Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

I Swear I'm Not Gay

I am outraged. This list of the hottest guys in the NHL is completely ridiculous. First off, I'm not on it. I know, I'm not technically in the NHL and I'm not technically hot or technically a guy, but still. Also: no offense to the ladies that put together this list, but you have terrible taste. Most of the guys on that list have pointy features (you could cut diamonds on Vinny Lecavelier's chin) and some of the guys are just plain ugly. (Also, why do all Canadians look like they just got out of the pool?) Ovechkin? C'mon. Rick Nash looks like a Garbage Pail Kid and Jordan Staal looks like the monk from The Da Vinci Code. And Rick DiPietro... well he's a good-looking cat, so that's cool. Overall, the ladies were blinded by success on the ice and did not pay enough attention to the men themselves.

Now, as an attractive male myself, I feel I have a pretty good handle on what good-looking is. With that in mind, here are a few NHL'ers that I'd totally go gay for think women would find attractive. Not that I do, or anything. Dude, don't be a fag.


Henrik Zetterberg

Obviously.


Mike Fisher

Fisher's got a Casper Van Dien/high school quarterback thing going for him. I could see him on the cover of a romance novel, hair flowing majestically as he takes the sheltered hockey blogger in his arms and... oops, sorry, I got a little carried away there.


Andreas Lilja

He's kind of scary-looking, and there's that whole "suspected of rape" thing, but I have it on the authority of my sister that he's good looking so there's that. Although she thinks Sean Avery* is cute too, so I don't know about her. I think she might have self-esteem issues.

*I don't know if you guys have seen this, but apparently Avery likes to wear shorts with his business attire. When I think of this, I think Ned Nederlander.


Henrik Lundqvist

I know, another Swede. What can I say, they're all gorgeous over there.


Steve Yzerman

I know he's not playing any more, but I still had to include him. I think he's the only old hockey player that doesn't look like a dinosaur now. Is it possible to get a boner from respect? I sure hope so. I call it a "respecto-boner."


Alright, I need to go do something hetero to cleanse myself of this. I know, I'll watch 300. Have you seen Gerard Butler's gluts in that movie? They're amazing.

23 comments:

jamestobrien said...

Rudy, I was prepared to say how worried I am about you...

And then you included Lundqvist.

mancrushblog

k.m.stiles said...

Hmmm, Zetterberg. You have good taste, Rudy. You're supposed to list 10 guys, so I expect Part II to come later today.

Nut said...

Yet another list in which you neglect to include Kelly buchberger, what's up with that? And where's Gary shuchuk?

Kirsten said...

Haha, this is an excellent post. Zetterberg is an entertaining and talented dude, but hot? The jury is still out on that one.

CJ said...

I still think Henrik Lundqvist looks a lot like Daniel Day Lewis. Come to think of it, I've never seen them in the same room together...

RudyKelly said...

Lundqvist looks like he's a part of Hans Gruber's crew.

Earl Sleek said...

I know he's not playing any more, but I still had to include him.

Stevie Y. is quite the looker, isn't he?

My only problem with him is that I got so used to seeing him with a helmet on that it seems weird to look at him these days without it. He should have had it permanently attached.

Matt said...

I don't get the Rick Nash love either. I think I wrote a couple of years ago that he looks like a guy who would take it out in the car on a date, a la Tim Watley.

P.S. u r gay

Trevor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brokeyard said...

I knew Getzlaf was going to be on their list. I had a desktop background with a picture of Getzlaf on it and my girlfriend made me change it because he was too hot and it made me seem gay.

Patty (in Dallas) said...

None of those guys was on my list. Rick Nash always reminds me of those guys with bee beards. And I certainly don't get the inclusion of Ovechkin. I think some people misunderstood the point of the exercise.

Sarah said...

I wasn't a fan of the final list. I think Vinnie is pretty hot, but the rest... not really my type. This list isn't terribly bad, but a bit weak. Zetterberg looks like a Muppet, Henrik Lundqvist belongs in High School Musical part 12, and Andreas Lilja would only be attractive if he was in the process of getting his nuts ripped off with rusty pliers and then fed to him.

VeryProudofYa said...

I'm sure you'll be able to get that background back soon enough, Brokeyard. Getzzy's going bald at an alarming rate.

Anonymous said...

I heard Avery has nice ankles...
OW!

Nicholas said...

Hey, Sweden!

You're a god damn traitor to your heritage, Rudy. You know what I'm talking about. Praising Swedes!

Sherry said...

I sure hope so. I call it a "respecto-boner."

He fills out a suit nicely too. The other old guys have got nothing on Stevie Y.

My only disagreement with your list would be with Zetterberg. At least until he fixes his hair.

Heather B. said...

Yeah, the final list blows. And everyone knows if you're going to go with one of the "suspected of rape" guys it's gotta be Henrik Tallinder. Definitely the best-looking guy involved in that situation.

I'm on the fence on Zetterberg but Fisher is a definite top ten.

Anonymous said...

He fills out a suit nicely too. The other old guys have got nothing on Stevie Y.

I beg to differ. Brett Hull fills out a suit nicely, too - in fact, he fills out several suits simultaneously!

Zetterberg has that casual beach-bum thing going. Emma must like it, so the bird's nest of hair is probably staying.

I would have included Nick Lidstrom, but then I'm one of those who is blinded by sheer talent. :)

Anonymous said...

And Jarome Iginla is pretty cute - nice smile.

MainTour said...

And I thought you would be more interested in the California Cheerleaders.

Anonymous said...

Where are Bobby Holik and Olli Jokinen?

Karina said...

Not bad, the Henriks would both be on my list.

But where's Markus Naslund?

It seems to me that Sweden has a bit of a monopoly on good looking hockey players...

lickjockfeet said...

I've had a boner for Steve Yzerman for years. It's noth respect AND searing sexual heat. Oh, Stevie!