Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A Helpful Guide for "Greatest American Dog"

Excluding hockey, I'd say my two favorite things in the world are dogs and idiots. Naturally, this makes Greatest American Dog my favorite show in the history of television. Nothing makes me giggle more than seeing some lunatic frantically screaming at their dog to heel while the pooch gleefully chases a stream of light. If you haven't seen it then here's a clip, and no I'm not going to give any kind of intro:

It's like someone put a camera inside my head and filmed my dreams. There's been two episodes so far, but there's still time to catch on to this surefire hit. To help, I've created a list of the dogs in the competition and which hockey player they are like. I'm retarded.

Tillman is a big, massive dog who can dominate a competition when he wants to. Although he is talented, it sometimes seems like he'd rather skateboard on the beach than practice. Plus, he's overweight.

Comparable: Dustin Penner

Ezzie (short for Esmerelda) is a small, sweet dog. She's talented but somewhat cowed, beaten by countless barrages from her coach. It's unlikely he'll reach her potential because of this, although a change of scenery could do her a lot of good.

Comparable: Lubomir Visnovsky

Some people may doubt Preston because of his beautiful exterior, but it hides a tough interior that strives to compete. This beautiful dog would kill you as soon as look at you, all the while stealing your girlfriend's heart.

Comparable: Henrik Zetterberg

Kenji is a massive dog. She could be the best dog in the competition but is being held down by it's poor coaching. Kenji often seems content to just surprise people with her natural ability than work on improving the weaker parts of her game. It's unknown if this dog will ever live up to its ability or if it'll be content simply being the biggest dog in a small dog park.

Comparable: Rick Nash

The scrappy Elvis is a snazzy dresser (look at his little tie!) and is as tenacious as they come. Quick to fight, he scares the other dogs (and their owners) with his sudden bouts of temper. Despite this, there is no doubt that Elvis can pull a trick or two when the competition is on the line.

Comparable: Sean Avery

Presley is young, energetic, and enormously talented. The dog is prone to the mistakes all young dogs make, but given time it is guaranteed that he'll be the best dog in the world of... dog tricking?

Comparable: Alexander Ovechkin

Galaxy is the favorite in the competition and is pretty flawless. He's been near the top of each competition so far and makes even the hardest tricks look effortless. His only downside is that his coach is a douche bag and he whines constantly when he competes.

Comparable: Sidney Crosby

Bella Starlet is a little bitch.

Comparable: Corey Perry

Star is a friendly, serene pooch from Texas. She loves to explore, although advancing age is making it a little more dangerous for her to be in that position. Through it all, though, Star accepts any challenge with a calm demeanor.

Comparable: Mike Modano

Beacon is a wild child, a dog without much training. He can sometimes be a great show dog, and other times he will run wild around the arena. The dog will always get a lot of attention because it demands it, but is not quite ready to be taken seriously as a competitor.

Comparable: Dion Phaneuf

Leroy is a forgotten dog in the competition because he tends to blend in. He's very talented, however, and could sneak up and end up being one of the best dogs in the competition before it's all said and done.

Comparable: Anze Kopitar

Andrew is a laid back, congenial dog that will leave a good impression on everyone he meets. He is also a very hard worker and constantly trains to improve his ability. He's not a serious competitor because of his age and limitations, but I wouldn't be surprised if Andrew impacted the competition in a meaningful way.

Gary Roberts

So there you have it. Greatest American Dog is on tonight at 8 on CBS. That's CBS: America's Most Watched Network.

(Okay CBS, now release my family.)


Katebits said...

So here I am, blearily drinking my morning coffee and poking around on the internet, and now (through no fault of my own), I'm considering setting my DVR to record a dog reality show. Thanks a lot, RudyKelly.

(also, hilarious post)

Anonymous said...

Your finest work yet, Rudy...which one of the creepy judges is Bettman?

k.m.stiles said...

As much as I like Avery, Elvis is way too cute and adorable to be him.

Next up: Project Runway contestants and which hockey player they resemble.

Megalodon said...

Jesus Christ, Rudy.

Earl Sleek said...

What? You didn't use a Shark comparable for the dog that got eliminated in round two?

I can't wait for some more Corey Perry drama tonight!

John Q. Phats said...

Bella Starlet is a little bitch.

Comparable: Corey Perry


Ken said...

Rudy this is awesome, I love the Rick Nash one...and even the Perry one made me laugh.

Nut said...

I like how when the Guy got voted off he looks at his dog and says "its alright!" and he's dog is look off in the distance probably thinking either,"steak!" or "I have to poo!". Nice post, but lets get down to brass tacks. You're the guy in the sequined shirt, aren't you?

Bryan said...

This shit was hilarious. Yeah that's all I got.

Earl Sleek said...

My sister adores this TV show, especially the antics of the dog Tillman.

Check him out on his skateboard or on his snowboard.


jamestobrien said...

I'm certain I won't watch a second of this show voluntarily, but this was still one of the best "what to do when hockey isn't on" type of posts I've seen this summer. I think there might have even been a couple tears in my eyes from that post.

Your excellence is almost excessive at this point Ruders.

Sarah said...

I love this post so much!

tamiflu said...

Fucking brilliant.

Patty (in Dallas) said...

Man. Another jewel.

RudyKelly said...

The Hannibal Lector of dogs Hahahahahahahaha

brokeyard said...

Wait so there's Elvis AND Presley?