The Kings played two games this weekend and scored 1 goal. That sucks. I know the Kings are better this season with this new "defense" thing (some people spell it with a "c," I don't know why) but holy Christ is it boring. Say what you want about last year, but at least the Kings were scoring some fucking goals, man. Can't I just see Kopitar say fuck it and spend the whole game in front of his own blue line? Just once? And I know I keep saying it, but the Kings' bottom 6 is completely fucked. I don't know what the hell is going on with those guys but the 3rd line is posting the following Times on Ice:
Ivanans (3:36)-Handzus (16:36)-Simmonds (8:53)
Handzus is playing good minutes but they're kind of scattered and I doubt he really knows when he's getting used next. And if Ivanans is only going to play 4 minutes, why not just sit him? His playing time is as annoying as that chick who keeps bothering me.* The Kings are calling up John Zeiler and I have to imagine he'll skate in Ivanans' stead next game, which is great because he's the one player I find less effective than Ivanans.
The Kings are weird right now.
*Look, all I'm saying is that she's the one getting the abortion so I don't see why I have to pay for half of it.**
My list is a little bit different from PJ's because I didn't necessarily try to pick songs that I think would sound good in an arena. I mostly picked songs that I really like and seem to symbolize what hockey is to me. I have a CD I listen to on my way to the rink every time that's pretty much all loud, fast and angry music. I've always believed that hockey is an angry sport and when I drive to the rink I think about how much I hate everyone on the other team. I think about their temerity in even getting on the same field of play as me and how they actually think they're good enough to get a puck past me. By the time I get to the rink I'm ready to fight. Then I get to the rink and put on my pads and by the time I'm all warmed up I'm pretty calm and ready to go. But the music helps me get ready to play.
A few explanations:
Trogdor, by Strong Bad- Like my brother mentioned yesterday, the Kings should play "Trogdor" every time Ivanans gets into a fight. He's a dragon-man (or really just a dragon) and he needs his own song.
Bleeding Love, by Leona Lewis- I mean, that's just a good song.
Girls in Black, by Airbourne- This should be the Kings' song.
I am the Night, Coloured Black, by Priestess- That song should be on a highlight video. Just sayin'.
When You Fucked Grandpa, by blink-182- I think this song should be played in the arena, just to see the expressions on people's faces.
Mine Now, by Bullets & Octane- This song gets me really fucking pumped. It's always the last song I listen to before I get out of my car for hockey.
I was talking to my brother yesterday and we were in agreement that if the Kings could somehow combine Erik Ersberg and Jason Labarbera, they'd have the perfect goaltender (basically, Roberto Luongo). We then decided that if they somehow grew a child in a lab from their genes, he'd grow up to be:
...the dude from Idle Hands and She's All That. (He was also Fulton from Mighty Ducks.) I have a gift for placing faces, what can I say.
My brother also has a similar gift (and a similarly small penis) and pointed out that Edmonton's new goaltender looks exactly like Evgeni Malkin:
Also, and this is completely unrelated, but what the hell is Twilight? I went and saw Role Models this weekend and they had a trailer for this emo vampire movie; I sat there with a confused expression on my face for about 30 seconds and then muttered, "What the fuck is this shit?" Teenagers are retarded.
In the war for Southern California, we all know who is good and who is evil: the Kings are good, and the Ducks are evil. Not like really evil or anything, more like Saturday morning cartoon evil.* Recently, the Ducks trio of terror (Corey Perry, Teemu Selanne, and Ryan Getzlaf) were all mired in slumps, probably brought on by all the sand in their vaginas. The Kings' good players (Kopitar, O'Sullivan, Frolov and Brown), meanwhile, were continuing being their wonderful selves, picking up about a point a game. The dichotomy was best shown in the Kings' 6-3 win over the Ducks, where the courageous Kings combined for 6 points to the Ducks' 1.
*Teemu is Shredder, Ryan Getzlaf & Corey Perry are Bebop & Rocksteady. I guess that means Kopitar is Leonardo, Brown is Michaelangelo, O'Sullivan is Rafael and Frolov is obviously Donatello. Oh, and I get to be Usagi Yojimbo!
