Kings Gameday: Poor Fro

LA Kings (10-11-3) vs. Edmonton Oilers (11-11-2)

7:30 PST, Fox Sports West


To recap: Sean O'Donnell takes a boneheaded penalty and giftwraps a goal for the other team? Right back on the ice. Dustin Brown takes a bad penalty with the team already down a man? Right back on the ice. Alex Frolov misses an assignment and costs the team a goal? Benched for the rest of the game (despite the fact that the team is down a goal and Fro leads the team in goals), swathed in the red jersey of the 4th liner, and forced into a one-on-one meeting with Terry Murray. That's kind of fucked up. That's like suspending the straight-A kid for talking out of turn. I hope he wasn't sad, that would break my heart.

The Kings haven't been scoring recently, with pretty much all the scoring coming from the Stoll-Handzus-Frolov line. Brownitar has been absent from view since Kyle Calder re-joined their line (I think I should have another line naming contest: Used Condom seems appropriate) and the O'Sullivan/Moller combo doesn't quite have enough juice to feast on the underbelly of other teams. Want to hear a crazy, not true theory of mine? The Kings don't want to bring up Ted Purcell because he has a lot of performance bonuses in his contract and the Kings don't want to pay for them. Insane, but possibly true.

The Kings just had a player's only meeting to try to uncover why they can't put the puck in the GD net, so we'll see how that goes tonight. Something needs to happen, though, because the Kings look pretty terrible right now.

***

If one person boos Lubo tonight, I will freak the fuck out. I will find them and kick them square in the ass.

Prediction: Kings win, 3-2. Goals by Frolov (x3). Then he talks out of turn and gets benched.

Kings Gameday: Dean Lombardi is a Dead Man

LA Kings (8-9-3) @ Edmonton Oilers (9-9-2)

7:00 PST, NHL Network, TSN


What is up, douche bags? This is Lubomir Visnovsky, El Diablo, and I'm running things around here from now on. You may be thinking, "Hey, where's Rudy Kelly?" Well, last time I saw that sniveling son of a bitch he was running towards the Arizona boarder with his pants around his ankles pleading for me to not shoot him in the back, so I don't think you're going to be seeing him for a while. (Not so funny with piss running down you leg, are ya Rudy?) Now I'm in charge, and I'm going to share the real story behind my stay in Los Angeles, and why I am going to get Dean Lombardi.

What? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I was born on the mean streets of Topolcany, Czechoslovakia. We were so poor we couldn't even pronounce the name of our growing up. I was good at 2 things: shooting pucks and killing capitalists. Naturally, I had the opportunity to do one more than the other in Slovakia, but I still tried to shoot pucks whenever I could. This is funny: this one time a guy owed a buddy of mine some money, so I went over to his house while he was sleeping and shot him in front of his kids. It was hilarious. Anyway, eventually I got drafted by the Kings and came over to Los Angeles because I was ready for a new challenge and also things were getting a little hot for me in Slovakia. So I packed up my glock, my tech 9 and my cookboook recipe (I make an excellent cookie) and I headed to LA.

Big pimpin'.

I quickly made LA my town. I had a special corner of the locker room where I made my business deals and baked and my teammates knew better than to get in my way. When they did, they were either left injured (right, Adam Deadmarsh?) or dead (RIP, Jason Allison). Sean Avery made the mistake of crossing me (I don't look like a child, mother fucker!) and had to be traded to prevent his own demise. I'll get him, though. (Here's a hint, Sean: it rhymes with "bomb!") I "convinced" Lombardi to bring over a couple of my associates, like Ladislav Nagy and Pavol Demitra, but they quickly wore out their welcome. I'm a lone wolf. I even got a contract extension from that rat Lombardi. He claims the contract talks weren't fair, but if he can't take a gun to his head than I don't want to play for him. Life was good for me.

Then, out of nowhere, that son of a bitch traded me the day before my no-trade clause kicked in. Not even that, to fucking Edmonton! Have you ever been to Edmonton? How the hell am I supposed to smoke crack up here if the shit freezes? I can't even find a proper ho because they all have this thin layer of blubber to protect from the cold. I hate it almost as much as I hate Dean Lombardi. I don't even know what I did that upset him so much; I mean, I did sleep with his wife, but that's not a big deal in Slovakia. Is it a big deal here?

PIC. He's dead now.

Dean Lombardi. You're dead, hombre. You messed with the wrong Slovakian and I'm going to make you pay. It's going to start on the ice, and then I'm going to move to your office, and then to your home. The last thing you'll ever see is my pretty little face. And I'm going to smile while I do it.

Prediction: Destruction, Lubo-style. Oh, and you better vote for Lubo for the All-Star Game. That's not a prediction, that's a threat.

All-Time LA Kings Hockey Team, '91-Present

Here's an idea we had kicked around a few months ago that I'm just getting to now. Hey, you get what you pay for. Anyway, we here at Battle of California thought it'd be fun to comprise a all-time all-star team for your enjoyment and also because we're bored. Obviously it'd be unfair if I were allowed to choose from the entire history of the Kings, so it was decided that I would only select from the creation of the San Jose Sharks franchise in 1991. What you'll see is an eclectic mix of Hall of Famers, flashes in the pan, and guys that are inexplicably etched in my memory. If you don't agree with my list then, you know, fuck off.

(Thanks to Hockey-Reference.com, which I'm seriously thinking about making my home page.)


Offense

1st Line:

Luc Robitaille-Wayne Gretzky-Jari Kurri

Luc Robitaille is the greatest King in the history of the team and obviously belongs on the 1st line. Wayne is 4th all-time in Kings' points and has the highest points per game total in team history (1.70). Jari Kurri was only on the team for a little while and wasn't as great as he was in Edmonton, but he played a great two-way game and was a leader on the ice. He was my 2nd favorite forward from those early '90s Kings teams, behind someone else that'll make an appearance later.

