Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Kings Gameday: Getting Our Positivity Back

LA Kings (3-6-2) vs. Florida Panthers (4-6-1)

7:30 PST, Fox Sports West


In the war for Southern California, we all know who is good and who is evil: the Kings are good, and the Ducks are evil. Not like really evil or anything, more like Saturday morning cartoon evil.* Recently, the Ducks trio of terror (Corey Perry, Teemu Selanne, and Ryan Getzlaf) were all mired in slumps, probably brought on by all the sand in their vaginas. The Kings' good players (Kopitar, O'Sullivan, Frolov and Brown), meanwhile, were continuing being their wonderful selves, picking up about a point a game. The dichotomy was best shown in the Kings' 6-3 win over the Ducks, where the courageous Kings combined for 6 points to the Ducks' 1.

*Teemu is Shredder, Ryan Getzlaf & Corey Perry are Bebop & Rocksteady. I guess that means Kopitar is Leonardo, Brown is Michaelangelo, O'Sullivan is Rafael and Frolov is obviously Donatello. Oh, and I get to be Usagi Yojimbo!

Earl Sleek (artist's rendering)

This was obviously unacceptable to Earl Sleek, who is kind of like Krang. He stumbled upon the key to success in the NHL: Positivity. Positivity is the lifeblood of a hockey player and the Ducks were missing it since their game is based on Negativity. So, like any great villain, it's obvious that Earl Sleek has stolen the Kings' Positivity, resulting in piss-poor play from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kings since. Consider this: the first 6 games of the season, the Kings' combined for 19 points while the Ducks had only 3; since then, the Kings have only 5 points in 5 games while the Ducks have an unbelievable 46 points. The Kings must get their Positivity back. And I think only I can do it.

Wish me luck.

I'm headed into dark territory now, armed only with my trusty bowstaff and my Positivity. And my gun. I'm going to get the Kings' Positivity back for their game against Florida tonight. It'll be a tough road; Anaheim is pretty far from me and the roads are really confusing, but I'll get there if I have to die trying. Watch the game tonight: if O'Sullivan, Frolov, Brown and Kopitar are their usual selves, then Earl Sleek is probably dead and the world is saved. Otherwise...

Prediction: Kings win, 7-3. Goals by Kopitar (x3), Brown (x2), Frolov and O'Sullivan. Goodbye, Earl.

19 comments:

RudyKelly said...

Oh yeah, and Jack Johnson is ahead of schedule and may be back by mid-December. Maybe I should have written about that instead.

Earl Sleek said...

This was obviously unacceptable to Earl Sleek, who is kind of like Krang.

Krang also is heavily anti-voting, but yeah, he is always there for the mutant evil league to cheer them up after another tough loss to the Turtles.

"Posssitivvvityyyy (slurp)!"

Anonymous said...

So now is it okay to liken your team to a cartoon? WTF? For years the Ducks were mocked endlessly because they were a damn cartoon. I'd at least pick some Adult Swim cartoons to parallel because no Saturday morning cartoons I remember have viewers chanting "Fuck the Ducks!" Unless things have changed.

Earl Sleek said...

So now is it okay to liken your team to a cartoon?

Relax, dude, it's the Kings. Comparisons to Saturday morning cartoons are probably a better alternative than comparisons to whatever's stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

because no Saturday morning cartoons I remember have viewers chanting "Fuck the Ducks!" Unless things have changed.

Well, if that's the criterion, there's probably not many analogies that fit the Kings. I'm not yelling "Fuck the Ducks!" at that many things in general (you yell that at Adult Swim?).

RudyKelly said...

Adult Swim cartoons are for children.

fordo said...

Wait a minute. How did Usagi Yojimbo get into this? If we're going with the Ninja Turtles parallel, wouldn't that make you April O'Neal? :P

Nut said...

One thing is for sure, Derek Armstrong is the Rat King (even though he's on the kings, their resemblance is uncanny and I never thought about it until you brought up this parallel). And moron, the Mighty Ducks wasn't a cartoon, it was a shitty movie. And no ninja turtle taps the kings on the shoulder when they score

Brad said...

And moron, the Mighty Ducks wasn't a cartoon, it was a shitty movie.

and an equally shitty cartoon:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mighty_Ducks_(TV_series)

Earl Sleek said...

BTW, Rudy. My mom says I'm much more an "Orko" than I am a "Krang", so be ready for some misfiring magic!

SK eleven said...

So, I'm not up on the cartoon stuff...but I did notice in the picture where you say "wish me luck" there are like 5 different villains in the picture. Are you taking them all with you? Is it because you're going to need that much help to try and bring down the Ducks? hahaha! You might need more than that! :)

Earl Sleek said...

If we're going with the Ninja Turtles parallel, wouldn't that make you April O'Neal? :P

That's Heidi Androl, I think.

BTW, I did watch the Kings on yesterday's Price is Right, and if anyone's still thinking about catching a replay, here's a bit of advice: Don't waste your time.

If you're still insistent, though, here's some alternative advice: Don't waste a lot of your time; skip directly to the end when there's only two contestants left. There will be zero King appearances in the first 50+ minutes.

My general takeaway: (1) The Kings did OK, but it was obvious neither contestant cared much at all that NHL players were in the house, and neither seemed thrilled at all by the hockey prize. (2) the bigger takeaway: Drew Carey hates his job and probably himself. That guy needs to escape that show very soon.

RudyKelly said...

God, you use one stupid cartoon metaphor and all of a sudden all the nerds come out blowing holes in it. Well played, internet.

Earl Sleek said...

Rudy, I should have warned you. The internet takes its Ninja Turtle lore very seriously.

Next time make fun of the bible or the bill of rights or something a little less sacred. :)

Ksy92003 said...

Every game I go to a game, I wear one of my three autographed Luc Robitaille jerseys. I know the Kings are on a five-game losing streak, but so far this season (preseason included), I am 2-2-1, for an even .500 clip.

Well, I'm gonna try something out here. Tonight, I'm gonna wear a Ziggy Palffy jersey from the 2001-02 season, with the 2002 NHL All-Star Game patch (but not commemorative patch for the two former Kings scouts who were in the 9/11 incident). I haven't worn it since before the lockout, but maybe it has that little bit of karma we need to actually play a full game.

Here's a little motivation for the Kings: win, and you're tied with the Dallas Stars. POSITIVITY!!

Earl Sleek said...

I completely endorse the notion of a lucky shirt. Enjoy the game!

Anonymous said...

The Kings are like the skits on SNL, every once in a while you get McGruber skits but you have to sit through a lot of BS to get the gems

Morbo said...

If we're going with the Ninja Turtles parallel, wouldn't that make you April O'Neal? :P

Mmm, April O'Neal. I don't think there was a single boy born in the 80's that didn't have very naughty thoughts about that particular cartoon character ... yellow report jumpsuits = hot. Don't fight it, you know it's true.

Murphy O'Larry said...

Patrick O'Sullivan has the best groomed Neck Beard in the NHL...

RudyKelly said...

Now I know how the Red Wings feel.