Throwing Down the Gauntlet

The Stars made like The Undertaker and sat up unexpectedly against the Red Wings (I can almost imagine Ken Hitchcock as Paul Bearer - all you need is an urn and some makeup). So, for the second time in this playoffs, I have decided to break out some lucky charms:

Brett Hull's lucky rabbit foot-in-the crease

The exorcised beard trimmings of Mike Modano

...And the combined might of Dave Tippett and Hitch's 'staches!!

Beat that, Ted Nugent!

Some of the best (or worst) commercial cameos with sport stars

In case you haven't been trolling the hockey blogosphere, the unintentionally hilarious performances of Colby Armstrong, Maxim Talbot, Sergei Gonchar and Evgeni Malkin have generated a lot of harsh criticisms from some of the most respected hockey bloggers. If you haven't seen it you owe it to yourself to watch it (I think I watched it about 7 times in a row out of amazement). Another big find by the unbeatable James Mirtle.

But I have to say, Eric McErlain was being a little unfair to the Pens. After all, DC is home to perhaps the most absurdly entertaining local ad campaigns I've ever seen in the form of the Eastern Motors commercials. Behold:

I thought I'd also include Troy Aikman's Wing Stop commercials since I've probably made 2-3 jokes about it on this blog. And hopefully to make anyone who's reading this around lunch uncomfortably hungry. You're welcome.

(Now THAT'S how you nail a local spot. Be the only person in the ad who isn't cripplingly corny. Only "considerably corny" by my count)

Anyway, I'd love people to link some of the funniest BoC area spots they've seen. Since this should be about the Stars I'll concede this half decent Brendan Morrow commercial from the Dallas Stars All-Star voting promos which also included Sergei Zubov making a stilted Office Space reference:

(Note to self: in order to complete my evil plan of becoming Stars co-GM, I must rise to the position of Ambassador of Fun. Screw all that Assistant GM/law school nonsense!)

"Don't go sucking each other's popsicles just yet"

I just got done watching the surprisingly funny sitcom 30 Rock, so I thought it would be fun to compile a pro and con list for the Stars’ highest scoring forward Mike Ribeiro. (I'd love feeedback on anything I miss, since I'm merely hitting the highlights)

The reason is pretty obvious: the Stars recently announced that they signed Ribeiro to a 5 year, $25 million contract.

So, much like Tina Fey sizing up her hapless boyfriend (starring the Irish guy from Oz, excitingly enough), I will examine why the Stars long-term relationship with MR will be both good and bad.

Pro

The contract isn’t in the Mike Richards/Rick Dipietro marriage contract ballpark, so that’s good.

Con

Still, you have to wonder if he won’t pull a Brad Richards or Miikka Kiprusoff and crap the bed after getting a cushy deal. Especially since he's not exactly going to break slumps with gritty goal scoring or a momentum turning Jarome Iginla-style fight.

Pro

$5 million a year isn’t a bad value for a player who leads your team in scoring. Especially since the team in question manufactures goals about as well as people harvest crops in the movie Idiocracy (translation: not well).

Con

Ribeiro is different from the Stars forwards in a lot of ways, but the same in the worst: he’s completely impotent in the playoffs. In 24 playoff games spread out between 3 postseasons (two with Montreal, one with Dallas) he’s managed a pathetic 2 goals and 8 points. That’s a point per 3 games. Yikes.

Pro

He’s about to turn 28, so this contract covers his prime years.

Con

His career high is 65 pts, during the 2003-04 season. Even if he's on the best points pace of his career, you'd be foolish to expect much more than a 70 point per season average, and that's if he's healthy. For a player who has sort of a "sexy" feel to his game, his stats aren't exactly of the bombshell variety.

Pro

With Modano’s career winding down, Ribeiro will carry the torch as being the creative forward teams game plan against when they face the Stars and for good reason: he’s a smooth, imaginative player who can make defensemen look absolutely silly.

There's never a bad time to show this photo.

Con

His name will always be tarnished for the awful display he made during that infamous 2004 playoff series against the Boston Bruins. His embellishment was seizure-like; something that even the most secular hockey fan has to believe has some sort of negative karmic impact.

Can the Stars go to war with this guy?

One bad omen: his contract strikes an eerie resemblance to that of oft-maligned Pens d-man Sergei Gonchar.

So, much like any contract extension, Stars fans should be guardedly optimistic.

After signing Ribs (I’m just going to assume that’s his nickname. That or Ribby. Rib-eye? Ribbed for her pl…OK I’ll stop…) to a reasonable contract and beating the Wild for their first win of 2008, things are looking good.

But they’d have to consult their friends in Detroit if they want to talk about greatness.

Catching up...a bit

Well, it's been a long, long LONG time since I've written about hockey, the Stars and the BoC. I've been in DC for months, with very little exposure to hockey (my housemates watched plenty of Versus, unfortunately it was of the rodeo and low budget UFC-ish league variety).

You'd think I would have been able to soak in all things Ovechkin, but I never had a chance to go to a game and only watched a few on TV. My, mostly unfair, thoughts about the Caps can be summarized real quick, as I know BoCers care little of the DC puckers:

1. Maybe this is due to my Crosby fawning, but although I endorse Alex O's talent, I wonder if he's not just a bulked up Pavel Bure. Yes, he makes my brain explode at times with his goal scoring ability. But I feel like he's one of those NBA shoot-first point guards at times: just as likely to shoot his team in the foot and turn over the ball/puck over badly as he is likely to score a breathtaking highlight reel goal.

I don't know if he's really going to be a winner and I don't know if he makes his teammates much better. He almost reminds of Washington's other fawned over, flawed superstar Gilbert Arenas.

2. That Bakstrom kid is really good.

3. When it comes to disappointment, V. Kozlov is like saying "Bertuzzi" in Russian.

4. No one in Washington DC seems to care about any of this. And the ones who do happen to make up its jawdropping blogosphere, most notably Eric McErlain. If not for Ovie, they wouldn't deserve so many bloggers.

Anyway, a lot of big developments have passed me by for the most part. I still need to do a double take whenever I watch a Stars' road game, with those weird Reebok demons (pictured above)

Ex-GM Doug Armstrong is replaced by a duo that includes...Bret Hull? Strange.

The Stars remain near the top of the Pacific. I'm starting to associate them with other teams who are experts at merely entering the playoffs: the pre-lockout St. Louis Blues, the long ago KC Chiefs. Might as well call them the Dallas Schottenheimers.

Anyway, I'll be around more frequently (though I still lack a stable Internet relationship) to throw some Stars and general NHL-related thoughts in when I can.