Ryan has begun to catch a lot of attention. It originally began with the free agent market with those analyzing the Ducks depth chart began to expect Ryan to be placed in the lineup full time this year, rather than have him split time between the Ducks and minor leagues.

Until lately I was pleased with the slow going development of Bobby Ryan, until Kevin Lowe made comments about the young Duck recently as a jab at getting a rise out of Ducks GM Brian Burke.

Lowe said that Ryan was a “questionable pick”, but my question is why does he even care? That is for the Ducks to worry about, and the Ducks organization seems happy with Ryan’s development.

Personally, I’m very pleased with Bobby Ryan’s development. I don’t believe in putting a rookie, regardless of his talent, instantly in the lineup. That’s a lot of pressure. Ryan has developed enough with split time between Portland and Anaheim to do well enough to be expected to pull a regular shift on the second line.

Not bad for a questionable pick if you ask me.

I am not writing this article to shake up more issues regarding Lowe’s comments, but instead to raise knowledge of the 2005 second overall draft choice.

The 21 year old, 6’1” 218-pound Right Wing was born in Cherry Hill, New Jersey and was drafted out of Owen Sound of the OHL in 2005, right behind Sidney Crosby. Regardless of who you are that’s hard company to keep.

Brian Burke believes in development of draft picks, much like I do, and even with a pick such as Crosby would have probably made him find his way in the minor leagues. Ryan did exactly what Burke and the organization have asked of him, split your time, produce, and grow as a player.

Well Bobby Ryan, now is your time.

With a second line spot open for Ryan on the depth chart he will look to capitalize on the great year he had last year. Ryan appeared in 23 games, scoring five goals, (three power play) and five assists for 10 points. Ryan also recorded six penalty minutes in those 23 games.

During the playoffs Ryan found himself back in Portland with the Pirates who themselves were chasing a championship. In 16 AHL playoff appearances Ryan led the Pirates in points with 20.

For Bobby, he finds himself with a spot with his name on it on the depth chart. Not many guys heading into camp who spent half the year in the minors ever get to say that, and far fewer see their name on the second line.

There are extremely high expectations for Bobby, with Lowe having called him out now would be the perfect time for Ryan to show the Ducks, and the rest of the NHL what he is really made of. With the youth movement in the forward lines in Anaheim it’s a great time to be a Duck fan.

Image: Courtesy of CBC

What Now? Part 1

Short Answer: The Kings are boned.

Long Answer: The Kings are really, really boned. According to Rich Hammond, the Kings had 3 targets this off-season and were expected to acquire 2 of them. Those men were Rob Blake, Brad Stuart, and Brooks Orpik. Because of this, Lubo became expendable and we traded him. (Whoops!) Blake boned us, Brad Stuart signed with the Red Wings (who are just going to fuck everyone next year), and Orpik signed a really long deal to stay with the Penguins. So, basically, the Kings are boned on defense. Here's what we have right now, not assuming prospects:

( )-Johnson
Greene-( )
Preissing-Gauthier/Harrold

So, all the Kings need is a top-pairing defenseman and a 2nd-line guy. (That's it!) The Kings are okay on the penalty kill, but our power play is going to be pretty atrocious if we can't find someone to fix it. Johnson could probably quarterback the power play, but he can't play top minutes in all 3 facets of the game. Last year, he only played penalty kill and even strength and he still averaged almost 27 minutes a game when Blake was gone. Preissing is good on that 2nd unit but that's about all he can muster; same with Harrold. Greene and Gauthier are both idiots and can't play on the power play. Basically, the Kings need to sign someone with a basic level of offensive acumen.* There's three different ways the Kings can go about solving their problem: free agency, trades, prospects. Let's look through each one and see if we can't find a glimmer of hope.

*Isn't it funny, last year all we had were shitty offensive defensemen, and now we don't have enough! Do you think that's funny? Well, it isn't. Don't laugh at the pain of others, you sadist.


Free Agency

Looking at the list of available defensemen, I'm not really seeing anyone that great. It's like that old Groucho Marx line, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." If a guy is willing to sign with this team then there's probably something wrong with him, whether he just wants the money or he wants to live by the beach or whatever. The best guy available is Jason Smith, but he's probably signing with a contender. He could probably be lured to LA with the promise of lots of playing time and a fuckton of money. But why would any free agent sign in LA, knowing that the Kings won't be good until they're gone? Plus, they would have to know that Lombardi would try to trade them at the first opportunity. I would much rather just sign with another team that I think might be good sometime in the life of my deal. So, that leaves the trade route.

