The Alyn McCauley Sharks Appreciation Post

If you didn't see the news, former San Jose Shark (and LA King but, uh, we can conveniently forget that since he was basically injured the whole time) Alyn McCauley officially retired and became an assistant coach at Queen's University.

It's unfortunate, but McCauley's last fully healthy season was 2003-2004; during that year, Sharks fans really got to see McCauley play to his potential. Not only was he the team's top penalty killer (nominated for the Selke), he was an effective second-line center able to win face-offs and create offense. A good skater, McCauley gelled on a dynamic line with Nils Ekman and Alex Korolyuk.

I know some of you are probably wondering how the hell a McCauley/Ekman/Korolyuk line could possibly be effective. However, if you saw that line during the last third of the 03-04 season, you know that they emphasized speed and creative passing and were often as much of a threat as Patrick Marleau's line.

I always admired McCauley's game, and during the post-lockout year, it was frustrating because you could see that his knee problems were hampering his effectiveness. At his best, McCauley was a smooth skater who was willing to play the body when necessary but spent his best games using body position and angles to defend while firing off crisp passes at obtuse angles to generate offense.

He was never going to be a point-per-game player, but I always appreciate the guys who combine hustle, skill set, and brains into an effective package. If he'd remained healthy, I'm sure McCauley would have been a perennial Selke candidate. Unfortunately, constant knee problems just took the zip out of his stride, and when you lose an important component such as skating speed and strength, your whole game can fall apart (unless you're Luc Robitaille).

McCauley was noted in Toronto as a great locker room guy, and Ron Wilson tabbed him as one of his ten-game captains during the post-Owen Nolan season. It says a lot about McCauley's character that he actually took it upon himself to tell Wilson that the C should go to Patrick Marleau based on how he saw the rest of the team turning to Patty as their go-to guy.

I always thought he'd make a great coach when he was done with his playing career. After all, the best players-turned-coaches are either the players who can think the game best or the players who can capture the spirit of their teammates as a motivator. I think McCauley had a little bit of both; without the puck, you really didn't notice McCauley -- he didn't land monster hits or cherry pick a la Pavel Bure -- but if you watched him from shift to shift, you'd see a combination of smart positioning, excellent stick work, and hustle. And while he didn't have Mark Messier-esque locker room speeches, McCauley's reputation as a good locker room player started in Toronto and grew greater during his time in teal.

For a lot of people, Alyn McCauley might be a mere footnote in Sharks history but during his brief time in San Jose, his combination of heart, brains, and speed made him one of my favorites. Good luck Alyn; I'm sure we'll see you helping out an NHL team behind the bench someday.

Kopitar Week: Kopitar's Greatest Moments

This Sunday, everyone's favorite Slovenian is turning 21 years old. To celebrate, we here at Battle of California are going to spend this week commemorating the lovable bastard, covering what he's improved upon since his first game, what he still needs to work on, and where he sits in the hierarchy of young stars. Today, however, we're going to kick things off with three of my favorite Kopitar moments. If you have one you'd like to share, feel free to leave them in the comments.

10/06/06- Chris Pronger Gets Burned


Why I Like it: As a Kings fan, you're used to hyped prospects that don't work out. Pavel Rosa, Jeff Tambellini, Denis Grebeshkov, and Jens Karlsson were all supposed to electrify the Kings, only to fall by the wayside once it was time to perform. Even Dustin Brown had seemed like a possible bust at that point. So I took the rumors from Kings training camp that there was a new superstar on hand with a grain of salt. But after that goal I became a believer. Kopitar swung around Chris Pronger and handcuffed JS Giguere and I was hooked. From the first game, Kopitar was a star. I was worried that Kopitar would eventually disappoint me but I think that fear has been assuaged now.

2/10/07- Kopitar Makes Nashville Look Ridiculous (Skip forward a minute)



Why I Like it: I like it for a couple of reasons. One, Kopitar took a pretty big hit from Martin Erat at the start of this game and rallied to score 2 goals. There aren't many opportunities for Kopitar to show that killer instinct that he possesses, but he did in this game. Two, Kopitar shows patience. A lot of players will take the first opportunity they have to try and score a goal. It makes sense, in a way; most defenses are so good that you never know when you'll get another chance. Kopitar, though, has an uncanny ability to wait, and wait, and then wait some more. He knows that he's good enough to create more opportunities and uses the defender's assumption that he'll take the shot when he has it against him to create a scoring opportunity. (Sorry, that's a lot of "he's." You can figure it out, you're smart people.) That patience was a hallmark of his first year and this goal is the greatest example of it.

10/16/07- Kopitarded


Why I Like it: I still believe that this goal is absolutely unstoppable. There is just no goaltender in the NHL that can move to one side and still outreach Kopitar while he's going the other way. Maybe if the goalie knows that Kopitar will pull it, but even then it's iffy. Kopitar pretty much cemented himself as the unquestioned star of the Kings with this goal.

The Red Wings’ Biggest Rival: the Ducks? Here’s Five Reasons Why…

The Chief over at Abel to Yzerman has created a bit of a project to pass the summer dead time, trying to categorically determine who really represents Detroit’s best current rival. He starts his study with the Colorado Avalanche, the first of ten candidates, and scores them in six categories: Quality of Team, Hate Factor, Past Playoff Adventures, Blogger Quality, Regular Season Sadness Factor, and Miscellaneous. It’s a pretty decent set of criteria, and aside from Blogger Quality (Ducks bloggers are a bit shorthanded), Anaheim figures to score highly across the board.

Still, I think it’s worth writing up a case for the Ducks, though I should take a moment and clarify: in this post I am writing about the hatred of Red Wings fans, not who Ducks fans hate. Detroit’s rival search is much different from Anaheim’s, in that the Wings have been alone in the Central Division for so long that they need to their sights elsewhere. Go see Dan Wood for the Ducks rivalry question (bonus: my answer is in the first comment there)—we’ve still got plenty of options in the Pacific Division, with Detroit and Edmonton thrown in for fun.

