I Hope This Doesn't Interfere With His Vogue Internship

Sean Avery wants more attention. First he calls George Laraque a monkey, then he waves his hand in front of Mary Brodeur's face, and now he lacerates his spleen.

I wonder how many people will visit him in the hospital. My guess? 2. Maybe Jeremy Roenick will go visit him; he'll have plenty of free time in a few days.

Silver Lining, Anaheim Edition

Hey, Ducks fans. Tough break, huh? I honestly thought you guys would win fairly easily against Dallas, but it looks like the Stars has a little magic left in them yet.* I know the last thing you want to read is gloating from Kings fan (I'll try to keep it to a minimum), but I thought I'd try to cheer you up. Here's why it's a good thing you guys lost.

*Seriously, how the fuck are they good? They have Turco, Zubov and shit. They lose their 2nd best defenseman and get better??? I suspect that Dave Tippett may just be a wizard.

1) It repudiates your "style" of play. Now, I'm not talking about your actual style of play (the one built on 2 scoring lines and a shutdown line), I'm talking about the one made up by idiots and commentators. (But I repeat myself! See what I did there?) This cult that has been built up around Anaheim was getting ridiculous. The Ducks didn't win the Stanley Cup because they fought a lot. They won because they had great goaltending and Sammy Pahlsson. Still, normally reasonable people argued that this was the cause of Anaheim's success and it led to ridiculous sights like Minnesota's infamous Boogaard-Fedoruk-Simon line. People who argued that the Ducks won their Stanley Cup because George Parros fought a lot probably feel like idiots right now, and I'm fucking glad for that.

2) You didn't lose because Selanne and Niedermayer took time off. Those 2 guys were the best 2 players on the ice in that series. Selanne was particularly fucking amazing. Honestly, I was surprised; I don't remember him playing that well since the Paul Kariya days. And honestly, I'm a little saddened that the Ducks lost so early just because we now miss out on Scott Niedermayer's epic beard.

Anyway, now you know that those 2 can still play and you can count on them if they want to come back next year. If those 2 come back you only have to fix 1 thing...

3) You need secondary scoring. The trade of Andy MacDonald really hurt you guys. He hasn't been that great with St. Louis but he and Selanne really clicked for some reason. Why is this supposed to make you feel better? Because I think it's relatively easy to fix. Maxim Afinogenov could probably be had for the Edmonton first-round pick and he would fit perfectly with Selanne. Put Kunitz on that line, Ryan with Getzlaf, and you're set! Of course, maybe you're a Ducks fan who feels the team is fatally flawed. No worries, sugar tits...

4) Edmonton did you a favor. Look ahead to 2011: you have Getzlaf, Kunitz, and Giguere all locked up. You'll probably have Pronger, Perry, Hiller, and Ryan locked up as well. Trade Schneider for some thing, draft wisely this year and you'll be all set to challenge for another Cup in 4 years. Meanwhile, Edmonton fans will be arguing that Penner's career-high 30 goal season was totally worth those 3 picks.

5) Francois Beauchemin isn't that good. Okay, this won't really make you feel better, but I just though it had to be said.

So buck up, pussies. You're not doomed, and you'll probably be pretty good next year. Besides, it could be worse: you could be a Kings fan.

Breaking News: Sean Avery Did Something Jackass-y

A guy tried to do that to me once when I was tending net about a couple years ago. (To be fair, he did it because I had pushed his feet out from under him.) He did it for about 10 seconds and then a puck hit him square in the back. It was hilarious.

But seriously, that should be unsportsmanlike conduct.

***

You know, it's kind of embarrassing to be the fan of a last place team; everyone disrespects you, implies that your team's management is incompetent, and gloats about how their team is so much better. I guess it could be worse, though; my team could be hyped as a playoff contender and then get buttfucked on national television. Ahh, delicious, delicious Schaudenfrude.

Have The Playoffs Started?

Or is Marty Turco imploding early this year?

BoC > BoO

Rawr.
And with that, the sweep is complete. I'm normally not a huge gloater, but sometimes things get so one-sided that I can't help myself.

January 9, 2008 Anaheim 5, Toronto 0.
January 10, 2008 Los Angeles 5, Toronto 2.
January 12, 2008 San Jose 3, Toronto 2.
March 3, 2008 Anaheim 3, Ottawa 1.
March 5, 2008 San Jose 3, Ottawa 2 (OT).
March 6, 2008 Los Angeles 2, Ottawa 0.

