Cue "Taps"

WOW. Someone just played Panic's entrance music. If things looked bad for the Stars just a few days ago, now the team is pondering meteor shower insurance. Rudy posted the news but if you have anti-scroll disease, Brenden Morrow is out for the season.

The Stars are effectively "fixed." As in they've been de-balled.

With Marty Turco having a mini-meltdown and Brad Richards giving weepy interviews in emo shirts, trading away Jussi Jokinen and Mike Smith is looking closer to Bochenski for Versteeg these days. Honestly, Richards had enough positive moments in the playoffs that he gained a ... sort of flattering nickname in the "Five Dollar Shake." No Pulp Fiction jokes for him now, though. Although perhaps a "do I LOOK like a bitch?" might work.

So, with chicken little getting on the first trip to DFW Airport, I thought it might be fun to look at the different ways this mess can shake out:

1. The put-your-head-between-your-legs-and-pray approach

The plane's losing cabin pressure. Oxygen masks just popped out over your head. Babies are crying. Virgins are tearing off each others clothes and all you can do is prepare for a fiery grave.


In the Stars case, they are hoping the after-life includes one of the top two draft picks. There seems to be some hockey nerd slap fights over who's going to be the number one pick, but it's pretty hard to imagine John Tavares suffering an Angelo Esposito-type fate (or Aaron Rogers type fate, for you hockey borderliners). But even if Tavares suffers from a Fannie Mae-ish drop in stock, the Stars could benefit from getting the next big hype machine (Tavares) or Victor Hedman, Sweden's answer to Zdeno Chara.

Let's face it, kids, Smokin' Sergei Zubov is aging as hastily as Meg Ryan (seriously, what butcher of a plastic surgeon made her lips into couch cushions?). Turco's struggles are well documented, but even if he rights the ship he's not exactly a young man either. And the Stars' offense is anchored by really old players (Modano) and guys who are hovering around the dreaded 30-zone (Morrow, Mike Ribeiro). (Oh, and of course douche bags like Sean Avery)

In other words, this might be the perfect time for the Stars to have a free fall to a high-end pick. Dallas doesn't have NHL draft savants like Detroit so those perpetual playoff runs and future mortgaging trades make it tough to bring in high-end offensive talent. The defense has some guys who still have a chance to be good again, but no Jack Johnson, no Erik Johnson or any other future franchise D guy not named Johnson.

So maybe the Stars can pull a San Antonio Spurs - a team that hovered around good for years, had one atrocious year and ended up with Tim Duncan. Just sayin'.

2. Us against the world?

Something tells me that Linda Cohn and Co. left the Stars bandwagon in a ditch somewhere in podunkia. Allowing awful end of the period goals, taking stupid penalties and generally shitting the bed means that the Stars can go back to being way under the radar.

Could that be a good formula for a rebound? Stranger things have happened and Morrow, despite his playoff heroics, was struggling too this season. *Shrug*

3. Liquidation time!!! Clearance sale!!! All underperforming players must GO!

Never hurts to dream.

Then again, the Stars COULD go apeshit and go into full-on rebuild mode. After all, the economy is shit and the crowds will get sparser by the meltdown. Carrying an expensive losing roster might not be feasible with the economy getting gang raped. And if nothing else, the Stars have some big contracts and big names who could actually have decent trade value.

Turco might not exactly be at his most valuable level, but he has a huge contract. Who knows ... maybe a miracle could happen and they could move him for Jason Spezza.

WOW! This is fun! Making up completely unsubstantiated rumors is almost as fan as playing Gears of War 2!

In all seriousness, the Stars could look to shop players (kinda doubt Turco will go anywhere though). Zubov is a high-skill, high-age guy who could be a splendid trading deadline candidate. Richards might be too expensive, but he's still a very talented player. Ribeiro is a tool and an injury faking douche. This is undeniable. But he's also been a point per game player. He actually was really good in the playoffs and didn't writhe around on the ice like an asshole last year.

Would there be anyone crazy enough to take Avery off their hands?

If there's anything the NHL has shown me, it's that stupid trades and free agent signings happen all the time. It would be nice if the Stars came out on the winning end this year.

-------------------------------------------------------

So, those seem to be the three paths the Stars can take. Without bias or any "research" to get in the way of my opinions. Hope you enjoyed it.

Brown's Hits on Robidas and Ribeiro

Brown doesn't knock Robidas over the boards, he knocks him above the boards. That's one of the better board shots you're going to see.





