Bad Puns III: The Sanford Mask Contest

Well, I may finally be out of the hockey-photoshop-contest woods. There were three nearly-simultaneous blogger-led contests out there, and as an avid supporter of web nonsense, I've now participated in all three. Here's my previous efforts towards Bettman heroism (Puck Daddy) and Gretzky negativity (The Pensblog).

And now we get to Curtis Sanford's mask, which is actually an official Canucks-sponsored contest, but has also received a side-push by Dr. Mirtle. Before we take a look at my offerings, I should note two things: (a) I'm not submitting any of these into the official contest, but if anyone feels like stealing, I won't protest. (b) As such, I've slacked a bit on production value here: I created a transparent mask template and mostly overlayed it on images. Most of these could use a touch-up.

Still, I'm not that upset with the outcomes. Let's take a tour, shall we?:

Submission #1: Playing Behind Luongo

Why not show off the reason why this helmet won't get any airtime?
Well, I'm not sure how well Sanford would enjoy wearing a Luongo-themed helmet, but at least it offers him an easy comeback: "You'd be benched, too!" I don't know if it's that clever, but hey, it's honest.

Submission #2: Learn Your Goalie History

The final version of this will feature a chalkboard so the save-differential can be updated.
Ah, yes. Ranford vs. Sanford. I picked saves as a category only because it offered a comically high number that could be updated throughout a Sanford-played game. Plus it offers a nice humble look at Sanford's paltry place in the history of goaltending.

Submission #3: Sanford's Labyrinth

Can you navigate your way to this guy's five-hole?
You know, it's kind of difficult coming up with good puns for the name "Sanford", given that I always avoid the most obvious choices (Sanford & Son, Stanford University). This pun is way half-assed, but perhaps the maze design can help confuse shooters. Also confusing? When Sanford gives you a root baby to help with your mother's childbirthing.

Submission #4: The Helmet About Nothing

A double-headed pun here: Sanfeld? Seinford?
On the other hand, I do really like this pun, but the design could have had a little more time put into it. I think this helmet should also have a little computer chip built into it, and whenever anything hits Sanford's mask, it could play the bass guitar Seinfeld theme. Whatever the design, I will say this: a bald Demitra makes for a fabulous Costanza.

For these last two designs, I have to give inspirational credit to fellow BoCer Mike Chen, who threw me a few bones on my quest for Sanford silliness:

Submission #5: Things Could Be Worse

Ah, a hockey photoshop classic.
"At least I'm not Cloutier." That really should be a positive mantra for all of us, and I think the message would resonate strongly with a memory-haunted Vancouver fanbase.

Submission #6: The Crawford Hair Helmet

This is just a prototype. The actual version would involve real hair.
And finally, another call-back to Vancouver's not-too-distant past. The Crawford Hair Helmet could allow the gelled-up hair-monster be a fixture on the Canucks bench once again. Of course, there'd probably be some debate about how much hair could be used; I'm quite sure the zero-fashion-sense competition committee would try to set some limits.

So there you have it. Six offerings with a wide range of brilliance, all that have roughly zero chance of making it to the big leagues (not unlike Sanford's chances of being a regular starter for Vancouver). Like 'em? Hate 'em? I don't care; at least I'm done with obligatory photoshops.

'Tis the season for hockey photoshop contests

Wow. Well in the wake of Puck Daddy's wildly successful Gary Bettman Photoshop Contest (230 submissions, not even counting my own), I guess art contests have become the blogger rage to help cope with the dead days of August. Of course, as a hockey-photoshop fiend myself, I wholly endorse all creative endeavors in this field, so I'm here to highlight both of the current contests before even starting on my own entries.

Contest #1: The guy with the most free time in the NHL is seeking your help to design his goalie mask.

King of bloggers James Mirtle has this one covered, but Curtis Sanford, the Canucks' backup to Roberto Luongo, is having a team-sponsored contest for fans to design his mask. To put it in Ducks terms, Sanford is the modern-day version of Danny Sabourin, the guy who occasionally gets called in when Luongo has to take an overtime shit in a playoff elimination game.

The winner of the actual Canucks contest stands to have his art featured up to six times this season, but if you're clever enough, you might even get featured on Mirtle's site, which may represent more eyeballs. Or if you have no skills but want to suggest an idea, I'm certainly not above stealing. Or whatever, if you feel like doing a Duck, King, Shark, or Star design, we'll show 'em here.

Follow the Mirtle link above to find the mask template. Deadline is August 25th.

Contest #2: It's about time the best player in the history of hockey got taken down a notch, right?

If Mirtle's the King, these guys are the Joker. The Pensblog, sick and tired of all the Great One's infallability, have put together a simple challenge: "The task is simple, make photoshops that depict Wayne Gretzky in a negative way or just make fun of him."

And why not? If there's 230 heroic aspects of Gary Bettman, there's surely a million negative facets to Wayne Gretzky. There's no template required for this one, so have fun with that one, if you're photoshop-inclined. I'll warn you, though -- the photoshoppers reading The Pensblog are a sharp and talented bunch -- if you think you won't measure up, send 'em our way and we'll show 'em here too. Deadline is August 24th.

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So now that I've promoted these contests, check back in nearer to the deadlines and I'll put together my "brains" and my "talent" and we'll see what emerges. Perhaps I'll get rushed and draw a combination-entry hockey helmet featuring the old lesbian telling Pronger's wife to get the fuck out of Edmonton. Or perhaps I'll just do a series of Gretzky movie posters.

