Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The 5 Ways I'd Change the NHL

As you know, everybody and their mom has been invited to write a lazy post postulating 5 ways they'd change the NHL over at Puck Daddy. Everybody except me. (Whatever, Wyshynski, Bon Jovi sucks. There, I said it.) Still, not being invited to something has never stopped me before (e.g., the prom, my parent's 40th wedding anniversary), so I made my own list. These are my 5 ways I'd change the NHL.
1. Institute the shootout in the playoffs. God, is anything more boring than overtime in the playoffs? I stayed up late watching that interminable Stars-Sharks game 6 and I almost missed my seaweed wrap the next day. Luckily Gunther didn't have an appointment the next hour, but I was so distressed I couldn't properly enjoy it. I guess more hockey is good, but only to a point. Put the shootout in the playoffs and let us all get a good night's sleep.


2. Put a cap on the number of Canadian players. Canadians like to say that hockey is their game, but the reality is that over half the revenue in the league comes from the United States. American viewers won't watch a game if there's not Americans in it, so let's cap the number of Canadians at, say, 30% and fill that void with good, honest, hard-working Americans. Don't worry about those Canadians losing their jobs, though; from what I understand, they have a great welfare system going on.


3. Make every game an outdoor game. We all saw the Outdoor Classic and thought it was awesome; why not have that atmosphere every game? Make every NHL game an outdoor game and the media will pick up on it, the 30% of Canadian players will feel like they're back at home, and sponsors will love it. People sometimes complain that the NHL doesn't get enough attendance, so putting the league in larger venues means they'll get more people, right? I see no reason this wouldn't work.

In a similar vein, I'd put the Super Bowl on every week.

4. Erase Winnipeg and Quebec City. I mean literally erase them with a nuclear strike. Hey, it's a little radical, but I figure if Roger Goodell can suspend NFL players that have never been convicted of a crime then I can commit a little mass destruction. Erasing Winnipeg and Quebec City means that I don't have to put up with the insane pleas of desperate fans who don't realize that the NHL isn't going to move into an arena with a maximum capacity of 16,000. That way we can give new franchises to cities that really deserve it: cities like Las Vegas, Houston, and Mexico City.

Umm, if he were gay then he wouldn't be married.

5. Shut down the pensblog. I'm sorry but I just don't get it.

18 comments:

Tom said...

Perhaps we can merge the Maple Leafs and Sabres franchises (nobody will miss the Sabres anyway), and have them play all games in an outdoor football stadium that straddles the border. With 70,000 seats, I assume that season tickets would cost about 1/5th the league average. I would seriously consider moving to the Toronto and switching allegiances just for this opportunity alone.

heed said...

good, honest, hard-working Americans

translation: mexicans

Nut said...

Playoff OT is awesome you wretch

andrew said...

Playoff OT is awesome you wretch

Also awesome: having a sense of humor.

Earl Sleek said...

Awesome list, but you forgot #6: Make August longer.

2. Put a cap on the number of Canadian players.

I think I just heard Brian Burke's head explode.

everybody and their mom has been invited to write a lazy post postulating 5 ways they'd change the NHL

My mom's list isn't bad, actually.

1. Clean your room before watching hockey.

2. Wash your car before watching hockey.

3. Do the dishes before watching hockey.

4. Mow the lawn before watching hockey.

5. etc.

BTW, no PuckToon today. I went drinking with my brother (the new dad) last night. Good times.

Joe said...

Nice Gretzky pic, very classy.

Anonymous said...

#1 No.
#2 Yes.
#3 No. Remeber the Kings outdoor exhibition in Vegas? I forget which year but Kelly Hrudy was in goal, what a mess.
#4 YES!
#5 no opinion

BTW, you suck!

Earl Sleek said...

Nice Gretzky pic, very classy.

Well, it's part of point #5, as it was lifted from the Pensblog's Wayne Gretzky Sucks Photoshop Expo. Thank someone named Zach Y.

BTW, you suck!

From a reader who thinks 40% of these jokes are good ideas. Classic.

Sarah said...

I mentioned this in passing on another blog, but with all the controversy about goalie pads being too big, jerseys being too high-tech, too much "clutching and grabbing" of equipment, implement playing in the nude. You know, like the original Olympics, or Mystery Alaska.

Of course, shrinkage would possibly disillusion the female fan base (which the sport has the largest of any of the major 4 sports, I believe), but many males would flock to the sport as some kind of self-esteem boosting.

Ksy92003 said...

Perhaps we can merge the Maple Leafs and Sabres franchises (nobody will miss the Sabres anyway), and have them play all games in an outdoor football stadium that straddles the border.

Hey, I love that idea!! "..and Thomas Vanek skates the puck into Canada." "Wow, Mats Sundin got checked all the way back into America!!"

Only problem is which National Anthem will be played first?

Ksy92003 said...

Hey, that overtime game between the Stars and Sharks was actually pretty good. I took a quick nap during the first overtime (Pacific coast) and woke up during the second OT intermission.

Playoff overtimes are like warm milk. They put you to sleep very quickly, but unfortunately it doesn't last long.

Nut said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

5 ways to change the NHL:

1. Remove Ottawa
2. Remove Vancouver
3. Remove Calgary
4. Remove Edmonton
5. Remove Montreal

;)

brokeyard said...

1. Disagree
2. Sure, why not?
3. Gonna run up the power-bill to maintain ice in Phoenix, but I'm for it.
4. Sure, but I say just do it with a simple image-editing program. Less expensive.*
5. no opinion

*Unless it's Adobe Photoshop CS3, then nuking is less expensive. And less devastating to humanity.

CJ said...

Criminy, thanks alot for that Gretzky art. I've run into Gretz at a local bagel shop a couple times, and I won't be able to look him in the face again (Wayne, you have cream cheese on your upper lip!).

Anonymous said...

Are you Pro Canadian Welfare. If you aren't, it is lynching time!I am for kicking Edmonton Oiler players in the nuts pre game too.Yes, I do hate them that much.

P.S. Canadians drink milk?I had no idea.

Mattstro Disastro said...

Yes, we drink milk. We Drink it up!

Doogie2K said...

And it's only the Ontario heathens that get milk in a bag, I'm sure. Here in Alberta, we get it in nice, sane plastic jugs.