2nd Line:

Ziggy Palffy-Jason Allison- Adam Deadmarsh

The LAPD line was only really together for one season, in 2001-2002. Though they were never healthy together for a long period of time, they managed to tally 195 points as a line and were 1-2-3 in scoring on that team.* It's crazy to think that those three comprised one of the best lines in hockey in 2002 and by 2004 they were pretty much done as NHLers. When people declare Dave Taylor's tenure as Kings GM a failure they usually neglect to reference that point.

*4th? Jaroslav Modry. Hockey is weird.

3rd Line:

Alexander Frolov-Anze Kopitar-Tony Granato

It's weird to think about, but Alexander Frolov has been on the team for 5 seasons now. He's the last link the Kings have to the playoffs, and for that he earns a spot on this list. Kopitar is there mostly because the Kings haven't had good luck with centers in the past 2 decades. (Seriously, who was I supposed to put here, Josef Stumpel?) I imagine he'll actually earn his way onto this list before too long. Tony Granato was my favorite forward growing up, mostly because he was a huge asshole and had a nice shot. I know, he sticked that one guy in the head, but I thought that was hilarious so it's okay. Plus, he's related to Ray Ferraro and I don't think Ray would allow that if he didn't think Granato was cool.

4th Line:

Ian Laperriere-Dave Taylor-Gary Shuchuk

If hockey goons were The Brothers Karamazov, Ian Laperriere would Alyosha. That doesn't make sense, but it makes me sound smart, doesn't it? Dave Taylor wasn't a great player by the early '90s, but he's still Dave Taylor and he would provide invaluable leadership to my imaginary team. I've always had a strange affinity for Gary Shuchuk that I can't explain and I'd appreciate it if you respected my right to privacy.

Defense

Rob Blake-Matty Norstrom

Rob Blake may be a horrible bastard that enjoys kicking sand in children's faces but he's still the best defenseman during this time period and he would've gotten more recognition in the late-90s if he hadn't been on those horrible, horrible Kings teams. Matty Norstrom embodies what you'd want your kid to play like when he or she were out on the ice. Hell, he's how I want to be when I grow up.

Marty McSorley-Lubomir Visnovsky

Marty probably doesn't belong here because he probably caused more harm than good, but I'll be damned if he didn't scare the shit out of people when he was on the ice. Lubo was a solid NHLer that blossomed into an elite player in the New NHL. Hopefully he can recover his game in Edmonton and make their All-Time team.

Alexei Zhitnik-Mark Hardy

Zhitnik was special for 2 reasons: he was the 2nd best defenseman in a core of young players that the Kings had during the early to mid-90s, and he was the subject of the one of the worst trades in Kings history. Zhitnik was traded with Robb Stauber and Charlie Huddy for Grant Fuhr, Denis Tsygurov and Philippe Boucher. Fuhr would play 14 games for the Kings, accumulating a 4.04 GAA and a Cloutier-esque .876 save percentage, while Zhitnik would go on to be a key contributor to a Sabres team that went to the NHL Finals. Mark Hardy did this:




Goaltending

Kelly Hrudey
Felix Potvin

Fuck what other people say, the fact is that Kelly Hrudey had the longest tenure of any goaltender on the Kings and wasn't that bad. Felix Potvin had the best peak of any Kings' goaltender, posting a team-best 2.35 GAA and a .906 save percentage. I had a Felix the Cat shirt during the Kings' run in 2001 and wore it to school throughout that period. I was beaten mercilessly.

So there you go. I'm throwing down the gauntlet to Sleek, O'Brien and the San Jose Clan: come up with your own all-time team that can beat mine. I can't wait to hear how Paul Kariya and Owen Nolan are somehow good.

Over-rated! (in video games)

Jay Bouwmeester is fucking fast. And he skates like a god damn gazelle.

I say this without the experience of actually watching him play in games. How do I know this, so irrefutably?

Like a god damn gazelle.

Because damn if the guy isn't the closest digital equivalent to Bobby Orr in hockey video games - whether its the 2K series or the EA Sports ones. This fact is made all the more glaring since there really aren't any true threats to his polygonal skating throne (the closest competition would probably be Sergei Gonchar, Sergei Zubov or former Rudy Kelly lover Luber Visnovsky).

So, it is to my great game playing excitement that most hockey pundits are labeling Bow-monster the next Brian Campbell.

Can you imagine what his unparalleled digi-speed and agility could do on a team that, you know, someone would voluntarily watch on TV? What his almost-Afinogenov-like skating would do for a team like Anaheim* or Pittsburgh* or Detroit* or Ottawa*?

At a reasonable 84 this year, it seems like Bouwmeester's rating is actually moderately accurate in NHL '08 (although, answer me this question if you're one of the 5 people who follow the Panthers: is he really that fucking fast?). But year after year he's one of those guys whose "potential" rating made him become a 90 by the age of 25** so I almost wonder if his rating will eventually suffer some residual negativity.

Anyway, this is off the top of my head, but here's a list of players who are comically overrated in hockey video games - with their ratings in parenthesis. Naturally, this is a pretty quick list, so lemme know some obvious ones I've left out in the comments:

• Michael Peca (86) Somewhere, there is a list floating around the blogosphere. It is titled "Unofficial list of players who inspire irrational hatred." Yeah, Peca is exceedingly mediocre. But maybe people hate him so unfairly because his video hockey skills are so greatly disproportionate to his actual, real life abilities.