Brown got a 5-minute boarding major for this one. Like I pointed out during the off-season, Brown hardly ever gets penalties as a result of his hits and I don't really think this should have been 5 minutes. At the same time, however, Brown hit a guy on the numbers and his face hit the boards, so it's definitely boarding. It was mostly an accident and a result of Ribeiro flinching away from contact, but I wouldn't be too surprised if Brown got a one-game suspension out of it. Morrow got a penalty for instigation and is supposed to get a one-game suspension and a fine, but I assume the league will rescind it after considering the score and the situation.

Ribeiro had a really nice shootout goal and followed it up with pointless showboating, first putting his hand to his pouty lips to silence the crowd and then skating by the Kings bench and mouthing off. I love the idea of a guy talking smack when not 5 minutes earlier he was lying crumpled on the ice, but I guess that's what the Dallas Stars are now. I feel kind of bad for Mike Modano and Segei Zubov: those guys have been class acts their whole careers and have led that team to so much glory and now their twilight years are being spent surrounded by a bunch of crowing jackasses. Oh well, I'm sure they'll have a lot to crow about today, seeing as how they're sitting at the bottom of the Pacific Division.

The Dallas Stars star in: Vertigoal

What the Dallas Stars saw in place of Chris Osgood

When you're down 2-0 it can be hard to look on the bright side, but the Stars had to take a little something from tonight's closely played game. Marty Turco was both feisty and fantastic, as he's doing what he has to: punish the Red Wings for crashing his crease so that he doesn't get interfered with on a backbreaking powerplay goal.

I was unable to do a pre-game post, but I'm kind of glad because it would have been soaked in too-soon panic. But it's funny that my plan was to try to evoke the ghost of Battlin' Billy Smith. Low and behold, Smith's name was brought up as Turco was going semi-ballistic on Holmstrom and others. (Whichever Red Wing embellished in the second period Turco trip should get the gold medal for diving. He seriously looked like he got shot out of a frickin' cannon.)

Being down 2-0 is pretty terrible, but the Stars should keep the NBA playoffs in mind and remember that they can turn this series around with some clutch home wins. They now know that they can skate with the Wings, so they need to get it done (and for the love of God, get it on the net).

After an entertaining but still heartbreaking game 2 loss, it's time to play a little game of Good News/Bad News.

Good News

The Stars powerplay looked pretty good and featured a nice powerplay goal by Robo-das.

Bad News

The Red Wings powerplay scored another goal, making it four on the series. And their other powerplays looked pretty scary. Basically, when the puck goes to Nicklas Lidstrom, every Stars fan's sphincter gets uncomfortably tight.

Good News

Mike Ribeiro was fantastic in this game. He was able to stickhandle past Red Wings defenders all. game. long.

Bad News

On McRib's two breakaways, Osgood closed the 5 hole faster than a cocktease and made it look easy. And Ribeiro might get suspended on top of all that.

Good News

The Stars were able to create plenty of scoring chances in the beginning of the game.

Bad News

When the Red Wings decided to shut the game down, the Stars were basically buried in the third period.

Good News

2-0 is always hard to come back from, but I don't think the Stars are completely dead just yet.

Really Bad News

It was so obvious the Red Wings were going to win this game, the writing of this post began in the middle of the third period.

And I never doubted it. So that can't be good. My pre-series prediction was busted purchasing smack by an undercover cop shortly after the game.

Not sure if this will make anyone feel any better, but maybe you can distract yourself with this Vertigo-inspired music video by my favorite band from the state of California, Faith No More.

Red Wings - Stars Part 2: some juicy storylines

Expect a more thorough breakdown of the D and O groups for both teams on Wednesday. For today I thought I'd just take a free-form approach to some of the more interesting subplots of a rivalry renewed.

1. How good are Ribeiro and Morrow, really?

The resounding rise of Ribeiro and Morrow is one of the most interesting stories of this year's postseason alongside Not Ready for Primetime Price, Malkin sort of upstaging Crosby and the unexpected explosion of Johan Franzen.

McRib silenced, or at least befuddled, many of his critics who remember him only for his shameful MENSA moment years ago in that surprisingly memorable series against Joe Thornton's Boston Bruins. After gathering a nice amount of momentum last season, Ribeiro put up a career-best season with 83 points in 76 games (not to mention a fantastic plus-21). He was so good, in fact, that he tied Marian Gaborik for 5th place in scoring among Western Conference forwards.