Yeah, I know. Suspense sucks.

Go Ducks.

Ducks Gameday—Bertuzzi: more notorious than productive

Anaheim Ducks (11-9-4, t-3rd in west) at Vancouver Canucks (12-9-2, t-3rd in west)

I am sick as a dog today, so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Tonight will be Todd Bertuzzi's first game against Vancouver since he was traded away for Luongo, plus it will be Anaheim's first game against the Canucks since eliminating them in five games last spring. Of course there's plenty of reaction from the Vancouver side of things: Canucks and Beyond, Canucks Hockey Blog, the Yankee Canuck, Orland Kurtenblog, and Waiting for Stanley all have some pregame that's much less congested.

While I understand why Todd Bertuzzi gets the spotlight today, it should be noted that Duck fans are still waiting to get some acceptable production out of the $4 M monster; despite playing the easiest 5-on-5 minutes on the Ducks, Bertuzzi has the team's worst 5-on-5 goals-against rate. Here's a comparison to the guy with the toughest 5-on-5 minutes in the league (source: Behind the Net, min. games = 5, min. TOI = 5).

Todd Bertuzzi, 10 games played
EVEN STRENGTH:
Strength of Opposition: -0.18 (589 / 628)
Strength of Teammates: -0.31 (565 / 628)
Plus per hour: +2.44, Minus per hour: -3.05, Diff per hour: -0.61

Sammy Pahlsson, 19 games played
EVEN STRENGTH:
Strength of Opposition: +0.33 (1 / 628)
Strength of Teammates: -0.23 (510 / 628)
Plus per hour: +1.69, Minus per hour: -1.44, Diff per hour: +0.24

We'll see how well Bertuzzi is able to pull a season together, but at this point, he's got a lot of improving to do. Carlyle has sheltered his minutes as best as he can, now Bert has got to find a way to start outscoring some of the worst opposition in the league.

See also: my poem about Bertuzzi's concussion and my Bertuzzi-inspired comic book series.

Prediction: Lost a little bit in this preview is the fact that Roberto Luongo has only managed to beat J.S. Giguere once in eight tries last year, and that victory took two overtime periods to achieve. He's still the only goaltender to beat Giguere in a playoff OT game, but other than that has had a real difficult time being the better goaltender when going head-to-head. Giguere keeps the Luongdomination going tonight: Ducks 4, Canucks 2. Goals by Kunitz, Sutherby, Pahlsson, and Schneider; Bertuzzi finishes a -2.

Go Ducks.

So much for that...

I never thought it would happen, but it did. I got attached to the Dallas Stars.

The moment that Trevor "Seriously, I only score big goals. I don't score any other goals but big ones." Linden made it 2-1, I started feeling depressed. And when I saw American Hero Mike Modano with tears rolling down his pop-star shagging face, I got REALLY depressed.

All apologies for my lack of posting over this crucial Stars (near) comeback, but believe me, I was watching at the edge of my seat (which, by the way, is apparently far away from a computer).

For now, I'll leave you with a hodgepodge of thoughts. As far as future Stars posting, I'd like to do so, especially since Rudy Kelly is the Roberto Luongo to my Marty Turco when it comes to Kings posts.

(OK, maybe Luongo to Roman Cechmanek.)

Anyway, here's the hodgepodge as promised:

• I'm not the first person to mention this, as 1310 The Ticket covered this base. But in case you didn't get access to the My 27 telecast of the Stars game, a considerable moment of announcer-based jinxing occurred. The channel featured a graphical overlay detailing Turco's crazy shutout streak, ignorantly looking past the fact that the Canucks were outshooting the Stars 12-1 at that point in the 2nd period . If that wasn't enough, Razor Reaugh just about put "the whammy" on Turco by saying that nothing short of an accident would allow a goal to squeak past Turco. In that same minute, Henrik Sedin "accidentally" scored a nice one-timer PP goal on Turco. Whoops.


• By my completely unscientific count, Luongo easily had 2 "You've-gotta-be-kidding me" saves per game in this series. His save on Stu Barnes in the 3rd period was outright astounding.


• Here's my "No Shit" observation: Turco wasn't at fault. In fact, Razor Reaugh and company were wise to point out an interesting fact about Turco's collegiate career: he was 9-2 in elimination games at the University of Michigan. Time to blame Tippett.


• Boucher was a disappointment in this series.


• Norstrom came as advertised: he was a very solid and (counter to my regular season observations) noticable defensive player. He drew a key penalty by taking the puck deep into the Canucks zone and did a great job throughout the series.


• So much for the resurrection of Markus Naslund. Two seasons ago, he was my first-round pick in a fantasy hockey draft. Now he'd be lucky to be my third LW. Naslund might be the last person in hockey to think that Todd Bertuzzi has anything to offer the world.


• Someone needs to introduce the Canucks to the front of the net. Or they should at least find a couple of North American scoring threats.

• Luongo or not, the New York Rangers are probably the only team in the second round that I'd rather face than the Canucks.


• People with time on your hands, please research this for me. Turco shut out the Canucks three times in this series. Has any team lost a playoff match where the goalie got 2 shutouts, let alone 3? Crazy.

Now, if you don't mind me I'm just going to cry take care of my itchy eyes.