Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Kings Gameday: Let's Talk Lines

Los Angeles Kings (12-16-2, Last in West) @ Chicago Blackhawks (14-13-2, 12th in West)

5:30 PST, FSN West

I love messing with lines. When I’m bored in class or at a funeral I’ll usually tinker with the Kings’ line-ups from the past, trying to figure out if Vitali Yachmenev’s career could have been saved if only he had played with Kai Nurminen for just a little while longer. (God were we terrible in the late-90s.) With Frolov possibly coming back tonight, I thought it would be a good time to take a look at the options Crawford has going into the game.

***

That's the best line: Kopitar by himself.

The first forward line, in my opinion, should be Brown-Kopitar-O’Sullivan. I’m pretty sure Cammalleri is still working through the groin injury he had a while ago, and besides, I really liked Irish’s hustle when he played with Kopitar. Keep Cammy on the power play, since he’s still effective there, but move him down to play with Frolov. Joining Cammy and Frolov should be Nagy. I know, you’re wondering, “But Rudy, who will play center? Also, I bet your penis is huge!” First of all, thank you, it is. Second of all, I figure just throw Cammy out there on face-offs and then let them figure it out. Cammy takes face-offs for Kopitar sometimes anyway, so I think he could handle it. If Nagy’s still hurt, throw some schmuck like Willsie out there and hope Cammy hits him in the face with a puck.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to do the face-off?" "I thought you were..."

The third line would be constructed with the idea of being a stopper line, since Handzus has been kicking ass at it lately. (He completely shut down the Sedin twins last game, it was awesome.) I’d put him with Calder and Giuliano, who I hate but isn’t that bad if you just forbid him from actually skating with the puck. It doesn’t give Calder that much of an avenue to score, but I think this is the spot that’s best for him right now. The fourth line could be the “Rudy Kelly Memorial All-Stars” and be comprised of Thornton/Ivanans, Armstrong, and Willsie/Zeiler. (Jesus, no wonder this team is sinking with all this dead weight).

Of course, this whole thing could be easier if we called up Teddy Purcell. (I can’t remember another Teddy since Roosevelt, does anyone else? I think it’s pretty cool.) He could play with Kopitar, allowing O’Sullivan to move down and play with Handzus. That third line ain’t nothing to fuck with. Oh well, I guess Crawford needs his unskilled guys.

The defense is pretty good right now, I’d say. Crawford finally moved Lubo back to the right side and put him with Stuart, and I think that’s the right call. Lubo needs a guy like Stuart who is guaranteed to stay back; sometimes, I think him and Blake got confused about who was supposed to be jumping in and it led to odd-numbered attacks for the other team. Meanwhile, Bowlby has been put with Jack Johnson, and I think both have stepped up their physical game because of it. The third line is the traditional hockey fan’s favorite duo, Tom Preissing and Jaroslav Modry. The Kings used them effectively in the last game, though, putting Modry on the penalty kill with Blake and putting Preissing on the power play with Stuart. Stuart and Blake play both special teams while Johnson and Lubo play more 5-on-5, allowing them to make use of their ability to jump in. All in all, good stuff. Nice work, Crawford.

Drunk Fan (okay, me): "Fuck his mouth, Blake! FUCK HIS MOUTH!!!"

I don’t know, I still can’t bring myself to get too worked up about where we are. We’ve been playing pretty well recently without our top scorer and our #1 goaltender; once those two get back, I think the Kings are going to kick a lot of ass. Except for Phoenix, we’ll probably still get stomped by them.

Chicago, meanwhile, is starting to falter after being one of the surprise stories of the early season. They’re just a little too old on defense and a little too young on offense to keep it together over a full season, methinks. Besides, they have this guy as one of their superstars:

Do you think he wears special shoulder pads to protect his supple breasts?

I’m sorry, but there’s no way he’s a real hockey player. He’s more likely to be date raped than to win any battles in the corner. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some sort of Mulan thing going on. You know what he looks like? He looks like a girl Dustin Brown would drunkenly fuck and then never call again when he realized what he'd done. That’s not what you want your best player to look like. (In my experience they should look like a raccoon.)

Prediction: Kings win, 4-3. Goals by Kopitar, Willsie, Preissing and Brown, who gets angrily confronted by Kane after the game; the two will end up sleeping together again tonight. (Now that’s a prediction!)

Update: Okay, everyone needs to go to the Kings website and watch their all-star video, if only to see Lubo say the only two words he knows in English: "Vote" and "Cookie."

8 comments:

Earl Sleek said...

That’s not what you want your best player to look like. (In my experience they should look like a raccoon.)

Very very true. I wonder if once Kopitar hits paydirt from Lombardi whether there's some raccoon-removing surgery in his future.

spade-in-victorhell said...

teddy bruschi from the asshole patriots...teddy ruxpin some stupid talking toy bear from a few years back...teddy kennedy...the old senator whos always drunk and spouting shit...and teddy dez nuts...um i made that last one up...nooo seriously

mispelling of the day for the spelling nazi's:
see last teddy reference above

Earl Sleek said...

Actually, I take back my comment on Kopitar and raccoon surgery. What the Kings should really do is market Kopi's dark eyes, kind of like what the Ducks have done with Parros' moustache.

I can see it now: Kopitar-brand eye-liner, for the die-hard Kings fan.

teddy ruxpin some stupid talking toy bear from a few years back...

This cracked me up. I remember this stupid bear!

RudyKelly said...

I think Dean will just put a few dumpsters outside the Staples Center and hope that Kopitar just kind of moves in.

"Hey Anze, let's go, game time!"

"Hiss!" (*runs away)

doctorgonzzzo said...

In some weird aligning of the cosmos, last week "Famous Teddy's" was a category on Family Feud. The answers were Roosevelt, Bear, and Kennedy (kudos, Spade-in-whatever). Sadly, Ruxpin got no respect from the dude from Seinfeld or the rest of the Family Fued crew. Jacopo Peterman is not a very good Feud host, its sad that Al Borland did a better job than anyone, but I guess both are better than Louis Anderson.

Earl Sleek said...

...see Lubo say the only two words he knows in English: "Vote" and "Cookie."

That was pretty awesome. I'm no linguist, but it seems to me that Lubo's much more adept at saying "Cookie" than he is at saying "Vote".

A couple of times I think he said, "Voight for Lubo", which wouldn't be a bad campaign to run either.

RudyKelly said...

Quiet Earl, you're going to give Dean the wrong idea and I'm going to read that the Kings traded Lubo for the star of such films as "Anaconda," "Friday Night Lights," and "Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2."

spade-in-victorhell said...

as long as you get a night with his daughter in the package...I'd make that trade