Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Ducks Gameday—If Reebok made a movie...

Anaheim Ducks (4-4-1, 3rd in west) at Dallas Stars (3-2-2, t-4th in west)

I'd write something about the Stars, but (a) it's Saturday, who wants to read?, and (b) I'll have a much better feel for that team sometime in our next seven matchups. Thankfully for the Ducks it's been an awfully slow-starting west; only three western teams are more than one game over .500 (MIN, DET, STL). Anyway, you can go read Andrew's Page, Patty's page, or Razor's page to see what's going on in the Hold 'em State.

Instead, I'll just say what everyone is thinking: what is up with the Stars' home uniform—writing out the city name but omitting the team logo?


Oh wait a second. A stupid movie? Replacing a logo with text? I guess I should look in the NHL mirror.

Prediction: Ducks 5, Stars 3. Goals by Beauchemin, McDonald, Kunitz, Pahlsson, and the Duck who has improved his game the most this summer—George Parros.

Go Ducks.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Earl sells his sAOL

Question: What do Earl Sleek and Dustin Penner both have in common?

Answer: We both signed offer sheets that way overstate our value.

Indeed, it appears there is a new chapter developing for me and my alias, as I have been offered and have accepted a hockey blogging gig at AOL Fanhouse. I actually spent a little while Niedermayering on this decision, but in the end, how could I really pass it up?

Seriously, check out this roster:

That's a pretty strong lineup; a pretty good who's who in hockey blogging. And really, that was one source of my qualm; do I even belong in such an all-star cast? (Feel free to tell me "yes"--I am nothing if not gullible.)

Well, I'm not too sure what the near future holds--I'll be submitting my paperwork this weekend. I figured I'd break the news now, though, as a heads-up. Here's how I think it might work out:

At the Fanhouse: I'll definitely be feeling my way around there a bit at first, but I'm hoping to settle in for 2-4 posts a week (we'll see). As for content, I'm still thinking about that, but I'm mainly going to stick to the Ducks, Kings, and Sharks--one of my key assets was that I could provide some California coverage. I'm going to bring an extreme western-conference bias, which works pretty well; since the unbalanced schedule that's pretty much all I've been watching anyway.

As for style, well that's the thing--Earl was brought on to be Earl. For sure there will be restrictions (I just watched an hour-long video on how not to get AOL sued, and it only covered photographs; I'll probably get to watch another one soon about cartoons), but I'll do what I'm allowed to do. It will be kind of strange to do a cooperative blog with structure, but I'm sure I can manage that. But seriously, if everyone could promise not to sue AOL over my first few posts, that would be real cool.

At BoC: Sorry haters, Earl's not leaving town just yet. In fact, everyone else on the AOL list is still keeping their blogs up to snuff, and I'm hoping that we'll see no real interruption in Ducks service here. I mean, part of what struck me watching that video was damn, I really enjoy the non-legalism we got here at BoC. They'd have to pay me a lot more to give this up. Besides, I'll need an outlet to put cartoons and drinky posts that are too racy for AOL.

It's really strange to think about how this all came together. Two years ago, coming out of the lockout, was when I first stumbled onto hockey blogs, notably Tom Benjamin, mc79hockey, Battle of Alberta, and others. I was sort of a lone Anaheim commenter back then, so when Mirtle started this karma-killing blog and I got nominated to be a voice for the Duck fans, well, who really knew how long this blog-joke would run?

In general: Hell, this may even be the motivation I need to go get Photoshop software, instead of my idiot's method of making graphics.

Anyway, a big thanks to those who stop by and comment. And of course to Mike, PJ, Rudy, and the gang for helping balance things out. It's for sure an honor to be invited, and hopefully I can deliver something worthwhile in a sanitized MSM environment.

So, anyone got any good ideas for a first post?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Kings Gameday: Old Friends & Old Enemies

This picture makes my heart smile.




Los Angeles Kings (2-5, Last in West) vs. Calgary Flames ( 2-2-2, 1st in Craig Conroys)



6:00 PST, FSN West

The Kings are coming off a good win against the Minnesota Wild. The win wasn’t good because they managed to beat a previously undefeated team, but because they deserved to win the game easily. The Kings shouldn’t have even let the Wild get into overtime or a shootout; if not for a bad goal let in by J.S. Aubin, they would have won in regulation. They even beat them in front of their mothers, which I found very satisfying. I know it makes me a bad person, but I hope it ruined their trip. Take that, Brian Rolston's mom!

Speaking of Aubin,I wasn’t too impressed by his performance on Tuesday. Besides the aforementioned bad goal, he looked a little stiff going side-to-side, resulting in a ridiculously lucky save (against Eric Belanger) that got a lot more pub than it deserved. Aubin has a little hitch in his movement, meaning he pulls his lead leg in before extending it back out when moving to the side. This typically hurts a goalie on rebounds and one-timers. The contrast is stark if you think about the way Bernier moved. (Hold on... sorry, got a little choked up there for a second.) Plus, my brother pointed out that he looks like Ricky Gervais. Still, I guess he wasn’t terrible, and that’s really all we needed on Tuesday. He's worth having in there if only because hearing Jimmy Fox say his name is hilarious.


Oh, you.