Anyway, as promised, here's five reason why Wings fans should hate the web-footed ones, Five Guys Who Eliminated Detroit in their Last Two Playoff Meetings. Not many active NHLers can boast about eliminating the Red Wings in their last two tries, I think, and while this is by no means a complete list, I don’t think that it would get much longer with more research. It's a rare achievement, as Detroit has a 26-9 series record since the '94 lockout. Here's some Wing-killers, though:

1) J.S. Giguere: Really, this conversation should start and end with Jiggy and his 2003 upset sweep, but it’s worth talking about his 2007 series as well. In both series Giguere made just enough saves to win, but aside from that these series were quite different. Let’s take a look:

2003: I can’t stress enough how awesome the 2003 Wings were—hell, just look at their 12 forwards that postseason: Yzerman, Shanahan, Fedorov, Hull, Zetterberg, Datsyuk, Holmstrom, Robitaille, Larionov, Maltby, Draper, and McCarty. Heck, if they find a place for the Grind Line in the HHOF, this could end up being a list of eleven hall of famers plus Holmstrom. Sure enough, the Wings dominated play, outshooting the Mighty Ducks 171-120 in four-plus games (including a triple-OT and a single-OT). And yet, with all those snipers taking all those shots, they managed to score only six goals. Six. Goals. Giguere murdered in his playoff debut, sweeping the defending champs, which not only exorcised Anaheim’s playoff demons from the past (the Ducks were a combined 0-8 against Detroit in their first two postseasons), but also started a Cinderella run to the seventh game of the cup finals. And as impressive as Giguere’s later sweep of the Wild was (4 games, 1 GA), I really have to say that Minnesota represents his second-most impressive series of 2003. Giguere finished Round One with three first stars of the game and one second star. How sick is that?

2007: This was a different story completely, as the '07 Ducks were a much more formidable team in front of their netminder. Long gone were the days of getting murdered on the shot board, as were the days when Giguere had to be the unreal difference-maker. Still, the Red Wings were the top seed in the west, and were dominant especially on home ice and on special teams. Indeed, this was more a Goliath vs. Goliath battle than anything that had happened in 2003.

Giguere ended up with more saves in the four-game 2003 sweep than he made in the six-game 2007 win, and his save percentage wasn’t even in the same stratosphere (2003: .965, 2007: .908), but one thing that J.S. was able to duplicate against the Winged Wheel: overtime perfection. Combined, Giguere went to OT against the Wings four times, and four times he came away a winner. 46 Detroit OT shots. 46 Giguere OT saves.

2) Sammy Pahlsson: Another member of the 2003 and 2007 squads, Pahlsson remains the longest-serving Duck (his Anaheim debut was November 24, 2000, one day before Giguere’s) and of course has been my favorite player since well before this blog started. You want offense? Go buy a Selanne jersey. You want flash? Getzlaf is your guy. You want hard work, defensive positioning, and attention to detail? Welcome to the Pahlsson Party.

2003: In the first cup run, Pahlsson centered a line with 19-year-veteran Steve “Stumpy” Thomas and 19-year-old Stan “Cheesy” Chistov, which would prove to be a great source for secondary scoring throughout that playoff year. The Sammy line was a huge boost in the Detroit series, as that trio contributed 4 of Anaheim’s 10 goals scored in the series (including a really cheesy Cheesy goal in G3).

2007: By this time Sammy was the unquestioned shutdown center for the Ducks, on a “Nothing" Line with Travis Moen and Rob Niedermayer. It was a banner year for Pahlsson, who probably got robbed of both a Smythe and a Selke within weeks of each other, but as usual put up zero fuss. Against Detroit, he worked the most difficult minutes available against Zetterberg and Datsyuk, and even got the two split up in an attempt to escape the Swedish Shadow.

In each of Anaheim's long playoff years, Sammy ended up playing the defensive center position on my favorite line of the postseason. His point totals against Detroit weren't that stunning (5 points in 10 games), but he did finish each series a +2 while averaging more than 4.5 shorthanded minutes per game.

3) Rob Niedermayer: The last member of the “2003 and 2007” club, Rob also played a significant role in twice eliminating Detroit. In both years, he played wing on the shutdown line, but had surprisingly strong offensive numbers (well, at least for Rob) while playing against the Wings' best.

2003: In his first playoffs for the Ducks, Rob played on a shutdown line with Steve Rucchin and Mike Leclerc, and proved to be a really strong forechecker. I remember him being a fabulous "first man in" after a dumped puck; Rob's strength is really on the offensive boards. Rob got 3 assists in the 4 games, which in Rob terms is phenomenal. In his first 31 playoff games with the Panthers before 2003, Rob had 4 assists.

2007: While Rob’s biggest contribution to the post-lockout Ducks was probably being Scott’s brother, he was also a strong contributor on Pahlsson’s shutdown line, strong enough that the trio played together for all 103 games of that season/postseason. Rob scored 3 goals in the Wings series to lead the team, and even though one of them was an empty-netter, we'll see below the importance of being able to score on an empty net.

Despite his shut-down role, Rob’s actually had impressive points totals against the postseason Wings: in 10 games, he has scored 8 points (0.8 pts/gm). Over the rest of his Anaheim career, he has played 50 playoff games NOT against Detroit and scored 15 points (0.3 pts/gm). Of course, Rob has his drawbacks also – between the two series he played more than 18 minutes of power play time without being on the ice for a PPG-for, but that’s more of a bad-use-of-personnel issue than a knock on Rob.

4) Scott Niedermayer: With Scott, you have to go way back in the time machine to look at his first time eliminating Detroit – he was a third-year player playing in his first cup finals for the New Jersey Devils. Still, Scott is another player who is 2-0 lifetime against the Winged Wheel, and while he might not inspire the same level of hatred as a Giguere or a Pronger, he’s scored some awfully kick-to-the-nuts goals against the postseason Wings.

1995: Ah, remember the days when lockouts would only last part of a season? At any rate, the 1995 cup finals featured Niedermayer’s Devils and the Detroit Red Wings, who at that point were 40 years removed from their most recent championship. Scott and the rest of the smothering Devils continued that drought, dropping the Wings in four straight. Though Claude Lemieux would end up taking home the Conn Smythe, Niedermayer had an impressive finals, with a highlight-reel, end-to-end goal and three assists in the four-game sweep.