Earl Sleek (artist's rendering)
This was obviously unacceptable to Earl Sleek, who is kind of like Krang. He stumbled upon the key to success in the NHL: Positivity. Positivity is the lifeblood of a hockey player and the Ducks were missing it since their game is based on Negativity. So, like any great villain, it's obvious that Earl Sleek has stolen the Kings' Positivity, resulting in piss-poor play from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kings since. Consider this: the first 6 games of the season, the Kings' combined for 19 points while the Ducks had only 3; since then, the Kings have only 5 points in 5 games while the Ducks have an unbelievable 46 points. The Kings must get their Positivity back. And I think only I can do it.
Wish me luck.
I'm headed into dark territory now, armed only with my trusty bowstaff and my Positivity. And my gun. I'm going to get the Kings' Positivity back for their game against Florida tonight. It'll be a tough road; Anaheim is pretty far from me and the roads are really confusing, but I'll get there if I have to die trying. Watch the game tonight: if O'Sullivan, Frolov, Brown and Kopitar are their usual selves, then Earl Sleek is probably dead and the world is saved. Otherwise...
Prediction: Kings win, 7-3. Goals by Kopitar (x3), Brown (x2), Frolov and O'Sullivan. Goodbye, Earl.
There are more Europeans than North Americans in the NHL, the best players are going back to Europe, and hockey has failed in the United States. Okay then.
I always wish hockey would get more coverage until it actually does.
The Kings have a problem. As you're no doubt aware, the Kings possess a solid young offense that should land in the top 10 in goals scored next season but they have no defense or goaltending. The team has been around since 1967 yet has only reached the Stanley Cup Finals one time, in 1993. This season looks bleak unless the Kings can get some sort of defensive play.
The Vancouver Canucks also have a problem. They're possess one of the best defensive cores and arguably the best goaltender in the NHL, yet they pack very little scoring punch. Their somewhat pathetic attempt to lure Mats Sundin to their western shores seems to have proven fruitless and now they're relying on Steve Bernier to change their fortunes. The Canucks have also not won a Stanley Cup in their NHL existence (dating back to 1970) and have only 2 Stanley Cup runs to show for themselves. This season looks bleak for the Canucks unless they can get some sort of scoring punch.
So, here we have two west coast franchises, both established losers. It's obvious to all now that they can not win by themselves. It's only fair, then, for the NHL to allow them to combine forces. The team can be called the West Coast Renters (since no one in either city can afford to buy a house) and would utilize the Kings' offensive talent with the Canucks' defensive prowess to create a team that could actually compete. Imagine a team that looks like this:
Alex Frolov-Anze Kopitar-Dustin Brown Daniel Sedin-Henrik Sedin-Patrick O'Sullivan Matt Moulson-Ryan Kesler-Taylor Pyatt Darcy Hordichuk-Brian Boyle-Raitis Ivanans
Mattias Ohlund-Sami Salo Jack Johnson-Alex Edler Willie Mitchell-Kevin Bieksa
Roberto Luongo Jason Labarbera
Wait, goalies are allowed to do that???
That team's pretty good. The Kings supply the top offensive talent (along with a sinper to finish off the Sedin Brothers' beautiful set-ups), while the Canucks supply the grease and defense, along with one of the best goaltenders in the league. Sure, the Canucks are supplying more players than the Kings, but after a few years that should change. In the meantime, Kings' fans can enjoy having a winning team for the first since, well, ever and Canucks fans can enjoy having a top prospect pool.
These two teams have proven that they can't win on their own; maybe together they can finally win something.
The Kings' new slogan is allegedly PRIDE=PASSION=POWER. I didn't like last year's slogan and I'm not a huge fan of this year's either. Since school is starting around the country, I thought I'd help students get back into the swing of things by presenting a multiple choice question.
1) The Kings' new slogan sounds like:
a) The slogan of a Tony Robbins' self-help seminar in Wichita, Kansas
b) Words that flash during a promo for General Hospital, set in between: 1) Sonny trying to show Nicholas a world without violence 2) A passionate embrace between Carly and Jax 3) Sam McCall's final conflict with Diego Alcazar, AKA the text message killer
c) A Black Panther slogan
c) Something Luc Robitaille came up with and no one had the heart to tell him it was stupid
Besides, I'm not sure if I want the team confusing their pride with passion. I can only imagine the uproar when Derek Armstrong celebrates a come-from-behind victory against the Red Wings by french kissing Michal Handzus. Then sodomizing him to show him who's boss.