• Eric Lindros (82) I believe that one of the online roster updates finally weeded The Concussed One out of video games.*** But before that, the oft-injured power forward has been a beast on the imaginary ice years beyond his real life relevance. (John Leclair is pretty much in the same spot, with far less "shine a light in his eyes" type jokes)
  
  It's......probably a good thing that these guys never won a Cup
  

• Todd Marchant (80-something) Never noticed it, really, because I never used the Edmonton Oilers back in the day and Marchant's general hockey career has been harmlessly irrelevant. But Sleek pointed him out when I did a top-5 video game countdown and it's changed his digi profile ever since. Since speed is such a huge factor in video games (especially in the days when all you really need to do was deke to score goals), his unrealistic impact has become downright jarring.

I mean, at least Lindros was on The Legion of Doom line.

• Sergei Fedorov (89) If he was this great in real life again, he could probably re-bang Anna Kournikova.
  
  
  Sergei Fedorov and the dudes who decide ratings: both nostalgic.
  
  

• The legacy of Alexei Yashin. Whenever people think of albatross contracts, they usually have to mention him.

But there's also the Yashin effect in games: video game rating makers feel sorry for fans of teams who sign players to albatross contracts and "give 'em a little boost." And why not, really? Those poor fans are the ones that ultimately have to deal with that terror (since GMs typically just pack up their office and move on to a different job).

Rick Dipietro and The Bulin Wall (to a lesser extent) are both well above average goaltenders. But in NHL '08 these guys are equal or even better than J.S. Giguere, Ryan Miller and Henrik Lundqvist. Something tells me that, big contract or not, the Kings would probably want to trade for Khabibulin if he was anywhere near Lundqvist's level.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

* - Teams I arbitrarily picked out of a hat for being "potentially good" and maybe, somehow having some serious cap space next summer.

** - The early "franchise modes" of video games really went over the top with these "potential" ratings. If the NHL really worked that way, Gilbert Brule would be a few steps behind Evgeni Malkin and Andrew Raycroft would now be Roy 2.0. It seems like that trend is dying off now, although the creatively devoid Madden series really needs to cut that "team full of 99s" bullshit.

*** - It probably needs to be stated that, for this study, I'm only referring to NHL 08. Because the 2K series might as well cease to exist.

Saying Goodbye to Lubo

RK: Okay, Lubo, here we are. Go on, get out of the car.
Lubo: Voite for Lubo!
RK: Alright, now go.
Lubo: L-Lubo?
RK: This is your home now, Lubo, you'll be free here. There's lots of forwards to play with and you won't be tied down like you were in LA. It's for the best.
*Lubo takes step towards the car
RK: (teary-eyed) Please, Lubo, this isn't easy for me. Just go and be happy.
Lubo: Lubo!
RK: Go on, git! I never liked you anyway! You're too small and you always have a whimsical look on your face!
*Lubo whimpers and runs off
RK: (whispers) I love you.


Like most Dean Lombardi trades, this one left me extremely confused. With most Lombardi trades, though, I'll usually feel better about them an hour or so later; that didn't happen with this one. You know how a kid feels when his best friend moves away? That's how I feel right now. Rationally I'm pissed because Lubo was one of the best players on the team and emotionally I'm pissed because he was the sweetest guy ever.* Lombardi always talks about raising kids to be Kings, and then he turns around and trades the one veteran brought up through the Kings' system? Not to mention that he traded him to Siberia 48 hours before his no-trade clause kicked in. That's harsh.

*Plus, I was going to write a fake interview with Lubo this summer wherein he would claim he runs the Kings and stabbed Sean Avery in the spleen. It needed work but it would have been good stuff. Now you're going to get some half-assed routine about Drew Doughty being fat. Thanks a lot, Dean.

I loved all the little things about Lubo: the way he snuck in the back door to rocket a one-timer on the power play, the surprised look on his face when his teammates congratulated him after a goal, everything. There's an awesome scene in Luc Robitaille's FSN show (the one that features his last game) where Luc's on the team plane and comes upon Pavol Demitra and Lubo playing cards with Craig Conroy and Jeremy Roenick. They talk for a bit and then Lubo says something to Pavol in Slovakian and they both burst out laughing. Nobody knows what they're laughing about though, so Robitaille looks uncomfortable and then just kind of moves on. It cracked me up.

Oh man, he's sticking his little tongue out!

The Kings got two fairly good players back in the deal: Jarret Stoll and Matt Greene. Stoll is a typical Lombardi pick-up, a character guy with a lot of skill that has been sidetracked by injuries (in his case, a concussion). He's got a good shot and can play both power play and penalty kill. He will center either the 2nd or 3rd line, depending on how they decide to use Handzus. Best case scenario: Stoll gets his game back and pots thirty goals while playing with Frolov. Worst case scenario, or what will happen because it's the Kings: he continues to suck and he and Handzus team up to form the worst 2nd center combo in NHL history. Also, Stoll is dating Rachel Hunter, so I guess my dad will have someone to look at during the game. At the very least this means Tom Preissing will have a shot with Tawny Kitean.

Also picked up was Matt Greene, who is a monster. Greene is a big defenseman and offers absolutely no offense. Basically, think Aaron Miller. He takes too many penalties and his lack of offensive skill kills a lot of his worth, but he's what the Kings needed. I don't know who he'll play with because the Kings aren't done with their defense, but he should anchor our penalty kill for a few years to come.

I would still rather have Lubo over those two players, although they do fill a big need for our team. The only way I'll be happy with this is if the Kings turn around and trade for Jay Buowmeester. It's unlikely, but the Kings have been trading for a lot of guys in that 23-25 range and they did draft a number of 20 year-olds this last draft that would replace any prospects we trade. If their plan is to sign Brad Stuart again, I'll flip. A defense consisting of Jack Johnson, Matt Greene, Rob Blake, Brad Stuart, Tom Preissing and Drew Doughty does not fill me with excitement. And it could never replace Lubo.

Poor Lu- whoa, holy shit.