2007: And if you think that ’95 goal was a back-breaker, Scott got even more clutch a dozen years (and 127 playoff games) later. He scored two goals in the six-game ’07 WCF, and both turned out to be huge. Game Two in Detroit he scored the game-winner from down low in the 15th minute of overtime to tie the series at 1 game apiece (assists to Rob & Sammy). Then, late in regulation of Game Five, with the Wings up by a goal and Giguere pulled for a 6-on-4, Scott delivered the "kick to the groin": a weak shot that deflected off the stick of Nick Lidstrom and fluttered lazily over Hasek’s shoulder (1:15 into this video). That shot, more than anything, decided that coin-flip series in Anaheim’s favor, and was probably the strongest case for Niedermayer’s Conn Smythe win.

The craziest thing about Scott’s tendency for huge goals is that the guy is pretty mediocre at shooting pucks. He’s nowhere near Pronger or Lidstrom in this regard. Still, there’s a lot of benefit having a full-time rover, and sometimes his weak-sauce shot is exactly what is needed to disrupt a goalie’s rhythm. Scott might not be as despised by Wings fans like Giguere or Pronger, but it’s tough to argue the importance of the goals he’s scored.

5) Chris Pronger: Ah yes, Sasquatch (as they call him). Pronger is the only member on this list to ever get eliminated by the Red Wings (four times on the Blues, I believe), but he’s certainly had his comeuppance since the lockout. In fact, one could make a claim that one of the biggest differences between Detroit’s 2008 cup run from the two previous attempts was that this time they didn’t have to go through Pronger. Or his elbows.

2006: Pronger was a monster for the Oilers in ’06, as the Red Wings would learn early and the Ducks would find out two rounds later. He scored seven points in the six-game Detroit series and ended the series a +4. That began a 2003-like run for the 8th-seeded Oilers, who proceeded to eliminate the Sharks and the Ducks before bowing out in their own SCF G7. Pronger finished Round One with three first stars of the game and one second star. How sick is that?

2007: Pronger was much more muted offensively in the ’07 WCF, only recording three assists in five games played, but his defensive numbers more than made up for that. In the '07 series, Detroit didn't score a single even-strength or power-play goal while Pronger was on the ice. While that’s impressive enough, I doubt that’s what Red Wings fans remember most.

Get off my elbow, Homer.
There’s a real case to be made that Pronger was the best player in both the 2006 and 2007 playoffs. Except for the technicalities that in 2006 he was a cup-loser and in 2007 he was suspended twice, he could have been the first back-to-back Conn Smyther since Mario Lemieux. Against the Wings both those years, he scored 10 points in 11 games and was on the ice for 20 GF, 10 GA, all while averaging more than 32 minutes per game. And despite his reputation, against the Wings he only had eight minors (somehow Rob Niedermayer went to the box for five minutes after this play).



The Two-Time Wing Killers. Can they make it Three?
I know this piece got awfully long and if you’re still with me, congrats. Still, I think it was worth going through the stories of these two-time Wing-killers, because there doesn’t seem to be a lot of players who have such streaks going (the only other one I could come up with in very limited research is Sandis Ozolinsh, who eliminated the Wings in his last three meetings – ’99, ’00, and ’03).

Combined, these five Ducks players made huge contributions in eliminating the Wings in ’95, ’03, ’06, and ’07, and it’s not a huge stretch to think if they hadn’t, Detroit might have won as many as four additional Stanley Cups by now. And really, who wants to live in that alternate reality? (Wings fans are insufferable enough as is.)

There's still plenty of other reasons for Wings fans to hate the Ducks (I didn't even mention the yappy mouth of Corey Perry), but I think this fivesome might prove as strong a rivalry argument as any. I'm hopeful that Detroit fans found this post as angering to read as I found it pleasing to write, because you know what that means. They'll be licking their lips for the next matchup, their chance for postseason revenge.

Welcome to the rivalry, Wings fans. Go Ducks.

TSN is Humorous

Well, he did get in one tussle last season... although he ended up getting hurt in that fight and missed a month.

This is Stupid and Awesome

No, no, yes, is that a bee, yes, yes, probably, lose weight, definitely yes!

The Stupid:

The Kings are getting ice girls.

I personally don't like the concept of ice girls. Hold on, hear me out. I'm fine with women being objectified for my amusement; I mean, I watched every episode of She Spies. However, I do have a problem with them being on the ice because they take away a job from kids. The Kings currently use kids to clean the ice, which in addition to providing cheap child labor (an endeavor I whole-heartedly endorse; who do you think is typing this post?) also gives those kids an opportunity to be right next to some of their heroes. It's probably an exciting opportunity for any kid and giving that opportunity to some chick in tight pants who wouldn't know Roberto Luongo from Oded Fehr is kind of bullshit.

What are those, replicas? Pfft.

The Awesome:

The Kings are getting ice girls!

I haven't had an opportunity for this much goofy writing material since Bailey moved from the MGM Grand to Staples, plus I can get more cat jokes on the blog.* I enjoy judging women almost as much as I enjoy judging hockey players, so this should be fun.

*A euphemism for cat is...

Season Review: Alex Frolov

71 Games, 23 G, 44 A, +1, 22 PIM

Grade: B


Last Season: A common criticism of Alex Frolov is that he's inconsistent, a charge that I've never understood. Frolov has increased his point total every single year except for the last, but even then his points per game still went up. By now, we all know what Frolov is: he's a good player who doesn't shoot enough but can control the game with his puck possession abilities. I'm of the opinion that Frolov was the Kings' best player last season when he played, not only because he can hold onto the puck seemingly forever but because he is also extremely adept at taking the puck away from the opposition. Frolov isn't as popular as Anze Kopitar or Dustin Brown because he's not a flashy player: he isn't that great at the shootout, he's not going to dangle anyone and he's going to pass up a shooting opportunity to give someone else a better opportunity. You could make the argument that he's the last Soviet player; the younger Russians in the league are all shoot-first, speedy, North American players. Frolov still plays that anachronistic team-oriented game that was a staple of those Red Army teams. It's kind of romantic, in a way.


The funny thing is that the season prior Frolov had seemingly taken a step toward becoming more of a goal scorer. That season was the best he's had so far, as he led the team with 35 goals while playing alongside Derek Armstrong and Mike Cammalleri. He did not have regular partners this season and had to create every opportunity for his line. Frolov responded by passing more, taking it upon himself to draw defenders to him with his puck possession ability and then passing it off to one of his bumbling linemates. If Frolov had better linemates last season, I think we would all be talking a bit more about him.