Versus released their schedule for the upcoming season and once again California gets screwed. The Kings don't have a game, Anaheim is on once, and San Jose plays 3 times. The entire state of California is on Versus as much as the New York Islanders. I guess this is good for me because it means I get Bob and Jimmy more often, but still.
I am outraged. This list of the hottest guys in the NHL is completely ridiculous. First off, I'm not on it. I know, I'm not technically in the NHL and I'm not technically hot or technically a guy, but still. Also: no offense to the ladies that put together this list, but you have terrible taste. Most of the guys on that list have pointy features (you could cut diamonds on Vinny Lecavelier's chin) and some of the guys are just plain ugly. (Also, why do all Canadians look like they just got out of the pool?) Ovechkin? C'mon. Rick Nash looks like a Garbage Pail Kid and Jordan Staal looks like the monk from The Da Vinci Code. And Rick DiPietro... well he's a good-looking cat, so that's cool. Overall, the ladies were blinded by success on the ice and did not pay enough attention to the men themselves.
Now, as an attractive male myself, I feel I have a pretty good handle on what good-looking is. With that in mind, here are a few NHL'ers that I'd totally go gay for think women would find attractive. Not that I do, or anything. Dude, don't be a fag.
Henrik Zetterberg
Obviously.
Mike Fisher
Fisher's got a Casper Van Dien/high school quarterback thing going for him. I could see him on the cover of a romance novel, hair flowing majestically as he takes the sheltered hockey blogger in his arms and... oops, sorry, I got a little carried away there.
Andreas Lilja
He's kind of scary-looking, and there's that whole "suspected of rape" thing, but I have it on the authority of my sister that he's good looking so there's that. Although she thinks Sean Avery* is cute too, so I don't know about her. I think she might have self-esteem issues.
*I don't know if you guys have seen this, but apparently Avery likes to wear shorts with his business attire. When I think of this, I think Ned Nederlander.
Henrik Lundqvist
I know, another Swede. What can I say, they're all gorgeous over there.
Steve Yzerman
I know he's not playing any more, but I still had to include him. I think he's the only old hockey player that doesn't look like a dinosaur now. Is it possible to get a boner from respect? I sure hope so. I call it a "respecto-boner."
Alright, I need to go do something hetero to cleanse myself of this. I know, I'll watch 300. Have you seen Gerard Butler's gluts in that movie? They're amazing.
Howdy there hockey fans. With all these Cal-ee-forn-ee queers throwin' their two bits in this there here blogger thang I was fixin' to spit the damn bit! I reckon it's time for me to list the reasons why us Stars fans are the best god damn ice hockey fans in the world!
For one thang, we've been around longer than any of those stupid Cal-ee-forn-ee teams 'cept I guess those Los Angle-ess Queens. They started that dumb ass team in '88 with Dwayne Gretzky, right?
Second thang, the Stars gave those treehuggin' pinko California teams a good old fashioned ass-whuppin' in the playoffs this year. And why not? We got the best team with the most talent.
Mike Modano skates like a god damn rooster in a chicken coup, unlike Billy Joe Thornton or whateverthefuck his name is. Then we got Brenden Morrow. He kicks way more ass than that Teamo Salami guy.
Too bad Tony Romo don't got half the heart of Brenden Morrow – if them Cowboys just learn from the Stars and think with they dicks AFTER the season we'd win a god damn SuperBowl.
Shit, look at our goalie, fuckers. We got Ed Belfour. That drunken sumbitch is a better goalie than any of those LA Queens goalies … and he's usually seein' four pucks by the dadgum third period.
Really, I reckon my only problem with them Stars is that they got so many dadgum people from other countries. Shit, Hull, gimme more last names I can understand! Jokinen – Niskanen – fuckin' hokeypokinen.
Awww shit, son, you got me so worked up I lost track of time and 'ah burned my god damn steak! Oh, welp, I guess I better go.