If I could have a quick word with Edmonton fans: look, I don't like you and you have a grudging respect for me, but go easy on Lubo. Don't put a lot of pressure on him just because you're paying him $7 million dollars next year. I know you'll get frustrated because he's small and he'll never work the puck out of the corner, but he means well. He tries hard and he's very sneaky and he and Souray will give you a fantastic power play. Treat him well and make sure he gets plenty of vitamins because if you don't watch him he'll just eat candy and get a tummy ache. Oh, and here's his ear medicine; make sure you give it to him before he goes to bed.

Well, I guess that's it then. I guess I'll leave you with this:



Godspeed you lovable imp.

Trade

Kings trade Lubomir Visnovsky for Jarret Stoll and Matt Greene.

I'll have more tomorrow, but right now I'll just say: fuck.

Obviously This Is More Important Than The Playoffs

Lubomir Visnovsky did a Q & A with The Hockey News. My favorite part?

What’s your favorite thing to do in L.A. when you have a few days off?- Aden Rongve, Saskatoon, Sask.



A lot of the guys, myself included, have places near Manhattan Beach on the ocean, so I like to go there. I’ll go walking or biking, get energy from the sun – sometimes my girlfriend and I will go rollerblading.



I can't tell you how much joy I get out of the idea of Lubo out on the beach wearing rollerblades gives me. Do you think he wears tiny little shorts? I want to put him in my pocket and carry him around.

Oh man I bet he wears pads and a helmet too.

Also, the Kings signed Alec Martinez from Miami of Ohio to an entry-level deal. I think at this point I'd be more interested in watching Manchester next year than the Kings. He's 6'1" and can move the puck (can you build an entire line-up with only offensive defensemen?), so we might see him for a little bit next year.


(Also, how much bullshit is it that his school is called Miami of Ohio and it's located in Oxford, OH? There must be more than a few confused British people wandering around that campus.)

Kings Gameday: Looking Back

LA Kings (6-3-1 in last 10) @ Pittsburgh Penguins (30-19-5, 1st in pussies out with high ankle sprains)

10:00 PST, FSN West (It's criminal to make the Kings play that early)

Near the beginning of the year, the degenerates over at Pensblog asked me to write a season preview for them. Naturally I did, because I’m a fool and will work for free. The resulting post was probably my favorite of the year (which you can tell because everyone in the comments either hated it or ignored it), so I thought it’d be a good idea to take a look at that post and see where I went wrong with the Kings this season. (Remember, I thought the Kings would finish in 8^th this season. I’m stupid.) Open up the other post and read it side-by-side for full effect. What's that? You're not going through all that just to read a stupid joke hockey blog? Quit being lazy, you bastard!

#1 Young Forwards. I was pretty spot-on with this one (although I wasn't exactly going out on a limb). I predicted that Brown and O’Sullivan would break out this season, but I also said Mike Cammalleri was a good sleeper pick because he would average a point-a-game. Whoops! I’ll give myself this one.

The future... oh shit.

#2 Jack Johnson. I have to admit, I was completely wrong on Jack Johnson. I thought he’d run around hitting people and miss assignments, but surprisingly he’s been playing within himself. Sure, Bad Jack comes out every once in a while, but for the most part he's been very impressive. I was wrong on this one, but in a good way.

I don't care, I still like Handzus.

#3 New Additions. I’m not sure how to grade this one; I admitted that that Handzus was coming off an injury and curbed my prediction by saying, “If Handzus can come back from a knee injury…” but I expected him to be a little better than this. I think the free agent I’m personally disappointed in has been Tom Preissing. I just didn’t think he’d be our 5^th defenseman this season. Maybe his worth shows up a little better when he’s on a winning team. The biggest fuck up I committed was not even mentioning that we signed Kyle Calder. I was wrong on this one.

He is still 4th on the team in scoring...

#4 Lubo. Whoops. I still don’t quite know what to think of Lubo’s season. He definitely hasn’t been the Lubo of old, but there are still little flashes of brilliance that make me think he’s just having a bad year. The Kings’ biggest priority in the off-season should be getting a solid defensive defenseman to pair with Lubo. And for God’s sake, let him shoot on the power play! I was wrong on Lubo… this season.

#5 Goaltending. This is another one where I was wrong in a good way. Cloutier got hurt early so we haven’t yet been subjected to him, while Labarbera has been good enough for the Kings this season. I was wrong on this one, although to be fair it was more just a joke one more than anything.

So overall I was wrong on Lubo, Cammalleri, and the impact of Handzus. I also didn't mention it, but Blake played much worse than I thought he would coming off the hip injury at the beginning of the season. Does that translate to 7 spots in the standings? No, but then again, I obviously had emotional interest in having the Kings make the playoffs. I don't know, though, I don't think I was off by that much. (I was probably off by the Roethlisberger thing more than anything else.) I think the Kings' recent play is much more indicative of their abilities than their play in December. Oh well, we’ve been playing well lately and I expect Labarbera will play this game too, setting Cloutier up to play against Columbus.

***

It'll be interesting to see how Crawford does the lines today. Brown's back, so one would assume he'd line up in his eternal spot alongside Kopitar, but Frolov had 5 points in the 2 games Brown missed in that very spot. I'd be interested to see what Brown could do lined up with Boyle and Cammalleri; last year he played great when Kopitar was out because he had the opportunity to carry the puck up the ice. Of course, I wouldn't mind seeing Frolov reunited with Cammy, so either way...

***

You should have made the "Y" and "U" yellow too, dipshit.

This is the first time the Kings are playing the Penguins this season, but I’m already really fucking sick of them. Jesus, how many times have they been on Versus this season? Why bother showing the vastly superior Western Conference when you can show a bunch of jackasses in yellow jerseys skate through living traffic cones for 60 minutes? Hopefully the Kings can get some exposure as they kick their Crosby-less asses in the teeth. (“Asses in the teeth?” “I don’t know, this guy should be fired.”) Oh, and just because I am a petty, petty man:

Anze Kopitar: 51 points

Jordan Staal: 18 points

Prediction: Kings win, 5-3. Goals by Brown (x2), Frolov, Preissing, and Johnson. The highlight on ESPN will consist of a brief showing of Malkin’s goal and then they’ll spend 45 minutes talking about Roger Clemens.