Frolov also never really had a chance to get into a rhythm last season, first sustaining a hamstring injury in one leg while playing in Europe and then missing 11 games with a hamstring injury in the other leg in December. He mostly played with Ladislav Nagy before his injury and Mike Cammalleri when he got back and still managed to put up 67 points, a testament to his ability. The thing with hamstring injuries is that they don't necessarily put you out of commission but they last a long time. Frolov basically played all last season while not being at full effectiveness. Rich Hammond notes that Frolov has been living in the gym this off-season, and I imagine he's strengthening those legs to prevent a similar thing from happening this season. That's good news.

He kinda looks like Will Leitch, doesn't he?

Next Season: Alex Frolov will most likely be playing most of the season with Jarrett Stoll. Stoll has an excellent shot but by all accounts does not use it very often. The two of them will play off one another and hopefully Frolov will be able to balance more between 2 seasons ago (where he was a goal scorer) and last season (where he was a set-up man). There's no telling what kind of player Stoll will be: will he be the center Frolov has been missing since the first half of 2005-06 or will he be Derek Armstrong 2.0? Stoll kind of reminds me of Craig Conroy and Frolov did play well with him, so I'm cautiously optimistic. The other wing spot is the open question heading into training camp, with the consensus being that either Ted Purcell will win the spot or Brad Richardson will begin the season there. Most likely it'll be Richardson at the beginning with Purcell earning it as the season goes on.


One problem the Kings had last season was their inability to get Frolov enough playing time. He averaged about 18 and a half minutes a game, two minutes less than Kopitar and Brown. Now, this could have been done because Frolov was battling his hamstrings, but I think it was because of a lack of imagination on Crawford's spot. Frolov is a better power player than Kopitar because he is much, much better at moving in tight spaces, yet Frolov was stuck on the 2nd unit because Kopitar was a "1st line player." I understand that Frolov and Kopitar probably can't play on the power play together (because it'd be a never ending display of passes and feints), but I think the Kings would improve their power play if they switched the two. The Kings should also put Frolov back on the penalty kill (because he's awesome at it) and give Kopitar more even strength time. Voila, you've just given your two best players over 20 minutes a game in a way that's similar to the way Zetterberg and Datsyuk are used.

One interesting thing to watch is to see how Frolov will respond to being a leader on the team. He's the longest-tenured King now with the departure of Lubo and is the best player over 25. I'm pretty sure he speaks English fine now and he's gone through the development process that many of the younger players are just now beginning. I think the Kings should give him an "A" next season and see how he does.


The Kings and their fans take Frolov for granted. There is a perception that Kopitar is the best player on the team and he needs to be taken care of, while Frolov gets to skate with whatever random schlub that happens to find his way into the locker room. I personally think the Kings should have Frolov and Brown skate together but that's never going to happen because Kopitar and Brown already work so well. Still, the Kings could help Frolov out by giving him someone like Patrick O'Sullivan (who's basically Mike Cammalleri anyway) and give him a chance to show his full ability. A 2nd line of Frolov-Stoll-O'Sullivan is pretty kickass.

We're going to begin the whole "will he or won't he sign" thing with Frolov pretty soon. He has an awesome deal worth $2.9 million dollars a year that ends in 2010. The Kings will have Johnson and Kopitar locked up by then and they should have an idea of where Frolov will fit in. Frolov is probably my favorite player on the Kings now and he's the one I most want to be there when the Kings exit the wilderness, but I fear he may be lured away by a more secure future with another team. There's nothing I can do about that this season, though, so I'll just watch the Kings and marvel at Frolov's game. He probably won't have a huge breakout year this season, but he will just keep getting better like he's done every year of his career. As someone who's watched him since he was a turnover-happy 3rd liner, I couldn't be more excited.


(You may be wondering why, after licking Frolov's balls for 1,000 words, I gave him a B. I gave him that grade because he missed a few games and wasn't clearly the Kings' best player like he should be. There's still potential for him and I don't think he's tapped it yet. When he does, he'll get an A.)

Flashback Part 2: Sleek digs up an Omen

(This is Part 2 of my "things I found when packing up for a move" series. Part 1 is here.)

You know, my life isn't all about going to Ducks games and then drawing cartoons about them. On occasion, I've even been known to attend a Kings game every now and again. It's sort of a fun outing, as I don't have to worry about any real rooting interest, and hey, it's something I can't see on Versus (Zing!).

In my moving frenzy, I found this 8 1/2 x 11 handout from one such game that Hockey Reference.com has helped me timestamp: October 16, 2001. And guess who was the Kings' coverboy for the handout--doesn't he just look swell?

It's not Reebok wind-resistant, but not a bad look!
It seems a bit odd that this game memento would sit in the depths of my closet from 2001 until a week ago. I think this has to mean something other than "clean your closet more, you idiot". It's a sign, fate's version of an e1, and another bit of momentum for the BoC Collaboration.

Just for nostalgic fun, here's a look at some old-timey rosters printed on the back:


Current Kings: zero.
They should have kept that Heinze #57 gag running longer.


Current Capitals: zero.
But look! Sutherby!
I can't help thinking it would really facilitate a trade if Schneider had an old teammate to reunite with in L.A.

Does anybody have Modry's phone number?

California? Nope, Sorry, Never Heard of It

Versus released their schedule for the upcoming season and once again California gets screwed. The Kings don't have a game, Anaheim is on once, and San Jose plays 3 times. The entire state of California is on Versus as much as the New York Islanders. I guess this is good for me because it means I get Bob and Jimmy more often, but still.

BoC Collaboration Gains a New Friend

Mathieu Schneider's agent is on board! It's building, folks, like some kind of building being built.

[SLEEK EDIT: Also relevant, after taking two weeks off with some sort of bullshit "I'm moving" excuse, I got back to PuckTooning! Conveniently, the subject is also about breaking up with Schneider.]

Screw You, Greece

It's funny, I don't even like basketball that much. Yet here I am, up at 6 in the morning screaming obscenities at some ugly Greek for knocking Dwyane Wade to the ground (and I hate Dwyane Wade). I think I now know how Canadians feel when they're watching their national hockey team, because I know that we're the best basketball nation around but I still feel the need to validate it in this tournament. I caught myself yesterday but I came this close to saying that the US could have entered two teams in this tournament and medaled twice. It's not even that I care if the US doesn't win, it's just that I don't want other nations to stick it to us if we lose. It's like anti-shaudenfreude.

