Takes and trash talk from both ALL sides of the NHL's most obscure PATHETIC* rivalry

* Thanks, Kevin Lowe!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Ducks Gameday—Marine biologists discover a new disease

Round Two, Game Five: (3) Vancouver Canucks at (2) Anaheim Ducks
(ANA leads series 3-1, JavaGeek ‘odds’: ANA 93%)

SEATTLE—Marine biologists across the Pacific Northwest have issued an ecological alert this morning, as aquatic predators along the western coast of North America have recently suffered an outbreak of aquatus chokus, a rare respiratory disease that causes the animal to asphyxiate itself on its unkilled prey.

According to one doctor, the recent malady has been affecting sharks in the California bay area and orcas along the coast of British Columbia. “For whatever reason, these animals have lost their ability to finish off their victims; they get a few bites in but then manage to choke themselves before they can finish the deed.” Symptoms include a broken power play, an inability to recover or possess the puck, and extended stretches in the defensive zone.

“We have observed this epidemic in quite a few cases thus far,” added one biologist. “The disease follows a pretty strict pattern: an early 2-0 lead followed by a tangible shift in momentum. All of a sudden the predator’s immune system falls apart—it can’t shoot, it can’t score, and it has trouble doing the little things needed to finish its meal.”

Doctors are still researching this disease and whether it is related to avian flu scares from earlier in the year. “In all three cases we’ve seen, the choking is either on a webbed foot or a bloody wing. You have to give some credit to the avian survival instincts, but at the end of the day, these marine animals need to make the necessary adjustments to avoid extinction.”

Shark and orca supporters are urged not to fall into a defensive trap once they secure an early two-goal lead. “In every case, one more goal could have sealed the deal and saved these precious marine specimens. Unfortunately for them, their killer instinct disappears and they relax, even to the point of self-elimination.”

“And that is no way for a species to survive.”

Kids in the future will ask about the eventual extinction
of the once-mighty orca. And they will be answered with
angry stories of a third period collapse at GM Place.

Prediction: Ducks 3, Canucks 1. Goals by Norris, Selke, and Norris.

Go Ducks.


Julian said...

Goals by Norris, Selke, and Norris.


Julian K

Anonymous said...

Ahhh, Norris. I still swoon when Chris Berman calls the NFL north, the Norris division. But back to reality, the Ducks either need the first goal, then an average game or their second best game of the series and probably another OT winner to chill out the 'nucks.

Anonymous said...

Great post, Sleek. The first graphic, in particular, was terrific.

By the way, have you read/heard anything about the health of Scott Niedermayer?

Earl Sleek said...

I haven't heard anything on Scotty, no. He seemed healthy enough assisting on the OT goal, and messageboards aren't reporting anything.

Don't know much about Jackman or Marchant either, though supposedly both are nearing a return.

Wooster11 said...

So is that Pronger or Niedermayer first?

Earl Sleek said...

So is that Pronger or Niedermayer first?

How do you know that they're not both Pronger? :)

Oh, and Duck fans who are attending, if things start going south for the Ducks, why not start a good old "MVP MVP" chant for Luongo? It seems everytime that chant got started at GM Place in Vancouver, a Duck goal followed pretty soon thereafter.

It must mess with Luongo's head to hear that chant: "Uh oh, is Sidney Crosby nearby?"

RudyKelly said...

No offense, but now I really hope that the Ducks end up losing this series just so I can see what you'd write.

Anonymous said...

bloody classic with the whole Norris, Selke, Norris thing. Nearly snorted Mtn Dew out my nose.

Hoping Anaheim closes things out tonight.... and with Cowan out for the rest of this season it might prove to be a bit too much for Vancouver to pull off three straight wins.
My fowl towel will be waving from my recliner tonight. Make us proud Ducks... ^_^

Niekon said...

Sammy with the first goal of the game!!!! Go Sammy!!!!

Anonymous said...

So this may have been your best goal prediction all season. How cool was it to hear Scott say, "I saw my brother lay a big hit and just threw it at the net"?

Sharks suck!!!!

RudyKelly said...

There is no force that can stand up to the might of the Niedermayer brothers. In a related note, Scott Niedermayer has the same beard and facial expressions as my dad.

Earl Sleek said...

So this may have been your best goal prediction all season.

Well, to be fair, any game Pahlsson gets a goal automatically makes one part of my prediction accurate.

But I haven't seen a lick of this game yet--I just got home, and I have to think about watching the DVR game that stopped recording an hour too early. Well, if it involves a Sammy goal it sounds like it's pretty good.

Good work, Ducks.

Julian said...

Behold the power of the playoff beard! The two hariest men in the NHL - and possibly the universe - team up for the game winner!

From the experts at playoffbeard.com:
Scott Niedermayer - Anaheim Ducks
Gillette stock drops every April because of this guy.

Niedermayer is without question the Jedi Master of Playoff Beards. By the end of game 1, Niedermayer will be looking like a Yeti (rumor has it the man has to shave between periods just so he can see during the regular season). When Brian Burke signed the All Star defenceman two years ago he knew he was getting one of the finest players in the league, and unprecedented playoff beard experience.