Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Kings Gameday: Alternate Goals

LA Kings (*barf) @ Edmonton Oilers (29-30-5, 14th in West)

6:00 PST, 1150 AM

This game is going to suck. We've lost Brad Stuart and it doesn't look like Rob Blake is going to be able to play until Saturday. Plus, Derek Armstrong and Jason Labarbera aren't making the trip with the team, meaning they're without those 2 for the next 4 games. Starting tonight? Dan Cloutier. (Was I like a Nazi or something in a past life? I bet Dan was.) Plus, it appears that the Kings front office has decided to keep most of our young guys in Manchester so they can get a taste of the playoffs (Purcell was sent down on Thursday), so we're going to be rocking the old guys line-up. Here's just a general idea of what the team will look like tonight:




Mmm, tanky. Basically, if you didn't read any of the above, the Kings are doomed. So, with that in mind, I thought I'd give them some alternate goals for tonight (since winning seems out of the question):

-Get Ivanans a fight
-Have Jack Johnson slash Dustin Penner in the face
-Let Brown completely decimate Ladislav Smid
-Put Horcoff out for the season... wait, scratch that
-Try to accidentally on purpose hit Brian Willsie with a slap shot when he skates in front of the net
-Let Edmonton win (do you want Anaheim winning the Stanley Cup and then drafting 1st overall?)

Get used to seeing this.

This is the start of a long, hard trek for Kings fans as we journey to the end of the season. To help, I'll be putting up a funny picture every post to help make us all feel better. To kick it off:


My roommate was telling me about Barry Melrose Rocks' most recent post while I was toweling off (...what?), and I blanched at the idea that Scott Parker looked tougher than Raitis Ivanans.* Then I saw the picture of Parker and almost pooed. That is the scariest man in the history of the NHL. My favorite part of that picture is that he has his own last name tattooed on his arm.

*My argument was that Parker looks like a guy who would beat you with a metal chain, but Ivanans looks like a guy who would drink wine out of a skull. I'm sorry, but I look at him and the first word that comes to my mind is, "Genocide."


Kirsten said...

Doesn't Raffi Torres have his own name tattooed on his arm too? I could be wrong about that.

andrew said...

Dude, Parker's from Hanford. He just looks like that so he'll fit in back home. His mom probably has more tats than he does.

(I know he grew up in Alaska, but still, he was born in the WT Mecca. That kind of influence doesn't wash away.)

Megalodon said...

Raffi Torres has "Raffi" tattooed on his arm, but that's in honor of the children's singer/songerwriter of "Baby Beluga" fame.

And Rudy, what's so bad about having a Thornton on your top line?

RudyKelly said...

More luminous Hanfordites:

Ken Caminiti- Baseball player, died of drug overdose-induced heart attack.

Lorenzo Neal- Fullback, coincidentally the scariest man in football.

Darrell Winfield- Actor, former Marlboro man

Oh, and Bakersfield is unquestionably the White Trash Mecca.

andrew said...

"Oh, and Bakersfield is unquestionably the White Trash Mecca."

It is pretty awful, I'll agree. I don't know if it's worse than Taft...per capita, it has to be the worst. The whole city stinks like oil rigs and crystal meth.

RudyKelly said...

Meg, just because someone has a similar name to someone else doesn't mean they're like them, or have you already forgotten Gadolf Titler?

Earl Sleek said...

(do you want Anaheim winning the Stanley Cup and then drafting 1st overall?)

I didn't see any voting buttons, but I'm squarely behind this notion. If the cards get played right, I might spend all summer writing personal thank you notes to Kevin Lowe.

RudyKelly said...

Oh yeah, they activated Blake today so he might play tonight. I think that means Blake will play with Johnson. Over/under on Johnson's minutes tonight: 25:30. Any takers?

chris in torrance said...

Not only was the game not televised, it got preempted(?) by UCLA basketball on the radio. Hockey is the stepchild of organized sports, ugh!!

Cloutier is back in Cloutier form, giving up 5 goals again, 2 games straight now. Is there any way possible the Kings don't buy him out after the season or are they really going to make us suffer thru another season of this. ?!