The Kings meet up with the Calgary Flames tonight and Old friend Craig Conroy will be there. When I think about what the Kings need this season, I think they could really use another strong, defensively responsible center to play with Frolov. They could use… well, they could use Craig Conroy. Maybe I just want him on the team because I think he’s awesome. He just seems like the kind of guy where you talk to him and then all of a sudden you realize that being around him makes you feel better about yourself. (Does that make me sound crazy? I'm not crazy.) If he scored tonight I wouldn't cheer, but I think a little part of me might be happy.

Also with the Calgary Flames is old enemy Owen Nolan. I used to hate Owen Nolan back when he was on the Sharks. He always seemed like a guy who got credit for being “tough” when he was really just a dick. The guy even looks like an asshole:

Eff you too, Nolan.

See? He looks like the kind of guy who would drive on the shoulder of the freeway during a traffic jam. If he died in a fire I wouldn't cheer, but I think a little part of me might be happy.

I’m going to be gone this weekend (my friends are going hunting while I get drunk and rail against injustice and Jordin Tootoo), but I’m sure Earl & Co. will keep you entertained. As always, if the Kings get scored on and you hear a faint “Fuck!” carried by the wind, know that I am with you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Kopitarded

Ducks Gameday—Poetic Justice for Bertuzzi

Nashville Predators (2-3-0, t-11th in west) at Anaheim Ducks (3-4-1, t-4th in west)

As usual a matchup with Minnesota produced more injuries. Todd Marchant is day-to-day with a bone bruise, and Todd Bertuzzi got put on the IR with a concussion.

Self-pity is for the weak, though. Poetry is for the strong.

Ode to Bertuzzi's Concussion

T his is a story of circular fate,
O f passion-turned-deadly and unbridled hate,
D umb ol’ Brad May put a price on a head,
D umb ol’ Bertuzzi nearly knocked Steve Moore dead.

B ut skip ahead forward a couple of years,
E ach of the thugs has resumed their careers,
R egrettably Burke kept May’s antics alive,
T o see him knock Johnsson right out of G5.
U pset Derek Boogaard saved up his bloodlust,
Z eroed in on Bertuzzi and got him concuss'd.
Z ip to the lesson—This Karma’s hardcore,
I t got Todd Bertuzzi to start feeling Moore.
Which Nashville team is going to show up tonight? The team that outscored its first two opponents by a combined 9-1 or the team that lost its next three by a combined score of 17-8? For some always solid Nashville perspective, visit the Forechecker.

Prediction: Ducks 4, Predators 2. Goals by Miller, Getzlaf x2, and Pahlsson.

Go Ducks.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Kings Gameday: BoC News Special Report

Los Angeles Kings (1-5, 29th in NHL) vs. Minnesota Wild (5-0, 1st in World)

7:30 PST, FSN West


CALIFORNIA NHL TEAMS BAFFLED TO FIND THAT SEASON HAS ALREADY STARTED

Experts blame nice weather, idiocy for mental lapse


By Megalodon, Special to BoC News


The three NHL teams in California were surprised to learn today that the pre-season is over, and the new season has already begun. The three teams, whose combined record is 7-11-2, were left scrambling.

"No way, really?" asked a bewildered Joe Thornton, star player for the San Jose
Sharks. "Well that sucks. I've just been messing around for all the games so far. Last game I played right-handed just to mix it up. And Cheech has been high on Mescaline for the past three days! Hey, Cheech! Did you hear about this?"

Upon hearing the news, San Jose coach Ron Wilson called a team meeting in which he offered a 500 dollar bonus to whoever could get Sandis Ozolinsh out of the vents of the Sharks' arena, where he has apparently been living for several weeks. "He kept asking me when we were going to sign him, and I kept telling him that we would when the season started," said Wilson. "[Ozolinsh] kept giving me this weird look, but I figured all Latvians did that."

Marc Crawford, coach of the Los Angeles Kings, was also unaware that the season had officially started. He was reached for comment at the North Los Angeles Clinic for the Mentally Disturbed, his residence between games. "Seriously? But I was playing that little kid in net for the past week! When did the season start? It's like 75 degrees, you don't play hockey 'til frozen outside! That thing in London didn't count, right? The rink wasn't even regulation size!"

Crawford, hair disheveled and eyes bloodshot, made his way over to a wall-sized white board, on which were drawn cryptic symbols, coded messages, and a King's goalie depth chart which begins with Jason LaBarbera and ends with the Speaker of the House. "Alright alright, everybody shut up! I can fix this! We'll just switch the lines up a little - yeah, that's the ticket! Lewis - put Zeiler, Jim Foxx, and my cat out there! And starting now, if the other team's top line is out, we pull the goalie! And line changes! Everywhere line changes! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!"

The defending champion Anaheim Ducks have been particularly short-handed without Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne, who both "totally forgot" to let the Ducks know that they'd be back this year.

"Aw, hell. I knew I was supposed to do something this month," said Niedermayer, while hurriedly putting on his skates. "Honey, where's my stick? How many games have we played?"

There was apparently only one player who knew that the season had started. "Yeah, I knew," said Lubomir Visnovsky through a translator. "I kept trying to tell them, but they just patted me on the head and asked me to grant them a wish. Nobody ever listens to me. I swear one of these days I'm going to lose it and shoot up this place."

