Cue "Taps"

WOW. Someone just played Panic's entrance music. If things looked bad for the Stars just a few days ago, now the team is pondering meteor shower insurance. Rudy posted the news but if you have anti-scroll disease, Brenden Morrow is out for the season.

The Stars are effectively "fixed." As in they've been de-balled.

With Marty Turco having a mini-meltdown and Brad Richards giving weepy interviews in emo shirts, trading away Jussi Jokinen and Mike Smith is looking closer to Bochenski for Versteeg these days. Honestly, Richards had enough positive moments in the playoffs that he gained a ... sort of flattering nickname in the "Five Dollar Shake." No Pulp Fiction jokes for him now, though. Although perhaps a "do I LOOK like a bitch?" might work.

So, with chicken little getting on the first trip to DFW Airport, I thought it might be fun to look at the different ways this mess can shake out:

1. The put-your-head-between-your-legs-and-pray approach

The plane's losing cabin pressure. Oxygen masks just popped out over your head. Babies are crying. Virgins are tearing off each others clothes and all you can do is prepare for a fiery grave.


In the Stars case, they are hoping the after-life includes one of the top two draft picks. There seems to be some hockey nerd slap fights over who's going to be the number one pick, but it's pretty hard to imagine John Tavares suffering an Angelo Esposito-type fate (or Aaron Rogers type fate, for you hockey borderliners). But even if Tavares suffers from a Fannie Mae-ish drop in stock, the Stars could benefit from getting the next big hype machine (Tavares) or Victor Hedman, Sweden's answer to Zdeno Chara.

Let's face it, kids, Smokin' Sergei Zubov is aging as hastily as Meg Ryan (seriously, what butcher of a plastic surgeon made her lips into couch cushions?). Turco's struggles are well documented, but even if he rights the ship he's not exactly a young man either. And the Stars' offense is anchored by really old players (Modano) and guys who are hovering around the dreaded 30-zone (Morrow, Mike Ribeiro). (Oh, and of course douche bags like Sean Avery)

In other words, this might be the perfect time for the Stars to have a free fall to a high-end pick. Dallas doesn't have NHL draft savants like Detroit so those perpetual playoff runs and future mortgaging trades make it tough to bring in high-end offensive talent. The defense has some guys who still have a chance to be good again, but no Jack Johnson, no Erik Johnson or any other future franchise D guy not named Johnson.

So maybe the Stars can pull a San Antonio Spurs - a team that hovered around good for years, had one atrocious year and ended up with Tim Duncan. Just sayin'.

2. Us against the world?

Something tells me that Linda Cohn and Co. left the Stars bandwagon in a ditch somewhere in podunkia. Allowing awful end of the period goals, taking stupid penalties and generally shitting the bed means that the Stars can go back to being way under the radar.

Could that be a good formula for a rebound? Stranger things have happened and Morrow, despite his playoff heroics, was struggling too this season. *Shrug*

3. Liquidation time!!! Clearance sale!!! All underperforming players must GO!

Never hurts to dream.

Then again, the Stars COULD go apeshit and go into full-on rebuild mode. After all, the economy is shit and the crowds will get sparser by the meltdown. Carrying an expensive losing roster might not be feasible with the economy getting gang raped. And if nothing else, the Stars have some big contracts and big names who could actually have decent trade value.

Turco might not exactly be at his most valuable level, but he has a huge contract. Who knows ... maybe a miracle could happen and they could move him for Jason Spezza.

WOW! This is fun! Making up completely unsubstantiated rumors is almost as fan as playing Gears of War 2!

In all seriousness, the Stars could look to shop players (kinda doubt Turco will go anywhere though). Zubov is a high-skill, high-age guy who could be a splendid trading deadline candidate. Richards might be too expensive, but he's still a very talented player. Ribeiro is a tool and an injury faking douche. This is undeniable. But he's also been a point per game player. He actually was really good in the playoffs and didn't writhe around on the ice like an asshole last year.

Would there be anyone crazy enough to take Avery off their hands?

If there's anything the NHL has shown me, it's that stupid trades and free agent signings happen all the time. It would be nice if the Stars came out on the winning end this year.

