Ducks Gameday—The Three Patos!

Columbus Blue Jackets (11-12-3, t-12th in west) at Anaheim Ducks (14-10-3, t-4th in west)
No, we will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions!

"Three Patos, Anaheim, California. You are very great. 100,000 pesos. Come to Santa Poco, put on show, stop. The Infamous El Guapo."

In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face.
Sometimes that El Guapo is the Columbus Blue Jackets.
Prediction: Ducks 4, Jackets 2. Goals by Little Neddy Niedermayer, Dusty Pronger, Lucky Day Selanne, and Santa Poco resident Pahlsson. Together they prune the hedges of many small villages. For your El Guapo coverage, go visit Bethany's Hockey Rants.

Go Ducks.

You Don't Have Enough Talent to Win on Talent Alone

A Sharkspage films premiere

A Sharkspage films premiere. Highlights after 20 games to "I am the night, colour me black" by Priestess.

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I was talking to my brother yesterday and we were in agreement that if the Kings could somehow combine Erik Ersberg and Jason Labarbera, they'd have the perfect goaltender (basically, Roberto Luongo). We then decided that if they somehow grew a child in a lab from their genes, he'd grow up to be:


...the dude from Idle Hands and She's All That. (He was also Fulton from Mighty Ducks.) I have a gift for placing faces, what can I say.

My brother also has a similar gift (and a similarly small penis) and pointed out that Edmonton's new goaltender looks exactly like Evgeni Malkin:


Also, and this is completely unrelated, but what the hell is Twilight? I went and saw Role Models this weekend and they had a trailer for this emo vampire movie; I sat there with a confused expression on my face for about 30 seconds and then muttered, "What the fuck is this shit?" Teenagers are retarded.

When the ketchup starts flowing...

Some people wonder why Ducks fans are so patient for Teemu Selanne to make retirement decisions.

Oct. 27, ANA @ CBJ:
16:05 3rd: Selanne 3 PP (Beauchemin, Getzlaf)

Oct. 29, DET @ ANA:
14:11 1st: Selanne 4 PP (Getzlaf, Pronger) (5-on-3)
19:09 2nd: Selanne 5 PP (Getzlaf, Niedermayer) (5-on-3)
4:50 3rd: Selanne 6 PP (Pronger, Getzlaf)

Oct. 31, VAN @ ANA:
12:24 1st: Selanne 7 PP (Pronger, Perry)
17:17 2nd: Selanne 8 PP (Perry, Niedermayer)

Six consecutive regulation periods with a power play goal scored. Talk about one guy resurrecting a stale power play percentage. Pretty damn amazing, Teemu.

* * *

The Ducks' win streak came to an end Halloween night in a game that seemed to be haunted. The Ducks opened with two PP goals (one on a Luongo miscue), but Bernier got one back for the Canucks 19 seconds later. That would end up being the first of five straight Vancouver goals -- over a span of 7:22 in the second, they scored on four consecutive shots. 18 seconds later, the Ducks responded with 3 goals in 1:40 to tie the game at 5.

In total, that was seven goals in just 9:20 of the second period. (Anaheim's goal horn called in sick today, by the way.) Anyways, after exchanging goals in the third the game goes to a shootout. After a Selanne miss, the next two shooters score, then the next twenty-two shooters miss, before Mattias Ohlund put the winner past Jonas Hiller in the spooky 13th round.

Basically, insanity. And you want to know the craziest part? The Sedin twins played over 21 minutes apiece in a game that featured 12 goals, and they weren't on the ice for any of them. As for the Anaheim twins, Corey Perry was able to answer Getzlaf's 5-assist game against Detroit with a 1-goal 4-assist game of his own.

* * *

And yes, that is an accompanying image of the Finnish "Dash" Flash to go along with Mr. Incredible.

Go Ducks.

Now Coaching the Kings: M. Night Shyamalan

The Kings are putting Kyle Calder on the top line in place of Matt Moulson Friday night.