Battle of California 21, Battle of Ontario 7.
BoC takes it by two touchdowns. Sorry, fellas, but it just had to be done.

State Provincial Rape

Now available in Canada.
And don't even get me started about last year.

Kings Gameday: A Few Questions

LA Kings (Still not good) @ New Jersey Devils (28-20-3, 6th in Eastern Conference)

4:00 PST, FSN West

Where the hell is Ted Purcell?

Okay, so they bring him up for a few games and he plays well, they send him back down and he's the star of the All-Star Game... and then they keep him down so Brian Willise can play?  I hope there's some ulterior motive to this (like a trade), otherwise I'm going to pull a Michael Douglas in Falling Down and make them call up Purcell at gunpoint.  (Maybe get some breakfast too.)

Would you trade Brad Stuart?

I'm pretty sure Blake and Nagy are both gone, but I'm not sure about Brad Stuart.  On the plus side, he plays fairly good defense and, along with Frolov, has given us a 2nd power play unit that can do some damage.  On the minus side, he gives up the puck at the worst possible time; also, he has bleach blonde hair.  (What is this, 1999?)  I'm not sure.  If we could sign him to a longer deal for less money then he's making now, I'd do it.  If he's going to want $3.5 million again next year or even more, then I say we trade him.

Where the hell is Mike Cammalleri?

Okay, so he hurt his ribs in a "fight" (read: slap contest) on December 26th.  I haven't heard shit about him since.  Where the hell is he?  One of my crazy friends thinks Cammy is delaying his return on purpose to get back at the team for winning his arbitration hearing.  My crazy friend ate paint chips as a kid, I think.  Come to think of it...

Where the hell is Ladislav Nagy, too?

He's been on the IR since January 19th with a sore neck.  What the fuck?  This isn't football, asshole, your neck can be sore when it's broken.  Why does he need to turn his neck anyway, so he can watch the other team take his errant pass down to score?  What the hell, people?

This isn't a question, but...

When I was 13, I was playing in a hockey tournament.  The other team had a power play and their point man took a shot that I couldn't see because I was screened.  The guy in front of me jumped out of the way right when the shot was taken and I saw the puck coming right at my head.  I ducked, instinctively, and the puck went in.  My coach was furious and went off on me after the game, telling me my job was to stop the puck and if I wasn't going to do it then he'd find someone who will.  To this day, my dad won't let me forget about it.

I was 13.

Prediction: As noted earlier by our excellent guest columnist, the Devils are missing Jay Pandolfo and have been struggling to score recently.  They do, however, have Martin Brodeur.  Still, I think the Kings win with their newfound defensive play, 3-2.  Goals by Brown, Armstrong, and Stuart.

You Can't Tell Right Now...

...but I'm busting.

Oh, and Sutherby, Brad Stuart knocks the wind out of Travis Moen and you respond by trying to fight him? That's not the Anaheim way, c'mon. What you do is, you wait until there's a little bit of a scrum and then you sucker punch a guy like Jeff Giuliano or Matt Moulson. Don't worry, you're still new, the goonery will come.

NHL Gameday: Obligatory Gloat Post

Detroit Red Wings (33-8-4, 1st in west) at Ottawa Senators (28-10-4, 1st in east)

A lot of people will look at today's hockey schedule and note that the top two teams are meeting up today. While that's certainly an intriguing angle, I prefer to see two teams that really, really wish they could have won a critical game four last spring when Anaheim's best player was serving a one game suspension.

Prediction: Rudy's noted it below; west is going to win. After the game, though, both teams share in a big "I hate Pronger" hug.

Go Ducks.

Guest Post: Sharks Time Capsule #2

(Here's another shitty post from Megalodon. I don't have the heart to tell him that he sucks at writing, so try and humor him in the comments. He tries so hard!)

In the Battle of California, the Sharks are the odd team out. Aside from their obvious geographic isolation, a number of other factors set the team apart, such as:

1. Their age. The team is not the respected older sibling or the over-achieving youngster. They are the forgotten middle child, working hard and doing the best they can, doomed to always be overlooked in favor of their older or younger brethren.