Visnovsky continued to rant until Kings defensman Rob Blake found his "blankey"
and put him to bed. [Ed Note: Awwww.]

Rudy Kelly contributed to the hilariousness of this report.



Prediction: I can't think of a worse team to play right now. Wild, 3-1. Goal by Cammy, because who else?


Update: Nagy scratched, Willsie in for tonight's game. I swear to God, if Kopitar sees one second of ice time with Brian Willsie, I will steal every dollop of hair gel in Southern California. Do you like your hair, Marc? DO YOU???

The London Effect: Putting the “UK” back in “SUCK”

Well, it’s been a combined 10 games played since the Ducks and Kings split games in London, and of course results have been less than stellar: combined only two of those games have resulted in BoC wins, and both those wins came midway through the third period. Combined, the teams have been outscored 11-8 in the first period, 19-13 in the second period, and 19-14 in the third.


Now of course each of these teams has some issues outside of the London travel: the Ducks have been playing with an injury-compromised roster since day one, and the Kings are still trying to figure out how to work with their new lineup, from the net on out. But still, I think it’s clear that there is more going on here than bad rosters—between the shortened training camps and the intercontinental travel, King and Duck results have been adversely affected by the bizarre start to the season.

As things continue to settle, I think we’ll get a better idea of what we can blame on London and what we can blame on actual roster deficiency, but I think the warning is clear. Next year the NHL has announced opening the season in Prague—so far the Lightning, Penguins, and Senators have been mentioned as possible ambassadors. If I’m any of those teams, I’d take a hard look at how the Ducks and Kings struggled after their returns to North America; so far the evidence shows that starting overseas is a huge early hurdle to overcome, especially for teams coming in with roster issues.
-----------------------------

Interesting stat from last night’s game: The Ducks scored a 6-on-5, a 5-on-3, a 5-on-4, a 4-on-4, a 4-on-5, and a 4-on-6 goal. Six different types of goals; none of them your basic 5-on-5. Of course, as the Chief points out, the refs had a field day yesterday: 5 hooks, 5 trips, 4 holds, 3 slashes, 3 unsportsmanlike conducts, and 1 each of crosschecking, elbowing, boarding, and interference (plus a delayed penalty that never got called). At this point, I’m hungry enough for the two points that I won’t complain too much about refereeing, but I don’t find it exciting or compelling when a 60 minute game is reduced to only 25 minutes of 5-on-5.

The Ducks’ power play is pretty intriguing right now, though, especially with the depleted roster. In the last two games, the PP has gone 2-for-19 in nearly 29 minutes of PP time. While that may not impress anyone, I actually think it’s been a decent number for the Ducks when considering who’s been playing on their second unit. Over the last two games, Rob Niedermayer has played 10:02 and Mark Mowers has played 9:46 of power play time, predictably with no goals scored. To compare, last year in 82 games with the Ducks Rob Niedermayer totaled 15:04 of power play time and in 78 games with the Bruins Mark Mowers totaled 15:40 of power play time. In that ice time, they combined for one power play assist. I really have no idea why they are meriting the ice time lately (other than I guess there’s no good candidates to fill the forward minutes), but it seems like Carlyle is comfortable throwing away the man-advantage time.

The real boost, though, has been on the other end of special teams with the return of Sammy Pahlsson and his fabulous PK. In three games since his return, Sammy has played nearly 13 ½ minutes of shorthanded time, in which the Ducks have scored two goals-for and allowed zero goals-against, including Pahlsson’s game-winning shortie last night. Overall this year, the Ducks have killed penalties at a 73.5% clip without Sammy in the lineup and a 93.8% with Sammy. While the London Effect certainly affects this discrepancy somewhat, the fact remains:

Sammy is god.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Dear Jon Letter

Dear Jon,

Hey. I’ve been thinking about us a lot recently, and... I just don’t think it’s going to work out. I know we started off so great but I think we both know it hasn’t gone real well recently. I think we’ve both tried to keep it together because we're afraid of the alternatives, but it’s just not going to work out. It's just that you're so young and I’m not in a position to make a long-term commitment right now. You need to be with someone that can be there for you all the time and we both know that’s not me. I’m messed up right now, and if we stay together I’ll just end up hurting you. I couldn’t live with myself if I did that.

Maybe in a couple of years, when I’ve had time to get my act together, we can try it again. Don’t take it personally; I know it’s a cliché, but it’s really not you, it’s me. I hope we can stay friends and I’ll be sure to check in on how you’re doing. Hey, we’ll always have that one night in London, right?

I’m Sorry,
The Kings

Sunday, October 14, 2007

3 Ways to Help the Kings

You are heartless if this does not make you laugh. That little guy is so serious!


Does that make you feel better? Okay, let's go...

1) Have Set Lines. For fuck's sake, please have set lines. Tonight the Kings had Armstrong, Frolov and Ivanans out there for an extended period of time. I mean... there's a difference between switching things up and just having no fucking idea what you're doing. You know what else would confuse the other team? Making the Kings play without sticks. Send them out there with shoes on, the Red Wings wouldn't know what the fuck. This team has 5 new faces on offense; put them on a line and let them get comfortable with one another. If I had a say, I'd prefer:

Nagy-Kopitar-Brown
Frolov-Armstrong-Cammy
Calder-Handzus-O'Sully
Thornton-Zeiler-Ivanans

But hey, I'm not picky. Put Ivanans with Frolov, I don't care. Just please, for the love of God, let them build some fucking chemistry.