As a proud Jingoist, these Olympics have been pretty exciting. I was legitimately excited by the men's 4x200 freestyle relay (the one where the US won by milliseconds) and I appreciate that I can see women's beach volleyball or men's water polo at any time of the day. I could do without all these Chinese people, though. It's bullshit, they're just training people to win events no one cares about. It's not a gold in the 98 kg weightlift, it's a gold in wasting your life. I'm pretty sure the US will overtake China in the overall medal count once we unleash our army of track athletes but there's no way we're catching them in gold medals.

Oh well, at least we've won a few medals. Wouldn't you be really embarrassed if your nation trained and trained and then couldn't even win one lousy bronze? That would be pretty pathetic. What's that? Oh:

Waa waa.

Season Review: Kyle Calder

65 GP, 7 G, 13 A, 20 pts, -11, 18 PIM

Grade: D

Last Season: Say what you want about Michal Handzus, but at least he isn't that bad defensively. Kyle Calder was basically worthless last season while riding shotgun on Handzus' line and was benched a few times near the end of the season. He missed the last 7 games of the season with a finger injury and the team seemed better without him. Calder's only worth was on the power play, a fact that seems kind of hilarious when you consider that he had 3 minutes of power play time a game and had 3 power play goals. All 3 goals were rebounds. Amazingly enough, Calder did not score a power play goal in 2008. It's kind of stunning when you consider that Calder scored 25 goals 2 years ago and now he might be playing himself out of the league. It all makes you wonder why they named a trophy after him.

Next Season: I'm not really sure where the hell Calder is going to play next year. The top 2 lines are pretty set and there wasn't a whole lot of chemistry between Calder and Handzus. The only time that line looked alive was when they played with Patrick O'Sullivan or Matt Moulson, two quick players that could actually create their own shot. I could see the Kings flanking Handzus with Moulson and someone like Brad Richardson to balance out Handzus' lack of speed. On the power play the Kings will probably utilize Brian Boyle in front of the net since he pretty much blocks out the Sun, so there's not much room for Kyle Calder there either. Overall, I think Calder might be looking at being in the press box for half the season, while playing the other half with maybe Boyle and Derek Armstrong. (Which isn't that bad of a 4th line, actually.)


Calder does have a history with Terry Murray, having played under him in Philadelphia, so maybe Murray can help him recover his game.* Calder's only 29 years old but he needs to play much better this season if he wants to stay in the NHL next year. If he doesn't, he's in danger of becoming a slightly better version of Brian Willsie.

*Calder played 59 games for Philadelphia and was a -31. I know plus/minus is pretty meaningless but man alive is that bad.

'Tis the season for hockey photoshop contests

Wow. Well in the wake of Puck Daddy's wildly successful Gary Bettman Photoshop Contest (230 submissions, not even counting my own), I guess art contests have become the blogger rage to help cope with the dead days of August. Of course, as a hockey-photoshop fiend myself, I wholly endorse all creative endeavors in this field, so I'm here to highlight both of the current contests before even starting on my own entries.

Contest #1: The guy with the most free time in the NHL is seeking your help to design his goalie mask.

King of bloggers James Mirtle has this one covered, but Curtis Sanford, the Canucks' backup to Roberto Luongo, is having a team-sponsored contest for fans to design his mask. To put it in Ducks terms, Sanford is the modern-day version of Danny Sabourin, the guy who occasionally gets called in when Luongo has to take an overtime shit in a playoff elimination game.

The winner of the actual Canucks contest stands to have his art featured up to six times this season, but if you're clever enough, you might even get featured on Mirtle's site, which may represent more eyeballs. Or if you have no skills but want to suggest an idea, I'm certainly not above stealing. Or whatever, if you feel like doing a Duck, King, Shark, or Star design, we'll show 'em here.

Follow the Mirtle link above to find the mask template. Deadline is August 25th.

Contest #2: It's about time the best player in the history of hockey got taken down a notch, right?

If Mirtle's the King, these guys are the Joker. The Pensblog, sick and tired of all the Great One's infallability, have put together a simple challenge: "The task is simple, make photoshops that depict Wayne Gretzky in a negative way or just make fun of him."

And why not? If there's 230 heroic aspects of Gary Bettman, there's surely a million negative facets to Wayne Gretzky. There's no template required for this one, so have fun with that one, if you're photoshop-inclined. I'll warn you, though -- the photoshoppers reading The Pensblog are a sharp and talented bunch -- if you think you won't measure up, send 'em our way and we'll show 'em here too. Deadline is August 24th.

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So now that I've promoted these contests, check back in nearer to the deadlines and I'll put together my "brains" and my "talent" and we'll see what emerges. Perhaps I'll get rushed and draw a combination-entry hockey helmet featuring the old lesbian telling Pronger's wife to get the fuck out of Edmonton. Or perhaps I'll just do a series of Gretzky movie posters.

Yeah, I know. Suspense sucks.

Go Ducks.

Kings Sign Doughty!

Terms not disclosed.

Heeeyyy....

Drew Doughty is kind of weird-looking. He looks like the friend of the most popular guy in school. He looks like the guy that plays football with the popular guys but doesn't get any chicks. This guy's there in any group, but you don't notice him because Hollywood movies replace him with the black guy. My favorite Token is the guy from Psych and West Wing in She's All That because he's the only black guy on Earth that's whiter than Freddie Prinze, Jr. And furthermore...

This May Only Interest Me: Aggression Penalties

Dustin Brown led the league with 311 hits, which is all very cool. More important, however, was the fact that Brown led the league in hits while still being remarkably clean. I was bored so I took a look at the top 3 leaders in hits (Brown, Mike Komisarek and Brenden Morrow) to see how many "aggression penalties" (elbowing, roughing, charging, etc.) each guy got. The result? Brown's worth is enhanced by the fact that he gets his hits without taking additional penalties. As a bonus, he hardly ever takes himself out of the game through fighting and often goads the other fighter into additional penalties.

