Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Kings Gameday: The Smallest D Ever?

LA Kings (*cartoon noise of someone falling down a well)
vs. St. Louis Blues (28-22-9, 11th in West)


7:30 PST, no TV


Now that Jaroslav Modry has been traded, the Kings have one of the smallest defensive cores I've ever encountered. Seriously, the average height and weight of the defensive core is 5'11", 201 lbs. My rec roller hockey team has a bigger defensive core than that! Take a look:


Brad Stuart, 6'2", 213 lbs. Brad Stuart is the largest man in the world!

Jack Johnson, 6'1", 215 lbs. Thus ends the list of defensemen who can actually hit someone. Final tally: 2.

Tom Preissing, 6'0", 198 lbs. I wouldn't think Preissing was this big, but I guess he just doesn't play very large. When Tom Preissing is your third biggest defenseman, you know you're small.

Peter Harrold, 5'11", 195 lbs. I don't really think Harrold is 5'11", but I don't have any proof. Still, he's really fucking small. Generally, you don't want guys that are my size going up against Keith Tkachuck.

Lubomir Visnovsky, 5'10", 188 lbs. I've been feeling really bad for Lubo lately, seeing as how he's been sucking this season. This feeling that was only exacerbated when I read Mirtle's post today, which stated that Lubo is basically the 8th shittiest defenseman in the league (because he doesn't play hard minutes and still allows a shit ton of goals). I feel like my whole life is just one big lie! I kind of want to see this for last year so I know if Lubo was always this shitty defensively or if he's just having an awful year. Oh yeah, and he's kind of short.

Kevin Dallman, 5'11", 195 lbs. Why is Dallman listed below Lubo when the roster says he's bigger, you ask? Because, I reply, there's not a fucking chance in hell Kevin Dallman is 5'11". Honestly, do they think you can just add 2-3 inches to someone's height and expect us not to notice? Fuck you, Kevin Dallman, I'm not buying your shit.


Tonight's opponent, the St. Louis Blues, has one defenseman who is smaller than Brad Stuart. The Kings have tried to hide their size handicap by setting up their defense as so:

Johnson-Preissing
Lubo-Harrold
Stuart-Dallman

That Lubo-Harrold line is going to set a single-game record for "Most Turnovers in Their Own Zone." That's why I assumed the Kings would be calling up someone like Joe Piskula or Richard Petiot, because at least they can move someone around. I don't know, we'll see how it goes, but the Kings may have a little trouble tonight clearing people from the front of the net. Good luck, you little bastards!

***

The Kings called up goaltender Erik Ersberg today, probably to back up Dan Cloutier because I think Jason Labarbera caught the flu bug that has been going around. Jesus, are these guys making out with each other? Take some Airborne or something.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-1. Goals by Lubo, Stuart, Johnson, and Preissing. Afterwards, they'll all get together and steal Jennifer Connelly's little brother to give to their Goblin King. (I wanted to make a Labyrinth joke somewhere and dammit, it's going right here!)

4 comments:

John Q. Phats said...

I just got a mental image of David Bowie in a Kings uniform. :shiver:

RudyKelly said...

Erik Ersberg should be on that "Men who look like old lesbians" site.

Earl Sleek said...

I'll go ahead and say what we're all thinking. It's high time the Kings re-signed Dan Cloutier.

CKim said...

Dallman is NOT 5'11"!! Maybe with heels and an afro. That's ridiculous that he's listed at that height.

I'm SO GLAD I was at the game instead of listening to it on the radio. =P