You know that scene in The Happening where the blonde chick just stares forward while she slowly inserts a knitting needle into her neck? I'm pretty sure the Kings are doing that right now.

Positivity!

Oh, wait! This team is only "mostly dead".
Wow. What a fucking game! Who would have guessed that I could attend a Ducks/Sharks game where Joe Thornton fought but Jody Shelley wouldn't? Great work by Steve Montador and Brad May in each instance.

Add in a Giguere shutout and a Pahlsson out-of-the-box breakaway goal (plus I didn't lose my wallet), and guess what I'm feeling? Some goddamn positivity!

Go Ducks.

Ducks Gameday—Positivity! (Is this the game?)

Edmonton Oilers (1-0-0) at Anaheim Ducks (3 opportunities for improvement!)
There's no choice except better results, right?

What I was originally going to write about.
Look, I know the Ducks have been horrible lately, but I've caught onto a pattern.

• For game one, I wrote about how scared I was about Jonathan Goddamn Cheechoo, and he killed us.



• For game two, I wrote nothing, and that didn't help.



• For game three, I wrote about a pattern of 1-goal deficits turning into 3-goal deficits, and the Ducks watched their deficit grow like clockwork.

My problem? I'm way too psychic. And I've been focusing entirely too much on the negative.

Tonight? In the spirit of "the first 3 games are irrelevant in the scheme of an 82-game schedule", I'm instead imagining some good results. Is this the game where the Ducks get goals from their actual goal-scorers*? Is this the game where the Ducks enter the penalty box at a slightly lesser rate**? Is this the game where the Ducks even vaguely resemble a salary-cap maximum team***? Is this the game where Ducks fans get to see what a power play goal-for looks like****? It totally could be!

* Thus far in the Ducks' season, the top two scoring lines have combined for one goal, the bottom two checking lines have combined for five, and the defense has contributed none.

** The Ducks have been shorthanded an average of 11:14 per game through the first three, and have allowed 6 PPGs to offset their 6 total GF.

*** The Ducks are t-27th in the league in terms of goals-for-per-game and 29th in the league in goals-against-per-game.

**** The Ducks are the only NHL team without a power play goal this season.

Feel free to leave your own semi-positive "Is this the game" hope in the comments. Bonus points for extra cynicism!

-------------------------------------------
Also, this is your 4-times-a-year reminder to read your Oilogosphere -- since internet blogging was invented, the Oilers have had the market cornered -- Battle of Alberta, Covered in Oil, mc79hockey, LoweTide, Black Dog Hates Skunks, Irreverent Oil Fans, Oiloblobosphere, Hot Oil, Copper and Blue -- and quite honestly, I am still leaving out some very good ones. Even if you read nothing but Oilers blogs, you'd get a full spectrum of what hockey fandom is all about. Don't tell that to Burke 'n' Lowe, though; I'd hate for my admiration to spill over to that tasty feud.

Prediction: I'm getting my expectations low enough now that this could end up the first game of the year that doesn't end with a proverbial gun in my mouth -- now that's positivity! Ducks 4, Oilers 2. Goals by four guys yet to put a puck in the net: Perry, Getzlaf, Pahlsson, and Kunitz.

Go Ducks? (!) .

That's turr-ible

Sleek will surely expand on this, but following in Rudy Kelly's reference of "Scanners" the Ducks seem to resemble a lobotomized Jack Nicholson in "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest." All they're missing is a cold eyed nurse, the guy from "Back to the Future" and a Zdeno Chara-sized Native American.

Also, Ryan Getzlaf is a choad.

Bertuzzi, The Karate Kid and Forgiveness

Cobra. Fucking. Kai.

Aside from linking the Hockey Orphan for the Kings, Stars and Sharks this should be the last bit of shameless self-promotion for quite a while. And, if I do say so myself, it's a damn doozy.

In order to break up some of the monotony that is Tuesday, I'm starting up a tradition on Cycle like the Sedins called "Bertuzzdays."

Basically, it is a weekly tribute to the most shameful and sometimes hilarious moments in hockey history. This week, naturally, begins with a study of The Todd Bertuzzi incident.