Dustin Brown

311 hits
55 PIM
3 Fights

Dustin Brown only had 6 minutes of "aggression penalties," 2 roughs and 1 elbow. He had 3 fights:

-against Eric Brewer, who fought Brown because Brown clicked him with a high stick
-against Daymond Langkow, who received a 2-minute roughing penalty (and got his ass kicked)
-against Brent Seabrook, who got an instigator penalty for rightly fighting Brown after Dustin elbowed Jonathan Toews

Brown's other penalties were for hooks and trips and the like. That's pretty remarkable that he can get that many hits without getting many penalties. It says to me that Brown is looking for the play, not the hit. He could cut down on his other penalties, but that negative effect is likely outweighed by his excellent ability to draw penalties.

Mike Komisarek

266 hits
101 PIM
5 fights

Mike Komisarek had 12 minutes in aggression penalties: 5 roughs and an instigation. He had 5 fights and didn't goad an additional penalty in any of them. In the playoffs, Komisarek had 10 aggression penalty minutes in 12 games. I guess he got a little excited. Overall, Komisarek is getting the job done with his hitting but he needs to reign it in a little bit to cause more impact. Plus, the dude could stand to stop taking so many penalties period. He is his team's best penalty killer but he's usually the one in the box.

Brenden Morrow

260 hits
105 PIM
5 fights

Morrow had 18 aggression penalty minutes: 4 roughs, 2 elbows, 2 charges, and a knee. Eclectic. Morrow had 5 fights and took an additional penalty in one of them while goading an instigator in one. The problem with Morrow, at least to me, is who he fought: Steve Bernier, Aaron Voros, Nathan McIver, Adam Burish, Ryan Suter. Morrow is way too valuable to the Stars to be wasting his time in the penalty box with Aaron Voros.

(The guy really needs to calm down when he's playing the Ducks. He had 18 minutes in penalty in the 8 regular season games against them, a lot of them while battling Francois Beauchemin. That kind of makes me laugh. I mean, of all the people on the Ducks, you hate Beauchemin?)

Hits are like stolen bases in baseball. Sure, it's nice number, but you have to understand that there is risk associated with it. It's great if a guy steals 50 bases, but if he's getting thrown out a third of the time then it's kind of worthless. In the same way, Brenden Morrow's positive impact is likely countered by his penalties that take him off the ice completely. Aggression is great, but only if it's controlled and dedicated towards winning the game. Guys like Komisarek and Morrow are BJ Upton; Dustin Brown is Ichiro.



*I expected the difference in aggression penalties to be a little more extreme, to be honest. It looks like amount of aggression penalties you take is proportional to the amount of other penalties you get. That might invalidate this whole thing, I don't know, but I spent the time looking this up so I'm throwing it out there. It's possible that guys like Brenden Morrow don't care about the number of penalties they take because they think the stuff they get away with makes up for it. Maybe?

In Celebration of an Old Lesbian

"So I was watching Ellen the other day and..."

Wayne Gretzky is not a physically imposing specimen. He basically looks like an old lesbian, someone who'd teach a cooking class at the local community center. I always have trouble explaining to friends just why Wayne was better than Michael Jordan, because they can see why Michael Jordan is great. They get why jumping 10 feet and unleashing a thunderous slam dunk is cool; explaining why a no-look pass through 3 defenseman for an easy tap-in is cool is harder. I think the best explanation you can give is to imagine John Stockton, and then imagine if he averaged 40 points a game for the first 10 years of his career.


I'm not sure this whole trade anniversary is as big a deal to me as it is to some; if anything, it's more important to Phoenix and Nashville fans than it is to me. But still, it provides an opportunity to think back and realize how great Wayne Gretzky really was. My favorite memory of Wayne will always be that game 7 against Toronto, when he stood before the collective will of all of Canada and gave them the finger. That's the only moment where I think he let that hatred that drives all great athletes actually show. Don't let Star Wars fool you: the best motivation people can have is hate. All great athletes excel at being able to create that hate when necessary, whether it's from a throwaway comment by a lesser opponent or a flppant comment on a message board. They take that comment and let it consume them until their sole goal is to punish that person for having the temerity to challenge. The greatest moments, however, come from when that hate doesn't need to be created because it's already there. Gretzky was good at hiding it, unlike someone like Tiger Woods, but I know he desperately wanted to shut up the people who were saying he had lost a step, or that Doug Gilmour was better than him, even the people that had accused him of betraying his Canadian-ness by defecting to Los Angeles. And he did. He scored a hat trick in that game and dashed hopes of an all-Canadian final. He did for the same reason he married a model, and scored 92 goals in one season, or made ice hockey a popular sport in Los Angeles, California. He did because he's Wayne Gretzky.

Moments in Archaeology: Sleek digs up a Relic

In the process of moving, I’ve had a chance to go through some of my old piles of junk, and as is usually the case in such undertakings, I have uncovered some real gems from the kid who would grow up to become Earl Sleek. Back before I had an internet alias or a blog to write on, I was still an emerging hockey nerd with a creative streak. Exhibit #1:

Medium: Ball-point pen on paper
Featuring top to bottom: Guy Hebert, Travis Green, Teemu Selanne, Marty McInnis, Stu Grimson, Paul Kariya, Fredrik Olausson, Steve Rucchin, Ruslan Salei, and Matt Cullen

Drawn: It wasn’t dated, but based on the players included I’d have to say 1998-99.

It's actually an impressive piece of work, something I'm not sure I'd have the patience to sit down and attempt these days. Also noteworthy: this had to be pretty soon after I became a hockey fan at all. Anyway, I got a real nostalgic kick out of finding this relic from my fan-girl past, and I figured long-time Ducks fans might enjoy it as well. I've got a few more deep-closet relics to share next week as well, but I think this one is the oldest and most impressive.

Just to keep this post interactive: Which non-Finnish player featured in this picture would fit best on the current Ducks roster? For this exercise, I am talking about the 1999 version of the player, not whatever washed-up version we'd see today.

Go Mighty Ducks.

I Swear I'm Not Gay

I am outraged. This list of the hottest guys in the NHL is completely ridiculous. First off, I'm not on it. I know, I'm not technically in the NHL and I'm not technically hot or technically a guy, but still. Also: no offense to the ladies that put together this list, but you have terrible taste. Most of the guys on that list have pointy features (you could cut diamonds on Vinny Lecavelier's chin) and some of the guys are just plain ugly. (Also, why do all Canadians look like they just got out of the pool?) Ovechkin? C'mon. Rick Nash looks like a Garbage Pail Kid and Jordan Staal looks like the monk from The Da Vinci Code. And Rick DiPietro... well he's a good-looking cat, so that's cool. Overall, the ladies were blinded by success on the ice and did not pay enough attention to the men themselves.

