Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Saturday, December 01, 2007

I Hate Ryan Smyth

"I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Eliot Ness, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!"
-Al Capone, The Untouchables

I hate Ryan Smyth. He's Exhibit A for why the whole concept of "being tough" is completely fucked in the NHL. Everyone acts like he's some sort of noble beast for standing in front of the next and being ugly, but he wears a flak jacket. A fucking flak jacket. You know, a jacket that stops flak. The thing is meant to stop shards of metal from embedding into someone's flesh, I'm pretty sure it'll stop a cross-check or a puck. So no, he's not tough. He's a cheap-shotting little bitch and I fucking hate him. What kind of a man refuses to sign a contract for a team, forces a trade, and then has the fucking cojones to cry when he goes back. At least Chris Pronger didn't try to pretend like he was the victim, you nosed bastard. That's another thing: Smyth looks like... you know in Beetle Juice, where Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin have to get into the afterworld so they pull their faces out about three feet? Or Pyramid Head in Silent Hill. That's what Smyth looks like. Fuck him.

In case you didn't see it tonight, Jason Labarbera had to leave the game because he got speared by Smyth. Smyth came in and dug his stick into "Nolte," then fell on top of it until it broke after Blake barely touched him. (What the hell, Blake? Cross check him in the back of the head, what are you doing?) It was a bullshit play, and for it he deserves to die. I don't understand why a play like that would be a 5-minute major if it had been Blake on top of the puck but it gets nothing when it's a goalie. I'm biased because I'm both a Kings fan and a goalie, but the 7th cirle of Hell is reserved for guys who hit a goalie after he's covered the puck. Labarbera was completely exposed and unable to defend himself, and Smyth knew it. After that play, I didn't care at all about the rest of the game; I just wanted to see Ryan Smyth buried. I wanted Raitis Ivanans to pick him up by the feet and throw him clear out of the rink. I wanted him... well, I wanted him dead. I'm not one to call for a boarding, but I'm officially calling for a boarding. Congratulations, Ryan Smyth: in a league with Sean Avery, Corey Perry, and Derek Armstrong, you are now my least favorite player in the NHL. Die.

14 comments:

voxel said...

More than Corey Perry. Wow! I didn't know there was a bigger douchebag than him! I have to see this spear.

Megalodon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megalodon said...

"big nosed" should have a hyphen, Rudy.

Otherwise, stellar work.

RudyKelly said...

Your comment should have [whatever signifies someone being gay], Meg.

Otherwise, stellar work. I'm drunk, by the way.

CKim said...

So he WAS speared. Nothing was announced or replayed at the game, so we were all just sitting there waiting. Not cool.

Chris in Torrance said...

I was at the game and my seats suck pretty bad, so I couldn't tell what happened. I was pretty much embarrassed by the Kings performance after the first period.

I have been convinced that Modry is our worst defenseman since we traded for him last season. Brad Stuart has been playing so bad that I was ready to pass the crown to him. No sooner do I tell that to my friend than Modry gets caught on the break away and takes what would have been a penalty shot hooking call, but the Av's scored. So now it's a dead heat, Modry and Stuart worst defensemen for the Kings. They both suck big time!!

Katebits said...

You should stop being so whishy-washy about everything, Rudy.

Mike said...

Holy crap, I love posts like this. Well done.

spiker97 said...

Yes, he was speared, but even the Kings broadcasters weren't sure what had happened at first. Hope he's OK.

Thought the Kings would do much better in this game, especially since the Avs had a bunch of hurting players and played the night before and traveled down the coast. The Kings actually looked half decent at the beginning. That 2-0 lead just killed them. Got to do 60 minutes, not 15...

Well done post though.

Heather B. said...

Best post I've read this week! I didn't really care about Ryan Smyth one way or the other a few minutes ago, but now I'm totally willing to piss on his ashes.

PJ Swenson said...

War Rudy Kelly's blog posts with f-bombs.

Kirsten said...

As an Oilers fan, I'd totally be willing to piss on his ashes while still half liking him despite myself. Help me to mend my ways and end this ridiculous attachment, RudyKelly!

Anonymous said...

Smyth knew that Labarbera shut down the Oilers the last time they played the Kings. Plus, I showed him a picture of RudyKelly's post about Edmonton. So Smytty looked down on Oilerland with benevolent compassion and did what his crude heart has asked of him many a time. So now all of Oilerland must thank Ryan Smyth for his crude play which, even in his absence, helps the Oilers win.

Mike Chen said...

Wow, this is the first time I've ever seen a player compared to Pyramid Head. Good call, RK. Now, if only you can compare someone's mullet to Solid Snake.