Now Coaching the Kings: M. Night Shyamalan

The Kings are putting Kyle Calder on the top line in place of Matt Moulson Friday night.

You know that scene in The Happening where the blonde chick just stares forward while she slowly inserts a knitting needle into her neck? I'm pretty sure the Kings are doing that right now.

The Price is Wrong, Bailey

Here's Derek Armstrong, Denis Gauthier, Kyle Calder and Dustin Brown on The Price is Right:

(Video taken down because it's annoying)


It's funny, but little did Calder know that he was brought just so he could be neutered. It's for the best.

You Know Who Sucks? Kyle Calder

Last year, Kyle Calder had about 300 more minutes on the ice than Raitis Ivanans, 129 of those minutes being power play time. Calder scored 7 goals last year; Ivanans scored 6.

The funny thing is that Calder should probably be demoted to the minors but the Kings can't do that because they need his salary to reach the salary floor. I hoped they could just send him down because he was over 35 but apparently he's only 29? He looks like he's 40. Maybe my view of what a 29 year-old should look like is skewed because my brother is 29 and he looks like a baby.


Oh, and completely unrelated but Californication has been awesome this season. I didn't know where they were going to go after last season's finale but I underestimated how bad ass Hank Moody is. Also good: Honey Smacks. That frog makes a good fucking cereal. Where was it written in the Bible that I can't enjoy a cereal just because I hit a certain age? Total tastes like shit so I'll eat my Honey Comb if I want, Captain of the Cereal Police.

Season Review: Kyle Calder

65 GP, 7 G, 13 A, 20 pts, -11, 18 PIM

Grade: D

Last Season: Say what you want about Michal Handzus, but at least he isn't that bad defensively. Kyle Calder was basically worthless last season while riding shotgun on Handzus' line and was benched a few times near the end of the season. He missed the last 7 games of the season with a finger injury and the team seemed better without him. Calder's only worth was on the power play, a fact that seems kind of hilarious when you consider that he had 3 minutes of power play time a game and had 3 power play goals. All 3 goals were rebounds. Amazingly enough, Calder did not score a power play goal in 2008. It's kind of stunning when you consider that Calder scored 25 goals 2 years ago and now he might be playing himself out of the league. It all makes you wonder why they named a trophy after him.

Next Season: I'm not really sure where the hell Calder is going to play next year. The top 2 lines are pretty set and there wasn't a whole lot of chemistry between Calder and Handzus. The only time that line looked alive was when they played with Patrick O'Sullivan or Matt Moulson, two quick players that could actually create their own shot. I could see the Kings flanking Handzus with Moulson and someone like Brad Richardson to balance out Handzus' lack of speed. On the power play the Kings will probably utilize Brian Boyle in front of the net since he pretty much blocks out the Sun, so there's not much room for Kyle Calder there either. Overall, I think Calder might be looking at being in the press box for half the season, while playing the other half with maybe Boyle and Derek Armstrong. (Which isn't that bad of a 4th line, actually.)


Calder does have a history with Terry Murray, having played under him in Philadelphia, so maybe Murray can help him recover his game.* Calder's only 29 years old but he needs to play much better this season if he wants to stay in the NHL next year. If he doesn't, he's in danger of becoming a slightly better version of Brian Willsie.

*Calder played 59 games for Philadelphia and was a -31. I know plus/minus is pretty meaningless but man alive is that bad.

Kings Gameday: WE GOT MATT ELLIS!!!!!

LA Kings (murph) vs. Chicago Blackhawks (28-26-6, 13th in West)

1:00 PST, FSN West


The Kings claimed center Matt Ellis, 26, from the Detroit Red Wings on Thursday. Ellis has played in the AHL for the past 4 years, averaging around 50 points in the past 2. More importantly, Ellis was the captain of Detroit's AHL team for those 2 seasons. (Also, he looks like Nelson Emerson.) He played 35 games in Detroit this season, tallying 6 points. Detroit wanted to send him down to the AHL to help with their playoff push, but the Kings swiped him first. Some people are baffled by the move, wondering why Dean Lombardi bothered picking up a guy who has no real business playing in the NHL when the Kings already lead the league in guys that fill that description. I think Dean made this move for 2 reasons:

It looks like the puck is going 10 feet behind him...

1) Fill the roster. Last year when the Kings traded away Sean Avery, they took Jason Ward back. This was done to prevent the Kings from having to call up a younger guy who might not be ready to play in the NHL. As a result, the Kings were forced to accept slightly less from New York. Maybe they could have gotten a 4th round pick if they had not needed Jason Ward. With Ellis on the roster, the Kings won't have this problem.

