Other Sports are Ridiculous

Haha, basketball players are pussies. This, of course, is from last night's NBA Final, where Pierce had a booboo on his knee and acted like he was going to die. I think the fact that Paul Pierce came back later in the game made it worse, because if you're going to flail and cry like that you better need hours upon hours of surgery. The guy who got his arm shot off in the beginning of Saving Private Ryan didn't cry like that. I haven't been this embarrassed for a basketball player since Dwyane Wade separated his shoulder and needed a wheelchair to leave the court.

***

"I don't really care, [Tiger] said with an impish smile. "It's all about the Dodgers. I don't think anybody really watches hockey anymore."

Dude, you play golf. Shut up. This is like if the captain of the Chess Club talked shit on the wrestling team because he won the 34th annual Chesstopia! competition. It doesn't matter how popular you are, and how many little green jackets you win, because you still play golf and are therefore a huge pussy. Golf is what real athletes play to relax. And as long as this guy is a competitor in your little game, I don't think you have the right to say anything.

And we all know that nobody wants to watch the Dodgers right now, because they are terrible. Shouldn't he root for the Angels, anyway?

***

The Kings traded TJ Fast to the Blues for a 5th round draft pick. Fast was a 2nd round pick in 2005 (is it sad that I knew that without looking it up?) and played well for the Tri-City Americans of the WHL this past season. This is one of those weird inexplicable trades that happen every once in a while, of which Brian Burke is king. Is Dean Lombardi doing John Davidson a favor so he'll owe him in the future? Is Dean clearing up roster space for the plethora of draft picks we have in the upcoming draft? Am I thinking way too much about the trade of a marginal prospect? The answer to all the above is "yes." Another question with a "yes" answer: am I gorgeous?


And I'll keep this short, because I know you people don't care: Britain is old and rainy and they call their bathrooms toilets, which I feel is a little uncouth. Norway has a ton of tall hot blonde chicks and is sunny for 21 hours a day. And I saw a fjord, which is the greatest word ever.

Kings Gameday: Who's Up For Some Libel?

Los Angeles Kings (5-6, 3rd in Pacific) vs. Edmonton Oilers (4-6, 5th in Northwest)

7 PST, FSN West and CBC

Edmonton's Town Square.

Edmonton is a sad little town. Oilers fans are probably the most dedicated fans in the NHL because really, what else are they going to do? Edmonton kind of strikes me as that shitty kid in your 5^th grade class who smelled and kept sand bees in his desk but you went to his birthday party anyway because he had a bounce house and a Batman impersonator. “C’mon guys, I have North America’s largest mall! And do you like festivals? We got festivals coming out the ass! Please hang out with me?” I like to think that they had Chris Pronger show up on a specific day where they had the Whore Festival or something and then showed him the mall to get him a sign. Then, a week later…

Chris: Hey, Raffi, what is there to do around here?

Raffi Torres: Have you seen our mall? It’s the largest in the North America!

Chris: Yeah, that was cool, where do you think I’ve been for the last week? But I need something else to do. Any nighlife?

Raffi: Night… life?

Chris: Umm, yeah, you know, dancing, women, something like that.

Raffi: We have the Festival of Trees coming pretty soon!

(silence…)

Chris: I’ve made a huge mistake.

I don’t like Chris Pronger, but I can’t really blame him for (allegedly) having an affair; what else was he going to do?

Mayor.

This is just me spouting off from my awesome California perspective (you wouldn’t believe how warm it’s been recently, it’s like having a fireplace going all the time), but Edmonton seems to have a real inferiority complex. They’re not relevant like Toronto, they don’t have history or arrogance like Montreal and Ottawa, they don’t have a film industry like Vancouver (stop taking our jobs, assholes), and they’re overshadowed in their own province by Calgary. I was in Calgary this summer and asked a Calgarian if he ever goes to Edmonton. He derisively snorted, “Why the fuck would I want to go to Edmonton?” That was amazing to me. That’s like a murderer refusing to share a prison cell with a child molester!

The Edmonton Oilers are doing their best impression of their city this season, in that they suck. Their fans like to pretend that they’re a tough, gritty team, but they really just don’t have that much talent outside of Ales Hemsky. (I really like Hemsky, though.) They overpaid in the off-season for a defenseman who can’t play defense (he’s hurt now) and a forward whose best skill is his ability to grow a playoff beard. (Seriously, it looked like seal fur.) It's almost like Penner's goals last year were the result of his linemates... nah, no way Kevin Lowe fucks up like that, right? Their one goaltender is the biggest whiner in the NHL and their other goaltender is such a tragic figure that Oedipus thinks, “Wow, that guy has a rough life.” Finally, their coach… well, their coach was the last guy in the NHL to not wear a helmet, so I refuse to say anything bad about him.

Haha.

So yeah, that’s Edmonton: the city is boring and the hockey team sucks. But hey, the economy is thriving, right? Pretty soon, you’ll be right up there with Columbus, Ohio in cities Los Angeles doesn’t care about.

Prediction: Kings win. Maybe not the game, but they live in L.A., so they still win.