Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Guest Post: The Kings Don't Want Your Detritus

(Alexander Dubcek is a Kings fan and a filthy commie. Here's his take on rumor mongers and the shitty trade proposals they shit out. Shit.)

Dear Rest of the NHL Universe,

Hi. You've probably forgotten about us. I can't blame you. We haven't done anything to warrant your attention in a few years, except when you pause for a moment to ponder the lottery (which we always manage to screw up one way or another).

It's easy to make a joke of hockey in L.A. (Just look at our abysmal record over the past, oh, forty-one years.) Kevin Lowe takes a potshot at the Ducks, but no one notices the Kings. We're too pathetic to be called pathetic. You can't be arsed to expend the effort to belittle us, even though Kings fans might more fairly be called "pathetic" for shelling out big bucks to turn out in droves (more than 94 percent of capacity) for the train wreck known as the Brian Willsie Experience and the Kevin Dallman Project.

Not that I'm complaining. We're a sufficiently self-hating bunch that we can bemoan and belittle our own foibles without any outside help, thank you very much.

No, the bigger problem comes on those rare occasions when folks from hockey "hotbeds" and "traditional" markets actually try to say something about us.

Plenty of rumors get bandied about in the offseason, some of which even involve the Kings. It's about the only time we register on the radar of media types outside L.A. But Canadian writers, East Coast writers and commenters all around the league don't bother to do their homework on reporting these rumors. (Is it too much to ask to check out Rich Hammond's site to check your crackpot theory?)

So we get things like the New York Post speculating Sean Avery could re-sign with the Kings with Marc Crawford canned. (Never mind that Dean Lombardi, who put Avery on "double secret probation" at the beginning of Avery's last season in L.A., is still calling the shots as GM.) Or all the wild "Malkin to L.A." rumors before the draft (a great move for a team sorely in need of defense, rather than offense).

And now, the new one making the rounds, a threesome involving Ottawa, Chicago and the Kings, a rumor in which every Ottawa hack is indulging in their wettest dreams of prying away our best players for a pu pu platter of bad contracts. Here are some of the rumors Ottawa fans keep throwing around as if they're plausible deals that would send Martin Gerber (not good enough to start on three different Stanley Cup Finals squads) and some bags of pucks to the Kings:

"But I am hearing Kopitar and a prospect is from the Kings."

"If the Kings are giving up Kopitar and a prospect they better be getting something serious in return and if they aren't lets cut Chicago out of the mix and just get Kopitar..."

""I can't see them moving Kopitar either. Frolov maybe???"

""Spezza to the Kings from the Sens. Vermette and Neil plus a pick to the Hawks. Prospect plus pick to the Kings from the Hawks. Kopitar from the Kings to the Sens. Barker and Khabibulin from Chicago.

"Ottawa gets loaded somehow. Chicago unloads salary and gets some good player value in return. Spezza's 7 mil contract helps LA get closer to the cap and also gives them a potential superstar talent in return plus they get a prospect and pick out of it too."

"To LA: G Khabibulin D Barker

To Chi: C Vermette RW Neil

To Ott:
C Anze Kopitar"

"I could see...

To LA: Meszaros Vermette 1st Round Pick (Ottawa)

To Chicago Neil Gerber

To Ottawa Khabibulin Kopitar

And, well, it just goes on from there. Supposedly Ottawa's a good hockey market (being the capital of Canadia and all), but clearly good hockey market does not equal fan base with a clue.

So, please, Ottawa, Edmonton, New York, and all other parts north and east of L.A. -- if you're just going to pull these rumors out of your ass, do us a favor and keep ignoring us.

To paraphrase an old axiom: If you don't have anything intelligent to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.


Why do we as fans hate bad trade proposals so much? It could be that we're just offended by the sheer stupidity of them, or we're upset at the lack of respect the player on our team receives, but I don't think that quite explains it. I think I get upset because I am presented with a world where the Kings don't have that player. That's okay when it's someone like Armstrong or Preissing, but when it's someone like Johnson I get scared. I'm scared because I'm confronted with the reality that someone like Kopitar or Brown or Robitaille or Hrudey will not be a King forever, that time will pass and that someday they'll be gone. I know Kopitar won't be on the Kings forever, but I don't want to think about it for the same reason I don't think about my parents' deaths. It's legitimately terrifying to me, and I cannot help but react violently to it. Rationally, I know these trade proposals are all bullshit and they wouldn't happen in a million years, but that irrational lizard part of my brain can't help but respond. I avoid sites like HockeyBuzz not because they're retarded (and they are), but because if I read them I'd probably suffer a stroke within the week. It's easier for me to just say, "Fuck you!" than actually consider the proposal and its consequences. So, fuck you, I guess.


