Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Kings Gameday Guest Post: (New Jersey) Devil's Dictionary, Part II

Los Angeles Kings (12-22-2, pbbbbt!) @ Nashville Predators (14-16-2, 14th in West... wow, what a bunch of losers)

5:00 PST, FSN West

(Here's part II. Once again, feel free to make up your own and put them in the comments.)

Masterson Trophy
- A trophy awarded to a player who would have quit hockey if they were smart but for some reason kept playing.

“That's a real hockey play”- Meaning unknown.

Spearing- Attempted murder.

Slough-Footing- A joke penalty called by refs to check if anyone is paying attention.

Old-Time Hockey- Shitty hockey.

Selke Trophy- This player plays the wrong position.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct- The player used two or more of the following concepts in a single sentence - GENITALS/HOMOSEXUALITY/DEATH/MOTHER/FORNICATION.

Calder Trophy- This player’s career has peaked at age 20.

William Jennings Trophy- This award properly recognizes the luminous careers of men like Rick Wamsley, Bob Sauve, Rejean Lemelin, and Roman Cechmanek.

Douche Bag-

Inconsistent- European.

Finesse- European.

Soft- European.

Talented- European.

Streaky- European. (Specifically, Russian.)

Visor- A device worn to protect a player's eyes. Real hockey players eschew them, because eyes are for pussies.

Maurice "Rocket" Richard Trophy- Awarded to the NHL's top goal-scorer each season. Created in 1998, the trophy was renamed the "Jonathan Cheechoo Trophy" in 2006. It was returned to its original name the following season.

Shootout (SAN JOSE)- A loss.

Heavy Shot- Used in phrases like "it's not a hard shot, but it's heavy," this phrase can have no possible logical meaning, when you think about it. I mean, a puck has a set mass, and it has a certain speed when it is shot (how "hard" a shot is), and that's it. There aren't any other variables associated with a shot that could possibly be described with the word "heavy." "Not hard, but heavy" - WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

“Does the little things well”- This player does the big things poorly.

Gritty- Sucks, but is Canadian.

Franchise Player- The best player on a given team, this player’s relationship with a team’s fans will go through 4 stages:

1) Euphoria, where this player’s unlimited potential makes him untouchable in the eyes of the fans; any expressed thoughts of trading him will be met with scorn and attempted murder.

2) Optimism, where fans come to the realization that their franchise player is not the next Wayne Gretzky but should still easily become the cornerstone of consecutive Stanley Cups.

3) Disillusionment, the stage in which the fan’s unrealistic expectations become the fault of the franchise player.

4) Scorn, where fans revolt against their franchise player for his inability to fill the void in their worthless lives; he will soon be traded to another team for $.50 on the dollar. (Note: Boston fans, skip the 1st 3 steps and go straight to this last one.)

Prediction: Nashville is leading through 2 periods but gets contracted before the 3rd; the Kings still manage to lose.


beingbobbyorr said...

Heavy Shot .... While it's true that the phrase "it's not a hard shot, but it's heavy," is meaningless from a scientific POV, it's used psychologically by hockey people to rationalize the incongruity of smallish players launching rockets. It is no surprise when big boys like Al Macinnis, Chris Pronger, Al Iafrate, or Willie Huber can pop the pill at 100 mph. But the human mind has difficulty witnessing Reijo Ruotsalainen or Lubomir Visnovsky get similar velocities out of much more compact frames. Hence, the use of the pejorative "heavy shot" to explain the implausible.

Anonymous said...

A goalie should know the difference between a "hard" and "heavy" shot. I can't explain it either, but it does exist. Rob Blake has a heavy shot. Pronger has a heavy shot. Matthieu Schneider has a hard shot. McInnis had a hard shot. See?

RudyKelly said...

Here's what I think it means:

Guys like Rob Blake and Chris Pronger primarily shoot from the point on the power play with an aim of getting tip-ins, so they aim low and at the goaltender. When these pucks aren't tipped, they hit the goalie square and make a lot of noise, giving the impression that it's heavy. A guy like Cammalleri, for example, is usually shooting high, so his shot is going to hit a shoulder or the net or miss. That's what I've noticed, anyway.

Bryce said...

Think of it this way, a boxer's jab will connect much much faster than a haymaker, and haymakers usually 'float' on the way to a someone's face:

See Fedoruk getting rocked by Orr. The punch wasn't nearly as fast as a jab or even a cross, but because there's more coming BEHIND the punch, a lot more damage is dealt. My guess is that a hard shot isn't necessarily a rocket, but it's something that overwhelms, overpowers, etc.

Patty (in Dallas) said...

Old-Time Hockey- Shitty hockey.

THANK you. Finally someone with guts to point that out.

Megalodon said...

Why would a "heavy" shot overwhelm or overpower, but not a hard shot? You're getting confused comparing it to the speed of a punch. When someone refers to a shot as hard or heavy, they aren't talking about how long it takes for the player to shoot it, they're talking about how fast it is traveling.

This is exactly what I'm talking about - it makes no sense to say something like "this shot overwhelms", when the only variables in a shot are how hard or fast it is traveling, the angle it travels, and I guess the spin or something. None of these make any sense to call "heavy."

KMS2 said...

So does anyone want my Bryan Hayward hockey card? Finny and Sleek already rejected my offer.