Kings Gameday: "Hooray!" and "Boo!"

(Hey, look at me, I'm Rudy and I suck! Just kidding folks - Megalodon here, putting up Rudy's gameday post for Saturday, since he's off somewhere with my Ducks-fan roommate. I'm not quite sure what they're up to, but I'm sure they're both nude by now. Anyways, enjoy Rudy's stupid post!)



Los Angeles Kings (7-8-0, 5th in Pacific) vs. Dallas Stars (7-7-2, 1st in Pacific)


7:30 PST, FSN West

Kings Record in November: 1-1





The Kings are finally playing again after sitting around for a week while the Lakers and Clippers started off their seasons. (How retarded is it that two NBA teams share one arena? That NBA, so dysfunctional....) The good news is that the Kings weren't left in the dust by any Pacific teams while they were idle; they're still within 4 points of the division lead. Since the Kings are almost 20% through their regular season, I thought this would be a good time to kick off a new series of mine, named after the greatest commercials in television history.


Hooray, Young Forwards!

The young guys on the Kings are progressing very nicely. Kopitar seems to have adjusted to teams focusing on him, although he still holds on to the puck too long on the power play. Dustin Brown isn't hitting as much as he did last year, but that's actually a good thing. He's spending more time playing good defense instead. Cammalleri (who is fast becoming my sister's favorite player despite her inability to say his name) has been potting goals at a ridiculous pace, aided by his now-patented "one knee slapshot." (How does anyone tell when he goes to his knee?) Alex Frolov went through the most productive slump in the history of the NHL earlier in the season and has probably been our best forward the last couple games. And Patrick O'Sullivan has been a revelation. How did he go from being a one-dimensional goal scorer to grinding two-way player in one off-season? Also, he said this on Thursday over at Inside the Kings:

"Technically, I should have it on for another week or two,'' O'Sullivan said. "But if we worried about doctors and technicalities then none of us would be playing hockey."


That's pretty badass. Retarded, but badass.

One of them is Lubomir, but I don't know which...

Boo, Top Line Defensemen!

While the young guys have been leading the Kings, the two highest-paid guys on the team haven't exactly been pulling their weight. Both Rob Blake and Lubomir Visnovsky have not been playing good defense this season. Blake looks slower than last year (somehow) and I think it's about time we stop giving him top-line minutes. I still like him on the penalty kill, but the Kings should probably "advise" him to take himself off the first power play unit and replace him with someone, anyone else. Lubo, as much as I hate to say it, hasn't been playing well this season. It seems to me that a memo went out to the rest of the league that you could bump Lubo off the puck if you get to him as soon as he gets it behind the net, and he hasn't adjusted well. I'm giving him a grace period because he looks like a sprite, but the Kings are counting on him if they're going to continue to be .500.




Hooray, Jack Johnson!

"Wow, he looks really good, maybe I underesti-"

Jack Johnson, on the other hand, has been a pleasant surprise. I was expecting him to make a lot of mistakes and take a lot of dumb penalties, but so far he has been fairly reticent to commit either. The Kings have taken to putting him on the penalty kill where I think he's responded quite well. Now is the time to put him on the power play, whether with Lubo or with Tom Preissing. At the same time, though…



Boo, Jack Johnson!

"-ohGoddammit."

…for this hit on Milan Michalek:

(Megalodon's note: At this point in the article, Rudy attached an embedded video of Johnson being an asshole against Milan Michalek. That link didn't work any more, and I can't find any other video of it, so use your imaginations, okay? He can fix it if he wants when he gets back. I've got shit to do - like cursing the Sharks are the guy who invented shoot-outs.)

I'm sorry, but that hit was bullshit. Michalek was held up along the boards by Derek Armstrong, got rid of the puck well before Jack got to him, and then Jack jumped about a foot in the air as he hit Milan. He didn't get his elbow into it, but that's probably more luck than anything else. That's the stupid shit you can't do if you're going to be a top defenseman in the NHL, Jack, if only because the Kings can't afford to have you off the ice. Just because you play like Chris Pronger doesn't mean you have to be a complete piece of shit like him too.

Hooray, Bailey!

Rudy: You know, I think this Bailey character is a really cool cat. He's really the cat's meow. In fact, I'd go even say he's purr-fect.


Meg: Ha... you done?

Rudy: Yeah. Still though, you have to admit that he really does the lion's share of work at Staples.

Meg: (pulls out gun) Seriously, one more cat pun and I am shooting you in the leg.


Rudy: Hey, I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to hurt your pride. I was only kitten. Seeing you so upset really gives me paws.

Meg: Alright, that's better. Wait a minute... (blam!)

Boo, Dennis Miller!


I guess when they decided to name the show "Unfiltered," they meant they weren't going to filter out all the shitty jokes. "Watching that show made me about as comfortable as Philip Fabricius during the Second Defenestration of Prague!"

That's it for this edition of "Hooray!" and "Boo!" The Kings are playing .500 hockey, which is nice. At the same time, I know they can be better. All their good will goes out the window if they play as terrible as both Anaheim and San Jose both did against Dallas. Raitis Ivanans will probably not play after getting hit in the God damned face by a Rob Blake slapshot, so Scott Thornton will be carrying the hammer tonight.


Prediction: Kings win, 2-1. Goals by Johnson and Cammy.

Kings Gameday: BoC News Special Report

Los Angeles Kings (1-5, 29th in NHL) vs. Minnesota Wild (5-0, 1st in World)

7:30 PST, FSN West


CALIFORNIA NHL TEAMS BAFFLED TO FIND THAT SEASON HAS ALREADY STARTED

Experts blame nice weather, idiocy for mental lapse

By Megalodon, Special to BoC News

The three NHL teams in California were surprised to learn today that the pre-season is over, and the new season has already begun. The three teams, whose combined record is 7-11-2, were left scrambling.