2. Their town. Los Angeles has a million things going on aside from the Kings, including the Lakers, Dodgers, and of course, their awesome football team whose name escapes me. Anaheim has Disneyland and the Angels (I think - although I must admit their name confuses me a bit). San Jose has the Sharks and...uh...well...a decent public-transit system? An airport? Jeez - wikipedia, help me out here.

"San Jose is the third-largest city in California, and the tenth-largest in the United States."

Okay, that's kind of impressive. I didn't know that. Got anything else?

"It is the county seat of Santa Clara County."

Nope. Anything better?

"By the 1990s, San Jose's location within the booming local technology industry earned the city the nickname Capital of Silicon Valley."

That smacks of a nickname that the city gave itself, so that's no good.

Holy crap, check out what they have to say about sports:

"San Jose has had previous attempts to draw teams from Major League Baseball, the NFL and the NBA by offering stadium deals or attracting relocating sports teams. In 1991 the San Francisco Giants baseball team nearly closed the deal to play in San Jose. ^{[citation needed]} In 1997 the Golden State Warriors basketball team after playing some games in the HP Pavilion nearly moved to San Jose. ^{[citation needed]} Neighboring Santa Clara recently announced (2006) a new stadium deal will break ground and be completed by 2009, as the new home of the San Francisco 49ers football team. ^{[citation needed]} San Jose may also soon house the practice facilities for the Oakland Raiders."

Well that's just sad. Like I said, San Jose doesn't have a lot going on aside from the Sharks - unlike the cities where the Ducks and the Kings play. Again, the Sharks are the outsiders.


3. Their logo. For some reason, the Sharks are the only team that actually depicts their mascot in their logo. The Kings have a crown (which is admittedly way better than an actual king, as we will see later in this post) and the Ducks have the word Ducks (great work, guys!), but the Sharks have an actual shark.


There are many other things that I could go into that set the Sharks apart from the other two California teams, but I would like to close by examining one difference that marks the Sharks as a FAR superior organization to either the Ducks or the Kings.

This final difference requires us to set our Way-Back machine to 1996, when the Kings and the Ducks did something that the Sharks didn't do. They did something terrible - something disgusting - something that should go down in history as a crime against the NHL and the human race. The mere fact that the Sharks DIDN'T follow the other California teams is reason enough to celebrate San Jose's independent, if lonely, ways.

What was this awful undertaking that the Kings and the Ducks shared? Be warned - the following images may cause dizziness and vomiting, and should not be viewed by anyone with eyes.

Oh god! What the hell is that thing?

Oh no! There's another one!

There. You've seen them - you can't un-see them. I would like to submit these images as proof of San Jose's dominance of the Battle of California for all time, regardless of how any games played actually turn out.

Well Look at That...

With all the teeth-gnashing going on among the other BoC fan bases (after last season I kind of feel like an Ethiopian kid watching two Americans complain that their steak isn’t cooked well enough), I thought I would point out the current standings in the Battle of California:

Los Angeles Kings: 6-6, 12 pts.
San Jose Sharks: 5-5-1, 11 pts.
Anaheim Ducks: 4-7-2, 10 pts.

Yes, friends, the Kings are in first place. Do I expect this to last all season? Absolutely.

***

This was in the New York Post today:



"Dog bites man: Kings players, we're told, are already tired of Marc Crawford. Meanwhile, we've heard that players in L.A. are far more confident in netminder Jason Labarbera than are either Crawford or GM Dean Lombardi."



Hmm, seeing as how the Kings haven't played anyone in New York this year, so I wonder who started this rumor. Whoever it was, here's what I say to you:

Sometime in the indeterminate future

I caught Chris Pronger on the Carson Daly show a couple of weeks ago (quite literally the third televised hockey-related program in SoCal this summer), and between Daly taking shots of Patrón silver tequila out of the cup, Prongs revealed this tidbit: barring any future lockouts, the Ducks' names will remain etched on the cup for the next 63 years.

So don't worry, Kings fans. There's still odds that your first cup could be completely Prongerless, if you wait long enough.

------------------------------
Off-topic: I’d like to extend a BoC Happy Birthday to my kid brother in New York, who’s still aspiring to be a musician. His band Mercer is still selling their first album, Hourglass, accessible through their MySpace page or through their official site, and I definitely think it's worth a listen. If you like it, buy a copy for someone you like. If you hate it, buy a copy for someone you detest.