Trades

The obvious one is Mathieu Schneider, the guy Sleek has been pimping for the past few weeks. The Ducks have a unique dilemma: they could get a good haul for Schneider from a contending team (like Ottawa), but they wouldn't really want to trade him to a team they might meet in the playoffs. Meanwhile, teams like the Panthers or the Thrashers don't really need Schneider enough to offer anything for him because they're going to suck with or without him. The Kings, on the other hand, need Schneider to quarterback our power play and keep things a little respectable. I would have no qualms about trading a young forward prospect to the Ducks for Schneider. This trade makes sense for both sides, yet somehow I know in my heart that it will never, ever happen. Call it women's intuition.


Another option is Brian McCabe, the besieged defenseman from Toronto. McCabe is both more expensive AND shittier than Lubo, but he could probably be had for cheap and he is a left-handed shot. I don't think it's worth it, but I'm just throwing him out there. 3,2,1... okay, now there should be about 4 blog posts on Toronto sites with trade offers like "McCabe, Tlusty and a 2nd for Frolov and Brown." (Why is there always a 2nd-rounder when someone makes a ridiculous proposal?)

Then there's always Jay Buowmeester. I don't even know what he would command or what Florida would want for him, but a guy can dream, can't he?

(The Sharks have too many defensemen, but we're not trading for any of them. Fuck those guys.)

But any of these trade options have 2 flaws: the Kings will have to give up something from their prospect pool and it won't really make them that better. I mean, is it really better losing 4-2 as opposed to 5-2? The Kings would only make a trade for reputation's sake and I only put it up as an option because I don't want to watch them lose all next year. In all likelihood, the Kings are just going to go with the 3rd option: prospects.

Prospects


The good news: if you're going to have to go with young guys, these are the young guys you want to go with. The Kings have a nice mix of young prospects that could eventually play top minutes and older guys with low ceilings that could step in immediately. Here's a short list:

Drew Doughty
Colten Teubert
Thomas Hickey (although he's coming off ankle surgery)
Alec Martinez
Joe Piskula
Drew Bagnall

Most likely making the team is Drew Doughty, if for no other reason than he wants to. But he'll probably play limited minutes, as he is only 18 and no defenseman has played in the NHL at that age since Jay Buowmeester. I really doubt the Kings will take 2 18 year-olds, so that leaves Teubert out. Hickey could always make the team, but I kind of doubt it since he's coming off that ankle surgery thing. Joe Piskula and Drew Bagnall are both low-level guys that played in Manchester last year and would be an option if the younger guys don't perform in training camp.

The guy I think will be the biggest surprise next year? Alec Martinez. He's the guy from Miami of Ohio and can play both power play and penalty kill. He's a mix of the two groups above: he's got a fairly high ceiling but he's old enough to step in with limited growing pains. This is just me talking out of my ass, but I think he could end up saving the Kings next year.

There is a 4th option, the waiver wire, but I won't presume to know which defensemen may get waived in the future. Just something to keep an eye on.

In Conclusion

The Kings' defense is fucked. I firmly believe that Dean Lombardi only traded Lubomir Visnovsky because he thought he could sign Stuart and Blake. Now they're elsewhere and the Kings' defense is shaping up to be Jack Johnson and the Misfits. I don't know what Lombardi is going to do now, but he has to do something. Right now, the Kings have the worst defense in the league.

Kings Draft Pick Review

Drew Doughty, D- My favorite part of Doughty's game is the fact that he doesn't just control the puck well; he controls the flow of the game. The best part about the Detroit Red Wings is their ability to dictate the way the game goes, to slow it down or speed it up at their will. I haven't seen Doughty nearly enough to make any kind of judgment on his ability but what I hear gives me a very tight feeling in my shorts.

Colton Teubert, D- The guy writes the word "Punish" on his grip. Yep.

Vjateslav Voinov, D- Fuck yes, I love Russians. Voinov is a little on the small side (he's listed at 6'0" but is more likely 5'10" or so), but he's a mean mother fucker and is known as one of the best agitators in the draft. Yeah, he's Russian, but he's expected to come over and play next year in either Juniors or the AHL. Hopefully he can make it up to the big club and give Alexander Frolov someone to talk to. The only downside:

As my brother pointed out, he looks like Roseanne's sister. Kinda like Jordin Tootoo too... wait, fuck, there has to a better way to write that.

Brad Richardson, C/RW- Yeah, I know, he's 23 and we got him in a trade, but I figure he counts. Richardson is a smaller winger with poor speed and a great shot... wait, hold on, he reminds me someone. Anyway, Richardson can play on the penalty kill and will probably find a spot alongside Michal Handzus, who desperately needs someone with a shot on his line. I see a Moulson-Handzus-Richardson line working quite well in the future.

Andrew Campbell, D- Campbell is 20 years old and its already pretty filled out (205 lbs.). Lombardi traded up to get this guy, so it seems there's something in him that he likes. Should be a guy to watch.