2) AHL Leadership. The Kings probably can't send Ellis down to the AHL this season; most likely, Detroit will snap him up and then send him down to Grand Rapids. However, they can keep Ellis up on the roster, give him a few games here and there, and then send him down for next season. The roster in Manchester is incredibly young and will only get younger next season. The Kings can now provide them will a moderately skilled leader that will help them get ready for the NHL. This is what teams in last place should be doing: using their roster to set up their franchise in the future. It's not tanking, it's... "looking beyond this season." Okay, it's still kind of tanking, but I like the spin I put on it.

***

They're not letting O'Sullivan in on the joke.

Marc Crawford said yesterday that the Cammy-O'Sullivan-Frolov line will be staying together for today's game. I think it was a good move by Crawford to put those 3 together, but does he have to immediately give me a hernia by putting Scott Thornton and then Brian Willsie with Brown and Kopitar? Just give Ted Purcell one shot, please. I swear it'll work.

And benching Kyle Calder? What the hell? He hasn't played great offensively this season, but without him we have no one else to stand in front of the net for Frolov's power play unit. He does a good job fore-checking, allowing Handzus to stay with the more explosive forwards on the opposing team. Benching Kyle Calder while Jeff Giuliano, Scott Thornton, and Brian Willsie play is like.... it's like treating testicular cancer by cutting off your foot. Sometimes, I just don't know. You know what, I bet Calder plays with Kopitar now. That'd be just great.

Prediction: Commit to the Indian, my ass. Kings win, 8-3. Not quite as good as the last time they played, but pretty close. Goals by Brown (x2), Cammalleri (x2), Kopitar (x2), Stuart, and Matt Ellis.

Kings/Sharks Gameday: The Most Important Month of the Year

Los Angeles Kings (6-7, 3rd in Pacific) at San Jose Sharks (6-5-1, 1st in Pacific)

Kings Record in November: 0-0

7:30 PST, FSN Bay Area, NOT Fox Sports West

The Kings have been enjoying themselves so far, playing fun little games with teams from distant lands like Columbus, Vancouver, and Boston. Now the real season begins for the Pacific Division. Starting today, the Kings do not play a non-Pacific Division opponent until December 1^st. That’s 11 straight games. In fact, it’s pretty much like that for every Pacific team. This stretch is so important that I’d go as far to say that how the standings look at the end of November will probably reflect how they look at the end of the season.

Of course, since we’re going into such an important stretch, a King has to get injured. Kyle Calder will be out for about 2-4 weeks with a broken wrist and… wait, a month with a broken wrist? I’m sorry, I thought this was hockey, not golf. You don’t even shoot, Calder, you just let puck bounce off you. Quit being a baseball player and get your skates on.

Anyway, the Kings called up Matt Moulson (on his birthday, no less) to sit upstairs while Scott Thornton probably plays. Moulson spent four years at a little school called Cornell where he sang, along with Andy Bernard, in the a capella group Here Comes Treble. I doubt Moulson will ever become an important contributor to the Kings, but at least this’ll be something he can tell the grandkids about. Good for him.

Wait, wrong Molson...

The Kings go up against a Sharks team that’s really struggling to a… oh, wait, they’re 6-5-1. I thought with all the wailing wafting down from Northern California that they were 0-35-2. Patrick Marleau has struggled early in the season, tallying only 4 points in 12 games. Good thing he’s playing the Kings, his own personal slump-buster. Last season, Marleau had 13 points in 8 games against the Kings (including 7 goals), his best against any division opponent. I'm still not convinced Marleau knows how to talk (he might not even have a tongue), but he still scares me.

He communicates through dance, like a bee.

Being that these first two games are really important (division tests and all), of course they’re not going to be on television. I’m going up north this weekend to the land of microchips and marijuana so I thought I’d actually get to watch the game, but I guess people actually watch the Golden State Warriors so I’m probably shit outta luck. I could listen to the game on the radio, but who am I, Levi Strauss? I can’t sit there and just listen to a game, what the hell am I supposed to do with my eyes? Plus, TV has completely ruined my imagination to the point that it’s like… something.

I'm not using my brain like some sap!

Prediction: Kings win, 4-3, despite a 3-point effort by Marleau. Goals by Frolov (x2), Brown, and Lubo.