Naturally, the question was whether or not he could keep that going when the ice became clogged like Ken Hitchcock's post-cheese steak arteries. All but his greatest admirers doubted that he could maintain his level of play being that his previous playoff high in points was a measly 3.

To his credit, Ribeiro maintained his fantastic chemistry with Brenden Morrow. He is now tied for second place in playoff scoring with the likes of Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin! Ribeiro is flourishing thanks to the scoring depth provided by Brad Richards and the space Morrow creates with his gutsy style of play.

Ribeiro's playoff year reminds me of the year Eric Staal had during the Hurricanes' unlikely Stanley Cup run. Naturally, Staal didn't have quite the same baggage that Ribeiro does, but both players produced well beyond even the most optimistic projections. And like Staal, Ribeiro is doing even better when every goal and assist matters the most. But yet, if Ribeiro's team wins the Cup, he'll most likely be an honorable mention for the Smythe...

...because of the balls-to-the-wall, all over the ice play of their hearty Canadian captain. In this case, Morrow takes the place of Rod Brind'amour. With Ribeiro and Morrow clicking together at such a high level, Morrow produced the best year of his career, hitting a new high in points (74) while limiting his penalty minutes to an ideal-for-power-forward number of 105.

Statistically, the Morrow-Ribeiro line ranks as one of the best in the NHL at this moment in time but you never hear them spoken about in the hushed tones reserved for superstars. So, really, where on the NHL totem pole do they rank?

If they can keep producing against the likes of Nicklas Lidstrom and that fragile but talented Kronwall kid, then I think it would be about time that hockey pundits give sizzle (Ribeiro) and steak (Morrow) their hard-earned dap.

2. Mike Modano, checking center?

You'll rarely, if ever, hear hockey fanatics (outside of Dallas) refer to Modano as a hockey icon. But Modano is to the Stars what Mario Lemieux was to the Penguins and Steve Yzerman was to the Detroit Red Wings. My guess is that most people are jealous of his almost incomparably awesome life.

Still, if you need a reason to feel like life's not always been on a gravy road with biscuit wheels for Modano, I submit this bit of circumstantial evidence. Edit: After seeing the comments, I'd like to express to you the importance in watching the entire clip. Especially if you hate Mike Modano (thanks Anonymous poster)...

Mikey Mo certainly has taken his fair share of licks, as many Dallas fans/Calgary farmboys would say. I actually think the Yzerman-Modano parallel is quite apt, and not just because it will probably enrage zany, octopus chucking Wingheads.

Both guys are synonymous with their franchises. To this day, if you asked a random Dallas resident on the street what they think about when they hear Dallas Stars, most of them would probably say "Mike Modano." When you're with a team for as long as he has been (seriously, he was a Minnesota North Star...) you're going to have some lowlights to go along with the highlights, and it's been well publicized that Modano wasn't too pleased when they gave the C to Morrow.

Still, you'd be batshit crazy to criticize Modano if you're a Stars fan. Much like Yzerman, Modano eventually agreed to sacrifice offensive numbers and played a solid two-way game to lead his club to a hard fought Stanley Cup.

And much like Stevie Y, it's disgusting to imagine Modano in another uniform (which almost happened with Boston).

He still is one of the best skaters on one of the best skating teams in the NHL, which is an accomplishment in itself. Modano still shows his offensive prowess every now and then, but his main duty is harassing the Joe Thorntons of the world and he's done a more than admirable job.

If you're picking the greatest American hockey player of all time, is it Chris Chelios, Mike Richter, Jeremy Roenick, Brendan Shanahan or even Joe Mullen? Or could it be that the greatest talent ever developed by the old U-S-of-A might be the very guy who owns the all-time points record for a red, white and bluer? He at least needs to be on the USA Hockey Mount Rushmore (although some would probably argue that it would just feature Herb Brooks, Mike Eruzione and their big-screen dopplegangers)

3. Can Turco get yet another monkey off of his back?

4. Is this Johan Franzen character for real?

Before the days of the salary cap, the Red Wings were either the New York Yankees or Los Angeles Lakers of the NHL, depending on which teams you grew up hating the most. Along with the Avalanche and a handful of other teams, they'd always poach the Ray Bourques during the trade deadline and were the easy Goliath to root against.