2) Play the Right Defensemen. I don't know what the hell is going on with our defensive corps, but something's wrong. To figure out what the deal is, let's look at the Kings' defense in terms of time on ice as compared to the defense of the Ducks last year (what?):


Lubo: 22:07 _____________________Nieds: 27:30
Blake: 23:17_____________________Captain Elbows: 27:05
Stuart: 23:06____________________Beauchemin: 25:28
Johnson: 20:01___________________O'Donnell: 19:55
Preissing: 16:01___________________Huskins: 14:04
Modry: 15:21_____________________DiPenta: 12:09

Do you see the problem? The Kings are playing their best defensemen far too little. You know it's right; how many times have you seen Modry and Johnson out there in a crucial situation? I think the Kings need to switch things up, putting Lubo with Stuart and Blake with Preissing. I'm all for Jack Johnson's development, but he does not need to be out there for 20 minutes a game.

3) Get Some God Damn Balls. Seriously, you guys are playing like you don't give a rat's ass whether you win or lose. I've yet to see a consistent 60-minute effort from any person on the Kings roster. I know you get paid whether you win or not, but you're killing me. I'm... I'm not eating right. I'm not sleeping well. I'm being asked to leave places because of my continuous shouts of, "Fucking Brownie!" (Seriously, my boss thinks I'm a racist.) I don't care if you win the next game against Minnesota (I would just be disappointed if I did) but I want it to look like you care. Kick Boogaard's ass, crunch Demitra, make it seem like you actually want to win. That's all I ask. I'm going to start writing like the Unabomber if you keep this up.

Kings Gameday: Ow, My Grief Bone!

Los Angeles Kings (1-4, 2nd in Draft Lottery) vs. Detroit Red Wings (3-1-1, 1st in Central)

5:00 PST, FSN West

“It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I'm terribly, terribly... terribly alone.” -Michael Scott, Me


The Kings played... I don't even think they've invented a word that accurately describes how badly they played on Friday night. They've played so poorly that they've gone beyond shitty and come out through the other side into a strange new world where "bad" is average and "good" is some strange unattainable dream.* I’d say it was one of the worst defensive performances I’ve ever seen. The game-winning goal occurred on a Bruins power play where Marc Savard was left completely alone in front of the net with not a single King on that half of the ice. The goal that iced the game was on a 2-on-1 that was helped by Jack Johnson retardedly pinching despite the fact that the Bruins player already had the puck.

8 GOALS?!?!?

Our defense has been really, really bad. Everyone (including Lubo, and you don’t know how badly it pains me to say that) has just plain sucked. I think Brad Stuart has been the best guy out there so far, and he’s playing about as well as he did in Boston. I was so depressed after the game that I didn’t even feel like drinking. Do you know how depressed you have to be to not want to drink? The Kings have played so badly that my roommate actually told me, "I'm sorry," like my dog had just died or something.


Still, it’s early. No team made the playoffs last year with a record of 1-4, but 5 teams made it after starting off 2-3. Right now the Kings aren’t making the playoffs, but neither are the Devils, Rangers, Penguins, Sharks, or Ducks. It’s early, people.

To take some positives from this season so far, Kopitar made Manny Fernandez Kopitarded twice on Friday night: first, he knocked him silly with a wrist shot to the face and later he bounced a puck off the post, off Fernandez’s back and into the net. He has 7 points in 5 games.

If you’re a Sharks or Ducks fan and want to laugh, check out either the Hockey’s Future or Let’s Go Kings forums for some severe overreaction. Here’s a sample of some thread titles:


-Time for Bernier to Return to Juniors…

-Modry Has Been Kings Best D-Man…

-Send Modry, Dallman, and Johnson to Manchester NOW ! (This guy wants to call up Jon Klemm, because he’ll solve our defensive woes by… being tough, or something.)

-It’s Officially Official- Brad Stuart SUCKS

-…and then there’s Cloutier…


It’s early.


Prediction:
It's going to be a long night. Detroit, 5-3.



*Tip of the hat to Megalodon for that one.

Ducks Gameday—Remembering history so I'm not doomed to repeat it

Today: Minnesota Wild (4-0-0. 1st in west) at Anaheim Ducks (2-3-1, t-8th in west)
Tomorrow: Detroit Red Wings (3-1-1, 2nd in west) at Anaheim Ducks (2-3-1, t-8th in west)

Well, back-to-back games starting tonight against the top two teams in the western standings, not to mention the two teams with the greatest tendency to get eliminated by Anaheim in the postseason (both got swept in 2003 and beaten again in 2007).

First off, there's the 4-0 Minnesota Wild, a game I've actually scored some tickets to. I don't know much about my seats, but I'll be somewhere in the Club Level--a first for me. One quick note about the Wild: last year the theme of this series was injuries. Marian Gaborik, Todd Fedoruk, and Chris Pronger all got hurt in the regular season, and Francois Beauchemin and Kim Johnsson were missing for postseason losses.