"No way, really?" asked a bewildered Joe Thornton, star player for the San Jose
Sharks. "Well that sucks. I've just been messing around for all the games so far. Last game I played right-handed just to mix it up. And Cheech has been high on Mescaline for the past three days! Hey, Cheech! Did you hear about this?"

Upon hearing the news, San Jose coach Ron Wilson called a team meeting in which he offered a 500 dollar bonus to whoever could get Sandis Ozolinsh out of the vents of the Sharks' arena, where he has apparently been living for several weeks. "He kept asking me when we were going to sign him, and I kept telling him that we would when the season started," said Wilson. "[Ozolinsh] kept giving me this weird look, but I figured all Latvians did that."

Marc Crawford, coach of the Los Angeles Kings, was also unaware that the season had officially started. He was reached for comment at the North Los Angeles Clinic for the Mentally Disturbed, his residence between games. "Seriously? But I was playing that little kid in net for the past week! When did the season start? It's like 75 degrees, you don't play hockey 'til frozen outside! That thing in London didn't count, right? The rink wasn't even regulation size!"

Crawford, hair disheveled and eyes bloodshot, made his way over to a wall-sized white board, on which were drawn cryptic symbols, coded messages, and a King's goalie depth chart which begins with Jason LaBarbera and ends with the Speaker of the House. "Alright alright, everybody shut up! I can fix this! We'll just switch the lines up a little - yeah, that's the ticket! Lewis - put Zeiler, Jim Foxx, and my cat out there! And starting now, if the other team's top line is out, we pull the goalie! And line changes! Everywhere line changes! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!"

The defending champion Anaheim Ducks have been particularly short-handed without Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne, who both "totally forgot" to let the Ducks know that they'd be back this year.

"Aw, hell. I knew I was supposed to do something this month," said Niedermayer, while hurriedly putting on his skates. "Honey, where's my stick? How many games have we played?"

There was apparently only one player who knew that the season had started. "Yeah, I knew," said Lubomir Visnovsky through a translator. "I kept trying to tell them, but they just patted me on the head and asked me to grant them a wish. Nobody ever listens to me. I swear one of these days I'm going to lose it and shoot up this place."

Visnovsky continued to rant until Kings defensman Rob Blake found his "blankey"
and put him to bed. [Ed Note: Awwww.]

Rudy Kelly contributed to the hilariousness of this report.



Prediction: I can't think of a worse team to play right now. Wild, 3-1. Goal by Cammy, because who else?


Update: Nagy scratched, Willsie in for tonight's game. I swear to God, if Kopitar sees one second of ice time with Brian Willsie, I will steal every dollop of hair gel in Southern California. Do you like your hair, Marc? DO YOU???

The Hockey News Is Ridiculous

I got my copy of The Hockey News that listed the top 50 players in the NHL. Lubomir Visnovsky was not one of them. They had 8 defensemen listed: Lidstrom, Pronger, Phaneuf (17th!), Kaberle, Chara, Gonchar, Boyle, and Schneider. If you do not think that Lubomir Visnovsky is better than at least one of those players, you are an idiot.

Oh, and Sharks fans: they didn't have Patrick Marleau on there either.

Anger...Rising...

The Hockey News’ Adam Proteau wrote a new article that listed the worst contracts given out this off-season. I looked forward to reading it; I love reading articles about terrible decisions by general managers. When I got to it, though, my amusement quickly turned into uncontrollable rage. Here’s what angered me so (full article found here):

"2. Lubomir Visnovsky (returning) to the L.A. Kings for 5 years and $28.25 million. I liked many of the signings GM Dean Lombardi made this summer; Brad Stuart (one year, $3.5 million) was a smaller gamble with larger upside, while Michal Handzus (four years, $16 million) and Tom Preissing (4 years, $11 million) should be valuable contributors as the Kings grow into Stanley Cup contenders.But that’s a major part of the problem I have with Visnovsky’s signing. If the nearly 31-year-old blueliner, who has missed even more games than Hamrlik (74 games) in the last five seasons, is regarded as their power-play quarterback, why sign Preissing, who excelled in the same role with Ottawa last year? And since a fair number of hockey types believe the Flyers overpaid for Kimmo Timonen, how come they aren’t looking at this deal with an equal amount of disdain?"

Lubomir Visnovsky's contract was the 2nd worst of the off-season??? Hold on, I need to take a minute… (clears throat, takes a sip of water)


WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

How… I mean, what… I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like challenging this guy to a duel. I guess I should start by dismissing the notion that Tom Preissing comes even close to replacing Lubomir Visnovsky. Preissing is a good player, but he’s averaged 40 points the last two years; Lubo’s averaged more than 60. Besides, it’s not like you can only have one guy that’s good on the power play. I don’t even get that part. (I do like how he put in “regarded,” though, insinuating that Lubo isn’t actually good at it. Very sneaky.)

You have offended Lubo's honor, sir, and I demand satisfaction!

Over the past two seasons combined, Lubo has been outscored by Scott Niedermayer and Nicklas Lidstrom among defensemen. That’s it. His 125 points the past two years equals the totals of Sergei Gonchar ($5 million/year contract signed in 2005), Bryan McCabe ($5.8 million/year in 2006), and Sergei Zubov ($5.35 million/year contract in 2007). I don’t think Lubo can be considered inferior to any of those players. In fact, I’d argue that he’s better. I don’t see those guys playing on a team as defensively porous as the Kings and still ending up +1 on the season. Not bad for a power-play quarterback.