Hola! Soy Julio Díaz y he sido un fan desde los Kings'89, también conocido como el año en que obtuvo 99. No es fácil ser un fan de los Kings, sino que hacemos lo que podemos. Kings' fans son los mayores estadistas en California y constantemente tienen que soportar molestos con patos' fans y pretencioso Sharks' fans. Tengo entradas para Diehard Kings juegos y por lo general tienen un buen tiempo a los juegos… por lo menos, cuando yo puedo recordar. Nada me da más placer que golpear a otros equipos y su fanbases cada vez que tratan de entrar en Staples Center.Mi jugador favorito en este equipo es, sin duda, Anze Kopitar. Él me recuerda un montón de Dmitri Kristich, excepto Kopitar es realmente buena. También tengo mi vieja escuela Steve Duchesne jersey y, por supuesto, un jersey Deadmarsh. Deader! Cuando no estoy en desplazamiento letsgokings.com o golpear a los hippies Normalmente estoy viendo mi'92-93 recapitulación de vídeo. Es bastante bien desgastado, pero aún el amor. Acabo de detenerlo cuando hay 5 minutos y luego golpearon a mi Patrick Roy muñeca por un tiempo corto.
Los Kings no son buenos ahora, pero estoy bastante seguro de las cosas recogerá muy pronto. Tengo fe en Luc Robitaille y estoy seguro de que el comercio Patrick O'Sullivan (nunca fue a los playoffs) y una 2 ª impresionante para alguien como Jay Buowmeester. Hágalo, Deano! Aparte de eso, voy a ser feliz a sabiendas de que los reyes no llevan gay culo de color cerceta o naranja al igual que los otros equipos. Estamos desgaste púrpura y varonil que es como el infierno.
Bien, tengo que llegar a mi turno, así que mejor parar aquí. Estoy bastante convencido de los Reyes harán los playoffs esta temporada porque no tenemos que fuck Rob Blake y ya deshacerse de Marc Crawford, que probablemente nos cuestan 10 victorias la temporada pasada. Si no, voy a romper Dean Lombardi las piernas.
Greetings, fellow hockey fans! I'm John Tanabe and I'm one of the bigger San Jose Sharks fans you'll find 'round these parts. Some people might be surprised that the Sharks have such a knowledgeable and sizable following, but actually we have one of the best fanbases in the league. Have you seen it? You should, it's true. I swear. Anyway, the Sharks have had a little trouble getting over the hump in their long and storied history, but we're sure to win the championship this season. I'd be willing to bet my '89 bottle of cab franc on it, and it's quite expensive!
I've been a season ticket holder since all the way back in '96, except for a few years at the turn of the century when I had a little cash flow problem thanks to the bubble burst. (I honestly thought pets.com was going to last forever.) They do a great job making you welcome at the "Shark Tank": free wifi, special parking for my Prius, and the tofu! Oh god, the tofu! It really is a modern paradise. The fans really do a great job of making the place great, too; did you know that the Sharks have some of the best fans in the NHL? It's true. One Toronto fan told me, "You guys are just like Canadiens fans," which I'm pretty sure he meant as a compliment. Look at how well-received Brian Campbell was when he came here for the stretch run! It was great and was in no way pathetic at all.
Trying to pick a favorite player of mine is obviously difficult because the Sharks have so many great ones. My first love was actually Owen Nolan, especially when he pointed before his shot against Dominik Hasek in the All-Star Game. (Did you know that was in San Jose? We did a great job setting that up.) Today my favorite player is definitely Evgeni Nabokov. I can't believe he didn't win the Vezina this year, he totally got jobbed! I mean, I know Brodeur had a better save percentage and the Sharks had the 2nd fewest shots allowed in the league, but, uh, Nabokov should have won anyway. You see, they allow good shots, but they don't allow bad... if you'll see this chart... boy, this wine sure is good.
Alright, I'd better get going, I have to fix a bug in our system before my ignorant boss throws a fit. (He's a Ducks fan.) I'm glad I was able to inform you about how much you're missing by not being a Sharks fan. I have to go to meet a couple compatriots of mine for a hockey game (we're testing out NHL '09) so I'll catch you guys later. Look for me: I'll be the guy looking down on you from the top of the standings. Haha, zinger!
Yeah, the Kings are going to be forced to give up Jack Johnson to get over the cap floor. Why would they sign Marek Malik when they can trade away their best defenseman and get Nikolai Khabibulin? WHY NOT?