Now, as an attractive male myself, I feel I have a pretty good handle on what good-looking is. With that in mind, here are a few NHL'ers that I'd totally go gay for think women would find attractive. Not that I do, or anything. Dude, don't be a fag.


Henrik Zetterberg

Obviously.


Mike Fisher

Fisher's got a Casper Van Dien/high school quarterback thing going for him. I could see him on the cover of a romance novel, hair flowing majestically as he takes the sheltered hockey blogger in his arms and... oops, sorry, I got a little carried away there.


Andreas Lilja

He's kind of scary-looking, and there's that whole "suspected of rape" thing, but I have it on the authority of my sister that he's good looking so there's that. Although she thinks Sean Avery* is cute too, so I don't know about her. I think she might have self-esteem issues.

*I don't know if you guys have seen this, but apparently Avery likes to wear shorts with his business attire. When I think of this, I think Ned Nederlander.


Henrik Lundqvist

I know, another Swede. What can I say, they're all gorgeous over there.


Steve Yzerman

I know he's not playing any more, but I still had to include him. I think he's the only old hockey player that doesn't look like a dinosaur now. Is it possible to get a boner from respect? I sure hope so. I call it a "respecto-boner."


Alright, I need to go do something hetero to cleanse myself of this. I know, I'll watch 300. Have you seen Gerard Butler's gluts in that movie? They're amazing.

Kings Coaching Shuffle

So I'm little late on this, but the Kings have brought back Mark Hardy to coach the blueline and the penalty kill. Hardy was previously with the team under Andy Murray and did a pretty good job coaching our penalty kill while he was here. Plus, he laid this hit in the '93 finals, which was definitely charging but I don't care:





The interesting thing about this move is that apparently Terry Murray didn't have too much to do with this hire. At Inside the Kings, Hardy mentioned that he and Murray haven't talked before. That seems weird and kind of points to Lombardi taking a more direct role in the organization. I don't know if that's good or not.

The Kings also promoted Jamie Kompon (whose previous title was "Coach Who Has to Talk to Tom Murray Between Periods") and Nelson Emerson. They were the two that dealt with prospects and the younger players, so it makes sense to keep them on. Mark Johnston was offered a job within the organization but he didn't accept. It probably didn't make sense to keep him around, seeing as he was the runner-up to Terry Murray. Also fired was Dave Lewis. I don't think Mathieu Schneider would have been comfortable coming here if Dave Lewis was still with the team.

Jay McKee? or: How I Look Up Random Players

The Kings have been rumored for a lot of random defensemen this off-season and now it's Jay McKee's turn. When I first heard McKee's name I thought, "I wonder what it would taste like if I took a bite of a pizza roll and a corn dog at the same time." Then I thought, "Wait, who's Jay McKee again?" The name was familiar and I was pretty sure he was on the Blues, but I wasn't positive. If you're like me, you're horrible at scouting other players when they're playing the Kings because you're too busy yelling, "Goddammit, why is Ivanans playing with Kopitar?!?!?" In these situations, I have a quick and easy routine that I do to get an overview of a player. It's not meant to be comprehensive or definitive; it's just a quick look to see the player's value to his team. I'll share this with you, but you have to promise you'll pretend I have great abs every time you read my stuff.

Lesbian abs.

1) Wikipedia! I like Wikipedia as a starting point because it gives you a brief overview of a guy's career and if he's gotten a DUI or been arrested for beating his wife or anything like that. Plus, you can check out his career stats and check to see if the guy scores a lot, has been injured, takes a lot of penalties, etc.

What I learned: McKee is a noted shot blocker in the league and he gets hurt all the time. He played for Buffalo for a while (now I remember!) and then he signed a 4 year deal at $4 million dollars a year with St. Louis. His first season he only played 22 games due to a knee injury, a broken finger, and 2 lower body injuries. (Jesus.) Last season he played 66 games. Given his contract and his injuries, I can probably assume that St. Louis isn't too happy with McKee and might be willing to move him for fairly cheap. He doesn't score a lot so I assume he plays a more defensive role.

2) Youtube! I like going to Youtube because it gives me a chance to see the guy play, if only for a little bit. Is the guy a big hitter, does he have a particularly nice goal, etc.

What I learned: McKee got lit the fuck up:



Haha, Dustin Brown is awesome.

(The best part about that hit is that Baby Arm had to turn sharply and only took one step before he hit McKee, and he still knocked him into the bench. Wait, no, the best part is that McKee tried to get back on the ice to get back at Brown but the guys on the bench were just like, "Dude, let it go, you got rocked." Yeah, that's the best part.)

3) Time on Ice! I like looking at Time on Ice because it lets me see both how often a guy is playing and in what role. It lets you know which defensemen the coach counts on in what situations and how often the guy takes even-strength time. It's important to know that it doesn't tell you how good the guy is in his role, just what his role is.

(Hey, is there anyway to find ToI broken down by period? I'd like to see who gets ice time in the last five minutes, stuff like that.)

What I Learned: Jay McKee basically tied with Erik Johnson as the Blues' 3rd defenseman last year. McKee was 5th in total ice time amongst Blues' defensemen because he can't play on the power play, but he was 3rd in ice time at even strength and on the penalty kill. However, he was 3rd by a fairly healthy margin behind Eric Brewer and Barret Jackman.

The ol' "Distract the shooter with a stupid face" technique

So, in 3 steps I've learned that McKee is basically Aaron Miller from a couple of years ago. If he were on the Kings, he'd play on a stopper line with either Jack Johnson or Matt Greene and play on the 1st penalty kill unit. The Blues weren't a good defensive team last year and were breaking in a lot of defensemen, so McKee probably got more time than he deserved just because he wasn't going to kill you with a mistake. This doesn't bother me too much, though, because the Kings were worse defensively and will be breaking in a lot of defensemen this year. McKee could play the exact same role on the Kings this season.