Then quite unnaturally, it devolves into a troubling comparison between that Vancouver Canucks team and Cobra Kai from "The Karate Kid." Eventually, "The Jesus" makes an appearance and all hell generally breaks loose. It does end with an intriguing question, though: what would Bertuzzi have to do to gain your forgiveness (or at least your respect)?

Hopefully, you'll find this Bertuzzday as entertaining as I find it psychologically damning.

Patrick O'Sullivan Signed

Rich Hammond is reporting that Patrick O'Sullivan has signed a three-year deal. No word on numbers yet.

"I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls."

I'm starting to wonder if Oscar Moller is being treated like Robert Downey, Jr.'s character in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. In the movie, Downey is brought to LA and shown off at a lot of parties by a movie producer to bring down the number on Colin Farrell. The same thing may be happening here. I think the Kings are hoping Ted Purcell and Patrick O'Sullivan see Oscar Moller taking their spots and start working a little harder to improve their game. Then, after 10 games, Moller can go down to Junior feeling better about himself and Purcell and O'Sullivan can join the team properly motivated. Is it a crazy theory? Yeah. Hey, you don't pay for this stuff, pipe down.


Awesome Update:

The numbers average out to $2.95 million dollars a season over 3 years but will pay him $4 million this year to help the Kings out with their cash budget.

Fuck. Yes.

I mean, I always hope that the term will be a little longer but overall this is pretty great. The Kings get 3 solid years of Patrick O'Sullivan up through his age 26 season. O'Sullivan gets paid and the Kings get a good deal to see how the team shakes out. By the time O'Sullivan's deal is up, guys like Doughty, Moller and Simmonds will be up as well. Some people may think that's a bad idea, but I actually prefer because it allows the GM to make decisions all at once and not get cornered by previous deals.

I don't know when O'Sullivan will be in game shape or on what line he'll play on, but hopefully he'll be ready to go sooner rather than later. He gives the Kings a lot of different options because he can play all three positions and can line up on the power play and penalty kill. I imagine the Kings will work him in slowly and then replace Moller with O'Sullivan when Moller has to go back to Junior. Not to toot my own horn, but I said before camp that I liked a Moulson-Kopitar-Brown line with a Frolov-Stoll-O'Sullivan line, and it seems we might get just that. Toot.

Lombardi got Patrick O'Sullivan signed for less than Andrei Kotsistyn's deal. Man, O'Sullivan signs and Rise Against's new CD comes out on the same day. Everything's comin' up Rudy!

Bad Puns III: The Sanford Mask Contest

Well, I may finally be out of the hockey-photoshop-contest woods. There were three nearly-simultaneous blogger-led contests out there, and as an avid supporter of web nonsense, I've now participated in all three. Here's my previous efforts towards Bettman heroism (Puck Daddy) and Gretzky negativity (The Pensblog).

And now we get to Curtis Sanford's mask, which is actually an official Canucks-sponsored contest, but has also received a side-push by Dr. Mirtle. Before we take a look at my offerings, I should note two things: (a) I'm not submitting any of these into the official contest, but if anyone feels like stealing, I won't protest. (b) As such, I've slacked a bit on production value here: I created a transparent mask template and mostly overlayed it on images. Most of these could use a touch-up.

Still, I'm not that upset with the outcomes. Let's take a tour, shall we?:

Submission #1: Playing Behind Luongo

Why not show off the reason why this helmet won't get any airtime?
Well, I'm not sure how well Sanford would enjoy wearing a Luongo-themed helmet, but at least it offers him an easy comeback: "You'd be benched, too!" I don't know if it's that clever, but hey, it's honest.

Submission #2: Learn Your Goalie History

The final version of this will feature a chalkboard so the save-differential can be updated.
Ah, yes. Ranford vs. Sanford. I picked saves as a category only because it offered a comically high number that could be updated throughout a Sanford-played game. Plus it offers a nice humble look at Sanford's paltry place in the history of goaltending.