Richard Czarnik, C/RW- American kid, pretty big but needs to add about 30 pounds. Should be a good player to forget about for a few years and then check on. Plus, his last name sounds like Rodney Dangerfield's in Caddyshack and that's... well, it's something. You try to write something about every player, it's hard.

Geordie Wudrck, LW- Geordie?

Andrei Loktionov, C- Woohoo, another Russian! I think Lombardi was thinking that Russians would be undervalued this draft because of the uncertainty surrounding the transfer agreement, so he went ahead and took them. One thing that's funny? Every Russian prospect is just kind of assumed to be an asshole. I would seriously consider a lawsuit if I were a Russian player. "Oh, here's Igor Olskinsov, he's a good player but he will probably just stay in Russia and drink Vodka. They used to be commies, you know."

Justin Azevedo, C- There's 2 things you need to know about Justin Azevedo: he was the OHL Player of the Year, and he's 5'7". I always feel bad for guys that are great in Juniors or in college but never really get a shot to prove it in the pros, so hopefully Azevedo can make it. He'll probably move to the wing and play in either the ECHL or the AHL next year.

Garret Roe, LW- Another 20 year-old (that's 3 on the day). He got straight A's in school. You know, just in case you were curious.

So that does it. There was a lot of trading for picks in next year's draft that I'm not going to get into because it's boring and nobody cares. Drew Doughty will probably play in the NHL next season, while the rest of the guys will go back to Juniors or college or whatever the fuck. Next up: free agency. Oh, and we need a coach, I guess. I forget, are those important?

I Knew He Looked Familiar

This is Nikita Filatov, Russian sniper.


This is Amanda Bynes in She's the Man. It's eerie how similar they look. She's the Man, of course, is a movie about a girl who dresses like a boy to play sports... wait a minute.

Oh my God.

Is There A Draft In Here?

Can you guess which one doesn't have a vagina? It's a trick question.

The NHL Entry Draft is less than a week away and holy Me and am I excited. I mean, c'mon! It's the draft! I am admittedly a draft junkie and will watch drafts of any type (I even used to do Ninja Turtle drafts with my brother when I was a kid... okay, last week), but the NHL Draft is by far my favorite. There are 3 things I love about the NHL Draft: there's intrigue, it allows you to dream about your team, and there's lots of young bo- wait, don't mind that last one. It's lost a little bit of its appeal lately as I notice that these kids are getting younger and younger and by extension I'm getting older and older, but I still love it.

Last year, Dean Lombardi famously caused the Greater Los Angeles area to collectively shit their pants with his selection of Thomas Hickey 4th overall. Hickey played well this year and assuaged some of our fears (although you still have to think that Karl Alzner would fit in excellently alongside Lubomir Visnosvky), while his 2nd round picks (Oscar Moller and Wayne Simmonds) have worked out beautifully thus far. Pretty much every pick from last year took a step forward this year:

1st- Thomas Hickey (WHL All-Star Team)
2nd- Oscar Moller (WHL All-Star Team)
2nd- Wayne Simmonds (75 points in 60 games, made World Junior team, fought Shane Hnidy)
3rd- Bryan Cameron (78 points in 68 games)
4th- Alec Martinez (ACHA All-America 2nd team)
5th- Dwight King (69 points in 72 games, made WHL Finals)
5th- Linden Rowat (WHL All-Star Team)
5th- Joshua Turnbull (He sucks and for some reason is listed as "Podge Turnbull" by Wisconsin)
7th- Josh Kidd (Played well for Manchester at the end of the year)
7th- Matt Fillier (161 PIM in 65 games in QMJHL)

Not bad, eh?

***

I'm probably not going to do player profiles of possible draft picks like I did last year because 1) you can find the information fairly easily at Hockey's Future, and 2) Dean Lombardi ended up picking some guy I didn't profile. The Kings need a defenseman, obviously, and Zach Bogosian and Drew Doughty both look like they can really help the Kings. Bogosian is a bigger American kid who would fit in well with our defense as it looks to be composed for the next few years, while Doughty carries a lofty reputation (I've heard "Coffey" a few times) and an underrated defensive game. (I'll compare the two more later this week.) There's also rumors Nikita Filatov, the talented Russian, could be taken by the Kings, but I think that is just a smokescreen laid by Dean Lombardi to get one of the two teams directly behind him to trade up. I've been burned before, but I'm fairly confident that either Bogosian or Doughty will be putting on a Kings uniform Friday night.

The Kings have 15 picks in this upcoming draft, with 8 of them in the first 3 rounds. I feel fairly confident that Dean Lombardi has put in more hours preparing for this upcoming draft than any other GM in the NHL. I don't think any other GM actually goes out on the road to scout prospects, but Dean does. Last year, with 10 picks and a brand new staff, Lombardi was able to pull in a very good draft class. I couldn't possibly predict what's going to happen this week, but there are 2 things I can guarantee Dean Lombardi will do:

1) He will move around. With 15 picks, Lombardi will definitely have the opportunity to move around, and we know from his San Jose days that he's not afraid to move up or down to get the guy he wants. The Kings have the 28th and 32nd picks, which Lombardi could use to move up in the 1st to get a guy he wants. The Kings should be active this draft.