I also take umbrage with Proteau’s mention of Visnovsky’s propensity to miss games. It’s indeed true that Lubo has missed 74 games in the past 5 seasons; what Proteau doesn’t point out is that 59 of those games were in the three seasons before the lockout. Since hockey started again, Visnovsky has missed 15 games in two seasons. (Plus, 8 of those games were at the end of last season when the Kings were pretty much tanking, so I’m not sure if he was actually that hurt.) Sure, he gets a lot of little injuries, and that’s going to happen when you’re a 5’10”, 185 pound defenseman; to act like he’s injury-prone and unreliable, though, is ignorant at best and disingenuous at worst.

Don't worry Lubo, I got your back.

The whole thing gets even more ridiculous when you scan the article and see that Sheldon Souray was his 4th worst contract of the summer. Sheldon Souray has a very good slap shot, it’s true, but he’s pretty bad at everything else. His plus/minus? -28. I know that plus/minus is kind of a tricky barometer of a player’s worth, but you have to be pretty bad to be -28. Yet, somehow his contract is better than Lubo’s, even though they get basically the same amount of pay. sdfasdfsa…sorry, that was my hand clenching into a fist. I think I’ve got it under control now, though.

I am completely flabbergasted by this attack on Lubomir Visnovsky; who in their right mind thinks he’s not deserving of $5 ½ million dollars a year? I know he’s small and people claim that he can be pushed off the puck by a power forward, but that shouldn’t get in the way of what he’s actually done. Bottom line: Lubomir Visnovsky is almost a point-a-game defenseman that also gives you above-average defense. I'd want him on my team over all but a handful of defensemen in the NHL. Maybe Proteau just wanted to be different and that’s why he decided to go after Lubo’s contract instead of Chris Drury’s or Daniel Briere’s; maybe he thought Lubo was okay to go after because he can't speak English; maybe he’s just a dick. Whatever it was, he’s wrong.

(Oh, and the reason people don’t look at Lubo’s contract with the same amount of disdain as Timonen’s is that Timonen is getting paid $6.3 million dollars a year and isn’t as good offensively or defensively as Lubo. Just because they’re both offensively-minded defenseman from Europe doesn’t mean they’re the same, and I can’t tell you how many times that comes up.)

Kings Off-Season Preview Mega-Post!

(This post is unnecessarily long, so don't miss Mike Chen's post just below it. He makes me look like a jackass by just asking his GM what he's planning on doing in the off-season rather than attempting to deduce it. Damn you, Chen!)

Now that the hockey season is officially in the books, it’s time to look ahead at what is in store for the Kings in 2007-08. The Kings seem to be very involved with free agency rumors this off-season, which makes deciphering what they will do harder than in years past. If only there were someone with a keen intellect and many hours of free time to think about something unimportant rather than trying to get laid… oh wait, that person exists. It’s me! I’m going to go through some of the major rumors and say whether I’d like them and then give my opinion on whether or not they’re likely. As always, remember that it’s just my opinion and that I’m an idiot. And away we go…

Kings sign a big-ticket free agent forward (Daniel Briere, Chris Drury, Scott Gomez, Ryan Smyth)

The Kings should have money to spend this off-season (though they still have to sign Mike Cammalleri) and GM Dean Lombardi did try to sign Zdeno Chara and Patrick Elias last off-season (or so he says). If the Kings were to sign a free-agent, I’d prefer that they signed a set-up man, like Briere or Gomez, because Frolov and Cammalleri can both put the puck in the net on their own. With that being said, I’m not sure if the Kings will sign a big free-agent forward because we have good young forwards coming up and the money would be better spent on the defense. I can’t see the Kings throwing a bunch of money into one player; I’d rather they spent the money they have improving the bottom lines. The guy killing us last year was not Patrick O’Sullivan on the 2nd line, it was that Tom Kostopolous was on the team at all.

Kings sign a big-ticket free agent defenseman (Sheldon Souray, Kimmo Timmonen, Brad Stuart, Scott Hannan)

The Kings have three defenseman that will make the team barring unforeseen circumstances: Lubomir Visnovsky, Rob Blake, and Jack Johnson. After that, there’s the possibility that the Kings may re-sign Aaron Miller, but that’s pretty much it. (I refuse to accept that Oleg Tverdovsky is a legitimate option to make the team.) The guys in the minors who have a shot at making the team are Joe Piskula, Richard Petiot (coming off a knee injury), and Joe Ryan. It seems unlikely that the Kings will be content with that type of defense, however, and will have to sign someone. The problem with Souray and Timmonen is that they are the exact same type of player as Lubo, which brings me to a terrifying point: with all the rumors that Souray already has a jersey made in LA, could Lombardi be thinking about trading Lubo? We could definitely get quite the haul for him, seeing as he’s only making $2 million this year and will be an unrestricted free agent after this season. Maybe Lombardi thinks that Souray is better than Lubo and maybe he’s thinking about getting someone like Patrick Marleau or perhaps a collection of younger players for him. I think the idea makes sense, but… he’s so little and adorable! Anyway, I think the Kings would be better off signing a guy like Hannan or Stuart.

How can you trade this face?

Kings sign a big-ticket free agent goaltender (J.S. Giguere)

The Kings had a little trouble with goaltending last season, in case you hadn’t heard about it. Garon is probably gone and the Kings have Jason LaBarbera (who was a man amongst boys in the AHL) and Dan “Goddammit!” Cloutier as the two most likely to suit up on opening night. Signing a goaltender like Giguere would definitely solve a lot of problems for the Kings and probably get them a playoff spot next year. I don’t think this will happen, though, because Lombardi has already signed a goaltender from the Swedish Elite League (the very Swede-sounding Erik Ersberg) and it seems likely that LaBarbera, Cloutier, and Ersberg will all get a chance in net next season. The Kings could always trade for a guy like Manny Fernandez (though he makes a little too much for my taste) or Vesa Toskala (seriously, we don’t need every player from San Jose), but I imagine LaBarbera will probably get the first opportunity in net, and that’s okay with me. I mean, why not? He’s 27 and destroyed the AHL last year, so why shouldn’t he get a shot? Besides, I generally adhere to the idea that goaltenders are needed to take a team over the top, but they can’t make a bad team a playoff contender. If the Kings signed Giguere, it’d be Khabibulin-to-Chicago redux.