Submission #3: Sanford's Labyrinth

Can you navigate your way to this guy's five-hole?
You know, it's kind of difficult coming up with good puns for the name "Sanford", given that I always avoid the most obvious choices (Sanford & Son, Stanford University). This pun is way half-assed, but perhaps the maze design can help confuse shooters. Also confusing? When Sanford gives you a root baby to help with your mother's childbirthing.

Submission #4: The Helmet About Nothing

A double-headed pun here: Sanfeld? Seinford?
On the other hand, I do really like this pun, but the design could have had a little more time put into it. I think this helmet should also have a little computer chip built into it, and whenever anything hits Sanford's mask, it could play the bass guitar Seinfeld theme. Whatever the design, I will say this: a bald Demitra makes for a fabulous Costanza.

For these last two designs, I have to give inspirational credit to fellow BoCer Mike Chen, who threw me a few bones on my quest for Sanford silliness:

Submission #5: Things Could Be Worse

Ah, a hockey photoshop classic.
"At least I'm not Cloutier." That really should be a positive mantra for all of us, and I think the message would resonate strongly with a memory-haunted Vancouver fanbase.

Submission #6: The Crawford Hair Helmet

This is just a prototype. The actual version would involve real hair.
And finally, another call-back to Vancouver's not-too-distant past. The Crawford Hair Helmet could allow the gelled-up hair-monster be a fixture on the Canucks bench once again. Of course, there'd probably be some debate about how much hair could be used; I'm quite sure the zero-fashion-sense competition committee would try to set some limits.

So there you have it. Six offerings with a wide range of brilliance, all that have roughly zero chance of making it to the big leagues (not unlike Sanford's chances of being a regular starter for Vancouver). Like 'em? Hate 'em? I don't care; at least I'm done with obligatory photoshops.

More Bad Puns: the Pensblog submissions

As I noted a week ago, it's hockey photoshop contest season, and today I'll show what I've done for the Pensblog's anti-Wayne movement. If you recall, their challenge was easy enough: "The task is simple, make photoshops that depict Wayne Gretzky in a negative way or just make fun of him."

Well, just like before when I had trouble making Gary Bettman look heroic, I'm similarly challenged in bringing out Wayne's negative side. So as usual, I just ignored the stated challenge and went back to what I'm good at: lame-ass puns. Let's take a look, shall we?

Submission #1

Rawr.
So I don't know if this is truly negative, though it does show off a bit of an angry side for Gretzky, and historically the T-Rex was pretty bad at avoiding extinction. It was actually kind of difficult to find pictures of "Angry Wayne" to put on this dinosaur's body. Strangely, the only angry shots I could find featured Gretzky the head coach. Ha ha, I wonder why.

Submission #2

Quite talented and yet quite inept.
OK, this might get a little more "on theme", though Rain Man has as many positive qualities as he does negative. Still, I think there's some parallels with Gretzky -- a sheltered upbringing, a superhuman talent, and a questionable grasp of reality. I don't know how well Brent Gretzky was able to exploit his brother's talents, though.

Submission #3

Aha! Finally some evil!
This one's sort of appealing to me: it's got a negative spin, a villainous overtone, and a built-in dose of hilarity. I like this pun-parallel, except for the fact that Wayne was successful in his takeover attempt (while the Brain is regularly frustrated in his).

So, what did I miss? Anybody have any good Gretzky puns they want to see made? My next project (barring any Ducks news) will be the ol' Sanford mask. Trust me, though, I'm betting it will be lame like Wayne.

Sleek forgets to include heroism in Bettman art

On Tuesday, Puck Daddy Greg Wyshynski (the Darth Vader of hockey bloggers) started a Bettman-themed Art Contest, dedicated to portraying Gary Bettman (the Jar-Jar Binks of NHL commissioners) in a heroic light, and he's already put up some early submissions, as have a few bloggers. Of course this is a movement I can enthusiastically support (I figure that I'm some sort of Threepio unit in this analogy), as I endorse all forms of cheesy internet art.