-------------------------------------------------------

So, those seem to be the three paths the Stars can take. Without bias or any "research" to get in the way of my opinions. Hope you enjoyed it.

What's eating the Dallas Stars?

The Dallas Stars are stumbling worse than a fat chick after 15 tequila shots. Seriously, tonight's loss to the Chicago Blackhawks (6-3) was ugly. The lowlight was Kris Versteeg's goal on Turco, in which the Stars made the talented rookie look like the second coming of ... well, Jonathan Toews.

(My internet connection has been Turco-like in its consistency, but I'll keep an eye out for Versteeg's goal. Link it in the comments/edit this post if you find it before me.)

It's easy to blame everything on Turco, but it's obvious that this isn't all his fault. Honestly, it's really hard to pin the tail on this blame donkey.* Could it be that, after being unappreciated and hard working for all these years, the Stars relaxed once it started to believe its press clippings? Did Turco morph into Dan Cloutier? Can they find a way to blame Sean Avery?

* - Ever wondered what it looks like to die in print? Wonder no longer ...

ANYWAY, it's getting harder and harder to stick to the "don't panic, it's still early" plan. Really, at this point the Stars can only hope for a dreary #8 seed and an absolute shellacking by the Red Wings or Sharks. The Pacific Division is off in the distance and the NHL doesn't use Mario Kart's "don't make loser kids sad, let them inexplicably go from 12th to 1st place" logic so they might as well kiss that goodbye.

How fucked is this team? Is it time to admit that the Stars just need to cut their losses and get into the Tavares sweepstakes? Do they even have their first round draft pick this year???


What a disaster. So, what now?

Zdeno Chara, sports' best-ever freak?

Really, who doesn't want to hear about Zdeno Chara (except Mike Milbury, heh)? And since there's been a few Battle of California + plus Boston! jokes floating around, I figured this would be the best time to relate a Chara story that might put him in the Gary Roberts - Bill Bradzke*-Chuck Norris league of Guys Whose Toughness Eventually Spawn Urban Legends.

The guy wanted to be completely alert and aware during shoulder surgery!

This also brings into the question: is Chara the best borderline circus act success story in sports?



Shawn Bradley was like a nerdy mormon on stilts whose life was justified by athletic NBA players dunking mercilessly on him. George Mursean was as successful as someone who starred in a mediocre Billy Crystal movie can be.** And the jury's still out on Kimbo Slice.

(Let's not even touch the steep decline of Manute Bol.)

Being that I had a rough day at work, I assume I have to be missing a glaring example of circus act-turned sports great, so lay 'em on me.

P.S.: is Brian Burke the first "lame duck" GM in NHL History??

And, the obligatory Shawn Bradley embed, because I'm a dick...(but not as much of a dick as the folks at Sportscenter, apparently)



* Is that how you'd spell that semi-beloved SNL "character?"

** I call "My Giant" mediocre because I haven't seen it. Which might, nonetheless, make my "critique" one of the gentlest the movie ever received...

You might not want to walk a mile in those shoes...

Aaron Rogers: tragically unlucky or a hero to lazy men across the nation?

Every once and a while, I try to imagine what it would be like to be a professional athlete.

It's pretty run of the mill to dream of having the goal scoring ability of Mario Lemieux or being infinitely clutch like Michael Jordan, but a lot of times it goes a little deeper than that for me. Walking a day in the shoes of a hamandegger seems way more interesting.

Imagine what it felt like to be Darryl Sydor, watching helplessly in street clothes for most of the playoffs, but at the same time being very well compensated (if you ignore the fact that, at least literally, players "aren't paid" in the playoffs).

One name that will always stand out is Aaron Rogers of the Green Bay Packers. I can't help but wonder: is this guy cursed or subtly lucky? After sitting in the NFL Draft Day green room for what must have felt like an eternity, Rogers basically became a verb (example: Angelo Esposito got Aaron Rogers-ed in the 2007 Entry Draft, when he fell all the way to the Pittsburgh Penguins). Then, he got the extra bad luck of having Brett Favre stay in the league a year or two longer than expected.

