Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Kings Gameday: The Golden Age of Enforcers?

(Busy day here at BoC, so make sure you check out Earl's gameday post below. It's got analysis, or some shit like that. Whatever, analysts say you can't drink at 9 in the morning, so what do they know?)

Los Angeles Kings (11-16-2) vs. Vancouver Canucks (16-10-3)

7:30 PST, FSN West

Yeah, yeah, the Kings can’t beat Phoenix, whatever. I haven’t been worrying about it too much; instead, I’ve been considering that we might be living in the Golden Age of enforcers in the Pacific division. Every team has someone awesome who can fight, and each guy has a little something about him that makes him significantly cooler than the average hockey player. Look:

I think Parros is making that kid uncomfortable. Look how he's leaning away.

George Parros, Anaheim Ducks. The legacy of this guy is overblown, but there’s a reason people liked him in the first place. Moustache. Princeton degree. Long, wild hair. Comically bad balance. Likes Night Ranger, which is kind of like an even gayer version of Nelson. It’s kinda bandwagon now, but George Parros is still a pretty awesome guy.


Don't bite his face, Raitis! Bad Raitis!

Raitis Ivanans, Los Angeles Kings. Raitis Ivanans took a Rob Blake slap shot to the face and did not get knocked out. He didn’t even fall down. He’s like Colossus if Colossus couldn’t turn into metal. I’d be afraid to talk to him, lest I somehow offend him and wake up trying to pick my teeth out of my crap. He can’t fight right now, but don’t worry, he’s making notes. He’ll be back.

"Did you hit his knees? You mother fucker!"

Douglas Fucking Murray, San Jose Sharks. I’ve been a fan of Dog Murray before he realized he needed to fight for his food, but he’s taken his awesomeness to a whole new level. Douglas Fucking Murray (as Meg pointed out, that sounds like two guys are having sex) owns a company, is Swedish, has a cool nickname (“Crankshaft”), and is unique because he doesn’t go around looking for fights. Dog Murray generally fights when one of his teammates has been wronged, usually when someone goes after their knees (Dog Murray HATES it when people go after knees). He’s a noble guy, and I dig that.


I'm half-expecting him to pull out a gun any second.

Danny Carcillo, Phoenix Coyotes. I don’t know much about this guy, other than he’s smaller than anyone else on this list and that he’s a fucking lunatic. Seriously, I’ve watched Sean Avery, and this guy makes Sean Avery look like Jari Kurri. He belongs on the plane in Con Air, not on the ice. He may never fight any of the other big boys on this list, but I imagine he would in a heartbeat. Get this man some therapy.

The Rifle, unloading on a Red Wing.

Brad Winchester, Dallas Stars. I almost didn’t put this guy on the list since he’s not really as cool as the other guys, but I needed him to finish the list. Plus, his name is Brad Winchester. I can’t hear his name without blurting out, “Awesome!” Winchester. That’s his last name. Even better, his nickname is “The Rifle.” I would give either nut for the opportunity to be nicknamed “The Rifle.” He could be a florist and I bet he’d be the baddest assed florist in the world. Work with blood orchids, or something.


So yeah, we're doin' pretty well in terms of enforcers. Who would you guys want on your team?

Prediction: Kings win, 4-3. Goals by... I don't know, these things don't matter anyway. Sammy Pahlsson, with all 7 goals.

15 comments:

Doogie said...

If you want awesome for Winchester, here you go.

Stealing the Wings' octopus after the anthems before the JLA ice boys could get it? Awesome. The fact that the Oilers won that game, and ultimately the series? Priceless.

Finny said...

Hahha... sammy p!...

I'll take and keep parros, thanks. I'm not a Carcillo fan (maybe cuz he does cause such a ruckus... but I'd bet I would like him if he was a Duck)... Winchester can stay away for all I care... and that Raitis dude freaks me out like no other. I think I call him "Scary Dude on the Kings"...

I basically hide from him when I go to Kings games...

Megalodon said...

According to the new video up on the sharks page, if Douglas Murray had a band, it would be called "Crankshafts."

The first single? "The Ballad of the the Knee Avenger."

WufPirate said...

George Parros = Not just a moustache. Porn-stache.

Mr. Plank said...

DougLAS Murray because the guys such a man that he prefers to be called Douglas over Doug. It's safe to say that he'd beat the shit out of anyone on that list. And his plus/minus is in the top five in the NHL. That's saying something.

Earl Sleek said...

On Douglas Murray: It's safe to say that he'd beat the shit out of anyone on that list.

(spits out beverage) WHAT?

Listen, I don't mind saying that Douglas Murray is the best player on that list, but whether he's a heavyweight or not remains to be seen.

It's safe to say that Mr. Plank is a Sharks fan, though.

Megalodon said...

He might not be able to beat them all in a fight...but he will knock them out with the power of ROCK! Woooooooo Crankshafts!

RudyKelly said...

I'm with Earl, let's not get carried away about Doug Murray. He's never fought a Laraque or a Parros; he fights guy like Todd "Human Punching Bag" Fedoruk and Ian Laperriere. Murray doesn't really try to be a traditional enforcer, though. He just picks guys who mess with one of his players and beats the hell out of him. I think Ivanans could take him when his face isn't all jacked up. That's just me, though.

mr. plank said...

Haha well said everyone, I may have gotten carried away. Yes I am a Sharks fan (hard to guess huh?). I just respect the man, he's probably the only Shark not named Joe Thornton this year who's been playing well consistently throughout the year.

Earl Sleek said...

he's probably the only Shark not named Joe Thornton this year who's been playing well consistently throughout the year.

I'd throw Nabokov and Ozolinsh on this list, but yeah, it definitely tails off fast.

doctorgonzzzo said...

I would agree That Dog the Knee Injurerer Hunter is not in the same league, but I don't think Parros is in the same league as Ivanans either (why we let him go). When he was with the Kings I never saw him really really win a fight. Come to think of it, I never really saw him lose a fight, he just falls down. Bob Miller would just finish saying "Looks like we have a scrap-" and Parros would eat shit. I think he has an inner ear problem or something. Or a bad case of vertigo. He is definitely the smartest on that list, but he's not a very good fighter. And he looks like Gallagher.

Earl Sleek said...

The thing about the Moustache is that I totally have been saying the same things about him, but I don't know what he did this summer--he's a changed player this year. Somehow he's found some balance, and it's not only made him a better fighter, but he's almost a player now.

I used to be terrified of Moustache shifts; now they're much more tolerable. And frankly, I'm as shocked as anyone.

RudyKelly said...

My roommate Mat keeps telling me that Parros is good now, but I refuse to believe him. Also, am I the only who thinks that there's not much of a point to Ivanans if he can't fight? I thought he was good because he's a good player for an enforcer; if Nagy gets benched and he keeps playing, I'm going to be pissed.

Bryce said...

Parros must've read what the naysayers have been spouting, since he absolutely ran shop on Shelley, including a great show of balance after his hold on the jersey slipped.


Then again, it's hard to be proud of beating the shit out of a guy named, 'Jody'

spade-in-victorhell said...

yea parros has been having strong games...not taking dumb penalties...winning all his fights...couple assists here and there...cycling well..doesnt sound like much..but for a true enforcer...thats not too shabby..good for him

p.s. beating up the other enforcer in his home rink in front of there fans(jody shelly) is pretty sweet
hats off to hnidy(cant belive I just said that) for defending platt and tattoing the columbus guy...making him turtle