Darth Wyshwhatshisname then followed it up with a threatening e-mail: If you don't enter this contest, I will find you and kick you. And with that, this droid went to work. I jotted ideas down for most of a Tatooine workday, then sped home in my landcruiser to get Photoshoppin' (would you believe I still have yet to try the actual tool Photoshop? Here's Sleek's makeshift method.).

As the post title suggests, though, I strayed from the heroic theme. Instead, I followed this thought process:

Hero -> Protagonist -> Title Character -> Movie Poster -> Movie Poster Pun
and really focused on that last leap. In fact, I should have entered a contest called "Gary Bettman Cheesy Movie Poster Puns that don't use the obvious Batman link", where I easily could have taken third place. I guess I should add that I wasn't fully motivated to win Greg's contest; PJ sends me free Versus-themed shit already. It may turn out I end up getting kicked more because of this post, but if you love cheesy Gary poster puns like I do, enjoy these entries; but then consult a doctor:

Entries One and Two:

Not too heroic, I guess. Maybe praising Gary is beyond my abilities.

Bonus Non-Entry:

Even worse. I didn't even end up submitting this one, as:
a) it clearly went against the heroism theme,
b) it didn't turn out looking as good as the other ones, and
c) I haven't ever seen this show, so I didn't know what sort of joke to add to the pun.

Entry Three:

I do like this one. It has a nice charm and a nice built-in story.
Gary meets Salary. Gary caps Salary. Salary cheats Cap. Gary moves to Kansas City.
So, commenters, any good Bettman poster puns I missed? You don't have to draw them or anything, but 25 Mike Chen bonus points if you describe a loose story. Heroism is optional.

Blake the Snake

Well, I hastily made a graphic for Rob Blake's northbound signing, though there's certainly better posts below. This image isn't well-made, nor that funny, but damn it's timely:

Oh Hey, Look What Came Out

"A whole new vocabulary seems to be required. To say that the movie is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. The word unfunny surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, The Love Guru is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again."

-NYTimes

I was going to go see this and write a review saying how it sucks, but I think the New York Times did my work for me.

I Knew He Looked Familiar

This is Nikita Filatov, Russian sniper.


This is Amanda Bynes in She's the Man. It's eerie how similar they look. She's the Man, of course, is a movie about a girl who dresses like a boy to play sports... wait a minute.

Oh my God.

Battle of the Stanley Cup box office blockbusters

Detroit Free Press art director Rick Nease sent this Stanley Cup box office poster parody to the Sports Designer blog. "Extinction is just a goal away", a truely inspired tagline.



Pittsburgh Post-Gazette designer Ben Howard was responsible for this Indiana Jones-Sidney Crosby takeoff. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is one of the most bizarre sequels ever to come out of Hollywood. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas wanted to make a sequel to the X-Files and National Treasure, but with Harrison Ford and the Indiana Jones franchise they made Crystal Skull instead. 124 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Movie equivalent for the Sharks failed Stanley Cup run this season: Aguirre, the Wrath of God. The 1972 film written and directed by eccentric filmmaker Werner Herzog featured Spanish conquistadores in a brutal and grueling quest down the untamed Amazon river in search of the legendary city of gold. The quest does not turn out well, and many of the soliders end up on a raft floating aimlessly towards nowhere.

Nominate your films for the Ducks and Kings seasons in the comments.



[Update] We Bleed Teal noted earlier that Ryane Clowe was a "monster" in front of the net against Calgary. A Cloweverfield monster.

Ducks Gameday—A game without logos

Round One, Game Four: (4) Anaheim Ducks at (5) Dallas Stars
(DAL leads series 2-1, JavaGeek ‘odds’: DAL 72%)

I created this material for a Dallas gameday post earlier this year, and I apologize to hardcore readers for the recycling, but I've been a busy guy this week. I'll set the gag up by first showing the Stars' road and home jersey:

Notice what's missing from the Home jerseyNow the gag:

As for the game tonight, I think the easy thing to do would be to smile and declare “The Ducks are back! All our problems are over!”, but I’m far from convinced, really. I mean, it’s great that the Ducks scored the first (second, third, and fourth) goal of the game for a change, but it’s not like they showed me that they’ve fixed what’s went wrong in the first two games; I’m still very worried about what happens the next time Dallas takes a lead, or even what happens when Turco doesn’t allow four goals on the first eight shots. In terms of Ducks "character", I found the game not very revealing at all. Just a good result stemming from a blowout start.