Falling so far in the draft and getting barely a whiff of football outside of the preseason would make you think that some spurned high school cheerleader ex-girlfriend must have placed some kind of voodoo curse on the guy. But then again, the guy is collecting 1st round draft pick money...but instead of getting squashed by 300 lbs. defensive linemen, all he has to do is hold a clipboard.

Anyway, this kind of sidetracked from what I originally planned on writing about:

I wonder what it must feel like to be a crappy athlete. Sure, when a guy makes millions, he basically becomes a public figure and if we couldn't lampoon professional athletes...what would be the point of following sports?

Hey, look on the bright side Dan: some of us also remember you beating the life out of Salo...

Ryan Leaf, Dan Cloutier, Alexander Daigle, Tommy Salo and a litany of other jersey wearing punchlines take a lot of (mostly lighthearted) abuse. But I wonder if these guys just outright avoid sports web sites. Seriously, if I were Leaf I would bug Ted Leonsis to develop a special snarky 1st round draft bust article blocker, so that I could safely surf the Al Gore without stumbling on a site that would make me want to hang myself.

Seriously, if you were Leaf, wouldn't you hate stumbling on things like this from ESPN Page 2:

"Before the introduction of passing windows in the very first "Madden" for the Sega Genesis, playing virtual quarterback was about as intuitive as stepping under center for an actual team while wearing a LEAF #16 jersey. Point-and-pass systems were crude and inaccurate."

It just goes to show you that as much as many of us envy sports athletes, there are times when they wish they would blend in to the crowd. Imagine having your worst moments at work frozen in time on YouTube and constantly cited by TV shows and smartass sports blogs.

Exhibit A



Exhibit B



And, because I'm a dick

Rut Roh (The Director's Cut)

The Stars just caught Lady Luck in bed with a mysterious gentleman wearing Teal. Yes, indeed, the Stars might have the series lead but the Sharks regained their self-belief after coming back from the dreaded "worst lead in hockey."

There's basically two ways to look at Game 6 if you're a Stars fan. Either you're optimistic and think that the next two games are the equivalent of two coin flips: there's a good chance you'll get at least one of them to land your way. And then there's the Chicken Little side, the one that says the Stars are screwed if they have to win a Game 7 in Computer Arena after losing all the momentum.

Either way, the Sharks have nothing to lose (not true) while the Stars are facing that energy-sapping "we better not get reverse swept" feeling and need to win one of the next two to avoid being placed with the 1975 Pittsburgh Penguins and that New York Yankees team on the Mount Rushmore of playoff choke jobs. There's really no good way to spin coughing up a 3-0 lead. Even if you're the underdog.

A lot will be made about the Brendan Morrow goal that was called back (my opinion: "dubious"). But the Stars had the lead at that point and increased that lead soon afterward, so to blame the loss on a non-goal that honestly should have been rendered irrelevant is just making excuses. Besides, the Ambassador of Fun scored a certain obvious non-goal to win a certain Stanley Cup, so Stars fans might want to save their tissues for another day.


The funny thing about the Bill Buckner error and the Bartman fiasco is that both scapegoat moments happened on a Game 6. In other words, their teams still had a chance to seal the deal.

The Stars have no excuse if they lose four games in a row. Choker, soft, whatever label you choose might not be fair but that's life.

Avoiding that ugly fate would be slightly easier if they got Stu Barnes back, though.

Almost there...

The playoffs are almost upon us and things haven't really been looking particularly swell for the Stars since Brad Richards' ridiculous 5 point debut.

This is one of the strongest Stars teams in years, at least if their defense can get somewhat healthy, but if they draw the Ducks (they would if the playoffs started today) then it could be yet another ball breaking first round bed crapping.

But as difficult as that would be to watch, remember Stars fans, it could be worse (see: above).

Informal Poll:

Which all-time Stars YouTube moment is more embarrassing, the Ribeiro Emmy Award winning performance or...this?

Ouch. You gotta love how Ferraro just buries Stefan. Not surprisingly, Stefan's floating around somewhere in Europe, hoping those fans are too poor to afford access to YouTube and the Internet.

But, hey, chin up. It could ALWAYS be worse.