Now Wild fans everywhere hate the Ducks franchise, and who can blame them? Each time they've made the postseason, it's come to a quick and bitter end at the hands of Giguere and the Ducks. If there's a positive, it's that results were better the second time--the Wild not only won a game but also scored multiple goals.

Anaheim vs. Minnesota

Year

RdResultGF – GAOT gms

2003

3

ANA 4–0

9 – 1

1

2007

1

ANA 4–1

12 – 9

0


I don't want to seem overly crass about the Wild's recurring postseason nightmare, though; I've been through the same thing with Anaheim's own playoff demon--the Detroit Red Wings. The first two times the Mighty Ducks qualified for the playoffs, Detroit was there to knock them out, both times in sweeps. But since then, thanks to the balance of karma the tables have turned. The Ducks swept the cup champs in '03 and ousted the top seeds in '07. Red Wing fans, of course, have understandably developed their own level of bitterness around that.
Anaheim vs. Detroit

Year

RdResultGF – GAOT gms

1997

2

DET 4–0

6 – 17

0

1999

1

DET 4–0

8 – 13

3

2003

1

ANA 4–0

10 – 6

2

2007

3

ANA 4–2

16 – 17

2


Anyway, that's really my main point, Wild fans. For sure, I can understand the bitter hatred; Mickey has had its way with Minny in two postseason matchups thus far. But having seen what happens when fate balances itself, I get very afraid of what will happen the next time these teams match up--are the Ducks now due to be the cup champions swept and frustrated by a monster goalie in Backstrom? I'll tell you one thing--I'm definitely keeping a wary eye on this Duck-hating Wild squad. And for sure I'll be worrying about the Red Wings, but that's a more regular occurrence.

I know it's way too early to be talking about playoffs, obviously, but the schedule kind of made this relevant. Speaking of history repeating, though, this time last year the Ducks hosted a 6-0 Wild squad and a 3-1-1 Red Wings team, and beat them both in regulation. Why mess with history?

Predictions: I'll just stick with last year's scores. Ducks 2, Wild 1. Goals by Kunitz and Pahlsson. Ducks 4, Red Wings 1. Goals by Pronger, Niedermayer, Pahlsson, and Bertuzzi.

Go Ducks.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Video of Sharks friday practice



Here is a short video of the Sharks friday practice at Sharks Ice before the home opener tonight. Boston travels to San Jose after pasting the Kings 8-6 last night. There were a few conditioning and passing drills, but check the end of the clip for several segments with defensive 1-on-1 drills. Alexei Semenov and Sandis Ozolinsh are still practicing with the team, although late word is that Ozolinsh made spend some time in Worcester if he is offered a contract. Right Wing Devin Setoguchi was sent down to Worcester after missing time due to an injured ankle in preseason. Jeremy Roenick did not practice after tweaking his knee against Chicago.

Friday, October 12, 2007

NHL finds a new revenue source?


You should probably laugh at this now before it comes true.

Kings Gameday: Stop Making Me Look Bad



Los Angeles Kings
(1-3, 5th in Pacific) vs Boston Bruins (1-2, 5th in Northeast)

7:30 PST, FSNW, NESN


I’ve figured out what is wrong with the Kings: they’re spiting me. Everything I’ve said going into a game, they’ve done the opposite. I say that Bernier is wonderful and I want to open a baked goods store with him, he lets in 4 goals. I say I don’t care about Rob Blake too much anymore, he goes out of his way to make me hate him by sucking. I say Brian Willsie sucks, he… well, he still sucks, so that doesn’t count. Last game, I said Marc Crawford needed to switch up the lines and put O’Sullivan, Calder, and Frolov together, he responds by breaking up our top line and putting Nagy with Kopitar. I also famously said this:

"I expect the Kings to finish higher than the Stars this year because I can’t see from where they are going to get their scoring. I mean, Niklas Hagman?"

What do the Kings do? They let Hagman pot 2 goals and give up 5 overall. Seriously, what the hell? I mean, I know I’ve called certain Kings derelicts and whelps and overall douche bags, but that doesn’t mean they should tank their season just to get back at me. We’re all in this together… right?

So, as mein Fuhrer Dave Lewis and the Los Angeles Kings look to get revenge against the Allied Forces Boston Bruins tonight in Los Angeles, I’m hereby declaring the Kings doomed. Personally, I think the Kings should send Bernier down immediately. Call up Cloutier and let him start tonight! They should also NOT put O’Sullivan, Handzus and Calder on the third line. And they definitely shouldn’t put Johnson with a defensive defenseman, even though he looked great last game. Put him with Modry, let Blake play with Stuart and have Dallman up there with Lubo. He’s rested, he’ll be ready to go. I also think both Brian Willsie and Brady Murray deserve to play tonight because they’ve looked wonderful. Finally, I think the Kings will lose… BIG.

How big a dick is Crawford if the guy who looks like Hitler is "the nice one?"


Prediction: Bruins over Kings, 9-1. Lone goal by Nelson Emerson. Crawford will get a contract extension and Lombardi will step down so Sam McMaster can reassume GM duties.

(God I hope this works.)