Is Erik Ersberg the answer in net? No.

Kings don’t do anything big

Unfortunately for many, this seems to be the most likely option. I see the Kings signing a guy like Scott Hannan to play with Lubo on the top defensive line. I don’t like Scott Hannan, but I have a friend (a Sharks fan) who swears he’s a dependable defenseman and I believe him. (He also swears that Hannan is not really Dominic Monaghan, but I’m still skeptical.)

I swear, am I the only one who sees this?

I also see the Kings signing a dependable set-up man for the top two lines, perhaps pushing Armstrong down a little. I hate to say it, but there’s one guy who I think would be amenable to signing a short contract for around 4 million or so. It’s this little guy:

(Cue murmurs and cries of "Order!")

I know it’s sacrilegious to think of Kariya in black and purple, but it is really the best option. Kariya makes the team better in the short-term but doesn’t hurt their long-term plan. I don’t know if he’d want to come back to Southern California, or if the Kings are even interested, but it seems like a good fit. Plus, it would definitely give the Kings a “splash” signing that would somehow answer the Ducks, or something. I’d never accept him, but I wouldn’t mind if he helped Frolov score 50 goals. If they made these moves, they’d have a line-up like this going into next season:

Frolov-Cammalleri-Kariya
O’Sullivan-Kopitar-Brown
Thornton-McCauley-Lundmark

(Someone, with Ivanans filling in occasionally)-Armstrong-Willsie

Lubo-Hannan
Blake-Johnson
Piskula-Miller

LaBarbera
Cloutier
Ersberg

There are some problems with this set-up (mostly that I don’t know if Cammalleri would or could shift back to center and I’d like O’Sullivan to play center some day), but I like this team overall. The Kings are basically getting a free agent in Alyn McCauley, assuming he’s finally healthy, and I liked Lundmark last year. Does this team make the playoffs? Maybe. Does this team compete while not hindering the long-term plan? Yes. As guys get injured, the team can plug in Lauri Tukonen or Brian Boyle or Scott Parse if he decides to sign (rumors are that he will). Let me know in the comments what you think (and please, “your gay” is not constructive criticism). I think this is the best path for the Kings this off-season; whether Lombardi thinks the same is anyone’s guess.

Earl Sleek, a mythical hockey player

Hm, more “getting to know ya”, eh? Jes Gőlbez started up another blogger tag game, and Mike Chen then passed it on to me. I’m not sure I understand this game entirely, but as I have zero actual hockey skill, I guess I’m just going to play make-believe and invent some on-ice abilities.

Earl Sleek, if indeed he were an NHL-caliber hockey player

Team: Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (before they sold out to the “man”)
Uniform Number: 8 or 13, whichever one Teemu isn’t currently using
Position: checking line winger
Nickname: Pahlsson-lover, Girl Sleek
Dream Linemates: Sammy Pahlsson and (out of retirement) Stumpy Thomas.
Rounding out the PP: Vitaly Vishnevski and Lubomir Visnovsky, it’s always been a dream of mine to see these two paired up.
Job: I’m the set-up guy; I get the puck to Stumpy while Sammy plays as our defensive conscience.
Signature Move: Square-square-triangle. A real doozy.
Strengths: Offensive zone awareness and a regular willingness to wear a microphone.
Weaknesses: I make Stumpy do the fighting for our line, as well.
Injury Problems: Lower-body.
Equipment: An Adam Oates-style stickblade and for sure a visor.
Nemesis: Later it would be revealed that the only reason I devoted my life to making the NHL was to get close enough to murder Chris Chelios.
Scandal Involvement: Even later it would be revealed that my name was never Earl Sleek at all.
Who I’d face in the Stanley Cup Finals: The Devils. We owe ‘em a little G7 heartbreak.
What I’d do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Oh, it would be one wild party, I can assure you. I suspect I'd get married and divorced within the night.
Would the media love me or hate me? They’d like me all right, until I kill Chelios. Then the good ones would love me.

OK, let’s tag some ladies from the ol’ HLOG (on their own blogs): Sherry, HockeyGirl, and Finny.

Are you a Vishnevski or a Visnovsky?

Take our quiz and find out!

1. You have recently discovered that a co-worker is spreading false rumors about you. Do you:
a. Stick-handle wide and center the puck to a forward?
b. Wait until he has his head down and slam him into the ice?
c. Try to resolve it like adults?

2. Two people both claim ownership of the same twenty-dollar bill. Do you:
a. Push the puck to a cocked-up Rob Blake?
b. Abandon your position to send a message to the opposing team?
c. Make change in order to make peace?

3. A friend comes to you with an "unbelievable" insider stock tip. Do you:
a. Use your speed and puck skills to augment your 5'10" frame?
b. Serve the two-minute penalty, even though you don't understand why you were called?
c. Thank him for the tip, but ultimately refuse to mix business and friendship?

4. You keep finding your day job mundane, and wonder if you should find new employment. Do you:
a. Watch as your Slovakian teammates get repeatedly let go?
b. Cheer as the St. Louis Blues score your only goal of the year into an empty net?
c. Write a blog to make the days go faster?

You can check your answers against the scale (posted in the comments section).

Note that this survey promises to get more complex in the future, with other blueline prospects like James Wisniewski (Chicago), Andy Wozniewski (Toronto), and Ivan Vishnevskiy (Dallas) on their way.

[Edit: I had some writer's block coming up with these questions. Feel free to offer better ones.]