The Ducks got outshot in game three 33-15 (14-3 in the third period), but I won’t complain about that like I did before; I fully expect a team up 4-0 early in the second period to “shut it down” a bit and rest its scorers for back-to-back games 4 & 5. Still, it is worth pointing out that in this series, shots are 100-60 for Dallas, which is a greater shot deficit than the Ducks had in their entire 2003 series against the #1 seeded Stars (208-176, outshot by 32 shots).

One thing I'm glad about, ironically, is that game three didn't end in a shutout. It's very critical that the Ducks take tonight's game just as serious as they took the last one, and a blowout dominant win can sometimes be the worst thing for a team in a seven-game series. (Last year, Detroit blew out the Ducks 5-0 in game three, then never won again.) The Ducks cannot afford to get overconfident in some "we're back, and things are OK" mentality, especially against the Stars. Hopefully Morrow's two PP goals will help send home the message to the Ducks: be ready and be careful.

Oh wait, what am I worried about? Spade has fixed the penalty kill.

Prediction: I don’t know if we should take very much comfort out of this fact, but Anaheim is 10-1 in its last 11 game fours (dating back to 2003). Still, three other western series are tied 2 games apiece; let's make it four. Ducks 3, Stars 1. Goals by May, Pahlsson, and Perry.

p.s. Found out yesterday that I'll be back in row B for G5. More on that tomorrow.

Go Ducks.

It's About What You Expected

Comedy is hard. Most comedians in show business are lucky if they can have one movie (usually their first) that can be considered a legitimate contribution to comedy. After that, they usually have to settle on repeating their routine while hoping no one gets sick of it. Every comedian basically has a niche: Chevy Chase is a deadpan jerk, Jim Carrey does insane things with his face, Adam Sandler gets angry, etc. These niches signify something unique that audiences have not seen before and the comedian becomes famous.

Eventually, however, every comedian reaches a point where their act becomes too recognizable to the public and they eventually get tuned out. This usually leads to embarrassing displays as now powerful comedians are given too much rope that they use to hang themselves. Even the greats like Steve Martin (Bringing Down the House, The Pink Panther) and Eddie Murphy (The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Holy Man, The Haunted Mansion, I Spy, Daddy Day Care... Christ) end up humiliated in their desperate attempt to get that one last laugh.

Now it's Mike Myers' turn.




I've mentioned this movie before, when I bemoaned the news that Justin Timberlake would be wearing a Kings' jersey. Sadly, he looks like the best part of the movie. Not only is a tired rehash of stuff Myers has only done before, ("Hey look! He's playing a foreigner!" "Hey, he's saying midget over and over again just like that 'mole' bit from Austin Powers 2!" "Hey, he's doing a retarded, unfunny bit that goes on 30 seconds too long!") but it just looks sad. Verne Troyer as a Russian coach? Jessica Alba as someone who is capable of thought? Directed by the guy who wrote The Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines??? (Okay, that's actually awesome because Noah Wyle is hilarious, but the rest of my points stand.)

I actually kind of feel bad for Mike Myers. He's doing the same bits that made him famous in the '90s, but he's going to get destroyed this summer by movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall and The Pineapple Express, movies that are far more adult and grounded in reality. Comedy, like hockey, is a young man's game; hopefully Myers can just retire with some measure of his dignity intact.

Whoops, too late.

(The saddest thing about Myers is that he's not going to be remembered too fondly by future generations. What movie did he create that will be remembered as a hallmark of comedy? Wayne's World? Dana Carvey made that movie. If anything, he serves as a precursor to comedy like Family Guy. Way to go, jackass.)