Regardless, why not join me in raising a glass of your favorite beverage tonight in honor of Brother Sleek? Happy birthday, brother. Thanks for an excuse to get drunk tonight.

Historical Reflection: What if there were a BoC back in the day?

You know, pretty much since the outset of this blog, there has been a pretty steady stream of taunts directed towards the L.A. Kings, and why not? The 2-year pattern we’ve observed involves the Kings missing the playoffs, the Sharks choking on a round 2 series lead, and the (Mighty) Ducks either losing in the conference finals or winning it all.

But amazingly enough, things were not always so—there was a time not that long ago where things were drastically different. To see what I’m talking about, take a look below at the Western Conference standings back on December 31st, 2005 (back when teams were ranked by standings points, then wins):

Rk	Team	GP	W – L – O	Pts	GF – GA
1	Detroit	38	26 – 9 – 3	55	144 – 100
2	Los Angeles	41	25 – 14 – 2	52	141 – 121
3	Calgary	39	23 – 12 – 4	50	103 – 97
4	Nashville	36	24 – 9 – 3	51	114 – 102
5	Dallas	37	24 – 12 – 1	49	121 – 99
6	Edmonton	40	22 – 14 – 4	48	130 – 125
7	Vancouver	38	21 – 12 – 5	47	128 – 117
8	Colorado	40	20 – 17 – 3	43	148 – 134
9	Phoenix	40	20 – 18 – 2	42	116 – 116
10	Minnesota	39	18 – 17 – 4	40	110 – 95
11	Anaheim	38	17 – 15 – 6	40	107 – 103
12	San Jose	37	16 – 16 – 5	37	113 – 114
13	Chicago	37	13 – 20 – 4	30	99 – 130
14	Columbus	39	12 – 26 – 1	25	79 – 138
15	St. Louis	36	9 – 22 – 5	23	95 – 140

That’s right. The Kings, second in the western conference, sticking out their tongues at the lowly Ducks and Sharks, who at that point were fighting to stay out of the Pacific basement. Can you imagine the fun-loving posts that Kings bloggers would be writing back then? (And really, this was not that long ago—the Kings were atop the BoC standings through March 19, 2006, less than two months before this blog's first post.)

It’s pretty astounding how much the tables have turned since then. In regular season games in 2006 and 2007, the Kings have gone a combined 44-62-17 (.427), getting outscored 325 – 425. Meanwhile, the Sharks have gone 79-37-11 (.665), outscoring opponents 408 – 318, and the Ducks have gone 74-32-20 (.667), outscoring opponents 398 – 317. Plus the Sharks have won 2 playoff series and the Ducks have won 6.

So I don’t know—part of me wants to apologize to the Kings bloggers—back then, there wasn’t a BoC blog forum for them to properly taunt us Sharks/Ducks fans. Then again, if they had, how much shit would they be eating right about now?

But I guess the real lesson here is one of caution: in this state of California especially, tables can turn awfully fast. Literally, in the span of a few months, bottom-feeders can become cup contenders, and division leaders can see their golden era get quickly flushed down the toilet.
Looking for a new logo, Los Angeles?

Happy Birthday, Kid!

So yeah, I know today’s kind of a big day for BoC, what with the Penner decision due soon and the Cammalleri arbitration hearing today also (and feel free to comment on either, if you wish), but aside from the NHL offseason, it’s also my baby brother’s 22nd birthday today. He’s the only other Ducks fan in the Sleek family, and probably the only member who would really appreciate a blog shoutout.

Anyway, I never really know what to get kids for presents, but seeing as he is the baby of the family, I figured you can’t go wrong with fun-for-all-ages Fisher Price:

Have a blast tonight, kiddo.

p.s. Per James Mirtle, Dustin Penner is an Edmonton Oiler. Discuss.

Jealous Impatience at the Battle of California

Yeah, between the cup finals in June and the September games in England, the Ducks might have the shortest offseason in the history of the NHL, but even so I'm starting to get itches of hockey withdrawal. Of course, I can just look to the other BoC teams and what jealousies they are having to endure, and that usually cheers me right up.

Sorry, fellas. But your glory day is coming, just sadly at an offseason snail's pace.

How much do you hate this man?

I know there's a lot of readers here who hate this guy, whose head-seeking elbows have both had a good laugh in consecutive game fours.

Love the guy? Hate the guy? Express yourself in the comments.

From the 2003 playoffs...