Ducks/Kings: Name that Rivalry

For those of you outside of the SoCal television market, you may not be aware that FSN, the main broadcaster for Ducks and Kings games, has devised a Name the Rivalry Contest for Ducks and Kings fans. Whoever’s entry gets selected will win 2 tickets to each of the 6 remaining Ducks-Kings games this season. It’s really a silly contest, for two reasons:

1. The commercials. Both teams’ telecasts have been flooded with reminder commercials, each with the tagphrase “Don’t let a Kings fan decide” (on Ducks telecasts) or “Don’t let a Ducks fan decide” (on Kings telecasts). Of course, for the first game in London, these commercials alternated, leaving me to wonder: does this mean we should let a Sharks fan decide?

2. The futility. Here’s the real crux: there’s no really good new ideas that will come out of this contest—I can almost guarantee it. These teams have been called the Ducks and the Kings for a decade and a half now—the lack of a great catchphrase exists because there isn’t any real strong connection to be made between the team names, not because nobody’s bothered to throw a contest around it.
Still, my roommate and I did give the contest some thought—we are nothing if not great punsters. For me, the best I could come up with was the “Easily Displaceable Series (sure, ship us to London, who needs home fans anyway?)”, but it seems a little long. I prefer my roommate’s geography-based suggestion a lot better—I even turned it into a graphic:

Whatever happens, I don't anticipate liking or using the official-contest-winning rivalry name, but who knows? Any readers got any suggestions worth submitting? Or even better, any suggestions that are unsubmittable? I'm all ears.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Wicked Widget of the West

Attention Mac-using BoC supporters! In the grand tradition of outsiders improving this blog's services for free, Kelly Phillips of HockeyWidgets.com has built a Battle of California widget as part of his NHL 3.0 Icetime Dashboard.

Now I should be clear for those who are unaware--I am a techno-idiot. I'm a guy who still needs to make quotation marks with his fingers whenever he says the word "widget", and I've never been cool enough to be a Mac user. So while I can't offer any first-hand testimonial about how awesome this is, I have been assured that once I get widget-savvy, I will love it.

The widget (which sometime soon will be available for PCs) not only provides BoC RSS feeds and a link to the blog, but generally can serve as an NHL scoreboard / schedule with league and team statistics as well. Here's how the BoC front of it will look:


Anyway, in order to upload it, you may need better instructions than what I can offer. You can read more about it at Battle of Alberta and Battle of Ontario, substituting in "California" where it seems appropriate. If you have any questions or issues, leave a comment here and I will pass it along to Kelly, who deserves a ton of thanks for putting in the effort of designing widgets for all the Battle sites. Kudos!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Kings Gameday: Now You Look Like An Irishman

Los Angeles Kings (1-2, T-3 in Pacific) vs. Dallas Stars (1-2, T-14 in Western Conference)

5:30 PST, FSN West & FSNSW

Patrick O’Sullivan took a puck to the face in Saturday’s game. The injury was so severe that he had to have surgery yesterday and will probably have to go in for more in the next few weeks. Still, the guy is a kind of a pussy. When he came back on the ice about 10 minutes after his injury, he was wearing a full face shield. I mean, you might as well just wear a skirt too. Don’t give me that whole “he was playing without being able to breathe out of his mouth” jive either; when Norstrom used to get hit in the face (which was a lot), he just wore a jaw guard. This isn’t basketball, where a star player can hurt his shoulder and get rolled off in a wheelchair while crying, this is hockey. (Dwyane Wade is a bitch, just so you know.) Man up, Patty!




Lousy Irish.


So far the Kings offense has basically been Anze Kopitar, Dustin Brown, Mike Cammalleri, and shit. The best two guys not on that top line have been Kyle Calder and Patrick O'Sullivan, in my opinion. Frolov has been a disappointment to me. He's seemed a little tentative with the puck, like he was two years ago. The Kings another line to score in order to be effective this year, otherwise teams are just going to concentrate on Kopitar all the time. I think the King’s best option right now is to put Frolov with O’Sullivan and Calder, with Patty playing center. There are three best offensive players right now (besides the top line), so we might as well try to get some sort of secondary scoring. O’Sullivan has been playing great but has been playing on the 4th line a lot, which is inexcusable. Seriously, I have no idea what Marc Crawford is doing. He's like a mad genius without the genius.

The Kings take their unbalanced line-up to Dallas tonight. The Kings were terrible against the Stars last year, losing all 8 games. Let me repeat: the Kings lost all 8 games against the Dallas Stars last year. 5 of those games were basically one-goal affairs; the Kings lost 3-2, 4-3 (SO), 4-3 (OT), 5-3 (Empty Net), and 4-2 (EN). That seems a little strange to me.

I expect the Kings to finish higher than the Stars this year because I can’t see from where they are going to get their scoring. Niklas Hagman? Brendan Morrow? Jussi Jokinen is great in a shootout but not much else, and Mike Modano used to be great but is probably tired from nailing Willa Ford. Their defensive core is very good, with Sergei Zubov (who carried the torch as the league’s most underrated defenseman before Lubo took over) leading the charge while Phillipe Boucher and Matty Norstrom are well-known in Kingdom as solid d-men. And Turco is amazing; I wish he played in the East so he could be run out of town on a rail for being a choker and the Kings could trade Nagy, Preissing, and Scott Thornton for him. Still, they’re getting old and eventually have to crumble. I’ve been calling it for years now and have been wrong time and time again, but I honestly think this is finally the year where it happens. Turco can’t play 70 games every year, can he?