Earl Sleek said...

We're too pathetic to be called pathetic.

Well, I don't mind including you guys in Lowe's "pathetic" tag. The Kings essentially have the same newspapers also not putting hockey above Iraq or presidential races.

Still, aspiring to patheticism? Is that still a team motto option?

Nicely done, Dubcek. One-sided hockey rumors (where an opposing fanbase regards your team as a vending machine of talent) are definitely a kick in the teeth.

Mike in OC said...

The trade rumors from these teams always make me laugh. If you really want to have some fun, post a counter trade proposal to them and make it as one-sided AGAINST their beloved team as they do against the Kings, and watch them really start buzzing around.

The more they buzz, the more you keep saying "it makes perfect sense because _______" but act like it really is a no-brainer with conviction.

You can get minutes of entertainment before it gets old.

Earl Sleek said...

Holy smokes! Ducks acquire Lidstrom!

Oh wait, Lindstrom. Still, what a day! Burke acquires a Swede!

RudyKelly said...

Who needs Teemu then?

Earl Sleek said...

Who needs Teemu then?

Well, as soon as Burke trades Schneider for Toews and Kane, and Marchant for Stamkos, I think Anaheim is set.

Earl Sleek said...

Burke acquires a Swede!

Well, I guess to set the universe back in karmic balance Crazy-legs Dipenta has signed to play next year in Sweden.

Alexander Dubcek said...

This just in from a very reliable source.

The Sens and Kings have worked out the framework for a blockbuster swap. Ottawa gets energy-line god John Zeiler, the blue-collar grinder Derek Armstrong, goalie-of-the-future Dan Cloutier and some much needed cap relief. In exchange, Bryan Murray is finally going to unload Jason Spezza, Dany Heatley and Daniel Alfredsson.

I'm surprised Dean Lombardi would give up so much for that little in return, but the source is a trusted one.

Earl Sleek said...

This just in from a very reliable source.

Also included in the deal: Ottawa picks up the right to retire Rob Blake's number.

Alexander Dubcek said...

By the way, Rudy. I'm not just a filthy Communist. I'm a filthy Slovak Communist.

Now you know the real reason Visnovsky got shipped out of L.A. It was either me or him. And never bet against a Communist when it comes time for a good purge (unless it's a purge of Communists, like the one that busted my ass down to the Slovak Forestry Service after running the country).

Earl Sleek said...

Well, perhaps the Kings have signed themselves a new head coach: Terry Murray.

Following the fine tradition of SoCal coaches named Murray, apparently (Andy, Bryan).

Doogie2K said...

But, Rudy, you're forgetting one thing:

Your team already accepted one of those bad trade proposals involving real players for detritus from Edmonton. So...yeah.

Doogie2K said...

And I totally missed that this was Dubcek, not Rudy. Anyway, point still stands.

Alexander Dubcek said...

Your team already accepted one of those bad trade proposals involving real players for detritus from Edmonton. So...yeah.

You may be right, Doogie. But, I think most of us recognize there were bigger forces at work with Lubomir "Cookie Monster" Visnovsky that limited the realistic return he could land. Like that behemoth contract. Or the fact that he crapped the bed last year. Or that he and his contract were about to become unmovable.

Plus, it's not like Visnovsky was 21 and only fetched a couple of spare parts in return (I'll give you that Stoll and Greene don't seem like a lot). It'd be different if people had suggested Kopitar or Brown or O'Sullivan or Johnson for Stoll and Greene.

Really, like most trades, only time will tell who makes out better. I thought Visnovsky was a good candidate to rebound from a disappointing season, but probably much of that was based on blind hope (the stock in trade of a Kings fan) rather than any firm basis.

Doogie2K said...

Yeah, it's true, Lubo != Kopitar for a number of reasons. The movability thing is pretty interesting; he sounded quite pissed on the conference call that Lombardi sort of stabbed him in the back with that NTC. You almost wonder if Lombardi couldn't have gotten more with a bit more time, or if he'd been phoning around for a while, and that package was the best he had to work with.

Also, I still like to believe that Stoll will recover and become the two-way centre he was turning into, pre-Pahlsson, and that Greene will see the light and suddenly become Jason Smith Redux. It's not entirely realistic, but I still would like to see it happen, because I do like them. Long as they have at least four off nights a year, if you catch my drift. ;)