Special Guest Post: Marcel Goc

As most of you are aware, Marcel Goc writes for the San Jose Sharks website. His blog is, in a word, amazing. My pal Megalodon was able to convince Marcel to write a special post for you people here at Battle of California. Ladies and gentlemen, Marcel Goc.


Hello again and welcome to my blog. My name is Marcel. I hope you enjoy it.

I have been in Germany for the summer. It is nice to be home. California has nice weather but every day is the same. In Germany we have seasons, which I miss sometimes. But sunshine is nice too.

Many changes have happened for the team in the past few weeks! I haven't been paying much attention, but my good friend Christian Ehrhoff told me that he has re-signed with the team for three years. That is good. He is also from Germany, which is where I am from too.


I have been playing a lot of chess. I can usually beat my grandfather most of the time. He has a weak brain. He is 96.

My agent handles all the business stuff for me. He told me that we are going to do something called "arbitration." He said that means I will get more money. I do not really care. As long as I have hockey, chess, and SOCOM, I am fine. I would like to get into the lineup more though. I am a good player. I am definitely better than Jody Shelley, who has a name like a woman. He has a weak brain.

In Germany every July we have a big summer festival. It is kind of like July 4th in America, but instead of fireworks we throw stones in the air. When someone gets hit with a stone it is a sign of good luck for the year. It is lots of fun, especially for the children.


I am confused about one thing. When I look at the Sharks website roster, my name is not there. Did my name get taken off because of this "arbitration"? That makes me sad.

Well, I had better go now. Christian Ehrhoff is coming over and we are going to play SOCOM. I can usually beat him because he doesn't know how to concentrate. He has a weak brain.

Goc Woc!

Marcel Goc hasn't played in the Calgary series. Playing in his stead? Jody Shelley. (This is a travesty.) Is this because Ron Wilson needs Shelley's toughness, or is it because Goc needed more time devoted to his writing? I prefer to believe the latter. His latest entry details the team's routine in Calgary and features an exciting passage about Joe Thornton's game-winning goal in Game 4. An excerpt:

When Joe scored, we were already down in the lockerroom and we all jumped up. I still don’t know how the puck got back to Dougie for the shot.

Great stuff.




(This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but how long do you think it takes Marcel to write one of these things? I choose to believe that he spends an entire day working on it. I also like to think of him wearing a fedora and typing on a typewriter.)

The Problem with the San Jose Sharks

The Shark's inability to win in the playoffs is one of the more hilarious storylines in the NHL recently, and I think I've figured out the cause: they're all nerds. Without Scott Parker, there's not one single Shark that is a legitimate hockey player stereotype. (Well, Jeremy Roenick, but he's all the bad ones.) Let's go through the worst offenders:

"What's that? No, I like my hair like this. Hello?"

Joe Thornton: Joe Thornton has been the face of the team ever since he was acquired in 2005, which is appropriate because he seems like a huge goober. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to hang out with him (I totally would), it's just that he's a rube. I've seen him in 3 commercials so far: he's eating in 2 of them (the one where he keeps fucking up toast preparation is hilarious) and he's asking another man if his butt looks big in the other. Obviously, he's no Mark Messier. Well, he's probably the Mark Messier that cries all the time, but not the one that guarantees wins and then scores a hat trick and then has sex with your mother and all you can do is applaud his form. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Joe Thornton has an unhealthy body image.

Ayy!*

Patrick Marleau: I don't think Patrick Marleau knows how to talk. If someone told me he carried around a trumpet like the protagonist of The Trumpet of the Swan I wouldn't be surprised. Look at him, he looks like he's about to fall over at any moment. Plus, I have it on good authority that he once went to Water Park with two other Sharks when he was 25. I can't think of a single good reason for an adult male to go to a water park that doesn't end with an arrest for child abuse.

Ron Wilson: Ron Wilson wore a golf shirt the day before the Sharks played in a must-win game in last year's playoffs. That may not be bad, but it sure as hell isn't good.

Seriously, don't call me Doug!

Dog Murray (from Sweden): Dog Murray is awesome, but this interview kind of makes him look like a Mary. Seriously, who wants to go by Douglas? "Doug" is a pretty solid hockey name; "Douglas" is a 35 year-old 3rd grade teacher who still takes his laundry home to his mother. I don’t care if it sounds like "Dog" when they say it back in Sweden, my grandfather didn't lose his arm fighting those sons of bitches in the Crimean War so that they could mangle the English language. I swear, some of y'all people just ain't got no gadnum sense.

Milan Michalek: Milan?

Hello my name is Marcel would you like to play SOCOM?

Marcel Goc: The fact that he's named after a mime is bad enough, but Goc's real crime is his blog over at sjsharks.com. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore it, but if you read between the lines you realize that he's definitely a loser. For example (read these with a German accent for added hilarity):

My roommate is Christian Ehrhoff and he's an O.K. roommate. Really, he's great. He's quiet like me and we both like to read books and watch movies.

Today Mike Grier and I finished the USA Today crossword puzzle, so we were pretty excited. I do most of the writing and he figures out most of the words.

We Usually play PSP on the flights…. SOCOM is the game we play…. Wes Howard, our assistant trainer, isn't very good either because he just hides in the game.

(About the earthquake) I called my family and let them know we were o.k., but they hadn’t heard about it yet. My dad told me over there around 1970, they had an earthquake and he looked out a window to see a tower swaying.

We had Tuesday off because of the trip, but I didn’t do much. I got to my house about 3 a.m. after we flew in from Dallas and got up at 9:30 a.m. I came to the rink for a little bit, but just went home.

As Meg pointed out, that last one is kind of devastating if you think about it. Can't you imagine him sitting around at home, nothing to do, and then going to the rink and just kind of wandering around, looking for someone to talk to, then sighing and going home and sitting on his couch some more? Poor little guy. Still, nerd.

So there, that's the problem with the Sharks: they're nerds! I guess when you consider the region the Sharks play in, it all makes sense. San Jose is overrun with nerds, so what better way to attract them to your game than by featuring dorks?

*This picture is why I could not be an NHL GM, because I would absolutely refuse to draft someone who looked like that. He looks like he just told his doubles partner a delightful zinger about his butler's inability to make a proper martini. "And I said, 'Jeeves, if I invested as well as you made a drink, I'd be penniless!'"