I don't think the Kings have anything the Blues would want (although I think Andy Murray would trade Erik Johnson to get Derek Armstrong back), and if the Kings are going to trade for someone I'd rather it be Mathieu Schneider or someone else who's, you know, good. Still, this was worth it just to know a little bit more about McKee for the next time the Blues are in town. This took me 5 minutes and I know more about hockey. What else am I going to do, my job?

Of course, Earl will tell you to just look at that one crazy stat he looks at and save your time, but I don't know how to use that and I'm stupid so I can't understand it. Besides, this is more fun.

Dominant as an east-coast twentysomething

Well, I'm about half-way moved into my Irvine place, and I figured I could take a quick break from the packing/unpacking madness to resume my normal blogginess, specifically as it relates to Teemu Selanne, Power Play Specialist. The Finnish Flash may or may not have declared that he is returning to Southern California in September, depending how much you trust your Finnish.

I made a quick table below that attempts to answer one question: Despite Selanne taking most of last season off, how many NHLers have scored more regular-season power play goals than Teemu since the lockout?

Top PPG Scorers since the Lockout
(reg. season only)

(click image to enlarge)
Answer: Three, and it's worth looking at some of the commonalities about them.

1. They all are more than a decade younger than Selanne. Really, these three players probably represent the new wave of goal scorers, and Heatley, Ovechkin, and Kovalchuk could be taking home the Rocket Richard Trophy for a long while.

2. They all play in the eastern conference. I'm not sure how strong an effect this is, but it is worth noting that since the lockout, the eastern conference has allowed 204 more power play goals than the western conference in 311 fewer power play opportunities. Remember, in the old schedule nearly 90% of a regular season was played against same-conference opponents.

3. They all played significantly more power play minutes than Teemu. This is really the stat that got me: not only are these comparables way younger and in the easier conference, but look how their power play total ice time compares with Old Man Selanne.

• Heatley scored 6% more PP goals in 25% more games and 27% more PP minutes.
• Ovechkin scored 18% more PP goals in 30% more games and 56% more PP minutes.
• Kovalchuk scored 22% more PP goals in 27% more games and 74% more PP minutes.

Unreal. Teemu is a PP freak!

Now I don't really want to knock any of Heatley, Ovechkin, or Kovalchuk (also: Tomas Vanek and Evgeni Malkin were both on pace to make this list over just the last two seasons -- they also are a decade younger than Selanne and play in the east): these names will be carrying the goal-scoring title for a long while. I also should stress that while I am comparing individual production numbers, PP success is very unit-based.

No, I'm just here to point out again how freaking remarkable Teemu's man-advantage production has been since his return to SoCal. While seemingly power play goals is a stat that has been dominated by eastern-conference children of the 80s, at least one representative of the old-school-west is still hanging at the top of the charts, making us marvel again and again in Anaheim.

C'mon. One more year, Teemu. Go Ducks.

Letter From a Coyotes Fan

SOS

its so hot

send water

and maybe sunscreen

SPF 15 is recommended

hey look a jack rabbit

please help m

Letter from a Stars fan

Dallas! Stars!

Dallas!

Stars!

(Air guitars to Pantera's Stars theme song)

Howdy there hockey fans. With all these Cal-ee-forn-ee queers throwin' their two bits in this there here blogger thang I was fixin' to spit the damn bit! I reckon it's time for me to list the reasons why us Stars fans are the best god damn ice hockey fans in the world!

For one thang, we've been around longer than any of those stupid Cal-ee-forn-ee teams 'cept I guess those Los Angle-ess Queens. They started that dumb ass team in '88 with Dwayne Gretzky, right?

Second thang, the Stars gave those treehuggin' pinko California teams a good old fashioned ass-whuppin' in the playoffs this year. And why not? We got the best team with the most talent.

Mike Modano skates like a god damn rooster in a chicken coup, unlike Billy Joe Thornton or whateverthefuck his name is. Then we got Brenden Morrow. He kicks way more ass than that Teamo Salami guy.

Too bad Tony Romo don't got half the heart of Brenden Morrow – if them Cowboys just learn from the Stars and think with they dicks AFTER the season we'd win a god damn SuperBowl.

Shit, look at our goalie, fuckers. We got Ed Belfour. That drunken sumbitch is a better goalie than any of those LA Queens goalies … and he's usually seein' four pucks by the dadgum third period.

Really, I reckon my only problem with them Stars is that they got so many dadgum people from other countries. Shit, Hull, gimme more last names I can understand! Jokinen – Niskanen – fuckin' hokeypokinen.

Awww shit, son, you got me so worked up I lost track of time and 'ah burned my god damn steak! Oh, welp, I guess I better go.

Go Cowboys!

Regards,

Willie Ray Hunter

A Bit of Tid

Here's an NHL.com article about Terry Murray, the new Kings coach. It's worth checking out the article just to see the picture that accompanies it.

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Here's a few recent contracts and how they compare to Patrick O'Sullivan:

Andrei Kostitsyn: 3 years, $3.25 million/year

Valtteri Filpula: 5 years, $3 million/year

Joffrey Lupul: 4 years, $4.25 million/year

Corey Perry: 5 years, $5.35 million/year

Pierre-Marc Bouchard: 5 years, $4.08

Kostitsyn looks like the best comparable and I'd be fine with a contract like that.

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Finally, if you're bored I highly recommend this blog that goes through every Goosebumps book and makes fun of them. A sample:

Left alone, Evan decides to buy himself an ice cream treat at the local market. He leaves Trigger tied up outside. When he returns with his ice cream sandwich, Ricky and Tony are stealing his dog. Evan whines about how they probably shouldn't and one of them knocks the ice cream sandwich out of his hand. The reader probably shouldn't be applauding this action, but I know I was. Trigger gets angry and once let loose, chases after the twins. Evan becomes terrified as he remembers how this happened in his dream-- except for that it didn't happen at all like that in his dream. Evan worries that he might turn into a monster. I hate this kid so much.

I don't care what this guy says, Say Cheese and Die! scared the shit out of me when I was a kid.

Self-Important Update:

The Sporting News Today has an interview with Dean Lombardi wherein he dismissed the Kopitar rumors and states that the Kings are trying to sign Anze Kopitar and Jack Johnson to long-term deals, ideally before the start of this season. I'd just like to point out that I guessed this a few weeks ago. I'm actually kind of impressed with myself. I haven't felt this proud since the time I whacked off 5 times in one day.*

*Sound effect for the 5th time: poof!