I was going to put up a picture of Mike Modano, but who wants that?


The Stars were better than the Kings last year, but I think they also got a little bit of luck. Hopefully the pendulum swings the other way this year. The Kings have extra motivation to finish higher than the Stars this year since they own the Star’s first round draft pick this year. So Brown, if you want to take a little run at Turco like you did a couple years ago, I’m completely fine with it.

Prediction: 4-3 Kings, with two by Frolov and one apiece by Cammy and Lubo.

Ducks Gameday—12,000 mile migration finally finds its way home

Boston Bruins (1-1-0, t-8th in east) at Anaheim Ducks (1-3-1, t-6th in west)

After a road trip that can best be described as "predictably brutal", the Ducks finally raise their banners tonight in front of the home crowd--Scott and Teemu are supposed to be in attendance, so that should be an interesting ceremony, at least. I'm not going to overcriticize the team for the lackluster start, even though the last three cup-winners have all had excellent starts to their year: Tampa Bay took points in 14 of its first 16 games (11-2-3), Carolina earned points in 13 of 16 (12-3-1), and last year's Ducks got points in all 16 (12-0-4).

This year's Ducks have only taken points in 2 out of its first 5 games, but I'm staying optimistic. Here's some semi-random thoughts I've been mulling over:

1. Last year's Senators recovered from a brutal start to make the cup finals, so a rough start isn't insurmountable. Ottawa took points in only 7 of its first 16, but unlike the Ducks so far, the Senators' goal-differential was pretty promising. Just a side note on the Sens' top line: it took them less than 2 games this season to score as many goals and points as they got in all 5 games against the Ducks last spring. Just sayin'.

2. Fortunately, the rest of the Pacific Division has started slowly as well. The Ducks will have a games-in-hand issue as the season goes on, but I'm surprised nobody in the division has passed the Ducks in the standings yet. Last year, the Pacific produced three 107-point teams; so far this year nobody in the division sits above the .500 mark and every team is getting outscored.

3. The main thing I can say about the team's rough start was that it was entirely predictable. The team had a lengthy spring, with the cup hangover and semi-retirements that tend to follow. They had a severely shortened summer and an abbreviated camp to accomodate two September games overseas. Then they hurried back to open the North American season with 3 openers in 4 nights.


I made the graphic to the left just to show the whimsy of the scheduling discrepancy thus far--after tonight's games, the two teams with the shortest summers will have hurried to play more games than any other team, and the Ducks in particular will have played twice as many games as more than 2/3 the league.

Besides the schedule impacting results, there is also the matter of personnel: compared to last year's squad, the team is short a #1 goaltender, a top-scoring forward, a top-scoring defenseman, a top-scoring rookie, a top-shutdown center, and a top-UFA defenseman. And really, all that's been available to replace them has been Todd Bertuzzi, Shane Hnidy, and rookies.

I guess my main point here is that when I evaluate NHL teams, I don't often hold them to irrelevant results. Last season I often ignored a 2-7-2 stretch in January when Giguere, Pronger, Beauchemin, Marchant, and Bryzgalov all had simultaneous injuries. The season before I isolated results for the Sharks after they inserted Thornton and Toskala, and for the Ducks after they shed Fedorov, Sykora, Carney, and Ozolinsh.

So I'm not reading anything into this ridiculously-scheduled start. Instead, I still look forward to what sort of success (or lineup, really) that these Ducks project to have with at least the additions of Giguere, Schneider, and Pahlsson.

4. Just for historical comparison, after the Ducks' first visit to the cup finals, they started the next season with an 0-4-1 start, so at least things could be worse. The first five games of 2003-04 were a truly brutal start: 5 goals-for and 16 goals-against; at least this year's squad has scored 11. Coincidentally, the 5th game in that Oct. 03 slump was the last time the Bruins visited Anaheim.

Sidenote #1: I'll give Boston credit for also starting this season with some tough matchups--they are the visitor for the home openers in Dallas, Anaheim, and San Jose. However, those openers are spread out, and after this trip Boston won't leave the eastern time zone again.

Sidenote #2: I actually was in attendance for that Ducks-Bruins game back in 2003. I remember that game because I managed to pull my wallet out at a beer stand, walk away with a beer in each hand, and not discover my missing wallet until I got home. So if you found a wallet that night, you know the secret identity of Earl Sleek (you bastard).
5. Back to this season, I'm at least hopeful that the Ducks' pathetic start convinces Scott and Teemu that they're still useful for this team. If I'm Brian Burke, I'm really hoping each of them watches the Columbus video in particular. In case you missed it, that was the game where it took the Ducks 16 minutes to find out Pascal Leclaire was in the Blue Jacket net.

6. At least the on-ice problems thus far seem identifiable and fixable. First off, the PK desperately needs Pahlsson back--9 of the 16 goals they've surrendered have come on opposition power plays. Two players that have been particularly exposed: Ryan Getzlaf has played 12 shorthanded minutes with 4 goals against, and Francois Beauchemin in 29 minutes has been on the ice for 8 of the 9 PPGs-against.