I'd give credit for this cartoon, but I don't remember where it came from. It's been sitting on my hard drive for four years, though, and still as appropriate as the day I first saved it.

From the recycling bin, Part 2

(Cartoon originally posted May 17, 2006.)

Sorry I keep re-using cartoons from last year, but why go through the same trouble again? In the meantime...

#1 Detroit Red Wings vs. #2 Anaheim Ducks
(all times Pacific per BoC rules)

Fri., May 11, 4:30 p.m. @DET
Sun., May 13, 4:30 p.m. @DET
Tue., May 15, 6:00 p.m. @ANA
Thu., May 17, 6:00 p.m. @ANA
* Sun., May 20, 12:00 p.m. @DET
* Tue,, May 22, 6:00 p.m. @ANA
* Thu., May 24, 4:30 p.m. @DET
* - if necessary

Isn't this postseason starting to get awfully familiar? Last year, both the Ducks and Sharks went up 2-0 in the 2nd round, ready for a WCF Battle of California, but while the Ducks won their next two games, the Sharks proceeded to lose four straight. This year, both the Ducks and Sharks went up 2-1 in the 2nd round, ready for a WCF Battle of California, but while the Ducks won their next two games, the Sharks proceeded to lose three straight.

Here's a case of deja vu from both of San Jose's 2nd round exits, courtesy of KK reader arice:

Of course, I'm hoping that this pattern ends soon. Things went sour for the Mighty Ducks last year after the Sharks fell on their faces.

But hey, at least I won't be changing the sidebar links. Some storylines:

• In 1997 and 1999 Detroit swept Anaheim. In 2003, Anaheim swept Detroit.
• Babcock vs. Giguere.
• Bertuzzi vs. Burke vs. May.
• Lidstrom vs. Niedermayer vs. Pronger.
• Chelios vs. his grandchildren.
• Pahlsson vs. the greater population of Sweden.
• And the biggest rarity of them all, an honest-to-goodness 1-seed vs. 2-seed.

More to come later. For now, Go Ducks.

From the recycling bin

Cartoon originally posted May 14, 2006:

For the second year in a row, the Ducks await the Sharks in the Western Conference Finals, eager to engage in the first-ever Battle of California.

Uh, do us a favor and make it this time, Sharks.

(Sleek's official stance: FIRST I am rooting for a game seven, and THEN I am rooting for the Sharks.)

Now I'm going to hell for sure

(Author's note: I don't even have the right to brag about most of this, as I care little for baseball and very little for basketball, and the Ducks aren't out of the woods yet with the pesky Wild. But what the hell? I'm feeling cocky today.)

2002 MLB playoffs, Round Two:
(4) Anaheim Angels defeat (3) Minnesota Twins 4-1
Angels win the last four games of the series.

2003 NBA playoffs, Round One:
(5) Los Angeles Lakers defeat (4) Minnesota Timberwolves 4-2
Lakers win the last three games of the series.

2003 NHL playoffs, Round Three:
(7) Mighty Ducks of Anaheim defeat (6) Minnesota Wild 4-0
Mighty Ducks allow only one goal in the series sweep.

2004 NBA playoffs, Round Three:
(2) Los Angeles Lakers defeat (1) Minnesota Timberwolves 4-2
Lakers win all three games at home.

2007 NHL playoffs, Round One:
(2) Anaheim Ducks defeat (7) Minnesota Wild 4-1
Ducks win all three games at home.

Drinky post-Phoenix post

(Does that title read two ways or am I just seeing double?)

Earl Sleek: You know what the worst thing about Phoenix is?

Buddy Beez: What’s that?

Earl Sleek: They make so much hoopla about a “Decade in the Desert”

(Chandler Bing voice) Could that slogan BE any less appealing? Who's ever wanted to spend a frickin' decade in a frickin' desert?

Yeah, that's a pretty sweet thought!

(Seriously. The decade has been a bust in so many ways for the poor Desert Dogs. They sign big names and maybe they have bursts of short glory, but that decade looks pretty bleak considering they have won one playoff game since the turn of the millennium and have yet to get past a first-round defeat. The fact that they rub that futility in with a jersey patch, well, it reeks of pathos. Then again, I guess in today's NHL, there is some pride to be taken in not being relocated after ten shitty years.)


Buddy Beez: Hey, at least it’s not forty years.