Hey guys! My name is Jacquie and I am, like, the biggest Anaheim Ducks fan ever! I know you are too, and it's pretty much the bestest thing ever. I've been a Ducks fan since all the way back in 2005, which I think is when this league they play in was found. My dad's company has tickets and I try to go to as many games as I can. Me and my friends Aubrey, Audrienne, and Crystyna go to almost every game and we always have such a blast trying to get on the jumbo-thing. I love everything about hockey, from the hot guys to the little kids skating in between innings to the free drinks I get from old guys. It's sooooo awesome!
My favorite player is definitely Ryan Getzlaf. Have you seen his cheekbones? He's sooo cute! I also like George Parros (he looks like my older brother!) and of course Teemu Selanne. I definitely assume hes one of the best guys in NHL history, right? Waaaayyyy better than that jerk, Paul Kariya. I don't know who that is, but my boyfriend said he's bad. My dad loves some guy named Pahlsson, but he doesn't even score! Don't you love my haircut?
What's up with other fans being jerks all the time? Every time a Candadian team comes along, people are all mean and say we dont know anything about hockey, but that's totally not true. They're all like, "Sit down you stupid bitch, you can't take pictures during the middle of a game!" and I'm all like, "Whatevs!" I mean, if we didn't know anything about hockey, why would we have a team? I'm pretty sure that means I'm smart.
Okay, I have to get going to an Angels game, and then I'm going to Coldstone and then maybe head over to Mackenzie's, but I might just go to my boyfriend's instead, I haven't decided. Thanks for taking time to read, I know how hard it is. I think the Ducks are definitely going to win the championship this year, thanks to my future boyfriend Ryan Getzlaf and that one big guy with the pads in the net thingy. If you make it out to a game, look for me: I'll be the one looking adorable! Byeeeee!!
Excluding hockey, I'd say my two favorite things in the world are dogs and idiots. Naturally, this makes Greatest American Dog my favorite show in the history of television. Nothing makes me giggle more than seeing some lunatic frantically screaming at their dog to heel while the pooch gleefully chases a stream of light. If you haven't seen it then here's a clip, and no I'm not going to give any kind of intro:
It's like someone put a camera inside my head and filmed my dreams. There's been two episodes so far, but there's still time to catch on to this surefire hit. To help, I've created a list of the dogs in the competition and which hockey player they are like. I'm retarded.
Tillman is a big, massive dog who can dominate a competition when he wants to. Although he is talented, it sometimes seems like he'd rather skateboard on the beach than practice. Plus, he's overweight.
Comparable: Dustin Penner
Ezzie (short for Esmerelda) is a small, sweet dog. She's talented but somewhat cowed, beaten by countless barrages from her coach. It's unlikely he'll reach her potential because of this, although a change of scenery could do her a lot of good.
Comparable: Lubomir Visnovsky
Some people may doubt Preston because of his beautiful exterior, but it hides a tough interior that strives to compete. This beautiful dog would kill you as soon as look at you, all the while stealing your girlfriend's heart.
Comparable: Henrik Zetterberg
Kenji is a massive dog. She could be the best dog in the competition but is being held down by it's poor coaching. Kenji often seems content to just surprise people with her natural ability than work on improving the weaker parts of her game. It's unknown if this dog will ever live up to its ability or if it'll be content simply being the biggest dog in a small dog park.
Comparable: Rick Nash
The scrappy Elvis is a snazzy dresser (look at his little tie!) and is as tenacious as they come. Quick to fight, he scares the other dogs (and their owners) with his sudden bouts of temper. Despite this, there is no doubt that Elvis can pull a trick or two when the competition is on the line.
Comparable: Sean Avery
Presley is young, energetic, and enormously talented. The dog is prone to the mistakes all young dogs make, but given time it is guaranteed that he'll be the best dog in the world of... dog tricking?
Comparable: Alexander Ovechkin
Galaxy is the favorite in the competition and is pretty flawless. He's been near the top of each competition so far and makes even the hardest tricks look effortless. His only downside is that his coach is a douche bag and he whines constantly when he competes.
Comparable: Sidney Crosby
Bella Starlet is a little bitch.
Comparable: Corey Perry
Star is a friendly, serene pooch from Texas. She loves to explore, although advancing age is making it a little more dangerous for her to be in that position. Through it all, though, Star accepts any challenge with a calm demeanor.
Comparable: Mike Modano
Beacon is a wild child, a dog without much training. He can sometimes be a great show dog, and other times he will run wild around the arena. The dog will always get a lot of attention because it demands it, but is not quite ready to be taken seriously as a competitor.
