Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Kings Gameday: BoC News Special Report

Los Angeles Kings (1-5, 29th in NHL) vs. Minnesota Wild (5-0, 1st in World)

7:30 PST, FSN West


Experts blame nice weather, idiocy for mental lapse

By Megalodon, Special to BoC News

The three NHL teams in California were surprised to learn today that the pre-season is over, and the new season has already begun. The three teams, whose combined record is 7-11-2, were left scrambling.

"No way, really?" asked a bewildered Joe Thornton, star player for the San Jose
Sharks. "Well that sucks. I've just been messing around for all the games so far. Last game I played right-handed just to mix it up. And Cheech has been high on Mescaline for the past three days! Hey, Cheech! Did you hear about this?"

Upon hearing the news, San Jose coach Ron Wilson called a team meeting in which he offered a 500 dollar bonus to whoever could get Sandis Ozolinsh out of the vents of the Sharks' arena, where he has apparently been living for several weeks. "He kept asking me when we were going to sign him, and I kept telling him that we would when the season started," said Wilson. "[Ozolinsh] kept giving me this weird look, but I figured all Latvians did that."

Marc Crawford, coach of the Los Angeles Kings, was also unaware that the season had officially started. He was reached for comment at the North Los Angeles Clinic for the Mentally Disturbed, his residence between games. "Seriously? But I was playing that little kid in net for the past week! When did the season start? It's like 75 degrees, you don't play hockey 'til frozen outside! That thing in London didn't count, right? The rink wasn't even regulation size!"

Crawford, hair disheveled and eyes bloodshot, made his way over to a wall-sized white board, on which were drawn cryptic symbols, coded messages, and a King's goalie depth chart which begins with Jason LaBarbera and ends with the Speaker of the House. "Alright alright, everybody shut up! I can fix this! We'll just switch the lines up a little - yeah, that's the ticket! Lewis - put Zeiler, Jim Foxx, and my cat out there! And starting now, if the other team's top line is out, we pull the goalie! And line changes! Everywhere line changes! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!"

The defending champion Anaheim Ducks have been particularly short-handed without Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne, who both "totally forgot" to let the Ducks know that they'd be back this year.

"Aw, hell. I knew I was supposed to do something this month," said Niedermayer, while hurriedly putting on his skates. "Honey, where's my stick? How many games have we played?"

There was apparently only one player who knew that the season had started. "Yeah, I knew," said Lubomir Visnovsky through a translator. "I kept trying to tell them, but they just patted me on the head and asked me to grant them a wish. Nobody ever listens to me. I swear one of these days I'm going to lose it and shoot up this place."

Visnovsky continued to rant until Kings defensman Rob Blake found his "blankey"
and put him to bed. [Ed Note: Awwww.]

Rudy Kelly contributed to the hilariousness of this report.

Prediction: I can't think of a worse team to play right now. Wild, 3-1. Goal by Cammy, because who else?

Update: Nagy scratched, Willsie in for tonight's game. I swear to God, if Kopitar sees one second of ice time with Brian Willsie, I will steal every dollop of hair gel in Southern California. Do you like your hair, Marc? DO YOU???


Earl Sleek said...

Dear Kings:

You don't like me and I don't like you, but it would really help me out in a fantasy sense if you could really really kick the crap out of the Wild tonight.

I know that you're not usually motivated for regular season success, but I figured a random internet comment might help light the fire tonight.


Finny said...

guess who's going to witness the slaughter?!?!?!?!


okay, you got me.

FINNY will be there, in the Staples Center, debating furiously with herself over which team to root for. eventually, I suppose I'll be actually choking (i.e. cheering for the Kings) because... well, you guys got kinda pretty over the break, and derek boogaard is my sworn enemy. for life.

so. you win. you'll have a ducks fan, however unwanted i may be, in your midst, trying to cheer despite the fact that I, like you, am convinced that it's a losing battle in the case of facing off w/ the Wild.

Megalodon said...

I think this post is your best yet.

spade-in-victorhell said...

MEMO TO CRAWFORD...(from a dux fan at the game on sunday) winning the shot count will not win you the game against the wild...especially shooting from bad angles...no traffic in front while taking shots...and jacking off on the power plays...heed the warning...

wilsie take one for the state of california and slue foot boogard

bdub said...

thank you. this very awesome update made me forget about my not-so-awesome midterm grades :)

Earl Sleek said...

FINNY will be there, in the Staples Center, debating furiously with herself over which team to root for.

Finny, whenever I'm at a Kings game and I don't particularly care who wins, I'll just concentrate on getting drunk.

This also works for Ducks games, or nights when you're not going to a game too.

Oh, and Megalodon, chip in anytime. BoC is always open for guest snark!

RudyKelly said...

Yeah, you Ducks fans seem to hate Boogaard. I don't much like him either, but May deserved an ass-kicking. And good for Parros to finally win a legitimate fight.

Earl Sleek said...

Hey, I never said I hated Boogaard. Duck fans might shoot me for saying it, but in a pure hockey sense, I'd take the Boogie Man over MayDay or Parros in a heartbeat. That guy can throw and play reasonable minutes, and really, all he's done is stood up for his injured teammate. All told, I'm pretty pro-Boogaard.

Oh yeah, and as for Boogaard or Lemaire or Chelios not participating in post-elimination handshakes? I know some fans care a lot about this, but it stopped mattering to me after kindergarten.

Anonymous said...

You guys are fucking gay

Earl Sleek said...

Oh, anonymous, you can find gayer than us on this here internet. Try a search engine.

Katebits said...

Wow. Well done, Rudy!

RudyKelly said...

That's okay Earl, I'm pretty sure that's my other roommate, Matt. Mostly because he said he was going to comment on it and then started giggling like a moron but wouldn't let me read what he wrote. He's 5, so give him a break.

KMS2 said...

Did Boogaard even get one second of ice time?

Finny, hope you had a good time! At least it wasn't a 0-0 game that went to shootout.

Earl Sleek said...

That settles it. I guess we'll have to call the ANA/LAK rivalry the "Jean-Sebastien Series", or some derivation thereof.

KB said...


Emily said...

Hey, you guys aren't just regular gay, you're fucking gay! That is so awesome. But I'll still take fucking gay over gutless anonymous dipshit any time. This is California, after all.

mcfed said...

Totally gay!

KMS2 said...

play reasonable minutes

Yep, all 2:40.

"Jean-Sebastien Series"

Woah, not too fast. He's only our third goalie to make an appearance. We still have about three more to go before it's a normal Kings season.

Kirsten said...

Dear Kings,
Screw you all. The karma hockey gods were supposed to come in the form of a good team to take us down a notch.
Please don't do that again.
Wild Fans