2) He will focus on one area to draft from. Dean Lombardi is a smart guy, and he knows that there are areas that are undervalued by traditional draft. He usually finds that area and drafts from it, thinking that he's getting 2nd round talent with a 3rd round pick. When he was with San Jose, Lombardi focused on non-traditional European countries, while last year he focused on the WHL. I don't know where he's going to focus on this year, but you can usually see a trend at the end of the day.

Yep, complete confidence in this man's abilities.

I'll be here all week passing on the latest made-up shit rumors leading up to the draft. I'm pretty stoked because I have a feeling the Kings will make some waves. Dean Lombardi has had a few failures during his time as Kings GM, but he owns the draft. The draft is his home, where he feels comfortable and where he is better than any other GM outside Ken Holland. This draft is what he's been building towards since he took over as Kings GM, and I think he's going to rock it. Should be fun.

"Bochenski'd"

I've been thinking more about that TJ Fast trade, and I still don't understand what the hell happened. Neither team was made better and (most likely) neither Fast nor the 2009 5th-round pick will make the NHL. (I love how he didn't even fetch a 2008 5th-rounder.) These inexplicable little trades happen all the time, and I honestly think they happen for no other reason than GMs need something to do. I like to call these trades "Bochenskis," in honor of the poor former Duck who has seen his career manipulated by bored GMs who simply want to make a move. Look at his career:

Oct. 5, 2005: Called up by Ottawa Senators

Mar. 9, 2006: Traded with a 2nd-round pick to Chicago Blackhawks for Tyler Arnason

Feb. 3, 2007: Traded to Boston Bruins for Kris Versteeg and a conditional pick

June 18, 2007: Signs one-year deal with Boston Bruins

Jan. 2, 2008: Traded to Anaheim Ducks for Shane Hnidy and a 6th-round pick

Feb. 26, 2008: Traded to Nashville Predators for future considerations

Nice check, now get to Chicago.

That's 4 times in 3 years Bochenski has been traded, each time for absolutely no gain for either team. The poor guy got one opportunity to actually decide where he wanted to play, and he was rewarded for that by getting traded. That sucks. It's not even like Bochenski is a shitty player or anything. He's good enough that GMs will want him but not good enough that GMs won't want to give him up. It's a tough life, but I guess that's the flipside of hockey immortality. Anyway, I don't know the point of all this, but I thought I'd just point out that hockey can suck sometimes. There are guys behind the names on the transactions wires and all they want to do is play hockey. I'm not sure some of these GMs realize that. Good luck in St. Louis, TJ.

Other Sports are Ridiculous

Haha, basketball players are pussies. This, of course, is from last night's NBA Final, where Pierce had a booboo on his knee and acted like he was going to die. I think the fact that Paul Pierce came back later in the game made it worse, because if you're going to flail and cry like that you better need hours upon hours of surgery. The guy who got his arm shot off in the beginning of Saving Private Ryan didn't cry like that. I haven't been this embarrassed for a basketball player since Dwyane Wade separated his shoulder and needed a wheelchair to leave the court.

***

"I don't really care, [Tiger] said with an impish smile. "It's all about the Dodgers. I don't think anybody really watches hockey anymore."

Dude, you play golf. Shut up. This is like if the captain of the Chess Club talked shit on the wrestling team because he won the 34th annual Chesstopia! competition. It doesn't matter how popular you are, and how many little green jackets you win, because you still play golf and are therefore a huge pussy. Golf is what real athletes play to relax. And as long as this guy is a competitor in your little game, I don't think you have the right to say anything.

And we all know that nobody wants to watch the Dodgers right now, because they are terrible. Shouldn't he root for the Angels, anyway?

***

The Kings traded TJ Fast to the Blues for a 5th round draft pick. Fast was a 2nd round pick in 2005 (is it sad that I knew that without looking it up?) and played well for the Tri-City Americans of the WHL this past season. This is one of those weird inexplicable trades that happen every once in a while, of which Brian Burke is king. Is Dean Lombardi doing John Davidson a favor so he'll owe him in the future? Is Dean clearing up roster space for the plethora of draft picks we have in the upcoming draft? Am I thinking way too much about the trade of a marginal prospect? The answer to all the above is "yes." Another question with a "yes" answer: am I gorgeous?


And I'll keep this short, because I know you people don't care: Britain is old and rainy and they call their bathrooms toilets, which I feel is a little uncouth. Norway has a ton of tall hot blonde chicks and is sunny for 21 hours a day. And I saw a fjord, which is the greatest word ever.