Now that the Red Wings must play fair and stay under the cap, it's harder to hate them (though by no means impossible). But there's one element that still links them with the Yankees. There's a well worn cliche that players who were once lost causes somehow find a second life when they put on the pinstripes.

The beautiful "Original Six" jersey of the Red Wings often has the effect on players, as guys seem to come out of nowhere when they put on a jersey that seems equal parts elegant, Freudian and Russian.

While Franzen isn't a perfect example of that, he definitely seems to add another layer of validity to the hockey factory feel of the Red Wings. They always seem to find gems late in the draft - whether it's Henrik Zetterberg or Nicklas Lidstrom. Since the Red Wings series lacked substantial drama (although there was a brief bit of intrigue against the Predators), I haven't been able to catch the Wings that much in this year's playoffs. Still from what I've heard Franzen's hot streak started quite a while before the playoffs started, so he might simply be on fire.

This is bad news for the Stars, who will have their hands full with two absolute superstars in Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk.

5. Henrik Zetterberg looks like Jared Leto. And so does Ryan Miller

Am I right? Tell me I'm right...

That picture of Jared Leto (middle) was the worst I could find of the "Fight Club" actor/semi-decent lead singer of 30 Seconds to Mars (searching for Danica Patrick and Willa Ford > Jared Leto). Well, uh...make that the...uh...almost worst photo I could find.

Good lord.

I Don't Recognize This Team

What is this team I have been watching for the last 3 games? It certainly is not the team I have been watching all season. Even during their inconsistent Round 1 you saw glimpses of brilliance. I don't recognize anyone in teal in this series. This series is pretty easy to figure out. Dallas forechecks the hell out of our D. Our D coughs it up and Dallas capitalizes. The odd thing is that the people making the errors are players I never thought would have problems. Grier looks in a daze making terrible decisions with the puck and in the defensive zone. Was I just seeing things or did he just let Ribeiro just skate around on the game winning goal in OT? Sure, Dallas is getting all the bounces, but you know what they say "you create your own luck." All during the third period and OT I never thought we were going to win. I can remember only once good scoring chance (Milan in OT) in the 3rd period or OT. The whole team is just skating around in a fog. You see Ron Wilson on the bench yelling "wake up" to the team but no reaction. It seems that this team has tuned him out and has no motivation to play for him or each other. I am just at a loss for words to describe this team.

Almost there...

The playoffs are almost upon us and things haven't really been looking particularly swell for the Stars since Brad Richards' ridiculous 5 point debut.

This is one of the strongest Stars teams in years, at least if their defense can get somewhat healthy, but if they draw the Ducks (they would if the playoffs started today) then it could be yet another ball breaking first round bed crapping.

But as difficult as that would be to watch, remember Stars fans, it could be worse (see: above).

Informal Poll:

Which all-time Stars YouTube moment is more embarrassing, the Ribeiro Emmy Award winning performance or...this?

Ouch. You gotta love how Ferraro just buries Stefan. Not surprisingly, Stefan's floating around somewhere in Europe, hoping those fans are too poor to afford access to YouTube and the Internet.

But, hey, chin up. It could ALWAYS be worse.

"Don't go sucking each other's popsicles just yet"

I just got done watching the surprisingly funny sitcom 30 Rock, so I thought it would be fun to compile a pro and con list for the Stars’ highest scoring forward Mike Ribeiro. (I'd love feeedback on anything I miss, since I'm merely hitting the highlights)

The reason is pretty obvious: the Stars recently announced that they signed Ribeiro to a 5 year, $25 million contract.

So, much like Tina Fey sizing up her hapless boyfriend (starring the Irish guy from Oz, excitingly enough), I will examine why the Stars long-term relationship with MR will be both good and bad.

Pro

The contract isn’t in the Mike Richards/Rick Dipietro marriage contract ballpark, so that’s good.

Con

Still, you have to wonder if he won’t pull a Brad Richards or Miikka Kiprusoff and crap the bed after getting a cushy deal. Especially since he's not exactly going to break slumps with gritty goal scoring or a momentum turning Jarome Iginla-style fight.

Pro

$5 million a year isn’t a bad value for a player who leads your team in scoring. Especially since the team in question manufactures goals about as well as people harvest crops in the movie Idiocracy (translation: not well).

Con

Ribeiro is different from the Stars forwards in a lot of ways, but the same in the worst: he’s completely impotent in the playoffs. In 24 playoff games spread out between 3 postseasons (two with Montreal, one with Dallas) he’s managed a pathetic 2 goals and 8 points. That’s a point per 3 games. Yikes.