As for goaltending, it's actually been quite stellar for the most part. Ilya Bryzgalov has started three games and only allowed one even-strength goal. Breezy's problem is that he's been victimized for eight power play goals-against, plus the Ducks have only offered him three total goals-for in support. I didn't catch all of the Pittsburgh game, but Hiller's impressed as well.

Prediction: Sorry I'm long-winded today, but in support of the Ducks I've flown on two red-eye flights within the last week, and I'm feeling the lack of proper bed-sleep. Anyway, the Ducks' only win this season came on the only game I didn't make a gameday post, but I know what's been the missing element: Sammy Pahlsson. He's a possibility to return for tonight's game, and that's good enough for me. Ducks 3, Bruins 2. Pahlsson, Perry, and Pahlsson.

Go Ducks.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Most Terrible Time of the Year

Yeah, that wasn't close.

The Kings got their asses handed to them on Saturday, completely rolling over in the third period against the Blues. When your 19 year-old goalie playing in his 2nd career game gets visibly pissed at his defense, you know you’re fucked. Bernier played a pretty solid game, I thought; am I the only one who hears “Ave Maria” whenever he drops into his butterfly? I’m about 2 more good games from writing a sonnet about him, complete with iambic pentameter.

Oh, Jonathan, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...


The whole game was a little weird. First off, what the hell were Marty McSorley and Adam Deadmarsh doing out there with Rogie Vachon and Marcel Dionne? And did they really need to make Rogie wear his glove and blocker, he looked humiliated. Kopitar was his usual amazing self, making Emmanuel Legace look retarded. (I think we're going to have to come up with a name for this weird power Kopitar has on goaltenders; I nominate "Kopitarded.") Brown scored two goals that I could have scored, but those are the ones that he needs to get if he wants to earn top-line minutes. Finally, when Kopitar schooled the Blues the first time and Brown tapped it in, my brother put his hand out for me to give him a high five but it was too close for me to cross my left hand so I tried to hit it with my right, but that was awkward and I ended up just pretty much holding his hand. That was weird too.

As I was leaving the game I heard one guy say to another, “Well, that’s what happens when you have a young team.” Fuck you, random guy I’ll never see again. The young guys on the team played great. It was the old guys who gargled my balls. (Guess which movie I just watched?) Derek Armstrong was terrible on Saturday. 3 penalties, are you serious? I was this close to beating his face in with a tire iron, but then I figured no one would have noticed anyway so what was the point? (See, because he’s ugly…) Nagy and Handzus were pretty bad as well, and my God, Modry, you’re making me look like a dick for defending you a couple of weeks ago. I hate to say it, but this team looks a lot like last year’s.

This brings me to a larger point, and you don’t have to be a Kings fan to get it: the early part of the season sucks because every win makes you feel like you’re going to win the Stanley Cup and every loss makes you think you’re going to win the draft lottery. This is especially true with this Kings team, because they don’t have a ceiling or a floor. They could finish 5th or 14th and I wouldn’t be that surprised. Was the loss Saturday a fluke that I don’t have to worry about, or was it an indication that the Kings are going to be frustrating all year long? I don’t know what to think. In 10 games or so, we’ll all have a better understanding of our teams and have the benefit of hindsight to explain away early losses; ‘til then, we just have to deal with not knowing. I hate not knowing.

Your lips say no, but my penis says yes.


Oh, yeah, one of those things that doesn't happen in Edmonton: my brother's girlfriend was freaking out because we were in the same section as David Boreanaz and some dude from Heroes. I thought that was weird and said, "Who cares if some celebr- holyshitisthatKristenBell???" and then I spent the rest of the game staring at her to see if she was looking at me. Long story short, I totally nailed her- 4 times! Seriously, I still have the hammer.

(Update: Oh for fuck's sake, if you are going to be reporting on Jason Blake's bout with leukemia, don't make the headline, "Blake Has Cancer." I mean, c'mon!)

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Kings Gameday: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Hello, Gorgeous.

Los Angeles Kings (1-1-0, T-3rd in West) vs. St. Louis Blues (0-1-0, T-Last in Central)


7:30 PM, FSN West


The Kings get a fresh start to the season tonight, going up against the Blues. After watching the Ducks flounder around this week, I’m glad the Kings got a week-long break before kicking their season off again. I’ll be at the game, which is awesome. I actually don’t go to very many games; I figure I’m giving this team enough emotionally that I don’t need to support them financially. Someone got me tickets for tonight’s game, though, so I’ll be there to watch everything unfold. I’ll have a little write-up tomorrow, so look forward to that. Do it!

Prediction: 5-2, Kings. Kings will be up 4-2 (thanks to Brown, Nagy, Cammy and Blake) with 7 minutes to go and then Andy Murray will pull the goalie on the power play. O’Sullivan will get the empty netter. Also, Frolov will play better. Can’t play worse, right? Oh, and I'll fall in love with Bernier and we'll run away together, probably to open up a bagelry.



(Oh yeah, the Blues… in The Hockey News, they had burning questions for every team. For the Blues, it asked, “Do the Blues have the best defense in the NHL?” Umm, no. There, question doused.)