Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Kings Gameday: Who's Up For Some Libel?

Los Angeles Kings (5-6, 3rd in Pacific) vs. Edmonton Oilers (4-6, 5th in Northwest)

7 PST, FSN West and CBC

Edmonton's Town Square.

Edmonton is a sad little town. Oilers fans are probably the most dedicated fans in the NHL because really, what else are they going to do? Edmonton kind of strikes me as that shitty kid in your 5th grade class who smelled and kept sand bees in his desk but you went to his birthday party anyway because he had a bounce house and a Batman impersonator. “C’mon guys, I have North America’s largest mall! And do you like festivals? We got festivals coming out the ass! Please hang out with me?” I like to think that they had Chris Pronger show up on a specific day where they had the Whore Festival or something and then showed him the mall to get him a sign. Then, a week later…

Chris: Hey, Raffi, what is there to do around here?

Raffi Torres: Have you seen our mall? It’s the largest in the North America!

Chris: Yeah, that was cool, where do you think I’ve been for the last week? But I need something else to do. Any nighlife?

Night… life?

Chris: Umm, yeah, you know, dancing, women, something like that.

Raffi: We have the Festival of Trees coming pretty soon!


Chris: I’ve made a huge mistake.

I don’t like Chris Pronger, but I can’t really blame him for (allegedly) having an affair; what else was he going to do?


This is just me spouting off from my awesome California perspective (you wouldn’t believe how warm it’s been recently, it’s like having a fireplace going all the time), but Edmonton seems to have a real inferiority complex. They’re not relevant like Toronto, they don’t have history or arrogance like Montreal and Ottawa, they don’t have a film industry like Vancouver (stop taking our jobs, assholes), and they’re overshadowed in their own province by Calgary. I was in Calgary this summer and asked a Calgarian if he ever goes to Edmonton. He derisively snorted, “Why the fuck would I want to go to Edmonton?” That was amazing to me. That’s like a murderer refusing to share a prison cell with a child molester!

The Edmonton Oilers are doing their best impression of their city this season, in that they suck. Their fans like to pretend that they’re a tough, gritty team, but they really just don’t have that much talent outside of Ales Hemsky. (I really like Hemsky, though.) They overpaid in the off-season for a defenseman who can’t play defense (he’s hurt now) and a forward whose best skill is his ability to grow a playoff beard. (Seriously, it looked like seal fur.) It's almost like Penner's goals last year were the result of his linemates... nah, no way Kevin Lowe fucks up like that, right? Their one goaltender is the biggest whiner in the NHL and their other goaltender is such a tragic figure that Oedipus thinks, “Wow, that guy has a rough life.” Finally, their coach… well, their coach was the last guy in the NHL to not wear a helmet, so I refuse to say anything bad about him.


So yeah, that’s Edmonton: the city is boring and the hockey team sucks. But hey, the economy is thriving, right? Pretty soon, you’ll be right up there with Columbus, Ohio in cities Los Angeles doesn’t care about.

Prediction: Kings win. Maybe not the game, but they live in L.A., so they still win.


Finny said...

ahahah... dude.

I'll be there, once again confused about who to cheer for. I heart Penner, so I refuse to say he piggybacked off his linemates' talents.

As for Lowe, well. What he did was, uh, low. =) I can hardly wait to see the press rip apart the Burke-Lowe feud.

Hm. I wonder if Penner's going to get his ring when he swings through town this weekend.

Megalodon said...

Remember in the playoffs, when the people in Edmonton were talking shit about San Jose? Jesus that pissed me off.

San Jose, even as inferior as it is compared with LA and San Francisco, has electricity and less than 1000 moose, and is therefore better than Edmonton.

sacamano said...

Why would we want electricity when we have all those moose to keep us warm? Sometimes you beach-heads really confuse me.

Anonymous said...

If you have a mother, I hope she slaps you silly for your comments about Edmonton

Anonymous said...

Kings win. Maybe not the game, but they live in L.A., so they still win.

AND they win the game. Roli looked badi.

Kirsten said...

I like cold climates. I'm pretty sure living in California with no seasons would just confuse the hell out of me. It's bad enough living where the only two seasons are way to hot and rainy.

RudyKelly said...

On Friday it was really foggy in the morning, but it burned off by 10 so I went running on the beach. I was worried for a second, though.

Earl Sleek said...

That’s like a murderer refusing to share a prison cell with a child molester!

This line is so good (and I'm so lazy) that I refuse to follow this up with my own GDP--this will more than suffice.

Ducks v. Oilers: one losing team will get a win tonight!

KMS2 said...

I like cold climates.

One morning last winter I had frost on my car window! And I don't have a heater so it can almost get to 50 in my apartment.

Earl, too bad Garon was in net because he absolutely dominates the SO.

Earl Sleek said...

Earl, too bad Garon was in net because he absolutely dominates the SO.

I don't think this matters one bit, really. You're forgetting how awful Anaheim has been at the shootout--no team has lost more shootouts since it was introduced.

Good goalies, awful goalies, good shooters, awful shooters. They're all likely to beat Anaheim in a shootout.

Last night's was probably one of our most lopsided losses too. Two Edmonton scorers put pucks past Giguere; I wouldn't say he was close to stopping either of them. Two Anaheim scorers got stopped by Garon; I wouldn't say they were close to scoring on either of them.

It's in the bag before there's even a first shooter.

ColBerdan said...

The Arrested Development reference made the conversation. Awesome.

OilerFan#32 said...

Like come one people Oilers are on a winning streak. Mathieu Garon is a excellent goal tender and gee people shut ur mouths about edmonton u havent been there done that and do stuff. IF u say anymore about Edmonton i am reporting u to the police on assualt.


OilersGoOilers said...

hey people Edmonton Oilers killed anaheim KILLED them yeah sure anaheim isnt that good just they cant stay out of the box... Calgary sucks in my opinion and a lot of others. I am saying a quick note on OilerFan#32 its that ur making a good point.. thanks