Pro

He’s about to turn 28, so this contract covers his prime years.

Con

His career high is 65 pts, during the 2003-04 season. Even if he's on the best points pace of his career, you'd be foolish to expect much more than a 70 point per season average, and that's if he's healthy. For a player who has sort of a "sexy" feel to his game, his stats aren't exactly of the bombshell variety.

Pro

With Modano’s career winding down, Ribeiro will carry the torch as being the creative forward teams game plan against when they face the Stars and for good reason: he’s a smooth, imaginative player who can make defensemen look absolutely silly.

There's never a bad time to show this photo.

Con

His name will always be tarnished for the awful display he made during that infamous 2004 playoff series against the Boston Bruins. His embellishment was seizure-like; something that even the most secular hockey fan has to believe has some sort of negative karmic impact.

Can the Stars go to war with this guy?

One bad omen: his contract strikes an eerie resemblance to that of oft-maligned Pens d-man Sergei Gonchar.

So, much like any contract extension, Stars fans should be guardedly optimistic.

After signing Ribs (I’m just going to assume that’s his nickname. That or Ribby. Rib-eye? Ribbed for her pl…OK I’ll stop…) to a reasonable contract and beating the Wild for their first win of 2008, things are looking good.

But they’d have to consult their friends in Detroit if they want to talk about greatness.

Resurgent Mike Ribeiro

Quick note: I know it's The Battle of California, but let's face it: the Dallas Stars are pretty damn relevant to the BoC. Really, the Pacific Division is basically BoC + Stars (yes, that means I'm completely disregarding the Coyotes).

Since we have Rudy Kelly writing some great day-to-day Kings stuff and I live in the Dallas area, it occurred to me that some Stars coverage seems reasonable. As you can see from the Jack Johnson post, I'll still write some Kings stuff from time to time. That being said, for an undetermined amount of time I'll be supplying some Stars stuff.

Keep in mind a few things: 1. I'm not a Stars fan. I don't hate them (always) but I think they're pretty boring (almost always); 2. I know quite a bit about the Stars, but by no means am I a comprehensive source of Stars knowledge.

Anyway, consider this my first post as a Stars correspondent, although I've written things already, including a hastily drawn analogy between Peyton Manning and Marty Turco...

When most hockey fans think of Mike Ribeiro, they picture a famous scene from a Montreal Canadiens playoff game. After taking some penalty-worthy blow, Ribeiro was seen writhing on the ice in pain...only to come up smiling.

Despite his talent, there was probably more talk about his Razzie-award worthy performance than any feats of playoff dominance. His career playoff totals are pretty abysmal:

17 Games, 2 goals, 3 assists and 18 PIM, according to hockeydb.com. No Cups and some embarrassing moments of inspired diving and writhing.

So, naturally, when I heard of the trade that sent him to Dallas, I had a few hearty snickers. Not only was the notorious Ribeiro involved in the trade, but so was Janne Niinimaa, whose claim to fame rests in his atrocious defensive responsibility and amusing tendency to take emo team photos.

The trade seemed like one of the most common in the NHL: exchanging a headache for a cancer. (Hey, Rib, at least you're not a cancer...right?)

Anyway, there wasn't much that changed my mind at first, especially not when a graphic artist I was talking to referred to Ribeiro as "Mr. Fancy Pants." But we'll let that one slide.

That being said, there's been a decided change in the play of Ribeiro, especially lately. In the last 10 games, he scored 11 pts (6 Goals, 5 assists) and 2 of his 3 GWGs. In the last two games against the admittedly irrelevant Coyotes, he scored 6 points.

His improvement is showing up on the scoresheet, but the best thing for the Stars is that he's consistently been a force on the ice. His blend of playmaking and sublime stickhandling is elevating his game to the playoff-friendly "DearGodjusthookhimandgetitoverwith" level.

Could MR FP end up groaning and writhing his way to another piss-poor playoff run, especially on the postseason-ally challenged Stars? It's a strong possibility. Still, with the rejuvenation of Ribeiro and the acquistion of Ladislav Nagy, the Stars finally have some scoring depth beyond American Hero Mike Modano.

The Stars postseason dreams don't just lie on the shoulders of Turco and Modano.

And on that note, let me leave you with this shameless photo from www.dallasstars.com:

Jere Let's it in! Get it? Kill me...