Comparable: Dion Phaneuf
Leroy is a forgotten dog in the competition because he tends to blend in. He's very talented, however, and could sneak up and end up being one of the best dogs in the competition before it's all said and done.
Comparable: Anze Kopitar
Andrew is a laid back, congenial dog that will leave a good impression on everyone he meets. He is also a very hard worker and constantly trains to improve his ability. He's not a serious competitor because of his age and limitations, but I wouldn't be surprised if Andrew impacted the competition in a meaningful way. Comparable: Gary Roberts
So there you have it. Greatest American Dog is on tonight at 8 on CBS. That's CBS: America's Most Watched Network.
You know that stupid rumor Dubcek covered yesterday? The one reported on Hockeybuzz, that was completely retarded and obviously made up? Apparently, the Ottawa Sun think it's good enough to go with. The trade?
Chicago gets: Anze Kopitar
Ottawa gets: Nikolai Khabibulin, Brent Seabrook/Cam Barker
LA gets: Andrej Meszaros, Martin Gerber
Puck Daddy does a good job skewering this trade ("Why in the name of Mike Milbury would the Los Angeles Kings do anything with this trade offer except drop the phone in uncontrollable laughter?"), but I can't get over how bad this trade is. It's kind of depressing, in a way, that someone would actually think Kopitar is worth Andrej Meszaros and Martin Gerber. I mean, really? He's 21 years-old and he's probably the best young player in the NHL outside of the Big 3 and he's worth a shitty goalie and a pretty good young defenseman? Weird. Maybe I need to start putting up flyers around Ottawa or something.
We should all be warned, too, that this is the beginning. From now on, we're going to see stupid "Does Kopitar want to stay in LA?" rumors and half-assed $.30 cents-on-dollar trades for Kopitar until he signs a new deal. "Why is Lombardi trading Kopitar?" "Would this deal work?" "You should take this deal because Kopitar will get tired of losing soon." It'll probably happen for Johnson as well. Bunker down, folks; it's going to be a long year.
Things have been rough today, what with Lubo getting traded and Dan Cloutier being the worst person in the entire world and all. So, to cheer us up, I present to you a delicious and completely plausible rumor from Boston.com:
Mathieu Schneider
for...
FOR...
wait for it....
Glen Murray!!!!
Because why wouldn't the Ducks want to trade their talented offensive defenseman (39 points last year) for a broken-down forward (30 points last year) with little-to-no value outside of his shot? Because, dumbshit, the Ducks would get salary relief! To the tune of $1.51 million dollars! How could you pass this up?!? I need to stop yelling!
My favorite part of the article is when he claims that obtaining Murray would help replace the hole left by Todd Bertuzzi. Because it's true, Glen Murray would do an excellent job replacing Todd Bertuzzi because he's old, slow, and overpaid.
I would literally rather trade Mathieu Schneider for air than for Glen Murray. If were Brian Burke, I'd rather shoot Mathieu Schneider into the Sun and break Jonas Hiller's fingers with a claw hammer than trade for Glen Murray. Glen Murray has negative value. He is more damaging to a team's playoff chances than this blog is to my chances of getting laid. If any team is trading for Glen Murray, there better be a pretty low draft pick coming along with him. To paraphrase Jeffrey Ross, I wouldn't trade for Glen Murray with Anaheim's dick.
It's not easy being George Parros. You have to fight people, for one thing, and that's never easy. There's the moustache upkeep and the long hair that you have to cut every year for charity, plus all the tax services he undoubtedly does for his teammates. Finally, he has to constantly work so that his act doesn't get stale. So what do you do to keep your name (and legend) from fading into obscurity? Well, you do stuff like go to a Newport Beach tattoo parlor in a tiny girl's shirt.
It's the little things that make George Parros so great.
Also, what does you think Perry got tattooed on his side? I'm thinking one of three things:
1) Wild Wing 2) Ryan Getzlaf's face 3) Half-completed dick (had to stop because it hurt too much)
Rudy’s away on his “get pissed at nature” outing, so I guess it’s up to me to pass along this rare behind-the-scenes glimpse of some of the Kings’, uh, equipment.
Isn't Battle of California above this sort of junior-high-level immaturity? Not on Fridays!
